Tag Archives: equality

Process Update – Managing My World. (3 Stories)

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I am definitely within an application of “avoidance” at the moment, and allowing my mind to direct me. This morning I slept in until 7am when I planned to get up at 6am, though within me last night I can see that I “was not up for it” and believing 6am was to early as I was quite exhausted last night. And so I ‘intended’ to get up but overslept my alarm. I experienced guilt immediately upon waking as I started doing a 21 days 6 hours sleep process. So when waking I went into a point of guilt and noticed also that I was “less directive” in my day, as I was in a way, allowing me to remain ‘stuck’ in this energy of guilt and slowness. Like a point of “I have failed” When if I practically look at the situation, I mean it was 7am instead of 6am, practically speaking that will have not “great affect” on my day, and it is more practical to let go of the point and start directing myself in that which I require to do today. I saw that I allowed the point of guilt in a way as an accepted experience of self when I “fail at something” or “fall on a point” – Though the energetic experience I was allowing was not related practically to my reality but more on past experiences of guilt as what I noticed is that my day is Still Here in front of me, and so pointless to allow me to exist in this point of guilt, like making a big point of nothing really. Its interesting I see that I within this point have allowed this very initial starting point of the waking up in the morning determine the rest of my day, instead of me being the starting point of me in every moment here, where in any given moment, I can correct self, instead of locking myself into a cycle where I have to wait for the next opportunity. I remember on the farm I was faced a few times with the point of experiencing a point of depression, and that I could allow myself to exist within this point of depression, and regret, or I could Stop, and get up off my ass and apply myself within my world. This is the point that I saw this morning, where I realized that I do not have to exist within this point of guilt or depression which was “triggered by sleeping in” Fuck that, I can Stop, and correct myself and start applying myself in my day. Last night I met with an x-girlfriend of mine who I had been in a relationship with for 8 years and who I broke up with around the time I started with desteni. So was interesting to sit and chat last night as I had not spoken with her for couple years now. I noticed that I within the discussion I experience quite a bit of paint in my upper shoulders, back and neck as we communicated, so see a point of straining myself and clenching myself within during our communication last night where I was accessing points of mind within our interaction and within communicating. So interesting to see this tension and pain come up immediately within starting to communicate with this being. Its like a point of “really wanting to get a message though” within which I tense up my entire back and shoulders. And even a point of not trusting my expression, communication, words to communicate effectively. Like wanting her to agree with me and see and understand my words and affirm what it is I am speaking about. Though overall the conversation/discussion was quite cool. Another point that occurred yesterday was that the point of doing “furniture assembly and delivery” for the furniture shop I am currently working with opened up. This is quite a cool point and can see there is some excitement within me towards this though , I am also experiencing a “straining” within this excitement I experience, like “what if things don’t work out” so it is like two adverse points manifesting a strain within me. So basically yesterday within discussion of possibly expanding my duties at the furniture shop, I inquired if “they have a delivery service” because I had noticed that there are usually a few items in the back waiting to be picked up by customers and most often these items are smallish – and so wondered if “there was a market for this” in where why not I “Offer the service of doing the delivery” as I at the moment have a van and so can fit in some smaller items for delivery. So I discussed the point some with the owner and she said she would pass along my number to clients, and also recommend me to clients who require small furniture delivery. So this is quite exciting because I see here another opportunity of taking this point on as a business, of which I can do furniture delivery and assembly. So I have done some research today on the point and this seems very realistic so am going to take this point on, as I also see that this will not simply “end after winter” like the “Snow Removal Service” but can actually walk this point and develop this point for a longer period of time. So now I am at the stage where, I see this point and am exceeded, yet must breathe as reality only move so fast and thus must take this point on “practically” and “common sensically” and like the “Snow Removal Business” There are points of uncertainty with regards to money, and how/if I will manage the point of getting this going. I also got a call yesterday which I have not yet returned about, would ya know it, doing “furniture assembly” lol – I actually had found a job application online doing this and inquired about the point which funny enough, opened up inside of me the point of inquiring with my current company about offering my services through them. Lol, So this is quite funny as this is similar to what happened with the snow removal service where I initially “began the point” by browsing through jobs, and going for a job interview, and then within looking at the whole point deciding to simply “do the point for myself” instead of “working for others” doing something I can actually do on my own. So I am sure I will update later to indicate/show, what’s working, and what not, and the type of specificity and application required to ensuring that these “businesses or service offers” are practically functional. Though for now will keep it simply and keep it physical.

