Tag Archives: self forgiveness

Letting Go of the Past – Daily Writing – October 5th 2010

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October 5th Writing Out My Day. First point of reaction that I want to look at here is the reaction I had as I was browsing through Desteni Forums today.  As I was reading the posts I was reading this one post where Robert was inquiring about getting a volunteer visa. The Reaction I had when I first saw this started with a jealousy point coming up first in relation to Robert from the perspective of me being inferior towards other being in this process. This ‘kind’ of reaction within the point of inferior towards other being in this process has been quite allot. I have been noticing that I still react quite ‘strongly’ in relation to “other beings within this process” particularly those who are younger than me, and also those who will be visiting the farm in South Africa. Within this I see that I immediately go to a point of “believing, seeing, experiencing myself as if I “had my chance” or that “the cool part of my life is over” and that I now must go back to my ‘mundane’ existence of simply living out my life. Within this I see the point of actually having separated myself from the point of “having a cool/enjoyable life experience” where I have abdicated this point in this scenario to “the desteni farm” where in I am actually walking around holding onto this belief that “that was like the pinnacle of my life” and also that I myself am not capable of doing for myself the experience I had at the desteni farm. An interesting point – Its like an accepted and allowed idea or perception of myself as being incapable of providing for myself enjoyment, excitement, intrigue. Its like going to the arcade as a kid and holding back on using up all your quarters, because when your quarters are used up, your fun is over. So in a way I have placed myself in a point where I essentially, “have not more quarters” and there is nothing I can do about this. Its like  belief that I am not capable of providing for me that point of ‘coolness’ I will say, in terms of a ‘life that I actually enjoyed’ Also because of the people there. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” the idea that I am not capable of recreating for myself a ‘point’ within this world and my life that is equal to that which I experienced at the desteni farm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hold onto’ and ‘fear losing’ desteni from the perspective of it containing ‘points’ which I see myself as incapable of ‘expressing’ for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self value to desteni from  the perspective of believing that without desteni and specific points within desteni such as the portal, that Life would be “back to normal and boring” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on desteni and the portal for “life to be interesting” from the perspective of actually placing value in this point outside of myself where in I “don’t want that point to go away” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” points in separation from me from the perspective of giving them value instead of realizing and seeing value as myself here in every moment, where in I am the source to speak of “my experience” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hold onto anything out of fear of loss. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “get upset” because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of me and the enjoyment there-of is dependent on external forces, and that if I do not have access to those external forces or points than my life will never be fun, or enjoyable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement of  - I don’t want to be with just me – where in I am actually implying that I am not enough and that who I am as myself alone, is actually someone I “don’t want to be with” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger over the point of “being with me” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a shit experience for myself and never do anything to change that, where in I actually create a cool experience for myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take responsibility for me in creating my own world in self responsibility, but rather want someone else to do it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “not want” to stand up and create my own reality because then there would never be any surprises. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to entertain me while I sit and do nothing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this point abdicate my responsibility to another to “lift me up” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “place desteni” as that point which “lift me up” instead of me “lifting me up” so to speak. I forgive myself that I haven’t taken action within this world and reality to create a system that will actually make interaction expression in this reality cool and enjoyable for ALL. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of creating a scenario that I actually enjoy and that others enjoy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand back and let others create specific events and scenarios for beings to experience themselves within because I fear that I will create something that is not fun. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vulnerability in actually being able to facilitate a cool experience for myself and others in communication and interaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings depend on me, because I believe that I will simply let them down. