Tag Archives: trust

Applying Self Forgiveness – Dependency

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to fear doing something in this world, anything in this world, that I do not know exactly how it will go. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not capable of possible of making effective decisions I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up ‘myself’ from the perspective of who I have created myself to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never “break through” and that every decision I make will only further enslave me as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a slave to myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply believe that there is something innately wrong with me, and thus fear being trapped with me as me, as I believe that I am not able to make effective decisions, or create a life that is enjoyable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving into a “new life” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trapping myself in my own deception. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the idea that “I am deceptive” power over me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of belief that I am not able to know who I am and actually see each point clearly when directing myself in my world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the point that I am less than others in my application, and will always be this way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want’ to be equal, which is actually just indicating that I have already accepted my inequality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need, want, and desire someone else to show the way, or explain what is up with me instead of embracing myself as self direction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with receiving assistance and support from another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if someone point something out to me that I am weak and that this is a confirmation of my weakness and their superiority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is always something innately wrong with the situation so am constantly existing within and experiencing myself from this perspective of believing that I am doing something wrong and that I must fix the situation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in how I direct myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to make decisions that support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the idea that we are all slaves, all lost, and not capable of standing up for what is equality and best for all. I forgive myself for not allowing me to apply myself in simplicity and actually looking self honestly at my situation and getting to know myself, so to create  a foundation of support and stability for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what see as having made a mistake. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be perfect in this process instead of just realizing that I am me within this process, and to not judge me for that. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to show others that I can do this, and how I can support myself and stand within equality, and in this missing the point of myself, of doing this process for me, and using myself as a reference point where in I develop self trust from the perspective of seeing to the core of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “create a problem” where there is none. I forgive myself for accepting defeat in something that I have not even walked yet, from the perspective of simply believing that “any decision I make will not be the right one” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must make the perfect decision every time and not make one single error. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to fear regretting not doing art. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will ultimately compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will ultimately compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in someone else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my trust in something outside of me instead of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in others outside of me instead of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience and what I will do according to who is involved, and within this place my trust and dependency on others instead of standing as the point of self trust and dependency where I am the source of myself, my self enjoyment, my self reliability and stability in all moments, in all situations, in all events, I am the point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to find myself in something outside of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, and that my experience will then be miserable because I will have not one to depend on to make my experience of myself better, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate and place my trust in another and others outside of myself. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and embrace the point of equality, where all beings and points are equal to myself and thus it will not matter who I am with or what I am doing, as within equality one simply stand stable, here, with no matter who, in all situations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire others to provide for me the experience I am looking for. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope to meet someone to provide for and give to me, a particular experience of enjoyment, and excitement and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility of myself actually doing this for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define other by according to how the look as a picture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire satisfaction within communication with another in through who they are as a picture, and thus look for communication with those who “fit a certain template” of a picture presentation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a picture, who only communication and interact with other pictures that look like me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a picture and within doing this limit myself within my world extensively be believing that my communication and or interaction with others will only “give my what I want” or “be enjoyable” with those who look like me or are similar to me as a picture of what I have accepted and allowed myself to represent as a picture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in self intimacy within communication/expression with others to only be able to do this if the other person fit into a specific ‘type’ of person instead of seeing myself within equality with all beings, and thus being able to interact and communicate in self intimacy with all beings equally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I am ‘intimate’ with another who does not ‘match’ my idea of my “personality type” than I am somehow diminished. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within a position of superiority over other beings. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to embrace the point of actually being able to be intimate in expression and communication with all beings equally not matter what they look like. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the point of equality within all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self intimate with all parts of myself, but hide in fear and shame with regards to some. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and go into shame with regards to who I have accepted myself to become, instead of forgiving myself and allowing myself to communicate equally to all parts of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face all parts of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto judgements of parts of myself.

