Tag Archives: system

Being a Fully Functional Member of the System (Standing Equal to the System)

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Being a Fully Functional Member of the System (Standing Equal to the System) This was a point that I took on doing when I entered back into the system around a year and half ago now. This point was not always totally clear in terms of what or how I would be doing this, but has clarified over the last year as a Directive Point that I have taken on. To Stand Equal to the system where I work and function as a member of the system, playing by the system rules, and using the tools of the system to become effective and successful in the system. So I required to do a few things as I had previously in my life wanted to do anything but stand equal to the system. I never did my taxes or cared about credit, or cared to get a job, or become an upstanding citizen so to speak. I see that I must do this, that I must “become” the system so to speak by standing equal to and as it, and becoming effective within it. This is something that actually goes against my initial pre-programming seeing as how I was raised in a  more “creative” family system that did not use money as motivation or a marker for success per-se but more focused on creativity / art as that which was given allot of attention. In this money or system savvy was simply not a part of our family really. Though some of my uncles and were business men so I observed this point in the peripheral of my family structure but was never a point that penetrated to much into/through the walls of our primary family unit… One of the main aspects of my life/approach/starting point which I required to adjust for myself to become more aligned with how the system actually function is what I placed as my “priorities” Because for a long time I placed Art and Creativity and Personal Enjoyment very high on that list, and making money and working in the system as secondary. I have though re-established my starting point to where “making money” and working in the system where in I ensure always that I have a basic income stream always coming in, is now my priority. This is much more “Practical” in terms of actually supporting me in the context of this world and what I am here doing. My previous approach was simply not practical at all, and because of this I always struggled to meet my basic survival needs and was always living on the fringe of society. In essence that is what Art Schools do. They prepare the individuals who are going to live on the fringe of the system. What a fuck up. So that was quite a Key Adjustment I required to make and I must say it makes everything much simpler. Art in my life is now a secondary point as something to explore expand only after I have established in my world my foundational income stream as support to live and function within the system. I am getting there but still I have work to do in terms of actually getting caught up on my loans and start building up my credit so I can actually get a credit card! – lol. I am kind of just “going over” a few points here as basic background to how I have been living and assisting and supporting myself to get this point sorted out for myself so that I am not “stepping on my own feet” in my process to assist and support the bringing forth of an Equal Money System. This is in essence my Top Priority. This is my total dedication of myself because there is no point to support such a system as the one we are currently living in due to its cruel and abusive nature and what kind of world our current system is sustaining/creating. Thus the only reason I am directing myself to become equal to the system, to become a fully functioning member of the system is so that I can be stable and in a position to actually assist and support the bringing forth of an Equal Money System. A New System that actually support life.  Thus this requires food to eat, internet connection, place to live etc, so I can do the basic responsibilities which are required to bring forth an Equal Money System. So Yes, Art simply is “not important” to me at the moment in terms of how I used to give it such importance. Of course I still enjoy exploring this point but It no longer has control over me the way it used to. Though this definitely took some years of (4) of walking out of this possession I created of “wanting to be an artist” So I rather look at things more practically. Art may be able to generate an income, but it is not as practical as sticking to something initially that is more consistent and aligned with how the system function. Thus I have directed myself to do more practical labour jobs, as this is a point that I have had some training in. Actually I remember the words of Bernard mentioning to me before I left the farm that I can “always fall back on my hands” (or something like that) meaning to utilize “my two hands” and do practical labour as something I can use to support me if other things do not work out. So in a way I actually went straight to this point. Looking at what practical services I can do, and how I can use “my two hands” to effectively support myself in this world. I enjoy working with my Hands, like doing practical things. And many people try and get away from doing this, so it opens up space for people who are willing to do this to generate money for themselves. So I focused on this aspect when looking at what kind of work I could do in the system to start supporting myself effectively. One other little point that supported me in my process of standing on my own 2 feet and working with my own 2 hands – lol was : Don’t do what you want to do, Do what must be done. This point has assisted me in expanding myself in terms of what I am willing to do to support myself. Even 5 years ago I would have refused and resisted to do almost anything that was not related to art and my own personal desires.  I had really really limited myself in this but I did not know any better. I did not see nor understand the “greater context” of this world so to speak. So obviously my understanding/perspective has change allot over the past 4 years participating with Desteni. And thus so much of who I was and what I was willing to was simply based in Ego which a point I am assisting and supporting myself to stop within myself. What Kind of Human Being am I, that would look at / see this world and all that is happening and simply ignore it and refuse to assist in sorting it out. Its like standing face to face with a starving child and saying “sorry, Id rather paint a picture, and satisfy my own aspirations and desires that make sure you at least have an equal amount of food and support as I do” This obviously being Ego, and ignorance particularly in relation to the fact that I was simply born into my life of having food and money. I could have easily been the one born into poverty – Anyways “my priorities” where quite delusional and fucked up to say the least. So I have now just worked the Last 6 months at a full time job doing Landscaping. This job is now winding down as winter is just around the corner and you cannot do landscaping in the winter. So I am preparing now to move into doing Snow Removal for the winter season which is a point I did last year as well. A point that I would have not considered doing if I had continued to just allow myself to “Do what I want to do” instead of “doing what must be done” I started doing snow removal last year which was quite a cool experience. I did not have a job and in a way this was a situation where I was “falling back on my own two hands” so to speak, because I was willing to work, and thus saw an opportunity to apply myself doing snow removal and generate some money for myself through the winter months. I had allot of fears about doing it, and that it wouldn’t work and I would fail and all that stuff. But I did it anyways, and realized in the end that these fears were not real, even though they seemed very real. I ended up doing it for the entire winter season and managing to get myself through the winter. This year I am little more prepared so will be interesting to see how it goes. I see I have these same fears as last year coming up inside me, though my experience with walking through these fears last year is supporting me this time around to just breathe and continue to direct and apply myself within the point. My expenses has gone up also so my goal this year is to double the amount of money I made last year doing this. I have just got my business cards and advertisements from the printers a couple days ago, and will head out (I think next week) to focus on some neighbourhoods around where I live to see if I can get my clients more in one area this year. I am much more stable this year at this stage than I was last year. I see that that is because I actually did apply myself and find work, so that I have something to build off of, and already established to support me so to speak. This process has not been a breeze or magic or happening really fast either. It has taken time. My approach has been more basic and fundamental in terms of supporting me to establish a stable base income for myself. But I am grateful that I have placed attention on doing this and not leaving this as a secondary point. It has assisted me in stabilizing myself much more in my world. www.equalmoneysystem.org www.desteni.co.za www.desteniiprocess.com