Stop Blaming the Government – Vote for a New Equal Money System

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Stop Blaming the Government - Vote for a New Equal Money System I woke up today at around 8:30 or something like this. I read a few posts and then prepared to go to work, as I was scheduled to work today in the furniture store. Interesting point here, I get paid twice as much per hour working at the furniture store than I do on the horse ranch. LOL – that illustrating the complete fucked upness of this reality, that there can be such a polarity between wages. Basically the furniture deals with money in a different way, and in a way its pretty cool they offer quite a high wage for a basic job there in the store, where on the ranch the wage is initially low. Though I experienced a point today of basically being a slave. Which I am, for money at the moment, where within the current system one must work for money, and to get that money must do what ever the one who is going to give the money sais. This is why we require a new money system, so that no being must be subject/slave to another who has money and can tell them what to do because that particular being is in need of money. That is an absolute fuck-up. That is why I have given up my world, my life and given up this current world and reality because I see no other solution but than to stop this fucked up system and create a new one which actually allow beings to express themselves and live in freedom- Something that is no where existent in this current world of enslavement which we all accept so readily and not even realize the point of enslavement we are all accepting. I am simply not just going to “find my place in this reality and in this system” And attempt to make it work for me and then live out my life, while I make the system work in my favour where in a make money and live a comfortable life, all the while ignoring the fact for one, that I had to completely compromise myself and my self expression to fit into this system of enslavement and have the system work in my favour, and also completely disregarded those that suffer and who are not in a beneficial point within the system so that they can have money and live comfortable as well. My focus is not how can I fit into this system and make my life work. My focus is how can I direct and apply myself to place myself in a position to change this system so that it is actually an enjoyable world to live in FOR ALL. Because anyone who actually say they enjoy this world are fucking lying or have completely deluded themselves into believing and accepting that they in fact enjoy this reality, this world. I mean if people enjoy enslavement – that’s pretty fucked up. Its fascinating how we are able to IGNORE the millions of beings suffering in this world, and that we have conditioned ourselves into believing that “they don’t matter” or that it is “irrelevant”. Imagine if all beings on earth decided to place as their direction and purpose in life to bring support to those in need. I mean the fact that there is such a fucked up existence at the moment is because no one is actually considering or caring about each and every being on earth. We have completely lost touch with who we are, with the point of caring for our neighbour. I stand for and support A New Equal Money System and have given up my life to support the emergence of this system, because from my perspective it is a solution that Will actually Support all beings on Earth. And also the life I gave up was not actually living anyways so realistically I gave up enslavement to live. And thus I place my attention on bringing forth an Equal Money System and a World Equality System where the Equality of Each and Every being on Earth is Reflected in the way the World System Support beings here on earth. And thus with an Equal Money System all beings on earth will be supported as Equals. Not like today’s system where some have millions and others actually just die after a few years because they have nothing. And I mean this is the system that many support – Is this really acceptable? An Equal Money System is a New System. It is an Alternative to this current system. I mean if you look at the extreme outflows of this current system – mass wars, millions dying, millions starving and in poverty, even now the “good countries” struggling to manage massive debt levels and unemployment. Thus a few tweaks here and there are not going to do it. – If we want to actually correct this world we require Mass Change Its so funny I have noticed that people want thier government to change everything to fix everything. People are completely fucked up because all they do is blame their government. What a Fucking Joke – they go to the little booth, put a check mark on a card, and then there, they have done their part! Now they apparently have the right to complain? Fuck, all that’s showing is that people are unwilling to take responsibility for themselves and for what is here on this earth. They just expect the government to do it. And the fact that they complain about it shows that they really don’t understand at all how the system works The problem is – The system is so fucked up that there is no way out – Every way you turn there is a massive snag. But the people are not willing to see this – they simply blame the government for not finding them a job, for not giving them their pensions – but if in fact they would actually look for themselves and see that this World System is such a fuck up that there is actually no real solution within this current system. That they themselves have no actual clue on what to do or how the system actually work. Because if they did, they would have stopped supporting this system and the political system along time ago, but people do not actually know how it works. Yet still complain to their government that its the government that is the problem. So what is their grand solution – Another Election! We want another president – one who will give us jobs and money and oh my fuck people!   Ok so I have a solution Desteni Has a Solution. It is called The Equal Money System...Let me guess...”It won’t work” how do I know you will say this – Because this is the only thing you can say. Its as if you have not developed the ability to actually investigate something for yourself. So hardened into the current way things work that you are unable to actually consider something else...it simply won’t work shows the degree of how one is programmed to accept only the current system and is not able to actually consider something else. So I suggest investigate the Equal Money System that Desteni is Proposing. The Principle of an Equal Money System is “What is Best for ALL” The Point of taking all beings on this planet into consideration within the creation of a system that will support each and everyone of them equally, so that all beings are supported on this earth with the basic living requirements in place facilitated through an equality system that we create and develop on this earth. I mean aren’t we supposed to be evolving? Then would this not be an actual point of progressive evolution for humanity, it we were able to create a world system that supports each and every being on earth to a point of a dignified life.  From my perspective that indicate to me an actual point of evolution because at the moment our current world system only support a few, while millions are dying and do not have support from the world system. There is a proposed system already in the works for this – It is called and Equal Money System as Presented by Desteni and you can research it on www.equalmoney.org or visit the desteni website at www.desteni.co.za to find out more. I am one Vote For World Equality and A New Equal Money System. I mean of one start to investigate what an equal money system actually do it is fucking amazing. It is a system that provide for all beings on earth the basic necessities of life as a birth right, meaning they will receive an allowance so to speak – All beings on earth, from when they are born until they die – Obviously practical points are considered as well like for instance a child of 2 years only will not be able to handle his own money for example. Along with this distribution of money to beings it will also be ensured that each being has equal shelter. Now I am not talking about some hut with not floor, I am talking about the basic physical requirements so that all can live a dignified life. So all one has to do is look for oneself. What are the basics to live on this planet and have basic physical support. Food, Shelter, Water, Heat, and so forth. I mean instead of having to fight to get yourself an education – Education will be provided for all, Why, because that is how one support itself as life. This is not about “trying to make it” in this world. The reason why this point currently exist where beings have to “try to make it” is because there is only so much ‘room’ in the system. Does it not make sense rather to create a system which actually support beings instead of suppress them? I mean the system is a reflection of ourselves, is a reflection of what we accept and allow ourselves to be, and the fact that our current world system is not considering all beings as equal in this world is actually saying that in fact it is us who is not considering all beings as being equal in this world. Thus to a suggestion. Do what is best for all. Replace the Starting point of Yourself. It is a point of self re-creation where one actually re-create and re-design oneself so that they do in fact consider all beings equally within this world. Thus Stand as What is Best for ALL. Become What is Best for ALL. Do What is Best for ALL. Be What is Best for ALL. In every moment of your life – Act in the best interest of ALL. Yes this will require everything about oneself and about ones life to change. Actual evolution yes. Or we can do nothing. Which we are really good at by now So you either Support a New Equal Money System and What is Best for ALL Or you support the Current System and Millions Dying each day of starvation. You Decide www.equalmoney.org www.desteni.co.za I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that equality is not possible. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a system that support all beings on earth is not possible. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I did not ever think of a system like this, that it cannot be right. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to consider anything other than what is here and within this believe that nothing else is possible. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not capable of actually creating something that works and is effective and actually supports beings and life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not smart enough to create and system that is best for all and that actually support all beings on earth. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I “don’t have it in me to be able to do this” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of standing as a system that is best for all I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be some great smart person to be able to actually see how this system works and actually direct this system into existence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself who I am as life and equal to every part of life as having equal value to all points as life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in separation of life instead of stand as all life as what is best for all as myself as who I am in every moment.

