Tag Archives: success

My Experience Living and Working in the System

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I have been back living “in the System” now for about a year since I left the Desteni Farm. So I am going to talk a little bit about my experience over the last year and basically living and working in the system and earning money. My current job is Landscaping. This is where a crew of 5 of us design and build up yards for all the new houses of people (normally with allot of money) who have just purchased a house and now want a nice yard match. So often we are doing landscaping in some really rich neighbourhoods for people with allot of money. I have had 5 jobs over the last year I worked as a treeplanter, which was a job I did 4 years ago also. It is the hardest job I have ever done, and have found, so if you ever here of someone doing treeplanting, no that they have really toughed it out likely in some challenging situations. I worked on a Horse Ranch – I got this job through looking through listings and I applied to the listing. I quite after 2 months because the people running the ranch were not nice and would “vent” their own frustration out on who ever was around (me) Luckily I live in a Canada which means I do have a bit of choice when it comes to jobs and do not have to simply stand there and take other peoples abuse. The other guy that worked on the farm was an illegal immigrant from mexico, He has less choice and I am sure takes allot of shit from those people because he cannot just leave as easily as I was able to. I worked in a “high-end” furniture store where they sell expensive furniture to rich people. I put together the furniture and moved heavy things around and vacuumed the floors. I got paid over double minimum wage there and worked there for about 9 months about 4 or 5 days a month. I did Snow Removal in the winter. I did this on my own, and put out an add on the internet, and then people called me and I took care of their snow removal for the winter – This got me through the winter. Landscaping – I got this job by looking through listings online and applying by sending in my resume and cover letter. Then I went for an interview. This is the job I work at now. It will be over when the snow starts falling, so will have to find another job for the winter, so will see what comes up then. My experience living and working in the system has been...the word “stressful” comes up. One aspect of this is because I am basically on my own, and if I do not come up with money, it will not come from somewhere else. Although I do have some family members which if things get really tough I can ask for a loan. When winter ended this year, my van broke down. This was basically right when I started my new landscaping job so I had not yet started working many hours so not enough income to buy a new car. I asked my dad for a loan which he agreed, and I bought a cheap car to get me around while working and am busy paying him back. Oh yes this is due to having “bad credit” due to overdue Student Loan payments and thus could not get purchase a car on credit. So yes I have moved around a bit, in terms of jobs. The place where I live has been quite stable which is cool. I am grateful for this. I rent a room in a house and the people I live with are around my age and we get along fine. One thing I have noticed. Living in this world is ALL ABOUT MONEY. Its all about getting money. And then with money you make your life “better” And this is “THE GOAL” The Purpose to Life – What I complete fuck-up. In the System You can buy things and move around a with more ease if you have money. I have found this extensively. That Money is that which allows you to move and interact with the system. As soon as the money starts to run dry, it is very difficult to move, function and flow within the system, and you simply become an ineffective participant/member of society if you do not have money to allow you to move and from a certain perspective BREATHE within the system. That is what I have found. The more money I have, the more I am able to relax and breathe and enjoy myself. When there is no money everything just cramps up. Money is literally like Water, from the perspective of if you do not have water, your body just tense, and cramp up and dehydrate. It is the same with money. If you do not have it, you kind of tense up and contract. So working my landscaping job has been interesting because you see these men and women; mostly men walking around in their nice suits and business clothes and making likely hundreds of thousands of dollars annually.  Even millions. And they are driving the nice cars and making their yard look nice and basically living there life. And thats it. There is no consideration or awareness of anything else but this. “Thats what Life is” Everyone in the system completely accepts the system and from a certain perspective is completely fine with it. Everybody works for money. Nothing moves without money. We have really fucked this world up, where someone would rather stand around and do absolutely nothing as long as they are getting paid rather than do some activity which actually support them as a being. When I was on the Desteni Farm, I directed myself to support what was busy going on. When I built a shelf or prepared food, it was to “support” others. I was not doing this to get money, And thus my consideration/ starting point when I looked to see if there was anything to do, was “How Can I Support The Environment in the Best Way. Is there anything that requires to be done to make our living Experience more effective, and supportive.  I mean holy fuck. Imagine how many times a day I took on this consideration and now think about this actually then start to shape and form who that human being becomes as this point is practiced over and over – Then you have The Current System where what people practice over and over again, is not looking at the world or their environment to see what will best support that environment but rather “How can I make Money” and Thus, there you have it. This one way how our current system is really fucking up human beings where our entire beingness become certered and focused on MONEY and How to Make Money. I mean I would not want to be stuck on a Island with one of those beings, but rather with a being who is always looking for what will best support ALL and to make the environment a practical living space. This is why I support an Equal Money System. Because within an Equal Money System we will be able to bring the point of “what is best for all” into the foreground where human beings actually start to consider how to direct themselves in a way which support earth, and others and the actual practical living environment instead of only being able to look at the world through the filter of “how can I make money” which in a way blind a person from contributing anything of actual real value to this earth.    