Dream Revealing Where I have Separated Myself.

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Ok so I was just writing about a point which came up in a dream last night. This point has to do with how I have abdicated myself from certain aspects of myself and projected them onto/into agreement, where now what comes up is an experience of desire for, and yearning and wanting for an agreement or relationship, though within investigating and opening this point up for myself I see that what I am yearning for here is that “experience” that came up in the dream last night, though have separated from me within believing that this experience can only be had within an agreement and that I must get or find an agreement to fulfil me within my specific yearnings instead of actually “giving these points to myself” There was a moment in the dream last night where I embraced, hugged another being. Within this, I totally let go, and really sunk into the experience of the embracing, hugging. I experienced the point from the perspective of as if I have/had been traveling, walking a great distance and finally got to that moment where i could just let go, and stop, and relax and breathe. Like I had arrived. Finally, and I can just for a moment let go. It was sooooo nice. One aspect that has come up as I have wrote about this point is the aspect of how I have defined the point of relationship and agreement and what I have accepted and allowed me to believe about this. One element here has to do with an agreement/relationship making everything easier. Like its easier to have another being around. And also from the perspective of money where with an agreement/relationship, even this point of money and survival become easier to deal with. So from a certain perspective, the experience I had in the dream last night while embracing and hugging the other being had to do with feeling safe, and protected. Like a kind of hiding where I could, can for a moment forget about all the worlds problems, and even in a way, dump all my problems (abdicate my self responsibility) onto this being, and that they will make me feel better and make me safe and protect me and all this stuff. Fuck, actually allot of separation here. I see that the point is to reclaim my power within these aspects that I have abdicated to the point of agreement/relationship, and realize that this experience I had within the dream last night is an experience so to speak, that I can provide for myself alone, and that I can stop projecting these aspects outside self, but rather start to investigate how I can transform my experience of me within the expression / application of self to include these points which I have separated from myself.

Environment Changing me is Not Actual Change.