Working on Horse Ranch – Daily Writing – Oct 22/2010

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Today I went to work today at a horse ranch. I was up at 6:00am because I had to drive 45min out of town to get the ranch. I am basically “doing a trial run” to see if this job is going to work out for me. So within this point I am ‘deciding’ what I am going to do for work for the future, maybe even for the next year. I have been living here in the city the for the last month and half, and starting looking for and applying to adds for jobs here in the city, mostly related to construction as there is allot of that going here. Though I don’t have any “system recognition” in these fields so not sure if this has anything to do why I have not gotten any strong leads. A few interviews but no call backs. Anyways I also applied to this add for a “Barn Assistant Manager” Which is quite different from say working here in the city, as this job is out on a ranch of about 200 acres, where in I would actually move out and live on the ranch in a place there.  Initially they “went with someone else” but that never worked out so they called me and asked me to come out today to work to see how it goes. I arrived at 7:30 after driving 130km down the highway to get there on time – didn’t realize it was so far away, I was thinking that “that that wasn’t a good sign” I find I have been doing this in a way, like attempting to “read the patterning” of the events, to get an idea of what I am heading into. I mean “knocking  over and smashing a 1000 dollar lamp” at the furniture job I was busy with is an interesting symbol of sorts – Like in a way smashing all possibilities of ever working there again. I notice that I have this fear of working at this ranch related to a point that came up when I was staying on the farm in South Africa. Where I fear, “cutting myself off” from the world, or “not placing myself effectively”  Like in a way where I “go into a waiting” instead of a participating you can say, and so I fear “locking myself into this point again” as I just “got out of this point” when I decided to come back to Canada and begin directing myself here. I have been experiencing this point come up quite a bit in relation to working on this farm/ranch.  Like the whole time thoughts coming up saying to myself that “I shouldn’t be doing this” or that “this is not the right way” or “something is off here”. So today I simply went out to work there and simply see the point of actually just going there and walking within the point and seeing if what is coming up inside me is valid in any way what so ever or if this is simply just fear stuff, where in I will see in the actual real walking of the point that it is nothing like I ‘expect’ I mean, I don’t really have rent and food money for next month also, so here with this opportunity I would actually be placing myself into a more stable financial position than I am currently. Ok, but enough observer shit – I want to get into my daily walking experience of myself. I was nervous because I was 10 minutes late, and not sure if they were waiting for me or if they were going to be ok with me being a bit late. I showed up and Ricardo, the Guy who is training me was busy with the horses and I simply announced myself and we continued with doing the daily tasks- no verbal mention of me being late, maybe a slight resonance friction though coming through, although this could have only be from me. It was nice to be around animals again, and I stepped right in with putting the blankets on the Horses that were in the stable, as we prepared to take them out. I think they have around 50 horses there are the moment. So was cool, here my experience with working on the desteni farm with horses actually provided me with a reference point for this job, quite fascinating actually, without that experience I had on the desteni farm working with horses, this job would not be possible. And the horse industry around the area I am in is apparently pretty big – Hence the nickname of my city – “CowTown”. So I proceeded to go into each stable and put the blankets on the horses. Some of them stable, some a little jumpy, but overall stable. Some where little devious, like this big guy...first thing he did when I got in there is grab the edge of the blanket with his teeth and held on and wouldn’t let go, now obviously this made it so I couldn’t put the blanket on because he had the thing in his mouth. I definitely had to laugh with myself because it was quite funny. Eventually after some tugging he let go, and I placed the blanket on him. I was a bit nervous, because afterall I am now encountering many different animals so start to see reactive points now moving inside of me, points that don’t necessarily come up when one is alone typing in front of the computer. So when with other beings, this stuff comes up. Interesting to, fears and stuff related to being bit or kicked by horses started surfacing as well. I mean We were quite particular on the Desteni Farm with the horses, and here they just threw me right in. Shit we also went out to this big field where this mare and colt were with this stallion and I had to lead the mare and colt out as the other guy distracted the stallion because the stallion would not approve of us taking away the mare and colt. So I led the mare out and the colt simply followed close by, so there was not need to put a harness on colt as it followed closely by its mothers side. I had a reactive point come up today as well in relation to how the animals are being treated there, from the perspective of how animals, in this case horses have been placed according to and within this world system, and current money system. Here the animals are caged and placed in such a way that accommodate profit. I mean what the fuck else do you expect. Obviously this is unavoidable anywhere within this current system as all points are related to, shaped, formed and structured around money, profit and greed. This is why I stand as what is best for all and stand for a new equal money system. So that this scenario will no longer exist where animals are fucking marginalized as points within this world to facilitate the creation of money, and where there actually experience is not taken into consideration or bothered with at all in terms of being equal and one with humans. So I see I had/have a reaction/judgment in relation to this point, though I see that “it is simply this way at the moment” and to actually change this will take some long term movement and dedication and walking as what is best for all. It will simply not change over night. Another reaction I noticed coming up quite prominently in relation to working at this place is the point of “family”. This is a family owned business, and so found myself  reacting to/judging this point extensively where I have actually created quite a reaction inside myself  in relation to this point. Why – Because I see/experience the point of family to represent that of suppression, where a being is not actually able to “think and do for themselves” but always must do “what is right and accepted within the family construct” I see this point specifically in relation to my mother coming up here. Where I see that I absolutely limit myself around my mother from the perspective of still placing myself within a point of “lesser than” from the perspective of seeing it as no-use to attempt to reason or try to change her, but in a way, just accept my expression around her as such, and “wait it out” Today I was introduced to “the mother” of the girl that called me for the interview and immediately when straight into a point of judgment/reaction. See here a point of enslavement, of suppression, where now I will have to limit and compromise myself and twist and hold myself as “being this picture presentation” in relation to “the mother” in so that “she likes me” and allow me to keep my job. I mean Fuck, I was always “such as nice boy” you polite, someone you could introduce to your mother, and I would not cause any friction, saying all the right things. Jezzuss Fuck. What fucking bullshit – So this point came up in that moment, and like experiencing myself within a kind of contraction/restriction coming up. It is quite interesting because as I walk within my world, and encounter people and meet people, like for example my roommates, and new these people at this job, I am always checking to see “what the being is going to face” meaning, I see what I will not accept and allow, and as such this being will face this point within being within my world, and then I ask myself the question of, will the being actually be able to handle this or will there be to much friction. I have been noticing a point similar to what Viktor posted about on the forums in relation to ‘grace’. And that one cannot just simply confront a being on a point, but must actually look and see where that being is within there process, and assist them from this starting point, not simply demanding unreasonable demands where the being is actually not even able to understand what you are talking about. So at this farm, I am looking at these points. Am I able to bring these beings to a point of understanding of what I am doing, and who I am, because I have no interest in suppressing myself, though it may take time to in a way lay the proper foundation for them to see who I am, and not simply see a bald headed cult member. Because I don’t know if there is a situation out there where beings within this process are not faced with the point of standing amongst those who really have no clue what they are about. So it is not to simply dismiss a situation or a being, because one perceive, believe that they won’t , don’t get it. So in any case this ‘family’ point is probably the most prominent resistance/reaction point coming up with working at this farm.  What is interesting here is that I noticed what this reaction I was having actually was. It was a judgement. I was/am actually judging these beings, and not actually remaining here as myself, constant in every moment, but am actually judging beings for how they are currently existing , and in a way “wanting to run from this” believing that “I can run from this” like “oh there is too much friction here, gotta find somewhere else” well, it occurs to me – What the fuck is this friction point! I mean here I am having quite an extensive reaction, which is actually showing me a resistance point /judgement that I have created within and as me, so why not face the point and walk through it, rather than seeing it as “avoidable” and “a good reason to go elsewhere” So here I simply realize that this reaction to the ‘family’ point is a reaction, and is not valid as a point from the perspective of it directing me instead of me directing myself and standing. They were also playing country music – holy fuck, the programming here is extensive, especially in terms of god, religion, family, relationship and creating a very specific picture in relation to how this should all go and what one should attain to in this world from the perspective of having the “perfect life” I mean obviously all music does this currently, but today I was exposed to country music specifically and how it create this very particular image,fantasy,picture  of a desired outcome. Music is like the glue that holds it all together in a way. Creating, and maintaining those specific emotional energetic connections where when a being listen to a certain song, all the pictures light up, now within the melody, one goes into emotional experience as they see the image in there mind, and experience an emotional movement. Fuck Mu-SICK,  simply assist and support holding this system together, and not allow beings to change. One more point we will all have to let go of. So will see how this point goes with the Job. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within energy towards or in relation to any point what so ever. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify or validate a reaction point towards family, seeing this as a ‘valid’ reaction, when in fact it is simply a point of energy which I have not yet purified within myself in relation to what exist here as this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing this point of ‘mother’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘upsetting mother’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is valid reason for a mother to become upset instead of seeing that in fact this is just an emotional reaction charge that the being as the mother has not actually taken responsibility for yet. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mothers are always right, and there is nothing I can do in these situations but suppress myself and agree. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear shattering the mother construct I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “go into the emotional response/reaction point” in relation to the point of mother, instead of Stopping in that moment, and realizing that in fact this is a reaction, and simply stopping ALL reaction points, and realizing here before me, that this is not a mother, but in fact an equal as myself, a being, one and equal as life, and from this perspective I am able to communicate with and interact with the being from this perspective. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions I have, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the perfect situation for me will be one where there is little conflict.

