Tag Archives: art

2012: My Art Studio Process – Day 3 : There is no Secret Ingredient

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I am continuing with my Art Studio Process Blogs where by I am writing on my experiences and points that come up in relation to my process of working in my Art Studio this month. So far since being back in a studio for the past 3 days it has been interesting to see different points coming up again that used to be a part of me/my experience in the past as I participated within this whole Art Point and being “The Artist” and playing this entire role. Because that is just it, “The Artist” is actually a kind of Personality that one construct and participate in. A suit that one put on, an ‘idea’ that one “take on” as oneself and live the entire ‘role’ of “The-Artist”. Yet it is not in fact real, Particularly within the context of who one is really existing as, and what really goes on inside self. When one look at what actually goes on inside one’s mind, it is far from the idea one creates about oneself as “The Artist” or any other Personality that one live out. Sex, Money, Competition, winning, Survival, jealousy, do I look good in these clothes... This is who people actually are and no matter what personality you project and act out, We are all the same, Walking Egos only concerned about ourselves, concerned about surviving, Not seeing and not caring about the millions dying around us everyday. Our personality software does not included in its programming anything to do with the people that die daily of starvation...unless you are walking some saviour philanthropist personality -  thus these apparent unique personalities we have are really quite delusion when one realize that we are all just concerned with the same Self Interested shit as everyone else and if one is self honest would realize that “greatness” cannot exist within a world where so much Suffering and Abuse gets completely ignored. “The Artist” is not real. Being/living the Artist is simply another way to separate ourselves from each other trying to become something more, something exalted. I see this as trying to superimpose value onto yourself without actually living self value. It is like a short cut. We take on these personality suits as a way to create a fictional perception of value instead of actually valuing ourselves though honouring life and ourselves in fact by walking/living what is best for all in every moment. If we actually value ourselves we would not require to try and build ourselves up all the time by creating special ideas about ourselves as being some superhero with special abilities. I even seen this point come up today as I painted and I noticed myself starting to generate this idea about myself and about my art being unique and special...Though when I really stand back, it is just a picture depicting some stuff hanging on a wall, nothing miraculous like is so easily able to be perceived. This is a point that I trapped myself within previously as I walked the whole art point. I projected “special value” onto art I saw. I remember going to Italy and looking at the Art Works by the Master Artists and I was in search for that magical special ingredient that I believed actually existed and is what made a masterpiece a masterpiece. I had a similar experience to this when I tried out meditation and would sit and close my eyes and trying to relax ....like the spiritual guru who stresses himself out because they really really want to be relaxed and zen like. Though Humanity is really good in believing in shit that is not there – This may be an indication of how we are able to continue living day in and day out believing that “everything is ok” meanwhile the world and our lives are all falling apart around us.   I have realized that  there is no special meaning or value or ingredient that makes a masterpiece. It is literally just pictures on walls which we have attached special value to but that obviously is not special as how can specialness exist in a world where we watch human beings starve to death on the television and then switch to see who’s on the red carpet and seeing the score on the game. And so the same with the Art that I make. The point is not to create and project some special value onto it that is not really there. That is delusional, that is Ego. Or to, through the Art, by projecting special meaning onto it, create an idea about myself as being unique and special. I am me. I am who I really am, I am what really goes on inside me. The truth of me, the real me that exist underneath all the beliefs I have about myself. Thus the point is to not create ideas about myself but get to that real stuff of who I am exiting as and work with that. That real shit that we ALL are, no different from one another.   