Tag Archives: destni i process

Moving Through Self Doubt – Remaining Here and Sticking to the Physical

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I experienced some doubt coming up today. This ‘doubt’ I experienced was in relation to the current project I am working on with regards to doing Logo Design. I have started with making my own Logo and have enjoyed the process of this and have been working on this now for quite some time, probably over 60 hours so far over a period of around a month. I had/have it at a stage which I am satisfied I can start placing, but then when I opened the file today and looked at it, I judged it and was not satisfied anymore and experienced a drop within myself because I was so close to having this ready to go and start to be able to walk the next stage of the preparation phase which is to place an add on my local job listings site advertising the service at a discount rate from the perspective of simply attracting some projects where I can “gain experience” or rather “fine tune my process” as this sounds ‘safer’ to the client, and so yes place it as a “special Limited time offer”. But today when I looked again at my Logo I was not entirely satisfied and even considered another “re-design” which is like much time and effort and so I experienced this point of Self Doubt coming up, like “this is never going to work”. I experienced a point of failure as an energetic experience of failing in the centre of my solar plexus / chest and experienced myself giving up. Other points also emerged as I continued to research this point on the internet to see how I will place all the points, and so as I researched began to doubt myself around my experience level. So the correction Here is to stick to the physical. Ok so I have gotten to a stage where it is not going “as planned” based on my desire which is my energetic projection of how I want it to go, and because the actual physical movement and my energetic projection did not align I went into this experience of “Oh it will never work” though I see the Key is simply to remain HERE. And to just keep walking the physical points. Focusing on the physical direction of the point. I see that this is a cycle, and I am in the “low point” or the stage of the cycle where I would “give in” as going into a point of depression for a while and then eventually starting up with the point again. So rather not go into these cycles. These cycles can go and play themselves out if they want but I will be there. I will be Here directing myself in the physical, so it is irrelevant what energy does as the point is to remain Here. I fell on this point last time and had a little mini collapse and gave up. So cool to see that it is exactly the same point as before clarifying even further that it is in fact just an energetic cycle. So breath, remain Here and direct myself in the physical and do not pay attention to the experience of myself of “not being able to do it” of “doubting myself” I mean in practical common sense, I haven’t actually even tested the point yet so have no actual real feed-back that it is not going to work. But rather just having an experience of doubt. So yes I must stick to Here, and not go into positive or negative energy charges about what may or may not happen, because I see that the only real indication of how things are going must be measured in the physical and so will stick to this and continue to move the physical points as they are still here to be moved/directed.

Environment Changing me is Not Actual Change.

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I was looking at the point of what we as human beings require consequence to change. Or why we has beings, as individuals require consequence to change. Now the reason I place it this way as I have noticed this point within me where I rather than actually will myself to change my nature I rather let it play out until I hit a consequence which will then bring me to a point of actually making a ‘serious’ consideration to change my application, my participation, my nature, my behavior, myself. I place the work ‘serious’ in quotes because even though when there is a consequence I must face which then “push me” to consider change ‘seriously’ I see that I have/had not yet gone deep enough or taken this point seriously enough because what I find is that I don’t actually change. But “forget about it” until the con-sequence come around again and it is the same point over again. So no matter how hard I look or take seriously the point of change, I end up forgetting and back to the same ol’ patterns. And even saying to myself to watch out for forgetting because I have been through that before, yet end up forgetting. When I left the Desteni Farm I was a different person. And what I have found is that since being back in Canada I have really faced myself. Because now from a certain perspective I am in the “Matrix”, lol, that sounds so epic, lol. So Here is how the story goes. I create myself within and in relation to and along with my environment for 26 years. Then, I am taken from that environment and placed into a completely new environment on the Desteni Farm. Then I start to apparently change which is all fine and cool, and I spend two years in this new environment and experience myself differently in that for this two years I participate within the world not like I had previously. Ok cool so now there is some “change occurring”. Then take me out of this new environment and place me back in my old environment and what do you suppose happens. I go back to how I was living before – So what does this show me. That I in fact had not changed. From a certain perspective there was a process of change occurring but within looking at the point I see that this was more of an external change where I was more changing in response to my environment as a kind of from the outside moving inward kind of change. So when the Environment changes then I change, seeing as how the “Change” I experienced on the Desteni Farm was largely from the outside in. I mean if would have taken a point on from the very centre core of myself and changed, more from the perspective of changing me from the very starting point of me...well not “from the perspective of” but rather had actually in fact gotten to the very beginning of me then it would not matter where you place me, and what environment I am in as the change that would be occurring would be from the inside out, and thus the change would be actually be a Self Change. So in many ways this is the point I am seeing with regards to how I have attempted change and that no matter how serious I am about it that I always end up forgetting, as the change is more of an idea and the one Key Factor I see that I am missing is Knowing who I am and actually living and existing as myself here within breath. Because if I am Not Here, then how is change supposed to happen if I am no where to be found, how then am I supposed to change. So from a certain perspective the point I am busy with now is not “changing” per se but rather ‘getting to self’ and being here with self, living and walking that self in every breath, so I can actually walk a point of change. And all it takes is one second and one moment to flee, to abandon myself and off into the mind, and actually not even realize it. I noticed even today I was not Here, yet I was almost Here – lol. Because when I am Here, I know it, but today there exist within me this “point off in the distance” like “what is that” and so I go just looking out over there, just trying to see what it is out there, and in this slight diversion I miss ME all day. So specific.