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I was looking at the point of what we as human beings require consequence to change. Or why we has beings, as individuals require consequence to change. Now the reason I place it this way as I have noticed this point within me where I rather than actually will myself to change my nature I rather let it play out until I hit a consequence which will then bring me to a point of actually making a ‘serious’ consideration to change my application, my participation, my nature, my behavior, myself. I place the work ‘serious’ in quotes because even though when there is a consequence I must face which then “push me” to consider change ‘seriously’ I see that I have/had not yet gone deep enough or taken this point seriously enough because what I find is that I don’t actually change. But “forget about it” until the con-sequence come around again and it is the same point over again. So no matter how hard I look or take seriously the point of change, I end up forgetting and back to the same ol’ patterns. And even saying to myself to watch out for forgetting because I have been through that before, yet end up forgetting. When I left the Desteni Farm I was a different person. And what I have found is that since being back in Canada I have really faced myself. Because now from a certain perspective I am in the “Matrix”, lol, that sounds so epic, lol. So Here is how the story goes. I create myself within and in relation to and along with my environment for 26 years. Then, I am taken from that environment and placed into a completely new environment on the Desteni Farm. Then I start to apparently change which is all fine and cool, and I spend two years in this new environment and experience myself differently in that for this two years I participate within the world not like I had previously. Ok cool so now there is some “change occurring”. Then take me out of this new environment and place me back in my old environment and what do you suppose happens. I go back to how I was living before – So what does this show me. That I in fact had not changed. From a certain perspective there was a process of change occurring but within looking at the point I see that this was more of an external change where I was more changing in response to my environment as a kind of from the outside moving inward kind of change. So when the Environment changes then I change, seeing as how the “Change” I experienced on the Desteni Farm was largely from the outside in. I mean if would have taken a point on from the very centre core of myself and changed, more from the perspective of changing me from the very starting point of me...well not “from the perspective of” but rather had actually in fact gotten to the very beginning of me then it would not matter where you place me, and what environment I am in as the change that would be occurring would be from the inside out, and thus the change would be actually be a Self Change. So in many ways this is the point I am seeing with regards to how I have attempted change and that no matter how serious I am about it that I always end up forgetting, as the change is more of an idea and the one Key Factor I see that I am missing is Knowing who I am and actually living and existing as myself here within breath. Because if I am Not Here, then how is change supposed to happen if I am no where to be found, how then am I supposed to change. So from a certain perspective the point I am busy with now is not “changing” per se but rather ‘getting to self’ and being here with self, living and walking that self in every breath, so I can actually walk a point of change. And all it takes is one second and one moment to flee, to abandon myself and off into the mind, and actually not even realize it. I noticed even today I was not Here, yet I was almost Here – lol. Because when I am Here, I know it, but today there exist within me this “point off in the distance” like “what is that” and so I go just looking out over there, just trying to see what it is out there, and in this slight diversion I miss ME all day. So specific.

Experiences in Relation to Money – and figuring out “whats allot”

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Hello, it has been an ‘interesting’ week. Facing the point of money and the point of standing-up within the system, standing in the system as a participant of the system. “playing the game” from a certain perspective as “the game” is money. That is the main game, to get money. All jobs that exist, exist in relation to money, some you get more and some you get less, and so have been seeing this point as well from the perspective of “who I am” or have accepted and myself to be in relation to money, this coming up in relation to the point of “setting prices” for customers to do snow removal. Today I got a call to do a “one time removal” where I simply go once and remove snow for a customer. I listed a price but explained also in the e-mail that it would be a “bit more” because the described job was a bit bigger. When I arrived I assessed the job and decided to “meet somewhere in the middle” in between the listing price and the price I quoted, although at the end, I was given more than the quite price as the customer perceived the job that I was doing as being “hard work” and so gave me more money that what I was asking. Within this experience I saw a point with regards to how I exist in relation to money, meaning I ‘perceived’, ‘expected’, ‘assumed’ “how the person would react or respond” to the particular price I gave and also “how they would react respond” if I gave a price that was “too expensive” though this point of something being “too expensive” has been/is entirely ‘created’ by me in terms of my relationship with money, who I am in terms of how I have existed and experienced the point of money in my past. In this scenario above I realized that “allot of money” as defined by me, might actually be “not that much money” in relation to how another perceive money, as “the customer” actually gave me more than what I initially asked for – Though this was done from guilt...which is fine by me. Perhaps I should use the point of guilt a little more to get more money...lol. So before I get into that, I wanted to note that, A picture of my father came up within me, when I realized the point that “my definition, of “allot of money” and what I perceive or view allot of money to be, may actually be not very much at all. Seeing this as the customer easily handed me more than I asked for, in a way “in opposition” to what I had created or expected to happen in my mind if I were to ask for too much. Thus the picture of my father, who I have many experiences of have “reactions of anger” in relation to money, and or providing the example for me of “what is expensive” and “what is not” and what is “allot of money” and showing me and imprinting me with memories and experiences of seeing him react in anger and frustration and fear in relation to money, and there in now supporting/making up my relationship and view of money. I have noticed the point this week also of myself doing much “looking at” the point of “how to get more money” within this endeavour, meaning, even tonight as I was shovelling the customers driveway I was assessing Did I quite the right price, should it have been a little higher, Should it have been allot higher What can I get away with. So at the moment investigating how money function and move within this world, through my most recent endeavour of deciding to start a snow removal business as a way to generate income. I actually have been enjoying the point very much and have been quite busy this last week putting everything together. What I find interesting about this whole point of how much of it came together in only a weeks time, where in I have spent many hours “promoting my art” online and the movement with regards to that has been very slow, and now I place only 1 single add within a week have been able to set up a business primarily around that one add. The add Has a Snowman on it and reads SNOWMAN FOR HIRE, also the snowman is smiling and looks friendly, so am wondering what specifically about the ‘add’ is triggering people to call. I mean it is around Christmas time, so the image of a snowman may have more of a trigger point to it at the moment. Another point I have noticed within me is the point of ego. This comes up as a personality type which I access as the “businessman entrepreneur”. So interesting I see that in moments as I walk, this “personality type” will trigger/activate, and I will start moving differently, and seeing myself differently, and then my whole demeanour changes. Its like “me trying to walk as this personality type” and “trying to be this personality type” like how I see it in my mind. Overall though I have enjoyed the point of taking this on and starting to generate some money, Fuck, I noticed another fascinating point – money actually makes me feel warm inside. I noticed that when I get money, or agree to a contract, I experience myself as warm inside, specifically in relation to the point of money. And if I look at the point of having no money, there is an emptiness, and coldness, like money is comfort. So interesting to see this point of money making me experience myself as being warm. A practical support point that I have been using is the point of “Reflection” as this word came up in a tarot reading last week, and again repeating today as the central point . Interesting because when the word came last week, I saw a cool point and immediately applied it to support me within my world at the moment – that being : Place everything in front of me. Meaning, put things where I can see them, and start to place everything out in the open so that I can see it, so this is a point of reflecting me back to me, and placing everything out in front of me so I can see it. Like turning my world inside out so I can see the insides. So I have one of those white boards, and immediately began placing important dates, and phone numbers and daily activities on the board so that I can see me, so that I reflect me back to me all around me so that I can see everything. I also started pining important papers on the wall and organizing more ‘important’ numbers and points and so forth in writing, instead of just keeping stuff in my head, and so have been utilising this point of “Reflection” to assist and support me in world, and so was interesting to see again this word come up bout an hour ago in a reading I did before I starting writing this.