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define creating a scenario, environment, or situation for myself and others to come together and interact as “not fun” because I actually fear communicating and interacting with others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my preprogramming to dominate me from the perspective of seeing myself as uncomfortable around other beings, and there in avoid expressing and interacting with others because of it being uncomfortable and awkward I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as life believing that I am unable to make a life for myself that works and that I enjoy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my expansion and learning to a point outside of me in and as desteni Bernard and the portal, instead of me expanding myself within such a way that I am intrigued and engaged by this self expansion as myself from the perspective of actually really enjoying each moment of my experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “miss” the farm, instead of simply letting the point go within seeing that it is cool to let the point go, and realize that I am not defined, or dependant on ‘the farm’ where in seeing that this ‘experience’ I have within this point is actually simply based on an energetic charge and a starting point of separation, and that rather, give myself the gift of me, through “letting  this point of the farm go” and standing HERE within my life, HERE in this moment with “no reaction to or towards the farm, but Me Standing as Myself where I realize that who I am is only dependant on myself as the source of me. I allow myself to let go of desteni. I allow myself to let go of desteni from the perspective of unconditionally letting this point go as this is simply who I was in the past. Yes it is very cool, though to expand this point, I simply ‘let it go’ and expand me. I stand here within the realization of to let this point of the desteni farm go, that I am actually allowing me to expand where in I am not accepting and allowing myself to place limits and boundaries on what is possible in this life, in this reality, this existence, but that I unconditionally let the past go and remain here as myself, walking this process to bring about practically, a world that is best for all. In by hanging onto the past I am not allowing myself to see myself as anything ‘more’ than what has already happened, I allow me to stand here equal to the desteni farm and all that i experienced where in by letting this point go unconditionally I make the statement to myself that I am equal to the point. So ya, basically I reacted to the point of seeing that Robert was going to the farm. In a way having a desire to once again go to the farm, although Interestingly enough I experience a resistance to the point of going to the farm as well. Where in I see myself in certain experiences I had there, where there were some tough points and experiences that I had to walk through and that I would rather not face these again. So that is the point of resistance coming up there. Another point that came up in relation to this point is believing that “if I had something useful to offer” I would maybe be in a different position. Like for example Robert is taking on the point of programming, as well as others which is quite a useful point with Desteni. So here I see the point of wanting to be practically valid in that which I ‘contribute’ so to speak to desteni. Like wanting to be an integral part. Like holding a key responsibility. But again I see that within this there is the dimension of simply wanting a “key point” so to “lock myself in” to desteni, as to never have to lose destei. Oh God...lololololololo, thats fucking funny. The Mind is a sneaky fucker. So this aspect of this point is not valid. However, acquiring or developing myself practically to take on a specific role within this process I see as still being valid. Though how I actually perceive myself within where I currently stand in this point, seems to contain a kind of manipulative view I will say, as in still I experience much doubt as to “my effectiveness” and “role” in terms of having the necessary preparation. I Guess the point Here to Consider is that this is not going to happen by itself. That it is not “meant to be” but that I will actually have to place myself within seeing common sensically where and how exactly, precisely to place myself so that I support the bringing forth of a new equal money system and a world that is best for all. I had a conversation today with a girl that lives here in the house I am living with. I quite enjoyed the conversation as I would say it is the furthest into depth I have went in terms of sharing my understanding of how things are currently going, and how this world is actually functioning and what points being should really be considering within this world – I also realized that within speak to others, instead of being alone in my room, I actually practically open myself up and become more effective at communicating and interaction with actual real beings. Anyhow it was a pretty cool experience because there are not allot of people one come across, or at least that I have come across that actually are willing to listen. It was fucking fascinating to see this being actually considering these points and seeing these points as common sense as I explained my perspective. Its like seeing myself in a way where in it is quite enjoyable to see a being consider for the first time a question or point that they had not before, where in I see me there considering that point for the first time, when it was first presented to me, and how interesting it was to consider such things, and how, my life changed from that point forward, it become funner, to live and be here on this earth, within considering such possibilities, almost like one goes “fuck I knew it” “ I knew there was something more” “I knew it” like a light goes on inside a being so to speak. So otherwise still facing this point daily of How exactly I am going to place myself within this process. Obviously money an ‘obstacle’. Interesting though I see the point of being kind of relieved that I “don’t have to consider the point of education at the moment” due to money. Or rather this consideration is something I can prepare for in the future, but do not have to directly face at the moment. So what is this point of relief? One point I see here is that I can avoid doing something that I do not want to do, and in a way, hold onto a point of hope that I can actually do something that is valid and relevant within this process. Also seeing that within the education that my participation with desteni would be less, or like “moving away from desteni” so again here seeing the point of ‘fear’ or the point of ‘holding onto desteni’ which is why I am ‘relieved’ that I do not have to consider education at the moment, which actually represent the point of “moving away from desteni” as I have placed it within me. In terms of education -  the points where I see I require education is politics and economics as these are points that I know very little about. Meanwhile I can begin Educating myself on these points. Goodnight.