Investigating What it Means to Be Here and to Be Self Present.

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So I was looking at this point of “slowing down” today. Also the point of how I only have so much ‘tolerance’ to do certain tasks for only so long and then eventually I have to take a break. I have been noticing that my attention span is quite short in that I often “take breaks” and work in “bursts of energy”. What I understand, and am working on correcting is not to apply myself within ‘energy’ which is clearly being indicated that I am doing, seen within requiring to take frequent breaks or only having so much ‘tolerance’ or ‘focus’ to perform a task. Instead of rather applying myself within a point of constancy and consistency where I remain stable and consistent in ones application so I do not crash, or run out of energy or existing within jumping back and forth between the two polarities of getting lots and lots done and then going to the opposite polarity and get absolutely nothing done. Rather I am exploring this point of Consistency as to direct myself into and as an application that Stands, and that doesn’t crash every few days, as so far this has been the case. I have always considered myself to be disciplined which to me meant being able to “get tasks done” and not giving into laziness. Though at the moment this “way that I have always considered myself” is not coming through, but rather only existing as a hope at the moment instead of a living application. So one aspect within exploring this point of how to direct and apply myself in my world so I stop ending up in the “crash” is the aspect of slowing down. So what do I mean exactly by slowing down. One dimension of this is “not rushing” interesting I have written about this point quite a bit and yet here I am again writing out the point again. I find this point of slowing down to be one of the coolest points of my process actually because of the moments where in I do actually apply myself within this point of slowing down, and how I see the absolute power that exist within this point of slowing down and remaining here. It is a point of Self Presence where one is Completely Here in what one is doing, and so for myself have found this to be a point or thee point which I see would really support me within my world, within this reality, and within process. I also see that I have gauged my day where in there is only so much possible within a day, and that from a certain perspective I see that I attempt to do waaayyyy to much, and then there is this “holding my breath” that takes place as I move through my day not wanting anything to interrupt me or get in my way because if I step of track for even one second then I won’t be able to get everything done – I see that this is not Self Presence and Self Here and that this is not supporting me to become effective in my day. So I require to direct myself in such a way that I have ample time to direct each point as if comes up and remain effective and “up to date” within the system where the bills are paid and I am feeding myself properly and things like this. I remember in art school and when I used to make lots of art work that I would eat not very much. And that today as well at the end of the night I was starting to feel hungry and realized that I was in fact neglecting this food point and not effectively feeding myself because it just takes to much time and I am attempting to “save time” by not eating as much or by eating out. So Even Here I see this as a problem and that I should not be within such an application where I am trying to “Save time” as this is indicating that I am behind and within an application of energy instead of just being here within breath.

What I actually See about an Equal Money System.