Responsibility and Obligation coming through in DREAMS about Quiting my Job.

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I am going to write about a dream I had last night. I haven’t yet been ‘through’ this dream in detail, so will see what comes up here. This is in relation to my experience over the last two months with regards to the job I held at a “Horse Ranch” which I simply could no longer support from the perspective of the “point of abuse” I experienced in relation to my position or role in the system they had going there to keep everything moving as well as how “I was being considered” from the perspective of “what I was responsible for and how much money I was being paid to do it” So I decided to no more continue with the job and go back to finding myself another job. I sent an e-mail last Monday making it clear on my position and that I would no longer be continuing work there. Though last night at about 8:00pm I received an e-mail asking me to work the next day. I was not pleased as I had already let this point go, and this e-mail showed either a continuation of the manipulation I observed going on before, or that they simply never received the e-mail. I at first felt ‘obligated’ to work the next day as if I am the one who was responsible for the situation and that I must work, as it is my responsibility to see that all communication is clear, understood, and clarified which it obviously was not as something was missed. I e-mailed explaining that I had already sent an e-mail, I then re-explained my position and asked them to confirm that they did indeed receive this mail by sending me a return mail. I received nothing and by that time it was already around midnight so did not want to phone. So I looked at the point and decided that I would not go. Though I felt extremely guilty, I decided that in this case it is there responsibility as well to ensure their system is running, where in fact here they were not specific within communication waiting until the very last minute to contact me, and thus I help my initial point of deciding to no more support “the system I found myself in while working there” I wondered if I was even going to able to sleep because of the experience I was having inside my self of the obligation I felt to work for them to no leave me hanging, though not considering my own standing on the point and not allowing guilt to influence the decision. The next morning I after I woke up which I deliberately slept in so that I would not have to face the point if I were to wake-up early, so I slept in, as well the night before watching movies as an attempt to distract myself from this situation. Seeing now the importance of ensuring ones communication is always clear, direct and received, otherwise if one leave points hanging one end up in experiences like the one I experience last night, as well as which come through in my dreams as I slept. The Dreams as follows. There were three scenarios. Each one the same from the perspective of “morning arriving” and me showing up ‘late’ to the farm to see if someone had “taken responsibility” for where I saw myself as having “left them hanging” so experienced much guilt. In each of the scenarios I was actually living on the farm, so basically was right there and able to work, though in real life, it is an hour drive out to the farm, and at the moment my vehicle has a spare so did not want to minimize the driving. So in the dream I approached the barn, and began to peer my head around the corner to see if anyone was in the barn, I experienced allot of nervousness. In the first dream there was someone sweeping the barn. So they had found someone to give direction to the point, I experienced a sense of relieve. It was a women/girl and I walked into Barn I bit hesitant that I would be “looked down upon” or “get in trouble” or “seen as irresponsible” as I approached the girl she had no reaction what so ever. And was actually quite friendly. She actually was a bit new at the job so I offered to assist now that I was there in. So we both worked together to direct the animals and duties and I experienced a point of flow, no friction or animosity or resentment. The second dream was the same in how it started, and it was a girl there tending to the duties that i had perceived myself to have “left hanging” and now had to face. Only this time it was the girl that usually works there, I said hello, and she said hello as she was sweeping the floor then suddenly you could hear anger and resentment coming through in her voice as she began to attack me. This was actually the reaction that I feared inside myself upon approaching. And this is one of the points that in real life I observed within this girl, this point of anger, resentment sitting there below the surface waiting get out, waiting for someone to take it out on, and obviously was in by continuing to work there setting myself up to be that person. A point at which her father was already utilizing within communication with me, showing absolute enslavement to his own inner frustrations, blame, and anger, and taking them out on me because “I worked there” Within this entire experience a point that is now coming through is that I must trust myself in these things I see “under the surface” and not simply ignore them. Also in the dream there was the other guy, Ricardo who worked on the farm and he came walking around the corner and I felt guilty. He represents that point of Responsibility, and always “doing the right thing” So I did not want to look him in the eye because in a way by me not showing up meant that he would have to take up the extra slack, and that he was already overworked. So it was quite a dream / experience. I was ‘startled’ in the morning of how I received an e-mail of no more than two sentences basically saying “ok, sorry I missed your e-mail, good luck in the future” something along those lines, which the event in itself lasted all of 30 seconds and that was it. There was not some “big explosion reaction consequence” that I was expecting or feared to have happen. So seeing here how I completely went into the mind on this point specifically linked here into the point of “Obligation” and “Responsibility” being the two primary points I am seeing that I am looking at here. Other than that, I sent out two Job applications today One to a Dog Walking Company And One two a “water filtration company” looking for a part-time graphic designer. In terms of the Dog Walking, well for both of these jobs for that matter, I am going to take my time. Meaning not simply jump at anything that comes up, but get to know the people individuals I will be working with and ensure that I can actually walk the established time frames with these beings. And not ignore any “red flags” that come up. Like for example a company offering Dog “obedience” – I mean what the fuck – lol but also “walk the point” meaning actually discuss these points with the company to see if my ‘perceptions’ remain or if they were actually just points I created in my mind without any real reference point. Though I mean at the desteni farm and from my perspective you create an environment for your animal so that they can simply live here in support on this earth as well. Its not about making a Dog Obedient, as your slave, thats fucked up Ego Shit. I mean calling your Dog is straight forward, and developing communication with your Dog cool, but anyways that word ‘obedience’ triggers a “master/slave” point inside of me. Otherwise, I am still here. In my world, and am busy looking for work and jobs to earn money for myself. And actually start generating money so I can actually move in this world, instead of always making just enough so that I can survive and break even every month.