The Burden of Money – Exploring Emotional Reaction Point – Oct 18th/10

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Ok, I am going to focus Here on a Particular Event which happened today. The event occurred at the furniture store where I have been helping out periodically assembling furniture and assisting with moving items around the show room. One of the cool points about the store is that it is an opportunity for me to “remain here” and aware of myself within my environment as this furniture is quite expensive and I am often moving items around and must be sure not to knock into something or leave a mark on something, so one must be quite focused and deliberate with each movement while moving the furniture. I have also been wondering about a job interview that I was supposed to here back from today, so noticed that this thought would come up while I was working. At one point after setting up some lamps I decided to check my messages, and to my relief I noticed that someone had left a message on my phone and I figured it was about a potential job. So yes there was both excitement and relief coming up in this moment. So I checked my messages and it was related to a construction job in order to arrange an interview with me for tomorrow.  That was pretty, cool, I mean, yes the furniture store is what it is, but was quite temporary from my point of view. So this was a pretty cool point, I could really see myself working in this job, and as I looked at this point I noticed certain experiences coming up inside me, as I observed myself there on the job site SMASH!!!...Back to reality. I was so busy now looking at this point, off in my mind, that I “lost touch” with the moment here and had bumped without noticing one of the brand new glass lamps that I had just set up. No doubt to be sold for around 1000.00. It fell over and smashed to pieces, which brought me back out of the mind instantly only to realize what I had done , being so preoccupied with this new job potential, in my mind, ended up knocking over and smashing one of the glass lamps. Fuck. Was my immediate reaction. I stood there, in a way, seeing that I had done that which I actually feared doing since I arrived at the store, which was knocking something over and/or causing damage to one of the expensive pieces of furniture. This entire point created and focused around the point of money and how it is currently functioning within this reality and inside human beings. I experienced shame/self judgement/I deserve to be punished immediately firstly because I see that I was in my mind which is why I knocked the lamp over. So there exist here the point of how I have accepted and allowed me to define myself as this being something that “is so typical” or “so like me” to do. Here I see myself within this kind of “irresponsibility” and “inevitable fuck-up” like sure I am a good help, but “I come with mistakes” I have judged myself quite a bit around this point of where I see myself as the one that always makes a mistake, so here the point of “not good enough” coming up. Like I see myself as a structure with this “weak point” or “holes” which always come through in everything that I do. A point where I simply “loose focus” and that this point separate me from “the smart ones” “the capable ones” “the ones that can be trusted” and “relied upon” where I am not one of these beings, and cannot be relied on because I make mistakes that cost. I see that I have always kind of seen myself in this light, like I am the one who when things got tough, wouldn’t be able to pull through, and didn’t have the ‘compeleteness’ to actually do something 100 percent. Its like the acceptance of myself as less than complete, as not whole, as missing something within myself, where there is just an empty, space, like a blank out in me– Ok I wasn’t even going to discuss this initial point but now I see that it is also quite a prominent point within my design which was active here. So this is specific and will now take this into consideration as I lay out the next point and look to see where and how they are related or inter-linked. The next point has specifically to do with money. As I now went into a point of fear where I feared how the owner would react. Up until that point my relationship with the owner had been pretty cool, I saw myself as being effective within the job and saw that the owner felt this way about me also. So now here I was, breaking this lamp worth a 1000 dollars and now losing the company money, so there the point of money as how it has been created and designed within this world and within myself and in this case the owner was now playing-out. The owner never reacted much ‘outwardly’ but I am sure had many internal reactions which she refrained from expressing. Although this is irrelevant from the perspective of actually sorting out my own reaction. I got really quiet after this happened and felt as though I had done something really wrong. I could see that my reaction was actually based on the design of money, though I still went into the reaction of, fear inside me of what the owner really think of me, I hoped that she was not mad at me and judging me even through she was not saying anything. I saw inside of myself her judging me, I saw her actually being angry and upset because the vase cost lots of money. Also the point of seeing that she did not want to work with me anymore. I did not speak of my reaction inside myself and actually open up the point in self honesty and express how I really felt. I did not even consider doing this. I saw this reaction/experience I was having, and that it was in fact quite a dominating reaction, which is why I am here now looking at this point more specifically and opening this point up, to see why and how I designed this entire emotional reaction because this point came over me and possessed me completely. The reaction was not an elaborate one in an extroverted kind of way, it was a silent reaction, I experienced an energy wave come over me like a dark cloud , where it just kind “set-in” I would then avoid looking the owner in the eye, as I was ashamed of myself and also now the personality of myself that I had worked so hard to establish as being reliable, ‘shattered’, with the shattering of the lamp, and there I was, vulnerable, and in the open, as I had “made a mistake” The money point is quite prominent here as this ‘mistake’ was in a way quite a “large one” from the perspective of the ‘value’ placed on it through and because of ‘money’. This point was not assessed through the actual physical transaction that occurred but rather defined completely according to money and thus, I did not simply shatter some glass, I had from my perspective, placed another in a point of compromise where in I cost them money, and take money off of their pay. So this was the main reason for my reaction, and could not look the owner in the eye for the rest of the day, Because in a way I experienced the point as if she was now paying for me, where I am like a actual burden on the owner. I experienced myself like an actual Burden on the owner, regardless of what she said or did. This was the experience that I was having inside of me. I felt low, and at the end of the day one of the other employees asked if I was tired. I wasn’t tired, though experienced this reaction point of me being a burden now to the owner and the store, where this point of me being a burden exist in relation to the point of money, and this experience I was now going though was not cool. I see this point in relation to my mother, as in a way my relationship to the owner I see being similar in nature and construct to that of my mother. Where she was like the supportive point and I was like the helper. I sometimes felt like a burden on my mother in terms of money. This “emotional experience” of being the burden though only came up more obviously later in life, and after art school. I am not seeing a definitive point coming here although there is memory of myself as a child being at the laundry mat with my mother. This memory is simply popping up here, although I cannot see this connection of where I would have formed and moulded this point of myself as being the burden from the perspective of money in relation to my mother or another She used to give us money when we went to the laundry mat so that we could go around the corner and buy candy. Still not seeing the connection. How about a point where I experienced myself as a burden or kind of debt in relation to another being where I was a burden for them, and there in formed the idea of myself as being a burden, like a debt, a weight upon them, which eventually play-out in relation to money. This here seem like more the ‘creation’ point of this design, not necessarily in relation to money initially, so to explore this point from this perspective. I am going to stop there for tonight.

The Gift of Responsibility – Oct 17/10

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A Clarification/Self Correction with Regards to Self Responsibility.   I have realized a point with regards to Self Responsibility where I have seen within myself and my world where I was accepting and allowing a point of limitation. This revealed as I was busy searching for a job. As I would go through each listing, and explore different possibilities, I noticed that some jobs in particular “called-for” a certain degree of Responsibility and commitment of the individual. When applying for jobs of this nature, I ‘observed’ the point of where I would think to myself that if I were to do that job, I would really be taking on a point of responsibility and in that I would be able to develop myself within this point of responsibility. What I noticed though was that in doing this I was actually accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the point of self responsibility that exist Here in every moment, from the perspective of believing that I must first have a job which demanded commitment and responsibility before I was apply to be responsible or committed. I had abdicated this point of self responsibility and commitment from myself Here, to a point “out there”, as a job, which if I had, would then require me to be responsible and committed. I have realized within this that I was limiting myself from the perspective of not considering the point of actually taking on responsibility and commitment HERE as Myself in each and every moment, and not “wait” in order to this, in by first having a certain job that allowed me to be responsible and committed. I had abdicated and separated myself from “my power” as myself HERE in the moment. Not allowing myself to Walk Absolute Self Responsibility and Commitment Here as myself in every moment. I do not have to wait for job to do this. Thus within this realization I correct myself in by seeing and realizing that the point of self responsibility is able to walked HERE in each and every moment as myself. No more waiting, so to speak. But rather I direct myself HERE within my world in this point of responsibility that I observed and seen within certain specific jobs. I realize that I do not require a job first to be responsible, and walk dedication, commitment, and self responsibility, but that this is something that Self Must Walk in every moment and every breath. Thus Self Responsibility is Here as Myself and I no longer accept and allow myself to limit myself within the believe that I am not able to develop the point of self responsibility from where I stand in this moment. I give me back my power, and as I see that in waiting, I am only coming up with excuses and justifications as to why or how my current situation is not good enough, or does not have the right aspects to be able to develop me in the way that I want. I no longer accept and allow this abdication of myself as self responsibility and self commitment. I see that I was only limiting myself within my expression and application of self and thus Stand Corrected Here as myself, and apply myself within the ‘absolute’ point of self responsibility and self commitment that I had perceived to be out there somewhere. Thus, this gives new ‘meaning’ so to speak. To getting up in the morning. And no more accepting and allowing myself to exist within a point of not standing up within my world, in every moment of my world as self responsibility, commitment, and dedication, no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, no matter if I am at a job or not, as I see that in not doing this is now only an excuse within self ignorance as I see the point of being able to stand as absolute Self Responsibility HERE in every moment. Self Responsibility is the Gift I give to myself as I will myself to Direct myself within my world as the absolute point of self responsibility and no longer separate me from this possibility, from this Responsibility. And no longer accept and allow the limitation of believing that the “greater responsibility” lies “out-there” somewhere. It is Here as Myself , though it is required to be walked, embraced, and lived as myself where I bring this realization into and as myself as a living application of Self.

