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Not Wanting to Move, out of fear of messing up a “Good Thing”

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Writing Out My Day. First, I will slow myself down, breathe, and ok, write. I woke up a 7am and had a few things to do today, one being “posting my new add” from my Snow Removal Service am offering where I was basically ‘refining’ and ‘tweaking’ my already existing add which I placed 22 days ago. Interesting 21 days was the first initial phase of “my business” where I am the Manager, administrator, labourer, accountant, marketer...etc. Its just me at the moment, but just observing the interesting point of this first phase Lasting 21 days. A few days ago, as I was looking at the point of “gathering everything in, refining, and then re-placing everything, in terms of just getting more specific with the details of the business, and in a way preparing to expand. The point that came up was that I saw within me, a fear of doing this, in that, “I might fuck it up” or “mess something up” The phrase surfacing inside of me was, “if it aint broke, don’t fix it”. So I simply am walking though this point and not allowing it to direct me, meaning I restructured and tweaked the add, and refined the Logo, as well. So rather I direct me within this point, not fear. I did not want to change the picture because “what if there was points within how I placed and structured my initial add that was “attracting customers” and if I change something, I might fuck up the geometry that is triggering people to reply to the add. Though what is the point if I do not understand what is actually working about the add, and thus why not refine the point, place it and then assess the “feedback” so that I become clear on how the entire point is actually functioning. And what is at the bottom of this Fear - MONEY, Fear of "Not Making Money" of changing something and "stopping the flow of money" Ok so simply see here a point of Self Trust, where I, rather than give into this fear, walk in Self Trust, and Common Sense, and allow myself to push through the fears, and even challenge the fears, and Trust Myself to "Keep It Practical" and allow me to "Live the Point" into effectiveness, instead of allowing me to go into a paralysis out of fear of making a mistake.

Daily Writing and Looking at a Fear Point – Oct 15/10

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Got up this morning, at 7:30 I experienced myself as more stable than the day before. So I am slowing down and getting back to simplicity. At the moment just focusing on self here and stopping thoughts, feelings, emotions, energies, urges, positive, negative, and just using self here as breath as the reference point. I wrote some this morning about this point of stabilizing myself. I realized that I was quite lost over this last week, and it was an eye opener to see how simple it is to end up going off into the mind, and just getting trapped up there. So I am stabilizing  myself again, getting back to simplicity and getting back to breath. Just me as the absolute simplicity as the reference point. I drove into town today and decided to buy some more display stuff for my art sale coming up in a few weeks. I have enjoyed creating “little products” out of the work, and packaging it up nice and presenting it. Its cool. So I will see what kind of response I get this time at the sale, I never sold anything last time, so see if the “new packaging” as an influence on the people. I made a drawing today...finally. I have not done much drawing at all since getting back into Calgary. I started with a few previously but then just kind of let the point fade away again. So it was nice to sit down and do some drawing. I experienced myself as calm. I will find out tomorrow if I get the job on the horse ranch. That will be nice to have that point sorted, and then I can start arranging for either doing that or getting on and finding another job. Either way it should not make a difference. I have been looking at this point today, of how one place value in certain things, in what one does, and who one is with, instead of living Value as themselves, as who they are as the starting point and source point of their world. I see still that I have placed value in working with animals, and also with being out on a ranch, where it will be quieter. The obvious deception that I noticed is that believing that “this will solve all my problems. What do I mean by this? Well, in my current world, things aren’t just flowing along, all fine and dandy, I am in fact spending much time alone, and still have not really got the art point moving as a point which I am assisting and supporting myself with yet, and I am still finding that there are inconsistencies within my application, as well as energetic points which I have found myself to be struggling with, and also the point of just remaining here, effective within my application of writing, internet work, drawing, reading, and points like this that I have at the moment the opportunity to take on. I saw the point today of how I allowed myself to believe that by moving onto the horse ranch that “things would be different” in a way where I would be able to “get things done” so to speak. I realized that in fact the real point is here, not there, the real point is not in moving to some other location. I inevitably will simply create the same shit, and the same patterns and the same points to deal with. So in this I see that the Solution, the corrective application is actually Here in my current world, where I take these points that look like they simply don’t want to move, and I “apply myself within them” I mean, why wait to direct certain points in my world. Take the art point for instance. It really ‘seems’ like this point is just not wanting to work here and that I have met with some resistance so to speak with regards to this point. Its like there is an energetic block with this point and with others, and so I simply see that this is the perfect opportunity to actually Stand-Up within these points, and give them direction, and push through the resistances and energetic blockages. The will not just go away on there own, I will actually have to direct the points myself. So I noticed that point of where I was existing within a belief that, if I were to move, that I would then, be able to be effective within my world, instead of pushing and directing me here in specificity