So yes, I noticed this point of me going into this point of projecting special value onto the art I have been making where I perceive it to be something special. Like the singers who go to audition for American Idol or some show like that and they believe that they are good at singing but when they get to the audition, it turns out that they are actually not able sing, (from a technical perspective) yet they themselves believed they were great at singing? At least that is what I was seeing when I would watch some of those auditions – Though in relation to what I am doing with the art – The point is to not project onto the art something that is not there at all, and in this keep it practical and keep it physical. A painting is not going to magically save the world. Unless of course you believe in Ascension and 2012 and being saved by some miracle, then you might still believe in the whole art thing, that “Art” actually really exist, when “Art” is in fact “Ego” as it is just an idea of values and meanings created and projected onto stuff. www.desteni.org www.eqafe.com

2012: My Art Studio Process – Day 2

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  So I went again to my Studio to work on some paintings. To recap; I arranged to rent/share a studio space with a friend of mine so that I could make some paintings for an Art Fair coming up in 15 days. Yesterday was my first day in the studio and I basically did allot of prep work and getting everything set up and ready to paint. So today I went back again to continue working. I have a few ‘ideas’ that I’d like to get done before the Art Fair but I will just have to take it one day at a time. Since I found out that I would have a studio I started keeping track of the ideas that come by placing them in my sketch book. I have never really done this before. It is quite cool to be moving this point again. It has been soooooooo long. One main difference this time around is related to my participation with the Desteni Process. So my ‘approach’ is different. Last time I had a studio and was making paintings I was completely trapped in the ego and competition and for that matter, actually believed in the Idea of ‘Art’ – lol. Art is just an idea, meaning – It is not real. Yes pictures and paintings and sculptures are real. It is the specialness and uniqueness and value that we project onto them that is not real. In art school everyone was trying to be “the next big thing” For me it was about chasing and pursuing the point of painting a masterpiece, though I had completely externalized and separated this point from myself and believed that to do such a thing would require some miraculous magical ascension of sorts – I was chasing after that magical point. Trying to find it, searching relentlessly for it, believing that there was some kind of Key that would unlock everything, (Kind of like how Politicians Promote themselves as being the ones to come a fix everything) . It was like I was racing after the treasure, wanting to get to it first. For me this treasure was this idea that I could paint a masterpiece and that to do this I would have exalted myself beyond the mear abilities of man and somehow transformed myself into something godly and superior and that my life and my experience of myself would forever be happy and wonderful and meaningful. So it has been cool to have the opportunity to do some painting again. It is much more stable when I am not in a panic to become something. Or chase down and find that magic solution that will fix everything. Thus I see here the point with my Art is the same with my process with myself in that it simply requires consistent application and attention and thus will develop, equal and one to this. In my past with Art I was trying to become something great, This time around the point is Equality. To simply assist and support myself in All ways possible to walk my process of transforming myself from a walking Ego only interested in Myself into a being that honour and respect life and stand Equal and One to all that is Here as Life. It is not about being “better than”. It is about utilizing the tool of Art to support myself within my process of equalizing myself. And this is actually a cool point that I am seeing as I begin with this process of making paintings again. The point of how I can in fact use Art to assist and support myself with my process of Self Transformation. One point that is quite clear at this stage is that my Art is always a reflection of Me. Thus it isn’t really about the Art per se, meaning, I cannot just try to make a ‘better’ painting. Before it was all about making the greatest painting, but I did not understand what this actually entailed. I did not understand the process of Self Correction or what I have learned within walking with desteni the past years. I see now that the point is always self, meaning, I am not really working on paintings per-se, I am working on myself, and the painting is simply a reflection of who I am. Thus the point is to support self to stop the ego, and actually get to know and become aware of myself actually. And so push this point of “becoming real” so to speak.  