Daily Writing and Looking at a Fear Point – Oct 15/10

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Got up this morning, at 7:30 I experienced myself as more stable than the day before. So I am slowing down and getting back to simplicity. At the moment just focusing on self here and stopping thoughts, feelings, emotions, energies, urges, positive, negative, and just using self here as breath as the reference point. I wrote some this morning about this point of stabilizing myself. I realized that I was quite lost over this last week, and it was an eye opener to see how simple it is to end up going off into the mind, and just getting trapped up there. So I am stabilizing  myself again, getting back to simplicity and getting back to breath. Just me as the absolute simplicity as the reference point. I drove into town today and decided to buy some more display stuff for my art sale coming up in a few weeks. I have enjoyed creating “little products” out of the work, and packaging it up nice and presenting it. Its cool. So I will see what kind of response I get this time at the sale, I never sold anything last time, so see if the “new packaging” as an influence on the people. I made a drawing today...finally. I have not done much drawing at all since getting back into Calgary. I started with a few previously but then just kind of let the point fade away again. So it was nice to sit down and do some drawing. I experienced myself as calm. I will find out tomorrow if I get the job on the horse ranch. That will be nice to have that point sorted, and then I can start arranging for either doing that or getting on and finding another job. Either way it should not make a difference. I have been looking at this point today, of how one place value in certain things, in what one does, and who one is with, instead of living Value as themselves, as who they are as the starting point and source point of their world. I see still that I have placed value in working with animals, and also with being out on a ranch, where it will be quieter. The obvious deception that I noticed is that believing that “this will solve all my problems. What do I mean by this? Well, in my current world, things aren’t just flowing along, all fine and dandy, I am in fact spending much time alone, and still have not really got the art point moving as a point which I am assisting and supporting myself with yet, and I am still finding that there are inconsistencies within my application, as well as energetic points which I have found myself to be struggling with, and also the point of just remaining here, effective within my application of writing, internet work, drawing, reading, and points like this that I have at the moment the opportunity to take on. I saw the point today of how I allowed myself to believe that by moving onto the horse ranch that “things would be different” in a way where I would be able to “get things done” so to speak. I realized that in fact the real point is here, not there, the real point is not in moving to some other location. I inevitably will simply create the same shit, and the same patterns and the same points to deal with. So in this I see that the Solution, the corrective application is actually Here in my current world, where I take these points that look like they simply don’t want to move, and I “apply myself within them” I mean, why wait to direct certain points in my world. Take the art point for instance. It really ‘seems’ like this point is just not wanting to work here and that I have met with some resistance so to speak with regards to this point. Its like there is an energetic block with this point and with others, and so I simply see that this is the perfect opportunity to actually Stand-Up within these points, and give them direction, and push through the resistances and energetic blockages. The will not just go away on there own, I will actually have to direct the points myself. So I noticed that point of where I was existing within a belief that, if I were to move, that I would then, be able to be effective within my world, instead of pushing and directing me here in specificity and self will, and actually get this world, my current world I am in to function effectively, and direct the necessary points so that the world I am in now works. And not try and hide from it and believe and perceive that my fully optimal functional effective world of when I am really standing and effective in my process is out there somewhere. Its not. If I want an effective world, I have to make this world effective, my current immediate world and it will always be this way. Here is the Key, the power so to speak, this is the point that I have been exploring today. The point of HERE the point of Breath, as being “where its at” this moment right now as I write here, is the moment where my power is. So other than that I had a pretty quite day. Phew, Was nice to just stop and see myself again. I see the point also of accepting myself as silence. Its like I am just so used to “having something going on inside of me, that when there is ‘nothing’ so to speak, I believe that there should be something, instead of allowing myself to embrace this point of ‘nothing going on inside me. Like at the moment, there is not allot here to write about, so I will stop here. Ok so this point just came up inside. It rose up from within my stomach area, it came up as an energy, and electrical current charge where I almost wanted to hold my breath. This point was fear. Fear about my job. Fear about the commitment that I would be making. The fear is related to staying on that ranch for two years or even longer. Now I am experiencing like a weakness inside of me. So this fear came up in considering this point. Its related to “how constructive will this be” and its also related to the point of committing myself to something for another. I see the point here of this fear being related to compromise, where I would end up staying for along time out of ‘obligation’ so within this point/memory, It is the point of taking something on, and then even after seeing that it is not working, continuing to remain within the point and not enjoying myself. So its a fear of not enjoying myself and feeling trapped in a way. So what is the core source point of this, Do I have a memory I can reference with regards to a similar point where this occurred in my life. I am seeing this point related to the experience of myself “on a small scale” where I have countless times in my life, committed to say, going out to a party with friends, or going to hang out, only to realize that I really don’t want to be there, and in a way just going along with it and wasting hours of my time, and existing in a kind of guilt because I was not directing myself. I used to have this experience extensively when I used to smoke pot. I used to really enjoy getting high. But I always made sure that I had everything in place first from the perspective of art. I never mixed marijuana and making art, and so if I got high at school, or like my friends were like c’mon come get high, and I would ‘cave’ and be like ok fine, then that entire day would be a write off and I would experience quite a bit of regret because now I had to wait until I was sober again to paint,  so experienced much regret within myself. So with this point of going to the farm I am experiencing the same point, that I cm compromising myself for the horses, meaning the horses, represent that “high” point and that I would then in getting the job, be actually stepping into a time-loop where I would experience a point of regret the whole time that I am not out in the Matrix, where I am now, working a different job, where I feel, like I am actually standing right in the system. I experienced this point some on the farm, and especially in considering the point of staying longer on the farm. I saw the point of regret where I would actually be compromising myself, because I was/would not be standing here in the system. So with the job here, that point of fear I experienced come up inside of me is this same point. I fear of regretting the decision and then having to live in regret. Its like doing something you shouldn’t be doing, then afterwards feeling regret that you did it. There is the point with this ranch that I will enjoy the point of living on the farm, and in a way, it will be a little different than working and living in the city, and actually be more like living on the desteni farm in some way, and it is within this point that I feel like I am ‘hiding’ from responsibility. Also I see the point of that within committing to a point like this, one is taking a very definitive direction, meaning that, this is going to close off some doors that would have otherwise might have been open, so there is a point coming up also here of “what am I missing out on” a fear of missing out. A here again the fear of compromising myself by closing off certain specific doors that otherwise would have been there for the walking through. Fascinating that this point which is now nearly a page of writing and actually contains quite a bit, came up in a refraction of a moment, as an energetic point that emerged as an electrical current charge within me in a split second. It lasted less than one second, yet here it is now opened up and it is quite big I see, it is like the splitting of the atom and seeing the universe inside. So cool to open this point up here so I can direct this energy point of fear that I am still allowing within and as me. The main aspect of this fear I see is it is actually a fear of missing out on certain things. The fear pertaining to education, and or the point of Art. Where in if I go out onto this farm, I basically saying that, I am giving up art from the perspective that I originally discussed the point with Bernard before I left the farm. And I am also saying that I will not be doing education in the near future as a priority point but rather will be focusing on this point with the Working on the Horse ranch first. In writing this out, both of these points kind of make me nervous. The education point I see that I have this linked to ‘process success’ and the point of Art I see I have this linked to ‘breakthrough’ and ‘Self Enjoyment’ So within going to work on this horse ranch I see/feel as though I am compromising on this point of enjoyment. And taking art to a level of application where I had never been before. So the point of fear coming up is linked to these two points. I also see the point here of “letting myself down”. Will have to Do some Forgiveness on this Point.