Fear to Move Out Of Sub-Par Existence – October 29th/2010

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A point that I have observed in myself which has come up in relation to my job, is the point of accepting my own limitation by not pushing myself while I am around others, because I don’t want to trigger the point of jealousy in the other, and so instead I dum myself down, and essentially limit myself, and actually  simply allow those around me to dictate how I live my life.   I noticed this come up at work with regards to points around workplace that I see can be “fixed-up” and organized but have noticed I hold myself back from pointing these things, out or really taking these points on because I get the sense that it is “out of” the accepted way of doing things, and I realized that I actually compromised myself and am compromising myself  through not actually realizing that it is OK to to actually push myself and push others to become more specific and more directive in their worlds, and actually push myself here also to become more specific and directive in my world.   Its like in this one particular moment, I held back in directing myself to immediately take on a point that I saw because I didn’t want to be seen as doing something out of the accepted way of doing things. Specifically I did not want to “diminish” the other being in my presence. Its the point of jealousy, I noticed in a few instances, I held back actually fucking directing myself and directing a point because I do not want to trigger that point of jealousy reaction in other, where in they go into a form of reaction out of jealousy with regards to how I direct or apply myself.   Fuck, what I realized in this moment was that I am actually accepting and allowing myself to limit myself. And realized that this is/was actually how we ended up in this mess. Because we did not want to cause any friction. We did not want to stand up and act in a way that actually pushed people a little bit.   Its like I did not want them to say “don’t do that” and then come up with some excuse or reason why I “should not do that” or how “thats not the way things are done here” .   And what I see is that if I accept and allow this, I am actually accepting and allowing “this current system, and this current world” to dominate me. In other words, I am tacitly stating that I am actually in support of this current system, because I simply just allow it to have precedent over that which I have developed within myself as for example self will, and self determination.   I seen within this how so many squander within this world. Because Sub-Par is the accepted way things are. Everybody fights for Sub-Par. Even those that are effective fight for Sub-Par because this way they seem superior and dominant.  And I realized how in that moment, the “sub-par” remain the standard in this world. Because so many, as I did in that moment, accepted the “sub-par” as the dominating factor, and was unwilling stand in that moment, and actually stand-up and push and challenge myself, and within this actually push and challenge others as well.   In a way its easier to live in an unnoticed way Its easier to never push to hard, as to not make people feel like there not doing enough. Its like the point of supporting laziness.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself as this might cause others to resist me and have friction towards me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to let my fear of other people influence me to not stand up and do anything about this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within that which I have developed within myself as my application and discipline within walking, living, and applying myself in this world because I don’t want to make people feel bad, and react towards me for feeling bad.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people being jealous of me, because within this they may not enjoy me being around, because I push and move them out of there comfort bubble.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an observer in this world, never actually pushing myself to stand up within this world because in doing this it would cause to much friction in other peoples worlds, and there-in, I simply accept the sub-par as how things are, and be sure to remain under or on this line of “sub – par” as to not cause any reaction in another where they might observe within themselves something that requires a correction, and in this may become fearful or not wanting to give up who they are, and thus , lash out on me.   I forgive myself for not allowing myself  to push myself in the work place to be absolutely effective within my direction and actually look at the point from the perspective of a permanent solution.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply just do the bare minimum, instead of pushing and willing myself here to become effective within my application, in particular my practical application.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back within expressing myself within absolute clarity in communication as to not upset someone, and within this not fully honouring myself within creating my world the way I want, where I push myself and my world to the utmost specificity, because I see that this is a point I would like for myself, and thus allow me to give to myself as I see the ‘benefit’ this have on a being