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How will an Equal Money System Benefit all of Humanity Equally. I am going to investigate here how an equal money system is in fact and will in fact support ALL beings on earth equally and is not one of those systems that is only attempting to “lessen the gap” between the rich and the poor and not actually taking on the point of "in fact" bringing all to an equal position in this world. An equal money system is based on an the principle of equality and what is best for all. And only those involved know within themselves whether or not they are in fact standing as this principle. I know for myself that I Stand as This Principle from this perspective – I see within myself that the common sense direction to take within this world is to bring forth equality for all. As that is fair. And that it is not acceptable for any beings to suffer while others live in wealth and comfort. Glaringly so with regards to the current world situation and how the suffering of many in this world is in a way “out of their hands” like being born into poverty or a situation where they do not have equal support as others and because of this have a more difficult life in this reality. This should not exist. I see within myself that I do not want to deliberately harm another and that in fact I would rather have all beings living a cool life, and that for example it would be cool if for example a starving dog in the world could live as I live, meaning have basic survival aspects of life in place so that they to can exist equal to humans within this world where we no longer control animals as pets but live in equality with them and realize that they are beings and have just as much to ‘offer’ and as we do. I see that I still have allot to learn with regards to how to establish an equal money system and also how to live in this world in a way that is best for all. But I also see within myself that I have no intentions to harm another or abuse or secretly deceive another but that I am in fact interested in bringing forth a world that is fair so that all have the equal opportunity to experience enjoyment within their experience of themselves on this earth. And have equal Support as money and resources which create a stable foundation for each one to live and enjoy themselves on this planet. This is what is being Proposed in the Equal Money System. It is not just some system that will try and fix and mend the current system. Nope. It is a New System We should not be afraid to try new things, and to let go of stuff that is not working but is further fucking up this world. I mean Japan is close to being a ‘Quadrillion’ dollars in debt. All that is talked about today is the increasing debts of the countries. I mean how is it even possible for the entire world to be in debt? And this is the system that we are trying to keep in place? The foundational all encompassing System of the world is capitalism and profit. The entire world play by these rules. I mean a browse through the morning newspaper should be enough to see how our current world system is actually NOT WORKING. The News Paper does not bring the News. It is simply an Outflow of the current money system to ensure the flow of money and to keep the current system in in place. It is filled with advertisements to generate money - Every add in the paper is for money only - There is not one that is unconditionally within the consideration of support life actually. The Equal Money System as being proposed by desteni is the most comprehensive solution that I have found. And its cool because it is not in any way just trying to hold onto or fix the current system. Which is basically what I see with every other ‘proposed solution’ that I have come across. I cannot convince anyone to be a part of the equal money system development and proposal. Though If I had the power to I would “place it” meaning I see no reason not to. I see no risk (I am not willing to face) in doing so, I see no reason to continue hanging onto this current system and am willing to test out other options, Immediately, as it is becoming more and more clear to me that the system we use to govern our world at the moment is just fucking this planet up and people are fucked up within it. Ok its time to try something new. Obviously. So suggest to investigate www.equalmoney.org and also the “desteni I process” at www.desteniiprocess.com As this is the platform through which we will be bringing forth this new direction of man. And support ourselves to really start to investigate ourselves and how to bring forth a practical solution that is equal and best for all. I don’t think its necessary to have to keep animals locked up in cages. I think they would rather live without fences around them. And so an equal money system is a practical placement which will support the bringing forth of a world where all beings have food in their bellies and are full and satisfied, and have shelter and basic support and equal access to education, transportation, etc... actual Equal Human Rights. www.equalmoney.org www.desteniiprocess.com