Self-Support To Move From Scattered to Stable

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Self-Support to Move From Scattered to Stable I experienced myself a bit scattered today. This is often actually that I experience myself in this way. I had a few things to do today so this broke up my day and found within my day that I was not able to settle myself effectively and really establish myself Here within what I was doing. So I am looking at this point of how to effectively stabilize myself within my world. The first points which come up are: 1.Stop participating in the mind 2.Stick to simplicity 3.Stick to breath With this first point I see that when I participate in my mind, where in I accept and allow myself to engage within the dialogue in my head, that I am not stable, and that if I were to actually Stop participating within my mind that I would actually be stable within my world, and be here, and be able to effectively assess my world with common sense and direct myself accordingly . So I require to be more effective within this point of “stopping the mind” from the perspective of not engaging with the thoughts, pictures, emotions, voices, debates etc, but assist and support myself to remain Here and not participate with the “Back-Chat” that is the mind. I see that my “Back-Chat” is fucking extensive, My mind is automated literally 24/7 and so if I am not Here and aware in every moment and supporting me to remain HERE and be HERE as myself as silence in each and every moment, Supporting me to exist here where there is no "movement" or "energy fluctuations" then it is the mind that is here as me as thoughts, feelings, emotions, as movements and fluctuations within and as self. Thus I require to ground me. To Earth Myself. So I see I must be more effective in actually supporting me to Stop my mind, and stop engaging in the conversations in my head. Thus to support me,  I simply stop  participating with any voice, and thought, that exist inside me / within my mind, and that I must be ruthless within this, as to not allow myself to trick me into participating within the mind Life for example how “positive thoughts” are fucking deceptive as these generally “feel good” to participate in and “seem harmless” but this is mind as a program and so to participate in these ‘positive thoughts’ one is actually supporting the mind, and in this case enhancing my own instability which I mentioned in the beginning of this post, from the perspective of “feeling scattered” So this is where I am going to start to assist and support myself to re-establish my stability of Self, I am going to push the point of Stopping  Myself from Participating, engaging within conversations, thoughts within my mind. Where as soon as I notice that I am actually existing as a voice in my mind as Back-Chat as thought, and as soon as I notice that I am participating within an energetic fluctuation or movement  within me than I stop immediately, as I realize that this is my mind, and immediately bring myself back here. And within this I focus on simplicity. And use breath as a stability point, by focusing on breath, my breathing,  to assist and support me to remain Here in the physical with and as my physical body, and not "up in there" in my mind.

Exploring the point of Anger (Andrew) in Relation to Practical Labour.

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Part 1 – Getting a Weekly Allowance – Preparing me to Accept the Current Money System Ok so as a kid, we were expected to do ‘chores’ when we reached a certain age. And I mean, they were exactly that ‘Chores’. They were a ‘chore’ a ‘labour’ to do, and see that at this young age I began developing my relationship with ‘practical labour’ within starting the process of doing chores. One also as a kid is expected to clean up after oneself where in if you play and make a mess, you cannot simply leave it and let someone else clean it up. So from this perspective I understood why I had to clean up after myself. Though I still see I did enjoy playing more than cleaning up after myself. Though in terms of more prominent memories in relation to this point of how and where I developed my relationship with ‘practical labour’ into a point where now I experience much resistance and anger and energy within and around when facing this aspect of my life. We started getting an allowance in my family around the age of 5 or 6 years of age if remember correctly. My brother and I got paid the same amount even though he was one year older. We would get paid weekly and therefore had “weekly chores” some that I can remember is “doing the dishes” and “filling the wood-box” I think we would alternate weekly or daily tasks if I can remember correctly. So we would do the chores and get the money at the end of the week. Of course only if we were ‘good’ Thus here already at such a young age money was being used to manipulate our behaviour where in money became a consideration of why we would act a certain way and do certain things. This was not based on ‘understanding’ but where money “stood in the place” of understanding and was the reason and motivation why we would have “good behaviour” and direct ourselves in doing chores. Then we would get the weekly prize or money, and with this we would “have access” to things that we wanted, like candy and toys and comics. You have to ‘be good’ or you don’t get your ‘allowance’ as it was called. Which implied that whether something was ‘fair’ or “not fair”, was irrelevant - you simply were required to act in accordance to, or simply ‘allow’ “that something” to exist in your world whether fair or not, and “not cry” or make a fuss about it, thus you would get your ‘allowance money’ at the end of the week, for allowing such an atrocity implemented on humanity. Here being trained to allow the unjust abuse of this world like rape, murder, war, and overall inequality and not “make a fuss” about it, but rather “be good” as to get your weekly paycheck. Fascinating. I’m certain my parents did not actually see this point when giving us allowance as it is such an accepted point of normalcy within this reality. The amount of our allowance would increase as we got older, slowly but surely, though was not “allot”,at least it was something, as most kids