The Way Of The Destonian

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I went and voted today in our Canadian Election. I had some resistance to doing this simply out of laziness, and I could see I had no real reason to not go. I had some back-chat excuses that came up, like “It is pointless” or “ it doesn’t matter anyways” or “its to late anyways” or “you don’t have the right ID” But With the Tools that I have now been developing / applying within the "Desteni I Process" I could see that I was resisting and simply attempting to come up with some excuse to justify me not going, which was not acceptable and thus I did not accept such excuses and pushed myself to go. This has been a cool point with the Desteni I Process, where in, within participating with DIP, one actually start to become more aware of themselves and how they are actually creating their reality, and thus stop accepting and allowing themselves to essentially just be slaves to their thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather start becoming more directive and effective within their world. Particularly how we as human beings exist as and consist of primarily Excuses and Justifications, and that this has become our way of being, and so with Desteni I Process one actually start to take on this beingness of self and begin the process of developing self that Stand Up For Life and stop the excuses and start taking Responsibility for themselves, this earth, and what is here. I went over with my roommate and we both voted. As we walked into the school where we were to vote there were some kids there making some comments with regards to us being there voting, like “thanks for voting” and cheering and things, lol. Its funny, voting is considered the “right thing to do”, like if you vote, than you are good and responsible, and if you do not vote than you are bad and an outcast. The Kids thanking us for voting obviously had no idea what voting is actually about and were basically just saying that stuff because they believed that if they did, they would get approval of some kind or that they were doing "the right thing". Its sad that we are programming children this way, to speak and act in ways that they do not understand, but are only trained to believe, with no background as to why it is that way. They are trained to simply accept something as right because their parents or some adult says, “that is right and that is wrong” without actually giving the child the understanding as the actual specific workings, details and context of why something is right or wrong. It is simply – “that is right and that is wrong, and do not question me”. And in this we DESTROY Life and DESTROY Children. This world is such a mess. Voting is such a mess. Why not just teach every individual on earth how the earth actually works and bring everyone to the same understanding so that it is absolutely clear to all individuals what is required to be done to ensure the effective management of this earth in terms of what is best for all. In this we would not have to endure the election process where you simply have world leaders attempting to convince individuals that they have the best answer though within all of this - The Entire Picture is never seen nor understood. Its all about 'maybes' and 'what if's', 'opinions' Politicians along with everyone else have come to such a complacent acceptance of this world and the way it is and no more see how ABSURD it actually is. Like for example having locks on your car door so that nothing gets stolen. This is so common, to have locks on your car door. So that we can lock the car at night or when we go into the store so we do not get robbed. This is strange. There should be no reason for Locks. Human Begins should actually walk/live in self respect and dignity and treat all other humans with dignity as they themselves would want to be treated. At the moment locks on your car door is simply accepted by everyone and no one seems to notice what this is implying – Everyone Still existing within a “that’s just the way it is” mind-set, so much so that they will argue for this and not consider it possible to live in a world where such seemingly normal things a locks and locking your car door is not necessary because each being on earth would actually honor one another, and not need or require to steal anything. Most people are this way and are quick to say – Its not possible to create such a world, where humans no longer steal and cheat and lie. There is however a group that simply does not accept such limitations. There is a group that SEE that for example we should not have to lock are doors at night, that it is actually possible to bring forth a world without war, poverty, a group who are not accepting the limitation that “its just human nature and there is nothing that can be done” I stand with this group, as I see that I cannot stand with such a world that accept such atrocious acts and ways of living to be “just how it is” Utter Bull-shit this is. This Group is Desteni, and I stand with this group because I much prefer to stand with beings who push for self respect, dignity and a world that is Best for ALL. One aspect I enjoy about participating with Destonians is I do not have to manipulate anyone when I speak to them or deal with them trying to deceive and manipulate me, to get an fix or energy as an energetic high to fuel their ego. These EGO EXCHANGES are much less within the Destonian Community and I find this allows for myself to be able to actually breath and relax and enjoy my experience. There literally is a Kindness that comes through with the desteni group, A kindness that is extremely rare in this world. And I am not talking about “people who are nice to you” I am talking