The Manly Man – Self Investigation

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So a point that has come up within investigating “job opportunities” is the definition one ‘receives’ within working a particular kind of job within the world. Now I have been investigating the option of doing graphic design work, because I have the basic foundation to be able to provide this service. Though I have not yet been able to “find the point” within me to really commit to the point from the perspective of “feeling Here” within the point, and stable and satisfied at this direction. So I have been investigating what is going on here, and why I have not yet been able to find a stable starting point within this, and so looking at “Ok what is up here” One point that has come up is related to a point of self definition of self in relation to how I perceive and believe and define a “Man” in this world to be, and what "A Man" does, and how a "Man" acts. And how within taking on a point such as graphic design that I would not be able to fulfill this ‘aspect’ of myself, to be "A Man" to experience me as "A Man". Like for example the “Men” of this reality that are practical and work with their hands and can be relied on and trusted and who are stable and Big and Strong and Manly and Effective within their world, and drive a big strong truck and are real manly worker type men but also strong in business and make money and are stable support in there reality. Like the type of Man that builds a house or Runs their own business. So when I look at graphic design, I do not see this aspect of "A Manly Man" within it. What I see is a man or person who is artsy, who is a pushover, who is weak, who is flimsy, and not stable or practical. Fuck interesting definition I have given to the type of person who does graphic design. So I have identified this point which I am getting into now as one of the reasons why I simply have not been able to place myself in the graphic design point. Because I would not be able to fulfill that point which I am experiencing myself as ‘lacking’ which would be the first point described as the typical worker practical stable Man. When I was on the farm I would experience me as being quite Manly when I was working with Manly tools like hammers and saws and cutting boards and drilling stuff together and lifting heavy things, and mixing cement and digging in the earth – This fulfilled my Manly Definition and so I experienced a point of satisfaction within myself within fulfilling this point. As I was the stable practical man worker. Though at the same time thus was not the entire picture, as at times I felt like I was abandoning my “creative side” like writing and art and information processing. So from a certain perspective perhaps a point of fulfillment will not be had unless I can find a point which satisfy both of these “sides of self” Now Also I see that, in fact, these are Definitions given through society and defined within ones mind in terms of who one has accepted and allowed oneself to be. Is it really necessary to “work a manly job” to fulfill this self definition point or aspect of self which I perceive/experience myself as lacking or not having fulfilled at the moment, or not being encompassed within the point of doing for example graphic design. Within the context of process and stopping the mind these aspects of self are based in the mind and thus “not real” from a certain perspective. From Here I see the point in actually looking at this ‘definition’ or ‘aspect’ of self which I have defined as “Manly” for instance and looking at how I have separated myself from this part of me and investigate how to “bring these points back to self” And investigate why I am seeing or believing that to fulfill these points I must “stand at” that point within this world which is defined as “Manly”, and seen by the world as Manly, And is this the only way to ‘amalgamate’ this point into and as myself. Also to investigate the definition I have placed within graphic design. So I require to re-look at my definition of Strength also because I am seeing that I have allowed myself to place the point of “strength” into this definition I have described as the “manly man” and that this is what strength is, and so attempt to satisfy my definition of strength by “becoming this point” I find it odd that I only experience myself as being satisfied and strong and stable and effective if I do ‘those acts’ that create this experience of self. And how within doing something like "graphic design" that point of strength is simply not there. Like for instance doing Snow Removal satisfy some of the elements of this point within me. Its like the point of “wanting to feel like a man” and experience me as worthy within this and strong, like a tree. Though being completely linked to definitions of gender and roles within society and personalities. Fuck. Ok so will continue to investigate this point. Lol - Interesting the Greek Meaning for the Name ANDREW is MANLY

Experiences in Relation to Money – and figuring out “whats allot”