and self will, and actually get this world, my current world I am in to function effectively, and direct the necessary points so that the world I am in now works. And not try and hide from it and believe and perceive that my fully optimal functional effective world of when I am really standing and effective in my process is out there somewhere. Its not. If I want an effective world, I have to make this world effective, my current immediate world and it will always be this way. Here is the Key, the power so to speak, this is the point that I have been exploring today. The point of HERE the point of Breath, as being “where its at” this moment right now as I write here, is the moment where my power is. So other than that I had a pretty quite day. Phew, Was nice to just stop and see myself again. I see the point also of accepting myself as silence. Its like I am just so used to “having something going on inside of me, that when there is ‘nothing’ so to speak, I believe that there should be something, instead of allowing myself to embrace this point of ‘nothing going on inside me. Like at the moment, there is not allot here to write about, so I will stop here. Ok so this point just came up inside. It rose up from within my stomach area, it came up as an energy, and electrical current charge where I almost wanted to hold my breath. This point was fear. Fear about my job. Fear about the commitment that I would be making. The fear is related to staying on that ranch for two years or even longer. Now I am experiencing like a weakness inside of me. So this fear came up in considering this point. Its related to “how constructive will this be” and its also related to the point of committing myself to something for another. I see the point here of this fear being related to compromise, where I would end up staying for along time out of ‘obligation’ so within this point/memory, It is the point of taking something on, and then even after seeing that it is not working, continuing to remain within the point and not enjoying myself. So its a fear of not enjoying myself and feeling trapped in a way. So what is the core source point of this, Do I have a memory I can reference with regards to a similar point where this occurred in my life. I am seeing this point related to the experience of myself “on a small scale” where I have countless times in my life, committed to say, going out to a party with friends, or going to hang out, only to realize that I really don’t want to be there, and in a way just going along with it and wasting hours of my time, and existing in a kind of guilt because I was not directing myself. I used to have this experience extensively when I used to smoke pot. I used to really enjoy getting high. But I always made sure that I had everything in place first from the perspective of art. I never mixed marijuana and making art, and so if I got high at school, or like my friends were like c’mon come get high, and I would ‘cave’ and be like ok fine, then that entire day would be a write off and I would experience quite a bit of regret because now I had to wait until I was sober again to paint,  so experienced much regret within myself. So with this point of going to the farm I am experiencing the same point, that I cm compromising myself for the horses, meaning the horses, represent that “high” point and that I would then in getting the job, be actually stepping into a time-loop where I would experience a point of regret the whole time that I am not out in the Matrix, where I am now, working a different job, where I feel, like I am actually standing right in the system. I experienced this point some on the farm, and especially in considering the point of staying longer on the farm. I saw the point of regret where I would actually be compromising myself, because I was/would not be standing here in the system. So with the job here, that point of fear I experienced come up inside of me is this same point. I fear of regretting the decision and then having to live in regret. Its like doing something you shouldn’t be doing, then afterwards feeling regret that you did it. There is the point with this ranch that I will enjoy the point of living on the farm, and in a way, it will be a little different than working and living in the city, and actually be more like living on the desteni farm in some way, and it is within this point that I feel like I am ‘hiding’ from responsibility. Also I see the point of that within committing to a point like this, one is taking a very definitive direction, meaning that, this is going to close off some doors that would have otherwise might have been open, so there is a point coming up also here of “what am I missing out on” a fear of missing out. A here again the fear of compromising myself by closing off certain specific doors that otherwise would have been there for the walking through. Fascinating that this point which is now nearly a page of writing and actually contains quite a bit, came up in a refraction of a moment, as an energetic point that emerged as an electrical current charge within me in a split second. It lasted less than one second, yet here it is now opened up and it is quite big I see, it is like the splitting of the atom and seeing the universe inside. So cool to open this point up here so I can direct this energy point of fear that I am still allowing within and as me. The main aspect of this fear I see is it is actually a fear of missing out on certain things. The fear pertaining to education, and or the point of Art. Where in if I go out onto this farm, I basically saying that, I am giving up art from the perspective that I originally discussed the point with Bernard before I left the farm. And I am also saying that I will not be doing education in the near future as a priority point but rather will be focusing on this point with the Working on the Horse ranch first. In writing this out, both of these points kind of make me nervous. The education point I see that I have this linked to ‘process success’ and the point of Art I see I have this linked to ‘breakthrough’ and ‘Self Enjoyment’ So within going to work on this horse ranch I see/feel as though I am compromising on this point of enjoyment. And taking art to a level of application where I had never been before. So the point of fear coming up is linked to these two points. I also see the point here of “letting myself down”. Will have to Do some Forgiveness on this Point.