about people who understand themselves and their experience of self in such a way where they are not constantly projecting their inner suppressed anger, frustrations and bull-shit onto you. I mean you can be as nice as you want but behind this be actually having nasty thoughts about the person and blaming the person for all sorts of stuff. This is really not cool and I find this is how this world exit. At desteni Each one is willing to take responsibility for themselves to the utmost degree and take responsibility for each thought that come up and all that is going on inside themselves. Because of this I don’t have to constantly be on the look out for beings projecting their shit onto me or another or blaming me or another, because Destonians are actually standing up and taking responsibility for themselves, where in fact I have found literally no one in this world that does this or is even aware of the point of taking absolute self responsibility for themselves and what goes on inside themselves. I am not saying that it never happens, because this is a process, though it is definitely a relief to be interacting with beings that are aware of this point of taking absolute self responsibility for everything of themselves and essentially all that is HERE. I mean this is fucking cool shit, participating with Beings that are Willing to Take Absolute FULL Responsibility for ALL that is Here, for all that exist on this Earth. Each One standing within this point and taking this point on and not accepting excuses or saying “why should I have to take responsibility for someone else” So Yes, I much rather participate with Beings who will NOT accept any such excuse But simply see the common sense in Standing Up and taking responsibility for ALL that is HERE, no matter what. I mean From this perspective Destonians Really Get Shit Done and do not ever pass the responsibility off to someone else saying “oh its not my responsibility” If you are tired of a world where all that exist are excuses and justifications, and limitations, suggest to investigate the Desteni I Process - http://desteniiprocess.com/ Because this is the training to educate ourselves to actually become Responsible Individuals to the utmost Degree, accepting no more excuses or justifications, but just Getting it Done. No more accepting this world that we have created, and such points as having to lock are doors at night – I mean com’on people, what is the point of giving up on that which you really actually want this world to be like. Like the way you expected it to be when you were a child, where you actually had the freedom to express yourself - That is if you were not dying of starvation somewhere. At Desteni we are a group of individuals who are not accepting this world how it is and are coming together to bring about a change. At the moment one of the Primary Goals is the bringing about of an Equal Money System , where we actually replace the current money system with an New Equal Money System. And before you accept that experience within yourself coming up as you read this where you simply dismiss this or believe this is not possible – I would suggest to consider the point that in dismissing the equal money system, you are essentially implying that you agree with this current world, of crime, war, extensive poverty, child labour , starvation, stress of money, and basically struggling to survive each day. As long as we stand by this current world the way it is – nothing will ever change, and from my perspective, I have had enough of this world and thus participate fully in the Bringing forth of an equal money system, and a world that is actually the world we have always wanted to live in, and that supports ALL individuals to live and express and explore themselves. Equal Money Website – www.equalmoney.org Become a Destonian – http://desteniiprocess.com/ Desteni Main Website – www.desteni.co.za

Investigation of Sleep And Dream about Art coming Crashing Down

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So what is this “sleep point really” last night as I went to bed I experienced myself as being ‘more tired’ and ‘less here’ and usually when I experience myself this way when going to bed, it is likely that I will not get up in the morning when my alarm goes off but allow me to sleep in. This experience of self is simply me not directing myself but more like having already given in to the mind, and am more just “surfing along” in observer mode. And so this morning I slept passed my alarm and laid in bed not getting out. Just lying in there and drifting in and out of sleep. Instead of immediately directing myself when I wake up on the first breath, where I take a breath and direct me out of bed, no matter what I “would like” to do. There is a slight resistance towards “my world” and so stay in bed as really this point is a point of me avoiding self direction. Like in bed is place where I am safe from having to direct myself, as its like a safe zone, and I just lay there like a zombie ragdoll blob not having to direct myself in any way but can just exist in the mind in dreams, and thoughts, and blankness. There is not responsibility while I lay there, so when I get up, I have to face responsibility. Also I find a tend to drift in and out of sleep and dreams, and the very moment I allow myself to “close my eyes” and “drift back into sleep” I am essentially “giving me over to the mind” as I drift back into “my dreams” my alternate reality that is the mind, and not being Here within and as the physical in self direction. But it is interesting to see the connection of this point of “sleeping in” to the night before where its like “I know within myself” that I will probably sleep in, and I go through the motions