Applying Self Forgiveness – Dependency

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to fear doing something in this world, anything in this world, that I do not know exactly how it will go. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not capable of possible of making effective decisions I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up ‘myself’ from the perspective of who I have created myself to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never “break through” and that every decision I make will only further enslave me as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a slave to myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply believe that there is something innately wrong with me, and thus fear being trapped with me as me, as I believe that I am not able to make effective decisions, or create a life that is enjoyable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving into a “new life” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trapping myself in my own deception. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the idea that “I am deceptive” power over me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of belief that I am not able to know who I am and actually see each point clearly when directing myself in my world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the point that I am less than others in my application, and will always be this way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want’ to be equal, which is actually just indicating that I have already accepted my inequality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need, want, and desire someone else to show the way, or explain what is up with me instead of embracing myself as self direction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with receiving assistance and support from another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if someone point something out to me that I am weak and that this is a confirmation of my weakness and their superiority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is always something innately wrong with the situation so am constantly existing within and experiencing myself from this perspective of believing that I am doing something wrong and that I must fix the situation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in how I direct myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to make decisions that support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the idea that we are all slaves, all lost, and not capable of standing up for what is equality and best for all. I forgive myself for not allowing me to apply myself in simplicity and actually looking self honestly at my situation and getting to know myself, so to create  a foundation of support and stability for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what see as having made a mistake. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be perfect in this process instead of just realizing that I am me within this process, and to not judge me for that. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to show others that I can do this, and how I can support myself and stand within equality, and in this missing the point of myself, of doing this process for me, and using myself as a reference point where in I develop self trust from the perspective of seeing to the core of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “create a problem” where there is none. I forgive myself for accepting defeat in something that I have not even walked yet, from the perspective of simply believing that “any decision I make will not be the right one” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must make the perfect decision every time and not make one single error. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to fear regretting not doing art. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will ultimately compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will ultimately compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in someone else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my trust in something outside of me instead of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in others outside of me instead of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience and what I will do according to who is involved, and within this place my trust and dependency on others instead of standing as the point of self trust and dependency where I am the source of myself, my self enjoyment, my self reliability and stability in all moments, in all situations, in all events, I am the point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to find myself in something outside of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, and that my experience will then be miserable because I will have not one to depend on to make my experience of myself better, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate and place my trust in another and others outside of myself. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and embrace the point of equality, where all beings and points are equal to myself and thus it will not matter who I am with or what I am doing, as within equality one simply stand stable, here, with no matter who, in all situations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire others to provide for me the experience I am looking for. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope to meet someone to provide for and give to me, a particular experience of enjoyment, and excitement and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility of myself actually doing this for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define other by according to how the look as a picture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire satisfaction within communication with another in through who they are as a picture, and thus look for communication with those who “fit a certain template” of a picture presentation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a picture, who only communication and interact with other pictures that look like me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a picture and within doing this limit myself within my world extensively be believing that my communication and or interaction with others will only “give my what I want” or “be enjoyable” with those who look like me or are similar to me as a picture of what I have accepted and allowed myself to represent as a picture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in self intimacy within communication/expression with others to only be able to do this if the other person fit into a specific ‘type’ of person instead of seeing myself within equality with all beings, and thus being able to interact and communicate in self intimacy with all beings equally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I am ‘intimate’ with another who does not ‘match’ my idea of my “personality type” than I am somehow diminished. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within a position of superiority over other beings. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to embrace the point of actually being able to be intimate in expression and communication with all beings equally not matter what they look like. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the point of equality within all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self intimate with all parts of myself, but hide in fear and shame with regards to some. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and go into shame with regards to who I have accepted myself to become, instead of forgiving myself and allowing myself to communicate equally to all parts of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face all parts of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto judgements of parts of myself.