around my age got an allowance, some more than me and my brother and some less. That was my “introduction” to the function and role of money. As we got a little older, we were “more expected” now to do the chores and as the allowance increased so did the amount of chores and responsibility. Interesting what was busy happening here is that my brother and me were within this process being ‘trained’ so to speak “how money worked” and “how it relates to practical reality” Though this being based particularly on “My Parents” understanding/beliefs of how money they were taught and works. And so as mentioned - as the money increased so did the amount of work that we required to do, to ‘earn’ this money. Though this is not actually how the money system currently worked. None the less, this was our training within it, which is effectively “perfect training” to create perfect slaves to the system who believe that “making ‘more’ money” is actually linked to “working harder”. I have to note here as well that this specific relationship with regards to how hard one have to work to get “a dollar” was ultimately being determined here early on in my childhood based on “how much money my parents” could afford to pay us kids. So here I learned if I work for one hour, I get ‘this much’ money. And so imprinted this point within me in terms of “how money works and functions” and how much one must work to “earn a dollar. My parents did not even have to pay us actually, though it definitely worked as a good manipulation tool to get is to work and us “not putting up a fuss” So here rather than take the time to place sufficient understanding of why one is required to practical work in the physical to do chores, the money system was promptly brought into use as this was “easier” perhaps to get us to do stuff without “making a fuss” So within this process of getting an allowance we were being trained, to function and exist in relation to money, instead of, in relation to a point of understanding how reality actually practically function. Thus when we come of age have been already imprinted and ultimately have unconsciously accepted the point of how money operate and how we are to get it and what we are supposed to do to get it. Which is “work really hard”, “be good”, “don’t make a fuss”, “you get more if you work more”, “you get more when your older”. And so this is points which I have placed as constructs within my belief system of how money works I also see the point of “wanting the allowance” as that meant I could buy why I want, like by candy and comics and stuff, where these points where from a certain perspective ‘not available’ to me and my brother unless we had money, after all we were/are living in a world with a money system that requires to you have money to “get what you want” So here also we were imprinted in terms of how this point works, and I see clearly how “I liked getting money”, how I made the connection “on my own” which is, “if I get money I can buy what I want”. Subsequently I submitted and accepted this “allowance system” as I had no other way to “get money” to buy candy and comics and things that I wanted. I had no power at all. All the power was in the hands of my parents. And so I accepted that this is how reality works. I accepted that some things “were out of reach” unless you had money. I did not realize that this “perception/idea/belief was simply manmade and an out flow of the current money system. This is not how reality actually work – this is how the money system works. Which I ‘mistook’ and eventually accepted as ‘reality’. In this system All the power is in the hands of the parents. I mean just because I am/was young, and a kid, does not mean my wants, needs, and desires, are any different than an adults. Although this is exactly what was being implied within the allowance and money system in parents being the ones who ‘decide’ what is best for their child. The only real difference between the “want for luxuries” of a child and the “want for luxuries” of an adult. Is a child has no way of “fulfilling these points” as in my case, I did not have any money. Where Parents have all the control and power and could simply buy treats for themselves when ever they desired to. So instead of giving us equal power as a birth right though giving us a “basic income” they “made us work for it” and “played god” and if we did not work “we did not get the money. Who knows if I would have ate to much candy without my parents to “regulate the point” though I am simply illustrating the nature of how “the current money system” was being already implemented into child at such a young age. Fucking fascinating to see how even at this stage, the point of “scarcity” is being imprinted into a child. Rather than a point of Equality as Such is being introduced by Desteni as the “Equal Money System” So that all children will have access to candy and comics – lol. Well, meaning, the point of ‘depravity’ will not exist how I experienced it as a kid of not having access to of being deprived of those points which I desired and wanted which I clearly observed my parents had access to and fulfilled – That’s not fair. I mean it sucked as a kid not being able to get treats when you went to the store. Always haveing to ask and like being a slave to your parents where they had all the power. I certainly did not! enjoy this. I felt so trapped, like there was nothing I could do and that this is how it worked. If your parents said no, that was it. It was final. Fuck, no candy or toys for me. So had to submit to the money/allowance system to get money which equalled getting candy, toys, comics. So I can see a point of anger here in terms of “this system” being angry at why I had to always ask if I could get candy or toys, and never could just get what I wanted. And that, which I will go into next, how I was ‘introduced’ into working for money, to be able to buy that which I wanted. Its interesting because the allowance we got existed as a kind of “separate dimension” from practical reality, and it totally fucks with a being because, on the one hand, one understand that “you have to clean up after yourself” though on the other hand “here is a system that is being introduced and ‘implemented’ within your world that effectively “say’s the opposite” Where the rules are not the same as what you common senseically understand. So slowly but surely ones common sense is supplanted with the ‘rules’ of money, as one is ‘ripped away’ from practical reality to now function within this world in relation to and within the rules of money, which say, presents you with “an award” for what you would have done anyways, until eventually you stop directing yourself within common sense, unless the reward is given, because one find out that without the reward, one is not able to “move or function in this world” This system is obviously stupid. Coercing one to eventually give up common sense practical application in place of only directing oneself in that where one get the reward of money. Ok so next point I will explore is some of the specific practical jobs I was required to do growing up and continue to investigate this point of Anger in relation to doing “practical labour”