of setting my alarm and saying to myself I will get up, but when the window of opportunity arrives in the morning, I close it shut as to prevent and stay warm in my blankets. The warmth being a justification as to why I am not getting up. Every morning there is a momentary opportunity to direct myself into my day. It is very rare that I ever sleep in “by an accident” mostly I always wake up to the alarm and in that moment have the opportunity to direct myself or not. So days when I direct me more, and am not “allowing the mind” but more directive here in my day to day actions of self, I find it easier to wake up the next morning and immediately direct myself. Dream Last night there was a section in my dream where I was standing on a roof top with my easel and painting equipment and I was setting up to make a painting, I was standing up on the very peak, very high up on this roof top and there was not allot of room to be up there, but I was ‘insisting’ that I be up there, and so I was getting myself set up and all of the sudden my entire set up slipped from the roof and crashed down to the ground in a big heap, smashing into the ground quite far below. I stood on the roof-top and looked down at those on the ground and realized that ok they were right when they mentioned that what I was doing was not so safe, where I had ‘insisted’ that it was fine. So it was quite interesting this point within my dream, particularly in relation to the point of Art within my world. I mean the rooftop is exactly the same shape as the “A” in art where I stood on the peak of this rooftop setting up my easel and painting equipment and then suddenly the entire point lost its footing and came crashing down. Art in my world has not stable footing. At least this is how I experience and perceive the point within me, and so the dream in a way is showing me “the standing” of Art in my world. On the roof top I had a high view of everything, and I was on top essentially and had to climb up the ladder to get there to the top. Standing in the peak, though there being not enough room, so having to be so careful as to not make a mistake and knock off my painting supplies, which eventually happened on its own. Art is precarious It is a risk The place of art in my world has been quite an interesting process for me of late. As I see it going more and more away, where I do art much less, and from a certain perspective find it has not “practical place” within this reality. When I do art, my life becomes precarious, and it is a risk. Particularly as I attempt to utilize art to support me to generate an income and practically support me within this reality, In doing this I find my world becomes more precarious and uncertain , there is no stable footing as art does not support this stable footing within this world at all, which was illustrated in the dream as the “Art” essentially crashed down and destroyed itself, as there was/is simply not enough room for art in my world on the rooftop. Easel Easy Ease All E-Sell Rooftop Roof oo Roo The Rooftop symbolizing “being on top” in the system. And Climbing up the ladder to get to the top where I can have a view of everything, and look out over the world and have a wide view of everything, and there is simply not enough room for me to “take art along” as it “does not belong” or able to also exist on the rooftop, on the top, as there is simply not stable point for it to stand. So of late in my world, my focus has been on money, and business, and looking at the current way the system works, and directing myself within my world to be effective within the system, and no more focussing on art, and as mentioned where art is actually becoming less and less in my world. Where I no longer spend my “free-time” to do art, but am at the moment looking at art from the perspective of generating an income with it, meaning, the art I do will be in relation to a point of making money, and thus, art is becoming less and less, as it simply is not sustaining itself from the perspective of having any relationship with money what so ever. So some interesting points in relation to Art (that which I apparently loved the most) basically becoming ‘non-existent’ in my world, and taking one final crash down.

Writing Self to Freedom – “Hitting the Jackpot!” – October 30/2010

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Today was an interesting day. I was at the “Market Collective” which is Arts and Crafts fair in the city I live in. So basically I had a table with drawings for sale. I decided to not sell paintings and drawings at this market and just focus more on selling the drawings, in particular the “Comical Sense” Drawings as I find with these drawings there is actually “something there” which is pretty cool. I Find my past work is ‘empty’ so to speak, and so find working with the “Comical Sense” stuff more fulfilling and enjoyable, as it is no more just “something to look at”. We as Consumer Society has place so much emphasis on the ‘picture’, on “the surface” that this “something to look at” has become that which we focus on. And the goal of the artist has become to make that “something to look at” as cool as possible, placing all of the emphasis on this, where the practical, functional, useful element of art steadily disappears. I mean even if one look at how we has human beings present ourselves. All of the emphasis is placed on the picture, and we attempt to arrange that picture presentation of ourselves in as many ways as possible attempting to within this find some satisfaction within ourselves. So much of the emphasis gets placed on the picture that we have forgotten in a way, that there is anything inside. So in terms of the age old question of is it art that imitates life or