Working on Horse Ranch – Daily Writing – Oct 22/2010

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Today I went to work today at a horse ranch. I was up at 6:00am because I had to drive 45min out of town to get the ranch. I am basically “doing a trial run” to see if this job is going to work out for me. So within this point I am ‘deciding’ what I am going to do for work for the future, maybe even for the next year. I have been living here in the city the for the last month and half, and starting looking for and applying to adds for jobs here in the city, mostly related to construction as there is allot of that going here. Though I don’t have any “system recognition” in these fields so not sure if this has anything to do why I have not gotten any strong leads. A few interviews but no call backs. Anyways I also applied to this add for a “Barn Assistant Manager” Which is quite different from say working here in the city, as this job is out on a ranch of about 200 acres, where in I would actually move out and live on the ranch in a place there.  Initially they “went with someone else” but that never worked out so they called me and asked me to come out today to work to see how it goes. I arrived at 7:30 after driving 130km down the highway to get there on time – didn’t realize it was so far away, I was thinking that “that that wasn’t a good sign” I find I have been doing this in a way, like attempting to “read the patterning” of the events, to get an idea of what I am heading into. I mean “knocking  over and smashing a 1000 dollar lamp” at the furniture job I was busy with is an interesting symbol of sorts – Like in a way smashing all possibilities of ever working there again. I notice that I have this fear of working at this ranch related to a point that came up when I was staying on the farm in South Africa. Where I fear, “cutting myself off” from the world, or “not placing myself effectively”  Like in a way where I “go into a waiting” instead of a participating you can say, and so I fear “locking myself into this point again” as I just “got out of this point” when I decided to come back to Canada and begin directing myself here. I have been experiencing this point come up quite a bit in relation to working on this farm/ranch.  Like the whole time thoughts coming up saying to myself that “I shouldn’t be doing this” or that “this is not the right way” or “something is off here”. So today I simply went out to work there and simply see the point of actually just going there and walking within the point and seeing if what is coming up inside me is valid in any way what so ever or if this is simply just fear stuff, where in I will see in the actual real walking of the point that it is nothing like I ‘expect’ I mean, I don’t really have rent and food money for next month also, so here with this opportunity I would actually be placing myself into a more stable financial position than I am currently. Ok, but enough observer shit – I want to get into my daily walking experience of myself. I was nervous because I was 10 minutes late, and not sure if they were waiting for me or if they were going to be ok with me being a bit late. I showed up and Ricardo, the Guy who is training me was busy with the horses and I simply announced myself and we continued with doing the daily tasks- no verbal mention of me being late, maybe a slight resonance friction though coming through, although this could have only be from me. It was nice to be around animals again, and I stepped right in with putting the blankets on the Horses that were in the stable, as we prepared to take them out. I think they have around 50 horses there are the moment. So was cool, here my experience with working on the desteni farm with horses actually provided me with a reference point for this job, quite fascinating actually, without that experience I had on the desteni farm working with horses, this job would not be possible. And the horse industry around the area I am in is apparently pretty big – Hence the nickname of my city – “CowTown”. So I proceeded to go into each stable and put the blankets on the horses. Some of them stable, some a little jumpy, but overall stable. Some where little devious, like this big guy...first thing he did when I got in there is grab the edge of the blanket with his teeth and held on and wouldn’t let go, now obviously this made it so I couldn’t put the blanket on because he had the thing in his mouth. I definitely had to laugh with myself because it was quite funny. Eventually after some tugging he let go, and I placed the blanket on him. I was a bit nervous, because afterall I am now encountering many different animals so start to see reactive points now moving inside of me, points that don’t necessarily come up when one is alone typing in front of the computer. So when with other beings, this stuff comes up. Interesting to, fears and stuff related to being bit or kicked by horses started surfacing as well. I mean We were quite particular on the Desteni Farm with the horses, and here they just threw me right in. Shit we also went out to this big field where this mare and colt were with this stallion and I had to lead the mare and colt out as the other guy distracted the stallion because the stallion would not approve of us taking away the mare and colt. So I led the mare out and the colt simply followed close by, so there was not need to put a harness on colt as it followed closely by its mothers side. I had a reactive point come up today as well in relation to how the animals are being treated there, from the perspective of how animals, in this case horses have been placed according to and within this world system, and current money system. Here the animals are caged and placed in such a way that accommodate profit. I mean what the fuck else do you expect. Obviously this is unavoidable anywhere within this current system as all points are related to, shaped, formed and structured around money, profit and greed. This is why I stand as what is best for all and stand for a new equal money system. So that this scenario will no longer exist where animals are fucking marginalized as points within this world to facilitate the creation of money, and where there actually experience is not taken into consideration or bothered with at all in terms of being equal and one with humans. So I see I had/have a reaction/judgment in relation to this point, though I see that “it is simply this way at the moment” and to actually change this will take some long term movement and dedication and walking as what is best for all. It will simply not change over night. Another reaction I noticed coming up quite prominently in relation to working at this place is the point of “family”. This is a family owned