Daily Writing – Oct 14 – Where is My Stablity

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Where is my Stability. Over the last week I have experienced myself as anything but stable. Existing in fears, worries, concerns, judgements, self judgements, wonder, speculating, projecting, wanting, desiring, hoping, helpless, scattered, basically, I was just not stable. It was as if I was not able to “ground myself” and end up getting carried away in what ever it was I was doing. The Solution which comes up in relation to this point is Breath. Breathing and focusing on Breath as a stability point to support me in coming back to earth. I experienced myself at times as if I was slipping, and or scurrying to keep up with those that were ahead of me up on the mountain top, and I simply was sliding way down the mountain side frantically attempting to get a grip somewhere and grasp onto something to be able to just keep up. I found that I simply was unable to calm myself down, to keep myself stable and would end up going into these energetic experiences as well as experiences as if I was speaking about specific things and even though the words were coming out of me it was as if they weren’t grounded in anything. Like I simply could not get to the bottom of myself. A point of Stopping. So why is it that I have not yet been able to establish a foundation for myself and an application of self that will actually stand stable no matter what happens in my world, so that I do not get carried away. It would be a cool point to do an SRA session on this point to look at the priority point of fear which is causing or the core point at the moment as to why I have been not able to earth myself or ground myself here in every moment where in I am silent with myself. There was much going on within my mind with regards to work and how things were/are going to unfold. Though the point I am looking at here in this moment is establishing myself as Here, so that no matter what happen, no matter what occur I am Here, I am stable, I am Here as myself and can simply direct myself in common sense, instead of getting caught up in knowledge and information, and fear, and thoughts and pictures etc. So I am going to explore this point of breath, and of simplicity. Because I see that I really require to find a stability point within myself, one where I do not go into comparison, into wants, into needs, etc, a point which will support me in earthing myself and remaining here as Breath. I was reading Viktors blog and he mentioned a point about the earth “not having a judgement about a particular decision that one make” the earth is simply here. And also in discussions with Marlen where she was mentioning the point about establishing oneself in the moment, in each and every moment, where ones application is here in the moment. What I see within what she was saying was that the solution so to speak, is always here, is always available, and that that solution, that stability, and ability for one to remain here in common sense clarity of self in simplicity is Here where one focus on what is here in the moment and not go into projections as such and that who one is is their starting point in every moment, so to simply look at this, and trust oneself within this. I mean I have watched countless videos and heard many times the point of ones ‘power’ being in ones breath, in the moment. I mean I noticed that I attempt to create systems and structures to attempt to stabilize myself and have not yet gotten to the point of actually establishing myself within the breath as an actual real support point where I can actually stand stable. I was forced into a kind of silence today. I simply crashed. After I woke up I had a headache and so decided to sleep it off, after 3 hours of sleep, I woke up and proceeded to work, but the headache was still there, so Laid back down, it was quite uncomfortable, after another hour or two I got up and the headache had released, I was grateful and experienced myself simply within a silence, I had in a way just stopped. Just gave-up on trying to “get everything done” So that was cool to experience myself as silent and stable for a moment where I had stopped. A cool reference point. So the question that came up was, How do I remain here in and as this silence, where I am actually here and present in that which I am doing, and not caught up in my mind where in I am really only half here, and simply am unable to slow myself down to a silence to actually be effective with what I am doing and how I am applying myself. I mean I was ready to carry on, to just keep trying to plough ahead, and not realizing to the extent that I was completely lost in an energetic experience of a kind of frantic, survival application and just not able to slow myself down. I see this point being related to money. Where a fear emerge within me and take me over and direct me, even so that I am not able to anymore make a practical decision. Its like I just lock myself into this fear, it is quite extensive. So simply forgive myself for the point. I am here now so I can start again. I also experienced allot of comparison towards others, and judgements towards myself like I was not doing good enough, so here too also is another kind of survival lock-in mode. So the point here is to stop. So I am grateful for the headache from the perspective that it ‘forced’ to just f-ing stop. My body assisting me here. So now to reconsider why and how it was that I was so easily carried away. It was like a striving and pushing just took me over, there was no real slowing down, but rather day by day a kind of ‘getting lost’ and just attempting to grasp onto some point that is stable. Ok so the Breath, why the Breath, Because the breath is simple. The breath is simplicity, and so there is no attempting to become something or achieve something, or wanting or yearning, or speculation. It is just breath, a physical breathing in and out. There is no right or wrong in breath, there is just breath. Within this point also I see the point of “The Physical” where again, there is no judgement within the physical. It is simply Here, and I am here too as the physical as my physical body, though I have created an idea about myself as “being something” other than this, when if I look from the perspective of the physical, I am equal to it and to all others as the physical as we are all physical bodies here as an extension of the earth and this universe as a physical existence.