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Hello, it has been an ‘interesting’ week. Facing the point of money and the point of standing-up within the system, standing in the system as a participant of the system. “playing the game” from a certain perspective as “the game” is money. That is the main game, to get money. All jobs that exist, exist in relation to money, some you get more and some you get less, and so have been seeing this point as well from the perspective of “who I am” or have accepted and myself to be in relation to money, this coming up in relation to the point of “setting prices” for customers to do snow removal. Today I got a call to do a “one time removal” where I simply go once and remove snow for a customer. I listed a price but explained also in the e-mail that it would be a “bit more” because the described job was a bit bigger. When I arrived I assessed the job and decided to “meet somewhere in the middle” in between the listing price and the price I quoted, although at the end, I was given more than the quite price as the customer perceived the job that I was doing as being “hard work” and so gave me more money that what I was asking. Within this experience I saw a point with regards to how I exist in relation to money, meaning I ‘perceived’, ‘expected’, ‘assumed’ “how the person would react or respond” to the particular price I gave and also “how they would react respond” if I gave a price that was “too expensive” though this point of something being “too expensive” has been/is entirely ‘created’ by me in terms of my relationship with money, who I am in terms of how I have existed and experienced the point of money in my past. In this scenario above I realized that “allot of money” as defined by me, might actually be “not that much money” in relation to how another perceive money, as “the customer” actually gave me more than what I initially asked for – Though this was done from guilt...which is fine by me. Perhaps I should use the point of guilt a little more to get more money...lol. So before I get into that, I wanted to note that, A picture of my father came up within me, when I realized the point that “my definition, of “allot of money” and what I perceive or view allot of money to be, may actually be not very much at all. Seeing this as the customer easily handed me more than I asked for, in a way “in opposition” to what I had created or expected to happen in my mind if I were to ask for too much. Thus the picture of my father, who I have many experiences of have “reactions of anger” in relation to money, and or providing the example for me of “what is expensive” and “what is not” and what is “allot of money” and showing me and imprinting me with memories and experiences of seeing him react in anger and frustration and fear in relation to money, and there in now supporting/making up my relationship and view of money. I have noticed the point this week also of myself doing much “looking at” the point of “how to get more money” within this endeavour, meaning, even tonight as I was shovelling the customers driveway I was assessing Did I quite the right price, should it have been a little higher, Should it have been allot higher What can I get away with. So at the moment investigating how money function and move within this world, through my most recent endeavour of deciding to start a snow removal business as a way to generate income. I actually have been enjoying the point very much and have been quite busy this last week putting everything together. What I find interesting about this whole point of how much of it came together in only a weeks time, where in I have spent many hours “promoting my art” online and the movement with regards to that has been very slow, and now I place only 1 single add within a week have been able to set up a business primarily around that one add. The add Has a Snowman on it and reads SNOWMAN FOR HIRE, also the snowman is smiling and looks friendly, so am wondering what specifically about the ‘add’ is triggering people to call. I mean it is around Christmas time, so the image of a snowman may have more of a trigger point to it at the moment. Another point I have noticed within me is the point of ego. This comes up as a personality type which I access as the “businessman entrepreneur”. So interesting I see that in moments as I walk, this “personality type” will trigger/activate, and I will start moving differently, and seeing myself differently, and then my whole demeanour changes. Its like “me trying to walk as this personality type” and “trying to be this personality type” like how I see it in my mind. Overall though I have enjoyed the point of taking this on and starting to generate some money, Fuck, I noticed another fascinating point – money actually makes me feel warm inside. I noticed that when I get money, or agree to a contract, I experience myself as warm inside, specifically in relation to the point of money. And if I look at the point of having no money, there is an emptiness, and coldness, like money is comfort. So interesting to see this point of money making me experience myself as being warm. A practical support point that I have been using is the point of “Reflection” as this word came up in a tarot reading last week, and again repeating today as the central point . Interesting because when the word came last week, I saw a cool point and immediately applied it to support me within my world at the moment – that being : Place everything in front of me. Meaning, put things where I can see them, and start to place everything out in the open so that I can see it, so this is a point of reflecting me back to me, and placing everything out in front of me so I can see it. Like turning my world inside out so I can see the insides. So I have one of those white boards, and immediately began placing important dates, and phone numbers and daily activities on the board so that I can see me, so that I reflect me back to me all around me so that I can see everything. I also started pining important papers on the wall and organizing more ‘important’ numbers and points and so forth in writing, instead of just keeping stuff in my head, and so have been utilising this point of “Reflection” to assist and support me in world, and so was interesting to see again this word come up bout an hour ago in a reading I did before I starting writing this.

Responsibility and Obligation coming through in DREAMS about Quiting my Job.