business, and so found myself  reacting to/judging this point extensively where I have actually created quite a reaction inside myself  in relation to this point. Why – Because I see/experience the point of family to represent that of suppression, where a being is not actually able to “think and do for themselves” but always must do “what is right and accepted within the family construct” I see this point specifically in relation to my mother coming up here. Where I see that I absolutely limit myself around my mother from the perspective of still placing myself within a point of “lesser than” from the perspective of seeing it as no-use to attempt to reason or try to change her, but in a way, just accept my expression around her as such, and “wait it out” Today I was introduced to “the mother” of the girl that called me for the interview and immediately when straight into a point of judgment/reaction. See here a point of enslavement, of suppression, where now I will have to limit and compromise myself and twist and hold myself as “being this picture presentation” in relation to “the mother” in so that “she likes me” and allow me to keep my job. I mean Fuck, I was always “such as nice boy” you polite, someone you could introduce to your mother, and I would not cause any friction, saying all the right things. Jezzuss Fuck. What fucking bullshit – So this point came up in that moment, and like experiencing myself within a kind of contraction/restriction coming up. It is quite interesting because as I walk within my world, and encounter people and meet people, like for example my roommates, and new these people at this job, I am always checking to see “what the being is going to face” meaning, I see what I will not accept and allow, and as such this being will face this point within being within my world, and then I ask myself the question of, will the being actually be able to handle this or will there be to much friction. I have been noticing a point similar to what Viktor posted about on the forums in relation to ‘grace’. And that one cannot just simply confront a being on a point, but must actually look and see where that being is within there process, and assist them from this starting point, not simply demanding unreasonable demands where the being is actually not even able to understand what you are talking about. So at this farm, I am looking at these points. Am I able to bring these beings to a point of understanding of what I am doing, and who I am, because I have no interest in suppressing myself, though it may take time to in a way lay the proper foundation for them to see who I am, and not simply see a bald headed cult member. Because I don’t know if there is a situation out there where beings within this process are not faced with the point of standing amongst those who really have no clue what they are about. So it is not to simply dismiss a situation or a being, because one perceive, believe that they won’t , don’t get it. So in any case this ‘family’ point is probably the most prominent resistance/reaction point coming up with working at this farm.  What is interesting here is that I noticed what this reaction I was having actually was. It was a judgement. I was/am actually judging these beings, and not actually remaining here as myself, constant in every moment, but am actually judging beings for how they are currently existing , and in a way “wanting to run from this” believing that “I can run from this” like “oh there is too much friction here, gotta find somewhere else” well, it occurs to me – What the fuck is this friction point! I mean here I am having quite an extensive reaction, which is actually showing me a resistance point /judgement that I have created within and as me, so why not face the point and walk through it, rather than seeing it as “avoidable” and “a good reason to go elsewhere” So here I simply realize that this reaction to the ‘family’ point is a reaction, and is not valid as a point from the perspective of it directing me instead of me directing myself and standing. They were also playing country music – holy fuck, the programming here is extensive, especially in terms of god, religion, family, relationship and creating a very specific picture in relation to how this should all go and what one should attain to in this world from the perspective of having the “perfect life” I mean obviously all music does this currently, but today I was exposed to country music specifically and how it create this very particular image,fantasy,picture  of a desired outcome. Music is like the glue that holds it all together in a way. Creating, and maintaining those specific emotional energetic connections where when a being listen to a certain song, all the pictures light up, now within the melody, one goes into emotional experience as they see the image in there mind, and experience an emotional movement. Fuck Mu-SICK,  simply assist and support holding this system together, and not allow beings to change. One more point we will all have to let go of. So will see how this point goes with the Job. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within energy towards or in relation to any point what so ever. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify or validate a reaction point towards family, seeing this as a ‘valid’ reaction, when in fact it is simply a point of energy which I have not yet purified within myself in relation to what exist here as this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing this point of ‘mother’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘upsetting mother’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is valid reason for a mother to become upset instead of seeing that in fact this is just an emotional reaction charge that the being as the mother has not actually taken responsibility for yet. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mothers are always right, and there is nothing I can do in these situations but suppress myself and agree. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear shattering the mother construct I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “go into the emotional response/reaction point” in relation to the point of mother, instead of Stopping in that moment, and realizing that in fact this is a reaction, and simply stopping ALL reaction points, and realizing here before me, that this is not a mother, but in fact an equal as myself, a being, one and equal as life, and from this perspective I am able to communicate with and interact with the being from this perspective. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions I have, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the perfect situation for me will be one where there is little conflict.