Letting Go of the Past – Daily Writing – October 5th 2010

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October 5th Writing Out My Day. First point of reaction that I want to look at here is the reaction I had as I was browsing through Desteni Forums today.  As I was reading the posts I was reading this one post where Robert was inquiring about getting a volunteer visa. The Reaction I had when I first saw this started with a jealousy point coming up first in relation to Robert from the perspective of me being inferior towards other being in this process. This ‘kind’ of reaction within the point of inferior towards other being in this process has been quite allot. I have been noticing that I still react quite ‘strongly’ in relation to “other beings within this process” particularly those who are younger than me, and also those who will be visiting the farm in South Africa. Within this I see that I immediately go to a point of “believing, seeing, experiencing myself as if I “had my chance” or that “the cool part of my life is over” and that I now must go back to my ‘mundane’ existence of simply living out my life. Within this I see the point of actually having separated myself from the point of “having a cool/enjoyable life experience” where I have abdicated this point in this scenario to “the desteni farm” where in I am actually walking around holding onto this belief that “that was like the pinnacle of my life” and also that I myself am not capable of doing for myself the experience I had at the desteni farm. An interesting point – Its like an accepted and allowed idea or perception of myself as being incapable of providing for myself enjoyment, excitement, intrigue. Its like going to the arcade as a kid and holding back on using up all your quarters, because when your quarters are used up, your fun is over. So in a way I have placed myself in a point where I essentially, “have not more quarters” and there is nothing I can do about this. Its like  belief that I am not capable of providing for me that point of ‘coolness’ I will say, in terms of a ‘life that I actually enjoyed’ Also because of the people there. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” the idea that I am not capable of recreating for myself a ‘point’ within this world and my life that is equal to that which I experienced at the desteni farm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hold onto’ and ‘fear losing’ desteni from the perspective of it containing ‘points’ which I see myself as incapable of ‘expressing’ for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self value to desteni from  the perspective of believing that without desteni and specific points within desteni such as the portal, that Life would be “back to normal and boring” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on desteni and the portal for “life to be interesting” from the perspective of actually placing value in this point outside of myself where in I “don’t want that point to go away” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” points in separation from me from the perspective of giving them value instead of realizing and seeing value as myself here in every moment, where in I am the source to speak of “my experience” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hold onto anything out of fear of loss. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “get upset” because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of me and the enjoyment there-of is dependent on external forces, and that if I do not have access to those external forces or points than my life will never be fun, or enjoyable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement of  - I don’t want to be with just me – where in I am actually implying that I am not enough and that who I am as myself alone, is actually someone I “don’t want to be with” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger over the point of “being with me” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a shit experience for myself and never do anything to change that, where in I actually create a cool experience for myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take responsibility for me in creating my own world in self responsibility, but rather want someone else to do it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “not want” to stand up and create my own reality because then there would never be any surprises. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to entertain me while I sit and do nothing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this point abdicate my responsibility to another to “lift me up” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “place desteni” as that point which “lift me up” instead of me “lifting me up” so to speak. I forgive myself that I haven’t taken action within this world and reality to create a system that will actually make interaction expression in this reality cool and enjoyable for ALL. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of creating a scenario that I actually enjoy and that others enjoy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand back and let others create specific events and scenarios for beings to experience themselves within because I fear that I will create something that is not fun. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vulnerability in actually being able to facilitate a cool experience for myself and others in communication and interaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings depend on me, because I believe that I will simply let them down. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define creating a scenario, environment, or situation for myself and others to come together and interact as “not fun” because I actually fear communicating and interacting with others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my preprogramming to dominate me from the perspective of seeing myself as uncomfortable around other beings, and there in avoid expressing and interacting with others because of it being uncomfortable and awkward I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as life believing that I am unable to make a life for myself that works and that I enjoy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my expansion and learning to a point outside of me in and as desteni Bernard and the portal, instead of me expanding myself within such a way that I am intrigued and engaged by this self expansion as myself from the perspective of actually really enjoying each moment of my experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “miss” the farm, instead of simply letting the point go within seeing that it is cool to let the point go, and realize that I am not defined, or dependant on ‘the farm’ where in seeing that this ‘experience’ I have within this point is actually simply based on an energetic charge and a starting point of separation, and that rather, give myself the gift of me, through “letting  this point of the farm go” and standing HERE within my life, HERE in this moment with “no reaction to or towards the farm, but Me Standing as Myself where I realize that who I am is only dependant on myself as the source of me. I allow myself to let go of desteni. I allow myself to let go of desteni from the perspective of unconditionally letting this point go as this is simply who I was in the past. Yes it is very cool, though to expand this point, I simply ‘let it go’ and expand me. I stand here within the realization of to let this point of the desteni farm go, that I am actually allowing me to expand where in I am not accepting and allowing myself to place limits and boundaries on what is possible in this life, in this reality, this existence, but that I unconditionally let the past go and remain here as myself, walking this process to bring about practically, a world that is best for all. In by hanging onto the past I am not allowing myself to see myself as anything ‘more’ than what has already happened, I allow me to stand here equal to the desteni farm and all that i experienced where in by letting this point go unconditionally I make the statement to myself that I am equal to the point. So ya, basically I reacted to the point of seeing that Robert was going to the farm. In a way having a desire to once again go to the farm, although Interestingly enough I experience a resistance to the point of going to the farm as well. Where in I see myself in certain experiences I had there, where there were some tough points and experiences that I had to walk through and that I would rather not face these again. So that is the point of resistance coming up there. Another point that came up in relation to this point is believing that “if I had something useful to offer” I would maybe be in a different position. Like for example Robert is taking on the point of programming, as well as others which is quite a useful point with Desteni. So here I see the point of wanting to be practically valid in that which I ‘contribute’ so to speak to desteni. Like wanting to be an integral part. Like holding a key responsibility. But again I see that within this there is the dimension of simply wanting a “key point” so to “lock myself in” to desteni, as to never have to lose destei. Oh God...lololololololo, thats fucking funny. The Mind is a sneaky fucker. So this aspect of this point is not valid. However, acquiring or developing myself practically to take on a specific role within this process I see as still being valid. Though how I actually perceive myself within where I currently stand in this point, seems to contain a kind of manipulative view I will say, as in still I experience much doubt as to “my effectiveness” and “role” in terms of having the necessary preparation. I Guess the point Here to Consider is that this is not going to happen by itself. That it is not “meant to be” but that I will actually have to place myself within seeing common sensically where and how exactly, precisely to place myself so that I support the bringing forth of a new equal money system and a world that is best for all. I had a conversation today with a girl that lives here in the house I am living with. I quite enjoyed the conversation as I would say it is the furthest into depth I have went in terms of sharing my understanding of how things are currently going, and how this world is actually functioning and what points being should really be considering within this world – I also realized that within speak to others, instead of being alone in my room, I actually practically open myself up and become more effective at communicating and interaction with actual real beings. Anyhow it was a pretty cool experience because there are not allot of people one come across, or at least that I have come across that actually are willing to listen. It was fucking fascinating to see this being actually considering these points and seeing these points as common sense as I explained my perspective. Its like seeing myself in a way where in it is quite enjoyable to see a being consider for the first time a question or point that they had not before, where in I see me there considering that point for the first time, when it was first presented to me, and how interesting it was to consider such things, and how, my life changed from that point forward, it become funner, to live and be here on this earth, within considering such possibilities, almost like one goes “fuck I knew it” “ I knew there was something more” “I knew it” like a light goes on inside a being so to speak. So otherwise still facing this point daily of How exactly I am going to place myself within this process. Obviously money an ‘obstacle’. Interesting though I see the point of being kind of relieved that I “don’t have to consider the point of education at the moment” due to money. Or rather this consideration is something I can prepare for in the future, but do not have to directly face at the moment. So what is this point of relief? One point I see here is that I can avoid doing something that I do not want to do, and in a way, hold onto a point of hope that I can actually do something that is valid and relevant within this process. Also seeing that within the education that my participation with desteni would be less, or like “moving away from desteni” so again here seeing the point of ‘fear’ or the point of ‘holding onto desteni’ which is why I am ‘relieved’ that I do not have to consider education at the moment, which actually represent the point of “moving away from desteni” as I have placed it within me. In terms of education -  the points where I see I require education is politics and economics as these are points that I know very little about. Meanwhile I can begin Educating myself on these points. Goodnight.