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I am going to write about a dream I had last night. I haven’t yet been ‘through’ this dream in detail, so will see what comes up here. This is in relation to my experience over the last two months with regards to the job I held at a “Horse Ranch” which I simply could no longer support from the perspective of the “point of abuse” I experienced in relation to my position or role in the system they had going there to keep everything moving as well as how “I was being considered” from the perspective of “what I was responsible for and how much money I was being paid to do it” So I decided to no more continue with the job and go back to finding myself another job. I sent an e-mail last Monday making it clear on my position and that I would no longer be continuing work there. Though last night at about 8:00pm I received an e-mail asking me to work the next day. I was not pleased as I had already let this point go, and this e-mail showed either a continuation of the manipulation I observed going on before, or that they simply never received the e-mail. I at first felt ‘obligated’ to work the next day as if I am the one who was responsible for the situation and that I must work, as it is my responsibility to see that all communication is clear, understood, and clarified which it obviously was not as something was missed. I e-mailed explaining that I had already sent an e-mail, I then re-explained my position and asked them to confirm that they did indeed receive this mail by sending me a return mail. I received nothing and by that time it was already around midnight so did not want to phone. So I looked at the point and decided that I would not go. Though I felt extremely guilty, I decided that in this case it is there responsibility as well to ensure their system is running, where in fact here they were not specific within communication waiting until the very last minute to contact me, and thus I help my initial point of deciding to no more support “the system I found myself in while working there” I wondered if I was even going to able to sleep because of the experience I was having inside my self of the obligation I felt to work for them to no leave me hanging, though not considering my own standing on the point and not allowing guilt to influence the decision. The next morning I after I woke up which I deliberately slept in so that I would not have to face the point if I were to wake-up early, so I slept in, as well the night before watching movies as an attempt to distract myself from this situation. Seeing now the importance of ensuring ones communication is always clear, direct and received, otherwise if one leave points hanging one end up in experiences like the one I experience last night, as well as which come through in my dreams as I slept. The Dreams as follows. There were three scenarios. Each one the same from the perspective of “morning arriving” and me showing up ‘late’ to the farm to see if someone had “taken responsibility” for where I saw myself as having “left them hanging” so experienced much guilt. In each of the scenarios I was actually living on the farm, so basically was right there and able to work, though in real life, it is an hour drive out to the farm, and at the moment my vehicle has a spare so did not want to minimize the driving. So in the dream I approached the barn, and began to peer my head around the corner to see if anyone was in the barn, I experienced allot of nervousness. In the first dream there was someone sweeping the barn. So they had found someone to give direction to the point, I experienced a sense of relieve. It was a women/girl and I walked into Barn I bit hesitant that I would be “looked down upon” or “get in trouble” or “seen as irresponsible” as I approached the girl she had no reaction what so ever. And was actually quite friendly. She actually was a bit new at the job so I offered to assist now that I was there in. So we both worked together to direct the animals and duties and I experienced a point of flow, no friction or animosity or resentment. The second dream was the same in how it started, and it was a girl there tending to the duties that i had perceived myself to have “left hanging” and now had to face. Only this time it was the girl that usually works there, I said hello, and she said hello as she was sweeping the floor then suddenly you could hear anger and resentment coming through in her voice as she began to attack me. This was actually the reaction that I feared inside myself upon approaching. And this is one of the points that in real life I observed within this girl, this point of anger, resentment sitting there below the surface waiting get out, waiting for someone to take it out on, and obviously was in by continuing to work there setting myself up to be that person. A point at which her father was already utilizing within communication with me, showing absolute enslavement to his own inner frustrations, blame, and anger, and taking them out on me because “I worked there” Within this entire experience a point that is now coming through is that I must trust myself in these things I see “under the surface” and not simply ignore them. Also in the dream there was the other guy, Ricardo who worked on the farm and he came walking around the corner and I felt guilty. He represents that point of Responsibility, and always “doing the right thing” So I did not want to look him in the eye because in a way by me not showing up meant that he would have to take up the extra slack, and that he was already overworked. So it was quite a dream / experience. I was ‘startled’ in the morning of how I received an e-mail of no more than two sentences basically saying “ok, sorry I missed your e-mail, good luck in the future” something along those lines, which the event in itself lasted all of 30 seconds and that was it. There was not some “big explosion reaction consequence” that I was expecting or feared to have happen. So seeing here how I completely went into the mind on this point specifically linked here into the point of “Obligation” and “Responsibility” being the two primary points I am seeing that I am looking at here. Other than that, I sent out two Job applications today One to a Dog Walking Company And One two a “water filtration company” looking for a part-time graphic designer. In terms of the Dog Walking, well for both of these jobs for that matter, I am going to take my time. Meaning not simply jump at anything that comes up, but get to know the people individuals I will be working with and ensure that I can actually walk the established time frames with these beings. And not ignore any “red flags” that come up. Like for example a company offering Dog “obedience” – I mean what the fuck – lol but also “walk the point” meaning actually discuss these points with the company to see if my ‘perceptions’ remain or if they were actually just points I created in my mind without any real reference point. Though I mean at the desteni farm and from my perspective you create an environment for your animal so that they can simply live here in support on this earth as well. Its not about making a Dog Obedient, as your slave, thats fucked up Ego Shit. I mean calling your Dog is straight forward, and developing communication with your Dog cool, but anyways that word ‘obedience’ triggers a “master/slave” point inside of me. Otherwise, I am still here. In my world, and am busy looking for work and jobs to earn money for myself. And actually start generating money so I can actually move in this world, instead of always making just enough so that I can survive and break even every month.