Finding a Job that is Best for ALL – Writing Myself to Freedom – 2010/10/13

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So looking at my experience today. Words to Describe/Indicate Experience of myself/my world Eventful Intense Allot happening Anxiety Fun No foundation Packed Perplexed This was quite interesting today. I had just spent the last month here in Calgary, basically working on desteni stuff and kind of just getting myself re-oriented with how to “live in this world” and taking care of paperwork etc. In the meantime, was considering eventual points like getting a job, or education, and making money, and also getting to know myself within this process from the perspective of this being really the first time I have or am placed directly in the system. So here I was also investigating myself within this, and get to know what it means to stand in the system from my current vantage point. This last week I was quite busy looking for a job, and have been busy also since being here in Calgary with exploring the point of applying myself in such things as art, and considering this within the greater context of How I am going to and am currently placed within this world, and looking at how this support what is best for all. I am referring to the last week specifically because is was kind of a ‘drag’ so to speak. I experienced much resistance and was going more into points of distraction. Also the point of “what am I going to do with myself” was starting to become more and more pressurized to speak, and I was noticing that within myself there was more fears, concerns, worries, doubts, and an overall, anxiousness of what all was going to happen. Then there was about 3 days where everything just stopped. It was like no e-mails were coming in, and nothing was moving, like someone put a plug in the system or something, it was like very very quiet I guess you could say. This was my experience anyhow.  Then Last night, I started getting a flow of emails, it was quite an interesting observation actually where all of the sudden “things were now moving” I am not sure exactly what was going on here, but it was like, “the plug was pulled” and the system started moving again. Or like one cycle coming to a halt, and then all of the sudden another one beginning. So I’m wondering if anyone else had a similar experience, or this “movement” was only specific to me – it was quite an obvious observation so this is why I am noting it here. So in things now ‘moving’ again, or starting to come through I have found myself today quite engaged within requiring to move and direct certain points within my world. The point about a new job opened up which I went for an interview today, which will go into in more detail As well I am on my way in a few minutes to an interview about my art with a newspaper which came through last night as well And another point is a potential sale of one of my art pieces that went through over the internet which will require me to actually drive 8 hours to my home town to collect the work. So things here moving, after months of ‘nothing’ today quite busy, so it has been somewhat unexpected and am not yet seeing exactly how this all came to be in terms of the where and how I have created each one of these points in my reality. So because things have been previously moving at a slower pace, I find today, I am looking at “ok, how do I ground myself” Breath! This is the immediate point which come up so will apply this. Simplicity. Ok here I am going to go into specific detail about my experience in relation to “The Job Interview”. So I applied for this job at a horse ranch. When I first noticed the add, I thought “ok this could be interesting” I mean within the process of looking for a Job I found that due to not having recognized certificates in much of the things, I had to search through many jobs in order to find something that would fit so to speak. So when I came across the description of this add it in a way echoed or outlined much of the points I was taking on with Desteni while at the farm, and so from this perspective I saw that the qualification point was a pretty good match. Although I had not deliberately “thought up” this job, but rather after consideration decided ok I will apply, I mean, I will investigate and see what it all entails. I had not interviews yet in place in my job search so at this point was simply looking at different options. Particularly placing each point within me from the perspective of how it support me within my process of doing what is best for all, what is the skill development, timeline, where will it support what I do with desteni, and things like this. So this had been an interesting process as well to look at and consider each job from this perspective and now here take the opportunity to apply the equality equation as I consider each job, and what the eventual outflow of If I were to take on a particular job would be. So I applied and soon after had a reply back for an interview which I set up for today. I was a bit nervous about the point, due to “not being absolutely certain that I made the right choice” where points like “what if this is not the right thing” were coming up, or “what if I based this decision in self interest” etc.  So as I drove out to the meeting this morning I experienced an offness inside of me. Like “this is not going to work” I could see that many of these points were based on perceptions I had formed within my own mind of “what was going on there” and not actually based on actually real participation with the people there and/or seeing what exactly it entails. I applied self forgiveness on this point as I drove and simply utilized the breath as a point to keep me here instead of going into the experience of anxiety in my stomach, or up into my mind, thinking about all the things, it could be, or might lead to, or may not be. It was interesting because even when I arrived I experienced a doubt inside of me like “this is not going to work” One of my main concerns was that the people would be “totally mind fucked” or Hard Core Christians or something like this and that I would be like a virus in a way, and just cause a bunch of friction. So I simply had to walk through the nervousness that I was feeling and just go to the interview and basically not trust what I was experiencing towards the whole situation at this point because I had not actually really investigated what it all entailed and much of what i experienced was based on only 1 or 2 email exchanges and a fuck load of picture, ideas and concepts I had coming up in my mind. So I arrived there and was waiting for the person that was going to interview me to come by and give me a tour. It was quite cool to see the horses in the field as I drove in to park. Meanwhile points coming up like “this is crazy” “this is not going to work” basically because this job actually entail me to leave the city and actually live out on the farm so that I was “on-call” in a way. I mean this point in itself is actually pretty cool. I remember when I first came back into the city I was considering finding a place that was not directly in the city but ended up here where I am now living in the suburbs of the city of Calgary. From a certain perspective I see a point within me where I have accepted that “I am supposed to be in the city” and that if I go out to this Farm that “I am hiding” this was another point within the overall experience I was having of anxiety, where I was here in also believing that if I am not living in the “heart of it all”, like right in the city, that I am not really taking on the system so to speak and was actually trying to hide from myself. So will have to look at this point in common sense to see what the fuck is actually going on here in this point – where it is valid and where not. I can see the point of polarity here where I have defined the point within “either one or the other” like attempting to find the answer in the extremes instead of placing myself as the point that really matters. As I waited for the interview to begin, these two little dogs came towards me, I was in a way expecting them to start barking at me, but to my surprise they were very welcoming . I was still experiencing here that point of “feeling of place” because I was “not a cowboy” and had defined and created an idea/perception of who these people are or might be, and within this how they would view me based on my appearance. I see here the point of actually fearing a reaction where I had created in my mind the point where they would in a way “laugh at me” or “think less of me” or “diminish me”. When I finally met the girl that was doing the interview, I think we both in that moment were both facing our own preconceived image we had created in our mind about who each other is, and were busy now, trying to “get a gage” on who each other really is. In considering a job like this, I sure both of us are looking at “can I actually work with this person” Let me get into the job here more specifically about what it entailed which I learned through the Interview. The point was that I would initially start “part-time” where I would be getting trained to handle the responsibilities of the stable. Actually what I learned they were looking for is someone to eventually take over after 5 or 6 months when the initial manager there would be leaving where then I would take over as being the primary point there to care and look after ‘allot’ of horses, like she said there was something like 60 horses there at the moment, so shit, allot of horses. Where I would be responsible for making sure there basics were taken care of food, water, health etc...as well as tending to the basic maintenance of the farm. So I have before me quite a decision to make. From my perspective I am now seeing this point as a minimum of 2 years as a point which I would take on in my process. Could even go as long as 4 years. So this is quite a point here before me to now require to decide if this will support me in my process of doing what is best for all. What they do on the farm is breed and raise hunter/jumper horses, as well as board horses for others, so mentioned that there were horses being sold for like 100,000 dollars....that doesn’t sound right...anyways very very expensive.  Obviously here though that is irrelevant from the perspective of the animals are simply equal as life, and thus this be the foundation of how I go about caring for them. So basically this would be quite a responsibility I would be taking on. And will be an ‘investment’ of sorts “if I get the job” So there is a point of fear here in relation to making a decision like this, because this will play pretty influential role in the accumulation of myself so to speak. So in placing this within the equality equation I see that I would actually here have the opportunity to take on quite a responsibility which actually would be pretty cool. It will be allot of work, similar to how the functioning of things were on the Desteni Farm, where there was really no where to hide so to speak, but that one was always Here and ready to assist where ever required and it was no longer about, “wanting your space” and “wanting your time” so from this perspective the point is similar. The Location is about 20min from the city where I am not, so relatively  close but at the same time the Ranch is 200 acres. So after talking to the people there, they are simply looking for someone with common sense who is actually able to see that “ok” the horses require more food or water for example, apparently the person they have working th ere now is not doing this very well. So it was cool to actually chat with the people there, and actually after/within chatting I began to experience myself more comfortable, and was like seeing the point inside of myself that I could actually do this, I could actually work there. I still experience points of resistance with regards to it being a somewhat new place and people, like fear that there is “some point that I have not considered” that will only reveal once I commit kind of thing. Fuck – Note to self: “look at the point of where I hide things from myself, and keep points hidden so that one moment they jump out when its too late, instead of revealing all the points to myself and considering everything from the get go, like a deliberate deception instead of actually acknowledging all points” I will find out Saturday. They have more interviews to conduct so will see how things unfold, either way this experience so far has opened up some interesting points with regards to considering points within me world which are of “actual value” and placing myself within a point where I will develop real points which will support what is best for all in time to come. Still here I am seeing the point of apprehension in relation to this investment of myself into this point where in the end It actually is not a point that is recognized by the system, so from this perspective will am still not taking on the system in this way. This is one of the points which create unsettledness so to speak, like, am I willing to do this and in the end not have any certificate from the system. I mean at this stage as it is I would not be able to consider doing education until for a least a year, but still this point of “system recognition” come into consideration within this point.