life that imitates art, it is simply irrelevant considering that both are in the same boat anyways – stuck on the surface. I sold one drawing today. Its the first one of the comical sense that I sold, it was titled TOMB-orrow (tomorrow) the guy that bought it like the skeleton imagery. It was quite a release because I noticed this particular thought construct coming up a few times in the day. The pattern/construct would start with the thought of first   -Noticing that I had not yet sold a drawing while watching others sell their work -Then comes like a fear of believing that I have done something really wrong -Like I have an innate mistake built into the structure of me - Like a huge gap or something where I am “missing a point” or “understanding” which is why I have not sold -Then I experience a feeling/emotion experience of sadness mixed with hopelessness/helplessness - Then thoughts of my dad come up, like I will end up living out the same pattern he did which is like ending up as a “starving artist” kind of thing   Its interesting this construct came up a few times during the day, but I was mostly aware when this construct came up so simply did not “go into it”     When I sold the drawing it was like a release in a way of this construct, like   “I am not totally crazy” Which actually indicate that this particular thought exist inside me before hand, like I thought/believed I was being delusional with “trying to sell art” This point of “believed delusion” also being linked with the experience of hopelessness.  Thinking that I am in fact so delusion and that I am not even able to see it.   I noticed also sometimes, the thought coming up of   “Why do I have to do this” Here I see this as a kind of attempting or wanting to escape from this whole experience I am going through of selling art in this world, where so much of the time, I want to just quite, even though I do see the point of what I would prefer is if I was actually able to sell the stuff, like if I actually made some consistent money with it then I would actually not want to quite selling art. So its not actually related to the “ACT” of selling art that I am opposed, just to the point of that I have not made any money or sold very effectively over the years.   At the moment, I am pushing the work I make now to be as educational as possible, where one can actually be supported by that work or piece when they see it and it isn’t just something you “put up because its nice”   This way I can actually not feel guilty for selling it to people, because before this point was quite allot – feeling guilty for selling work to people.   I mean what is real value. Value has become so distorted in this world that it has “lost touch” with reality. From my perspective value is not something “made up” but rather based on equality, meaning, you plant one seed, you get one carrot.   And this value is based on the actual physical movement of this reality, like for example the physical movement of a carrot growing into maturity. Value grounded in the earth.   And so art should be “valued this way” where it is grounded in earth so to speak.   Based in the “Equality Equation” that desteni present of 1 + 1 = 2 Our current money system, the very nature of money is based on deception. Where one is attempting to cheat reality, like saying 1+1=7 or 100 or what ever they can convince another it is worth. There is not actual basis for value these days – it is completely based on an idea – which exist in the mind.   This money system is so fucking tempting – Because essentially value is based on what someone will pay for it – not how much it is actually really worth so to speak. So people “buy in” and play the game, attempting to generate income through distorting value through the current money system where say one person might sell something to someone for 1 dollar, than this person turns around and sells it for 100 dollars – This is completely fucking with planet and the actual equilibrium of the physical earth. And showing the value of a product is not actually based on the actual physical value of the substance related to the earth and how this support humanity to live on this earth in equilibrium.   This is one reason why I support a new equal money system – because it will “normalize” everything, so that we actually start Interacting with our planet on a 1+1=2 foundation.   It is interesting I notice this “temptation” of the money system within myself where I see the point of “if I could only get people to buy my art for ‘x’ amount of money, than I wouldn’t have to worry about getting a job or paying my rent or anything like that, because there is this “jackpot” point that exist within this current money system, like if one could only convince another to pay that “jackpot” amount for their product, then they could really get allot of money for very little work. It is such a fuck up, because Im sure there are many out there who would read this and think – “Well what’s wrong with that”   Well fuck – a outflow of this current manifestation of ourselves is millions dying of starvation, wars, murder, I mean how is that “OK” .   We as humanity have begun to “make things” in the hope of hitting that “jackpot” within the system. Because it is possible for everyone of us to actually do. Like the carrot dangling in front of our eyes just out of reach.   We lose sight of the consideration to actually create something that will benefit humanity. Then the products we create, really don’t consider if they are actually of use in this reality at all but more so – can I make money from it. And this is fucking with our evolution as a human race, as an existence.   