Self Forgiveness – Sept 22

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone writing, drawing, and basically my process, from the perspective that I have allowed myself to ‘not’ do those things, but instead, give in to ‘energy’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into energy as tiredness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I don’t have enough time. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “in the moment when opportunity comes to either ‘push through’ or give in to tiredness/energy”, give up, through accepting and allowing myself to participate with the excuse of, I am to tired. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want process to be easier from the perspective that writing and art come with ease rather than having to push myself to do them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up and give in to energy, now that I am on the farm because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “things are more difficult now” and thus give in to energy when It comes up. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to do process from me I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to exist as self will I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself because I do not see others pushing themselves. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself exist within and as pressure until finally I cannot take it and I end up getting a headache because I am attempting to do everything in my mind as a projection. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself to write I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I push myself, things will become more difficult. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off posting in the internet on my blog and facebook, and within this disregard all the starving children in the world I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the actual state of existence, and within doing this attempt to live out my life, and create for myself a decent life, rather than actually standing in every moment for those who are less fortunate, from the perspective of sorting myself out and sorting this world out. I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance within me, as me, and then believe that there is nothing I can do about it, even though I created it in the first place. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am currently is all I can be, and that all the shit I have accepted and allowed as myself , must remain and there is nothing I can do about it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into a point where I no longer believe that I am the creator of myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want insight to come to me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and wait for insight and common sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on others for insight and common sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that insight and common sense are more difficult for me because I am older. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain a construct, a system, as Andrew Gable, instead of actually doing anything about it to change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must sleep a certain number of hours each night, and if I go out of that routine of sleeping that many hours, that I must now, ‘catch up’ by sleeping more hours. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself, believing that by rushing myself that I will get things done. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a constant application because I believe that it will be difficult. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quite before I even begin. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go along with things, because its easier that way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto friendships, rather than apply myself in what requires to be done, meaning that I may not have time to chit chat and bull shit with people here on the farm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself conditionally, meaning, Not in every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rest from directing myself in every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within limitation believing that there is only so much one can do in a day, and within this, I allow myself to postpone applying myself in writing and art, where in participate with the thought inside myself of ‘there is only so much one can in a day” I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself because I am tired, and would rather sleep. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself from the perspective of building up pressure inside me and causing myself pain. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that the pressure build up which I believe causes my headaches could actually be because I do not apply myself and push myself to apply myself, and therefore, I then instead of applying myself as here as breath in real physical action, think about what I might do, or go into guilt for not doing something, or because I did not do that thing, I then think about  the thing I did not do, and this is what is causing the pressure inside me, Not applying myself physically, and pushing myself, which means applying myself physically here as breath.