Letting Go of the Past – Daily Writing – October 5th 2010

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October 5th Writing Out My Day. First point of reaction that I want to look at here is the reaction I had as I was browsing through Desteni Forums today.  As I was reading the posts I was reading this one post where Robert was inquiring about getting a volunteer visa. The Reaction I had when I first saw this started with a jealousy point coming up first in relation to Robert from the perspective of me being inferior towards other being in this process. This ‘kind’ of reaction within the point of inferior towards other being in this process has been quite allot. I have been noticing that I still react quite ‘strongly’ in relation to “other beings within this process” particularly those who are younger than me, and also those who will be visiting the farm in South Africa. Within this I see that I immediately go to a point of “believing, seeing, experiencing myself as if I “had my chance” or that “the cool part of my life is over” and that I now must go back to my ‘mundane’ existence of simply living out my life. Within this I see the point of actually having separated myself from the point of “having a cool/enjoyable life experience” where I have abdicated this point in this scenario to “the desteni farm” where in I am actually walking around holding onto this belief that “that was like the pinnacle of my life” and also that I myself am not capable of doing for myself the experience I had at the desteni farm. An interesting point – Its like an accepted and allowed idea or perception of myself as being incapable of providing for myself enjoyment, excitement, intrigue. Its like going to the arcade as a kid and holding back on using up all your quarters, because when your quarters are used up, your fun is over. So in a way I have placed myself in a point where I essentially, “have not more quarters” and there is nothing I can do about this. Its like  belief that I am not capable of providing for me that point of ‘coolness’ I will say, in terms of a ‘life that I actually enjoyed’ Also because of the people there. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” the idea that I am not capable of recreating for myself a ‘point’ within this world and my life that is equal to that which I experienced at the desteni farm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hold onto’ and ‘fear losing’ desteni from the perspective of it containing ‘points’ which I see myself as incapable of ‘expressing’ for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self value to desteni from  the perspective of believing that without desteni and specific points within desteni such as the portal, that Life would be “back to normal and boring” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on desteni and the portal for “life to be interesting” from the perspective of actually placing value in this point outside of myself where in I “don’t want that point to go away” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” points in separation from me from the perspective of giving them value instead of realizing and seeing value as myself here in every moment, where in I am the source to speak of “my experience” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hold onto anything out of fear of loss. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “get upset” because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of me and the enjoyment there-of is dependent on external forces, and that if I do not have access to those external forces or points than my life will never be fun, or enjoyable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement of  - I don’t want to be with just me – where in I am actually implying that I am not enough and that who I am as myself alone, is actually someone I “don’t want to be with” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger over the point of “being with me” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a shit experience for myself and never do anything to change that, where in I actually create a cool experience for myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take responsibility for me in creating my own world in self responsibility, but rather want someone else to do it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “not want” to stand up and create my own reality because then there would never be any surprises. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to entertain me while I sit and do nothing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this point abdicate my responsibility to another to “lift me up” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “place desteni” as that point which “lift me up” instead of me “lifting me up” so to speak. I forgive myself that I haven’t taken action within this world and reality to create a system that will actually make interaction expression in this reality cool and enjoyable for ALL. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of creating a scenario that I actually enjoy and that others enjoy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand back and let others create specific events and scenarios for beings to experience themselves within because I fear that I will create something that is not fun. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vulnerability in actually being able to facilitate a cool experience for myself and others in communication and interaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings depend on me, because I believe that I will simply let them down. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define creating a scenario, environment, or situation for myself and others to come together and interact as “not fun” because I actually fear communicating and interacting with others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my preprogramming to dominate me from the perspective of seeing myself as uncomfortable around other beings, and there in avoid expressing and interacting with others because of it being uncomfortable and awkward I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as life believing that I am unable to make a life for myself that works and that I enjoy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my expansion and learning to a point outside of me in and as desteni Bernard and the portal, instead of me expanding myself within such a way that I am intrigued and engaged by this self expansion as myself from the perspective of actually really enjoying each moment of my experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “miss” the farm, instead of simply letting the point go within seeing that it is cool to let the point go, and realize that I am not defined, or dependant on ‘the farm’ where in seeing that this ‘experience’ I have within this point is actually simply based on an energetic charge and a starting point of separation, and that rather, give myself the gift of me, through “letting  this point of the farm go” and standing HERE within my life, HERE in this moment with “no reaction to or towards the farm, but Me Standing as Myself where I realize that who I am is only dependant on myself as the source of me. I allow myself to let go of desteni. I allow myself to let go of desteni from the perspective of unconditionally letting this point go as this is simply who I was in the past. Yes it is very cool, though to expand this point, I simply ‘let it go’ and expand me. I stand here within the realization of to let this point of the desteni farm go, that I am actually allowing me to expand where in I am not accepting and allowing myself to place limits and boundaries on what is possible in this life, in this reality, this existence, but that I unconditionally let the past go and remain here as myself, walking this process to bring about practically, a world that is best for all. In by hanging onto the past I am not allowing myself to see myself as anything ‘more’ than what has already happened, I allow me to stand here equal to the desteni farm and all that i experienced where in by letting this point go unconditionally I make the statement to myself that I am equal to the point. So ya, basically I reacted to the point of seeing that Robert was going to the farm. In a way having a desire to once again go to the farm, although Interestingly enough I experience a resistance to the point of going to the farm as well. Where in I see myself in certain experiences I had there, where there were some tough points and experiences that I had to walk through and that I would rather not face these again. So that is the point of resistance coming up there. Another point that came up in relation to this point is believing that “if I had something useful to offer” I would maybe be in a different position. Like for example Robert is taking on the point of programming, as well as others which is quite a useful point with Desteni. So here I see the point of wanting to be practically valid in that which I ‘contribute’ so to speak to desteni. Like wanting to be an integral part. Like holding a key responsibility. But again I see that within this there is the dimension of simply wanting a “key point” so to “lock myself in” to desteni, as to never have to lose destei. Oh God...lololololololo, thats fucking funny. The Mind is a sneaky fucker. So this aspect of this point is not valid. However, acquiring or developing myself practically to take on a specific role within this process I see as still being valid. Though how I actually perceive myself within where I currently stand in this point, seems to contain a kind of manipulative view I will say, as in still I experience much doubt as to “my effectiveness” and “role” in terms of having the necessary preparation. I Guess the point Here to Consider is that this is not going to happen by itself. That it is not “meant to be” but that I will actually have to place myself within seeing common sensically where and how exactly, precisely to place myself so that I support the bringing forth of a new equal money system and a world that is best for all. I had a conversation today with a girl that lives here in the house I am living with. I quite enjoyed the conversation as I would say it is the furthest into depth I have went in terms of sharing my understanding of how things are currently going, and how this world is actually functioning and what points being should really be considering within this world – I also realized that within speak to others, instead of being alone in my room, I actually practically open myself up and become more effective at communicating and interaction with actual real beings. Anyhow it was a pretty cool experience because there are not allot of people one come across, or at least that I have come across that actually are willing to listen. It was fucking fascinating to see this being actually considering these points and seeing these points as common sense as I explained my perspective. Its like seeing myself in a way where in it is quite enjoyable to see a being consider for the first time a question or point that they had not before, where in I see me there considering that point for the first time, when it was first presented to me, and how interesting it was to consider such things, and how, my life changed from that point forward, it become funner, to live and be here on this earth, within considering such possibilities, almost like one goes “fuck I knew it” “ I knew there was something more” “I knew it” like a light goes on inside a being so to speak. So otherwise still facing this point daily of How exactly I am going to place myself within this process. Obviously money an ‘obstacle’. Interesting though I see the point of being kind of relieved that I “don’t have to consider the point of education at the moment” due to money. Or rather this consideration is something I can prepare for in the future, but do not have to directly face at the moment. So what is this point of relief? One point I see here is that I can avoid doing something that I do not want to do, and in a way, hold onto a point of hope that I can actually do something that is valid and relevant within this process. Also seeing that within the education that my participation with desteni would be less, or like “moving away from desteni” so again here seeing the point of ‘fear’ or the point of ‘holding onto desteni’ which is why I am ‘relieved’ that I do not have to consider education at the moment, which actually represent the point of “moving away from desteni” as I have placed it within me. In terms of education -  the points where I see I require education is politics and economics as these are points that I know very little about. Meanwhile I can begin Educating myself on these points. Goodnight.