Finding a Job that is Best for ALL – Writing Myself to Freedom – 2010/10/13

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So looking at my experience today. Words to Describe/Indicate Experience of myself/my world Eventful Intense Allot happening Anxiety Fun No foundation Packed Perplexed This was quite interesting today. I had just spent the last month here in Calgary, basically working on desteni stuff and kind of just getting myself re-oriented with how to “live in this world” and taking care of paperwork etc. In the meantime, was considering eventual points like getting a job, or education, and making money, and also getting to know myself within this process from the perspective of this being really the first time I have or am placed directly in the system. So here I was also investigating myself within this, and get to know what it means to stand in the system from my current vantage point. This last week I was quite busy looking for a job, and have been busy also since being here in Calgary with exploring the point of applying myself in such things as art, and considering this within the greater context of How I am going to and am currently placed within this world, and looking at how this support what is best for all. I am referring to the last week specifically because is was kind of a ‘drag’ so to speak. I experienced much resistance and was going more into points of distraction. Also the point of “what am I going to do with myself” was starting to become more and more pressurized to speak, and I was noticing that within myself there was more fears, concerns, worries, doubts, and an overall, anxiousness of what all was going to happen. Then there was about 3 days where everything just stopped. It was like no e-mails were coming in, and nothing was moving, like someone put a plug in the system or something, it was like very very quiet I guess you could say. This was my experience anyhow.  Then Last night, I started getting a flow of emails, it was quite an interesting observation actually where all of the sudden “things were now moving” I am not sure exactly what was going on here, but it was like, “the plug was pulled” and the system started moving again. Or like one cycle coming to a halt, and then all of the sudden another one beginning. So I’m wondering if anyone else had a similar experience, or this “movement” was only specific to me – it was quite an obvious observation so this is why I am noting it here. So in things now ‘moving’ again, or starting to come through I have found myself today quite engaged within requiring to move and direct certain points within my world. The point about a new job opened up which I went for an interview today, which will go into in more detail As well I am on my way in a few minutes to an interview about my art with a newspaper which came through last night as well And another point is a potential sale of one of my art pieces that went through over the internet which will require me to actually drive 8 hours to my home town to collect the work. So things here moving, after months of ‘nothing’ today quite busy, so it has been somewhat unexpected and am not yet seeing exactly how this all came to be in terms of the where and how I have created each one of these points in my reality. So because things have been previously moving at a slower pace, I find today, I am looking at “ok, how do I ground myself” Breath! This is the immediate point which come up so will apply this. Simplicity. Ok here I am going to go into specific detail about my experience in relation to “The Job Interview”. So I applied for this job at a horse ranch. When I first noticed the add, I thought “ok this could be interesting” I mean within the process of looking for a Job I found that due to not having recognized certificates in much of the things, I had to search through many jobs in order to find something that would fit so to speak. So when I came across the description of this add it in a way echoed or outlined much of the points I was taking on with Desteni while at the farm, and so from this perspective I saw that the qualification point was a pretty good match. Although I had not deliberately “thought up” this job, but rather after consideration decided ok I will apply, I mean, I will investigate and see what it all entails. I had not interviews yet in place in my job search so at this point was simply looking at different options. Particularly placing each point within me from the perspective of how it support me within my process of doing what is best for all, what is the skill development, timeline, where will it support what I do with desteni, and things like this. So this had been an interesting process as well to look at and consider each job from this perspective and now here take the opportunity to apply the equality equation as I consider each job, and what the eventual outflow of If I were to take on a particular job would be. So I applied and soon after had a reply back for an interview which I set up for today. I was a bit nervous about the point, due to “not being absolutely certain that I made the right choice” where points like “what if this is not the right thing” were coming up, or “what if I based this decision in self interest” etc.  So as I drove out to the meeting this morning I experienced an offness inside of me. Like “this is not going to work” I could see that many of these points were based on perceptions I had formed within my own mind of “what was going on there” and not actually based on actually real participation with the people there and/or seeing what exactly it entails. I applied self forgiveness on this point as I drove and simply utilized the breath as a point to keep me here instead of going into the experience of anxiety in my stomach, or up into my mind, thinking about all the things, it could be, or might lead to, or may not be. It was interesting because even when I arrived I experienced a doubt inside of me like “this is not going to work” One of my main concerns was that the people would be “totally mind fucked” or Hard Core Christians or something like this and that I would be like a virus in a way, and just cause a bunch of friction. So I simply had to walk through the nervousness that I was feeling and just go to the interview and basically not trust what I was experiencing towards the whole situation at this point because I had not actually really investigated what it all entailed and much of what i experienced was based on only 1 or 2 email exchanges and a fuck load of picture, ideas and concepts I had coming up in my mind. So I arrived there and was waiting for the person that was going to interview me to come by and