Life Experience – Looking at my Past – Sept 26/2009

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My experience. I was supposed to do a muscle communication session with Miate today but postponed going to her and setting up a time, and actually doing it. Rather I suppressed the point. I found/find that within this suppression I actually notice I subjugate myself to others, like a lowering myself , and ‘counting myself out’ like, I am not worthy, only I see that I am the one who deliberately does this to myself, where I diminish myself.  So where in my life did I have a similar situation and experience where there was a “task” or “skill” that everyone was learning, and within this, I was not good enough to do it so was left out in the end. Grade 6 - Problem Solving When I was in grade 6, there was “brainstorming group” There was 4 of us that were chosen to represent our school in an eventual branstorming challenge event thingy. When they approached me to ask if I would like to be a part of the team, I was very surprised. And at the same time, honored, I was like – “wow, they picked me out of everyone here, that’s so cool, I must be smarter than I thought” – Because I had never seen myself as smart or brainy. I saw the opportunity as, they picked me, even though I wasn’t a smart kid, but in a way I had potential, so I saw them as trying me out to see if I could do it. The other three kids in the group were considered smart kids. So we began to have meetings, basically we would work with problem solving. We would do exercises where we would do word association stuff, like one person would say a word and then the person next to that person would say another word in relation to one just said, and we would go around in a circle, speaking what ever came up. I found I would always hesitate when it came to my turn, and felt much of the times like the other kids would have to explain to me what it was we were doing. It was somewhat humiliating, because for some reason I just did not fit, and so I did not really like going to do the exercises, because I just felt out of place. Then one day the teacher had an announcement – the contest was a few weeks away and they were only allowed to take three of the kids, so one would have to be a spare. Immediately I knew that would be me. In that moment I saw the other kids as more capable than myself. I really wanted to be able to do it, but in the end, I even voted myself out. Because we took a vote and when my name came up, I even put up my own hand. I saw that the other kids worked better together, they just fit, because they were kind of similar, I was the odd ball, out. So I voted myself out, partly because I suspected that I would be voted out anyways, so in a way I was attempting to save myself some dignity by ‘choosing’ to vote myself out, even though the writing was already on the wall. So within that experience, I experienced myself within a form of humiliation, the kind where, I am completely exposed and it is obvious to everyone that I am ‘incapable’ so to speak. That’s why its humiliating, because its out in the open for all to see. I felt that I never really expressed myself in the group. That I was afraid to, and that I was tentative. Like I closed up, and was nervous to express myself. I found much of the time this has been me within groups, afraid to make myself know, and express myself openly. I find a similar experience happening with muscle communication. I feel incapable of being able to do it, and find that I experience a form of humiliation the entire time. And like the brainstorming group, I feel like I am holding the others back, so in this moment, would vote myself out, because I see the others as more capable. Its like, there was an opportunity to do it, and I have been unable to express myself within muscle communication, but find more so that I am not willing to open up, and place myself self out there for all to see. But rather contract, and hold myself back within muscle communication. So more and more, as muscle communication continues I feel “out of the group” and on the side lines, and dejected. And now I must make peace with this dejection. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am less than others, that others are more holy than me, and better than me, instead of realizing that in fact, we are all exactly the same. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the words other people think, and believe that because they are able to speak words of oneness and equality, that they are “better” than me, instead of realizing the truth that we are all exactly the same. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be feel dejected from the world I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I don’t fit into the world, and within this feel dejected. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better and more special than me, and that they are living there lives in some powerful marvelous way, where in I am not. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others, when at the end of the day, all here on this planet are actually living life in exactly the same way as me, meaning we are all existing within limitation and dejection, no matter what anyone sais.

Self Forgiveness – Sept 22

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone writing, drawing, and basically my process, from the perspective that I have allowed myself to ‘not’ do those things, but instead, give in to ‘energy’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into energy as tiredness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I don’t have enough time. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “in the moment when opportunity comes to either ‘push through’ or give in to tiredness/energy”, give up, through accepting and allowing myself to participate with the excuse of, I am to tired. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want process to be easier from the perspective that writing and art come with ease rather than having to push myself to do them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up and give in to energy, now that I am on the farm because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “things are more difficult now” and thus give in to energy when It comes up. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to do process from me I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to exist as self will I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself because I do not see others pushing themselves. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself exist within and as pressure until finally I cannot take it and I end up getting a headache because I am attempting to do everything in my mind as a projection. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself to write I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I push myself, things will become more difficult. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off posting in the internet on my blog and facebook, and within this disregard all the starving children in the world I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the actual state of existence, and within doing this attempt to live out my life, and create for myself a decent life, rather than actually standing in every moment for those who are less fortunate, from the perspective of sorting myself out and sorting this world out. I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance within me, as me, and then believe that there is nothing I can do about it, even though I created it in the first place. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am currently is all I can be, and that all the shit I have accepted and allowed as myself , must remain and there is nothing I can do about it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into a point where I no longer believe that I am the creator of myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want insight to come to me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and wait for insight and common sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on others for insight and common sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that insight and common sense are more difficult for me because I am older. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain a construct, a system, as Andrew Gable, instead of actually doing anything about it to change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must sleep a certain number of hours each night, and if I go out of that routine of sleeping that many hours, that I must now, ‘catch up’ by sleeping more hours. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself, believing that by rushing myself that I will get things done. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a constant application because I believe that it will be difficult. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quite before I even begin. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go along with things, because its easier that way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto friendships, rather than apply myself in what requires to be done, meaning that I may not have time to chit chat and bull shit with people here on the farm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself conditionally, meaning, Not in every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rest from directing myself in every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within limitation believing that there is only so much one can do in a day, and within this, I allow myself to postpone applying myself in writing and art, where in participate with the thought inside myself of ‘there is only so much one can in a day” I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself because I am tired, and would rather sleep. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself from the perspective of building up pressure inside me and causing myself pain. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that the pressure build up which I believe causes my headaches could actually be because I do not apply myself and push myself to apply myself, and therefore, I then instead of applying myself as here as breath in real physical action, think about what I might do, or go into guilt for not doing something, or because I did not do that thing, I then think about  the thing I did not do, and this is what is causing the pressure inside me, Not applying myself physically, and pushing myself, which means applying myself physically here as breath.