Experiences in Relation to Money – and figuring out “whats allot”

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Hello, it has been an ‘interesting’ week. Facing the point of money and the point of standing-up within the system, standing in the system as a participant of the system. “playing the game” from a certain perspective as “the game” is money. That is the main game, to get money. All jobs that exist, exist in relation to money, some you get more and some you get less, and so have been seeing this point as well from the perspective of “who I am” or have accepted and myself to be in relation to money, this coming up in relation to the point of “setting prices” for customers to do snow removal. Today I got a call to do a “one time removal” where I simply go once and remove snow for a customer. I listed a price but explained also in the e-mail that it would be a “bit more” because the described job was a bit bigger. When I arrived I assessed the job and decided to “meet somewhere in the middle” in between the listing price and the price I quoted, although at the end, I was given more than the quite price as the customer perceived the job that I was doing as being “hard work” and so gave me more money that what I was asking. Within this experience I saw a point with regards to how I exist in relation to money, meaning I ‘perceived’, ‘expected’, ‘assumed’ “how the person would react or respond” to the particular price I gave and also “how they would react respond” if I gave a price that was “too expensive” though this point of something being “too expensive” has been/is entirely ‘created’ by me in terms of my relationship with money, who I am in terms of how I have existed and experienced the point of money in my past. In this scenario above I realized that “allot of money” as defined by me, might actually be “not that much money” in relation to how another perceive money, as “the customer” actually gave me more than what I initially asked for – Though this was done from guilt...which is fine by me. Perhaps I should use the point of guilt a little more to get more money...lol. So before I get into that, I wanted to note that, A picture of my father came up within me, when I realized the point that “my definition, of “allot of money” and what I perceive or view allot of money to be, may actually be not very much at all. Seeing this as the customer easily handed me more than I asked for, in a way “in opposition” to what I had created or expected to happen in my mind if I were to ask for too much. Thus the picture of my father, who I have many experiences of have “reactions of anger” in relation to money, and or providing the example for me of “what is expensive” and “what is not” and what is “allot of money” and showing me and imprinting me with memories and experiences of seeing him react in anger and frustration and fear in relation to money, and there in now supporting/making up my relationship and view of money. I have noticed the point this week also of myself doing much “looking at” the point of “how to get more money” within this endeavour, meaning, even tonight as I was shovelling the customers driveway I was assessing Did I quite the right price, should it have been a little higher, Should it have been allot higher What can I get away with. So at the moment investigating how money function and move within this world, through my most recent endeavour of deciding to start a snow removal business as a way to generate income. I actually have been enjoying the point very much and have been quite busy this last week putting everything together. What I find interesting about this whole point of how much of it came together in only a weeks time, where in I have spent many hours “promoting my art” online and the movement with regards to that has been very slow, and now I place only 1 single add within a week have been able to set up a business primarily around that one add. The add Has a Snowman on it and reads SNOWMAN FOR HIRE, also the snowman is smiling and looks friendly, so am wondering what specifically about the ‘add’ is triggering people to call. I mean it is around Christmas time, so the image of a snowman may have more of a trigger point to it at the moment. Another point I have noticed within me is the point of ego. This comes up as a personality type which I access as the “businessman entrepreneur”. So interesting I see that in moments as I walk, this “personality type” will trigger/activate, and I will start moving differently, and seeing myself differently, and then my whole demeanour changes. Its like “me trying to walk as this personality type” and “trying to be this personality type” like how I see it in my mind. Overall though I have enjoyed the point of taking this on and starting to generate some money, Fuck, I noticed another fascinating point – money actually makes me feel warm inside. I noticed that when I get money, or agree to a contract, I experience myself as warm inside, specifically in relation to the point of money. And if I look at the point of having no money, there is an emptiness, and coldness, like money is comfort. So interesting to see this point of money making me experience myself as being warm. A practical support point that I have been using is the point of “Reflection” as this word came up in a tarot reading last