give me a tour. It was quite cool to see the horses in the field as I drove in to park. Meanwhile points coming up like “this is crazy” “this is not going to work” basically because this job actually entail me to leave the city and actually live out on the farm so that I was “on-call” in a way. I mean this point in itself is actually pretty cool. I remember when I first came back into the city I was considering finding a place that was not directly in the city but ended up here where I am now living in the suburbs of the city of Calgary. From a certain perspective I see a point within me where I have accepted that “I am supposed to be in the city” and that if I go out to this Farm that “I am hiding” this was another point within the overall experience I was having of anxiety, where I was here in also believing that if I am not living in the “heart of it all”, like right in the city, that I am not really taking on the system so to speak and was actually trying to hide from myself. So will have to look at this point in common sense to see what the fuck is actually going on here in this point – where it is valid and where not. I can see the point of polarity here where I have defined the point within “either one or the other” like attempting to find the answer in the extremes instead of placing myself as the point that really matters. As I waited for the interview to begin, these two little dogs came towards me, I was in a way expecting them to start barking at me, but to my surprise they were very welcoming . I was still experiencing here that point of “feeling of place” because I was “not a cowboy” and had defined and created an idea/perception of who these people are or might be, and within this how they would view me based on my appearance. I see here the point of actually fearing a reaction where I had created in my mind the point where they would in a way “laugh at me” or “think less of me” or “diminish me”. When I finally met the girl that was doing the interview, I think we both in that moment were both facing our own preconceived image we had created in our mind about who each other is, and were busy now, trying to “get a gage” on who each other really is. In considering a job like this, I sure both of us are looking at “can I actually work with this person” Let me get into the job here more specifically about what it entailed which I learned through the Interview. The point was that I would initially start “part-time” where I would be getting trained to handle the responsibilities of the stable. Actually what I learned they were looking for is someone to eventually take over after 5 or 6 months when the initial manager there would be leaving where then I would take over as being the primary point there to care and look after ‘allot’ of horses, like she said there was something like 60 horses there at the moment, so shit, allot of horses. Where I would be responsible for making sure there basics were taken care of food, water, health etc...as well as tending to the basic maintenance of the farm. So I have before me quite a decision to make. From my perspective I am now seeing this point as a minimum of 2 years as a point which I would take on in my process. Could even go as long as 4 years. So this is quite a point here before me to now require to decide if this will support me in my process of doing what is best for all. What they do on the farm is breed and raise hunter/jumper horses, as well as board horses for others, so mentioned that there were horses being sold for like 100,000 dollars....that doesn’t sound right...anyways very very expensive.  Obviously here though that is irrelevant from the perspective of the animals are simply equal as life, and thus this be the foundation of how I go about caring for them. So basically this would be quite a responsibility I would be taking on. And will be an ‘investment’ of sorts “if I get the job” So there is a point of fear here in relation to making a decision like this, because this will play pretty influential role in the accumulation of myself so to speak. So in placing this within the equality equation I see that I would actually here have the opportunity to take on quite a responsibility which actually would be pretty cool. It will be allot of work, similar to how the functioning of things were on the Desteni Farm, where there was really no where to hide so to speak, but that one was always Here and ready to assist where ever required and it was no longer about, “wanting your space” and “wanting your time” so from this perspective the point is similar. The Location is about 20min from the city where I am not, so relatively  close but at the same time the Ranch is 200 acres. So after talking to the people there, they are simply looking for someone with common sense who is actually able to see that “ok” the horses require more food or water for example, apparently the person they have working th ere now is not doing this very well. So it was cool to actually chat with the people there, and actually after/within chatting I began to experience myself more comfortable, and was like seeing the point inside of myself that I could actually do this, I could actually work there. I still experience points of resistance with regards to it being a somewhat new place and people, like fear that there is “some point that I have not considered” that will only reveal once I commit kind of thing. Fuck – Note to self: “look at the point of where I hide things from myself, and keep points hidden so that one moment they jump out when its too late, instead of revealing all the points to myself and considering everything from the get go, like a deliberate deception instead of actually acknowledging all points” I will find out Saturday. They have more interviews to conduct so will see how things unfold, either way this experience so far has opened up some interesting points with regards to considering points within me world which are of “actual value” and placing myself within a point where I will develop real points which will support what is best for all in time to come. Still here I am seeing the point of apprehension in relation to this investment of myself into this point where in the end It actually is not a point that is recognized by the system, so from this perspective will am still not taking on the system in this way. This is one of the points which create unsettledness so to speak, like, am I willing to do this and in the end not have any certificate from the system. I mean at this stage as it is I would not be able to consider doing education until for a least a year, but still this point of “system recognition” come into consideration within this point.