week, and again repeating today as the central point . Interesting because when the word came last week, I saw a cool point and immediately applied it to support me within my world at the moment – that being : Place everything in front of me. Meaning, put things where I can see them, and start to place everything out in the open so that I can see it, so this is a point of reflecting me back to me, and placing everything out in front of me so I can see it. Like turning my world inside out so I can see the insides. So I have one of those white boards, and immediately began placing important dates, and phone numbers and daily activities on the board so that I can see me, so that I reflect me back to me all around me so that I can see everything. I also started pining important papers on the wall and organizing more ‘important’ numbers and points and so forth in writing, instead of just keeping stuff in my head, and so have been utilising this point of “Reflection” to assist and support me in world, and so was interesting to see again this word come up bout an hour ago in a reading I did before I starting writing this.

Self Forgiveness on ‘COMPARISON’ and ‘MONEY’

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind within thoughts, ideas, worries, concerns, emotions and feelings related to planting trees from the perspective of “being a good planter” and “making lots of money” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the constructs and networks of thoughts, ideas, concepts, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and emotions and feelings within my mind related to treeplanting from the perspective of “being a good planter” and “making allot of money” instead of simply breathing here in the moment and applying myself in the moment and allowing myself to let go of “that which goes on in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the mind and specific “trains of thoughts” that emerge or come up in my mind, simply because they “do” come up and thus automatically allow myself to participate within them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a good planter I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the energetic experiences that come up within my about “being a good planter” in comparison to others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself occupy myself within comparison where in I give my attention to comparing myself to others and seeing myself in relation to others within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want to win” I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want to win” from the perspective of “not being satisfied with myself” unless I win, and am better than others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to outperform others from the perspective of attempting to satisfy myself within and as myself I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be satisfied with myself from the perspective of not requiring me to compare myself to others to gauge my satisfaction, but rather simply me being satisfied with me without needing or requiring to compare myself to others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that through comparison and creating defining myself according to others within comparison that I will finally be able to be satisfied with myself and there in within this be able to just stop and relax because “I will have arrived” and finally I can rest. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply just “do my own thing” from the perspective of not requiring to perform at a specific level so that others see me within this and as this, so that I can “be comfortable with myself” through having effectively created a picture/idea/personality of myself which is supported by me, and others as a “form” which we all agree on. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my attention and energy on “building up” an idea of self, instead of existing here as breath, one breath at a time, and no longer accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my mind where in I create ideas within my mind of who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how other people see me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am what others say, believe and see me as. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself according to presenting myself in such a way that others agree with, and furthermore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to others, and what others say/believe/see me as in anyway whatsoever. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘care’ what others think of me from the perspective of shaping/creating/defining/presenting myself in a way which will “make me feel better” based on how others define/see me through what I present to them as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better than me, and within this, constantly attempt to ‘create’ myself within comparison to others who I see/believe are better than me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not plant the most trees for my company than I am less than those that do. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not planting more trees than everybody else than I am compromising myself from the perspective of what I am capable of and my abilities, and within this am existing in limitation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of trees I plant in relation to others is a direct reflection of my abilities in this world and the ‘success’ I will have in the system from the perspective of being successful at painting and other business ventures. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others that plant more trees than me are smarter than me, more skilled than me and more disciplined than me, wherein I then experience myself as ‘down’ and “not as good” as them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘connect’ treeplanting to my future ventures within the world and believe that If I am not the best planter or one of the best planters on the crew that I will ultimately be limited in my other ventures to my performance treeplanting. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my performance or ‘standard’ that I set here planting will determine my future success in this world, where in I am limiting myself where in I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and agree within myself that I am and will be “locked-in” to what I ‘achieve’ here planting, and thus I must be “one of the best” because this will determine who I will be in the future. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that “the amount of money” I make here while planting will “set a standard” of my capabilities which I will locked into and that I will not be able to “break-out of” and so within this I want to do a good job. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply walk step by step, breath by breath, and allow myself expand myself within this world constantly from the perspective of not accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my past. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and participate within my mind in relation to money. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear, from the perspective of money and what will happen in the future, related what I have set out to do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify participating with fears/anxieties/thoughts/emotions and feelings relating to money and the future. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear failing and “getting stuck” without a job, which in turn will cause my plan not to work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my plan will not work out I forgive myself that I have automatically accepted and allowed myself to expect my plan to not work out which thus cause me to go into fear and anxiety about the future, where in I simply just believe that my plan will not work out. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is ‘difficult’ to set a plan in this world and have it work out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine the success or failure of “my plans” based on the what I have done/experienced in the past instead of allowing myself to walk ‘anew’ each day one breath at a time, and no longer accept and allow myself to define myself according to “who I was in the past” but actually in self walking here in breath, will and rebirth myself into this reality as effective within this world and the system in terms of support and functionality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is difficult to make money within this world. Where in I am arriving at this conclusion without even first walking the necessary steps to make sufficient money. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people that are effective at making money to possess something that I do not, instead of me standing equal to them, and giving myself the gift of realizing my equality with them. Within this Self Forgiveness I see the point of defining my future success in the world in relation to my performance within treeplanting. In connecting these two points I then went into comparison towards and with the other planters within a kind of “franticness” where I believe that “if I am not the best” here and now, that I will fail in this world, and not make it. So what I see is that I have a belief /fear inside me of failing in this world, and ending up with no money, or stuck somewhere with no money and in this no freedom, but trapped in way. And that this fear/belief was actually coming though or causing me to go into comparison in the specific way that I was/am within my job treeplanting towards others. When I look closer at this point I see that also when I was in art school I was already participating within this construct of wanting to “be the best” which at that time I has also linked to money and freedom. And that if I was going to make it as an artist, that I had to be one of the best, as this was the only way that I would have enough money to “buy my freedom” in my life. Something that I was already at that time determined to do, to have enough money to “be free” in this world, and not have to struggle to get by. I always liked winning races and coming in first place in my younger years, but at that stage, I had not yet linked the point to money, but more to the point of people seeing me a certain way, a point of worthiness or specialness or acceptance. I remember when I was art school, I experienced dominance in relation to art, where I experienced myself as “above” other in this regard, where I in a way “stood over or above them” I liked this experience, as I could then speak with confidence about art and speak to them about there art where they would listen to what I had to say, and consider what I had to say as important, I liked that. But in terms of a ‘fear’ where I triggered a fear within myself where I then feared about money was what comes up at the moment is my student loan. When I signed the papers to get my loan to go to school. It was at that step when I was around 19 or 20 years old that money was now linked to art, and that I ‘had’ to make money with my art to pay back my loan otherwise I would have to stop making art and do something else to make money to pay back my loan. So it was at that stage where the whole point of dominance I experienced and specialness in relation to others around the point of art, mutated merged with the point of money to give entire construct another layer to it. In terms of developing a belief that I was/am unable to make money doing art, or be successful within the context of “making money” interestingly enough I see in relation to before art school when I was involved in ice hockey, where the point of playing professional hockey came into play. To play professional hockey meant making allot of money which I was aware of. Eventually it got to the point where it just seemed like “I wasn’t good enough” and in this saw or defined myself as a failure at this point which encompassed the point of “making allot of money in this world” which at this juncture of my life, I saw myself as having failed at. So in a way, believing that I will be unable to make money with my art can be related to “my past” where I failed at making money as a hockey player. Before the Hockey point I had never really considered much, if anything to make money in this world. So in a way, becoming a hockey player was my first attempt, which “in my eyes” I failed at doing, and in this saw myself as “less than” and ‘weak’.