This is why I Support and Equal Money System as proposed by Desteni – www.equalmoney.org Because here the principle foundation of our movement in this reality would be How will this benefit humanity, how will this benefit life. I mean what is the actual outflow of the decisions I make and the evolution of humanity. I mean every action we make, every thought we think, has ripple effect, outflow on this existence. Thus the point here is to take into consideration what you actually in do, and what you actually think. And to consider “does this thought or action have the best interest of humanity in mind” Once this consideration is in place and all beings on this planet have placed this point as the starting point of themselves, of there every thought, word, and deed, then we will be actually evolving as LIFE.   Until then we are simply only considering ourselves and not how we actually influence this world. We think or believe that “oh it is just my life”   I mean when you die then what – your life is over? – You did the best you could – Do you really understand reality – do you really understand what is going on this planet – this existence – Is this world we have accepted really the end all be all.   Have we considered what it actually means to change.   Or are we too afraid what our friends will say if we actually change. If we actually consider something so different that it is met with massive resistance.   From my perspective than we at least know we heading in the right direction – because we require a massive change on this earth.   I mean to stop war will take the implantation of a new system, an implantation of new way of being, of living that will be not like what is here now.   Suggest to investigate Desteni and Equal money system for those who are not afraid to actually change.   www.desteni.co.za www.equalmoney.org

Self Forgiveness – Stop Creating my Self, rather, be myself

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to each day believe that I am not doing good enough. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly attempt to ‘be more’ because I have not accepted myself as who I am, and simply express that. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting my time. I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am currently existing as, from the perspective of letting go of the desire to ‘be more’ or do something that is ‘more’ or ‘better’ than who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be dissatisfied with myself as who I am, and how I live my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel each day that I have not done enough, and within this struggle nearly every day of my life, to live in such a way that I get enough done in that day, and I discover points about myself in that day, so that I can be satisfied with myself and accept myself, instead of living in self acceptance NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what I do or do not do, or find out, or do not find out about myself, but simply accept myself in every moment. Why I am not satisfied with myself. Because I feel like I am not doing a service to humanity or existence from the perspective of supporting to the degree that I will be satisfied with. Because I do not understand existence, or rather, that I do not accept my level of understanding. This brings up and interesting point – that at times I find, I want more, I want to know more, I want to be more, I want to be capable of more, yet, I have not even become effective with what I do know, understand, and am capable of.  I have not become effective with who I currently am. So it’s a point of ‘forgetting’ simplicity. From the perspective of taking who you are, or who I am currently, and working with that, and not requiring to know more, or be more, in order to be effective, but first, get effective with who I am currently. So the point is, I do not have to become something I am not, I simply have to express me. Allow myself to express me as who I am and who I am naturally. Not trying to be better or more, but take who I currently am, and apply that, so to speak. And within this become effective with who I am. So it is not to look “out there” for that ability to “be who I desire to be” in so that I will be satisfied with how I live my life,  but to accept myself, and be myself, and express myself So what is self expression then! How I will be satisfied with my life, if I express myself in self honesty. Because I will be effective in supporting others, Then what I say is not a lie, if it is me expressing myself in self honesty. And I will be satisfied because I will then no longer be misunderstood, because what I express, and what I express is me in fact, which cannot be disputed. With being myself, I do not have to rush, to be somewhere else, or become something. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself within writing, because I am attempting to move as fast as possible to build myself up as fast as possible, because I have not accepted myself. And within this not yet having accepted myself, I strive to create someone better, someone who is satisfied. And thus, within attempting to create this ‘someone’ I ‘rush’ through everything to hopefully, finally arrive a point where I am someone I want to be, and than within this can finally rest for a moment and be here. Instead of stopping, and accepting myself in this moment, and within this allow myself to be here in this moment. Here as in, not needing to create myself into something better, or more, not requiring to get everything done so I can be satisfied with myself. You cannot create yourself, you are yourself. So not matter what you do, you are not actually able to create yourself. Thus you do not change, ever, nothing ever changes, change is an illusion. I have always been who I am, and I always will be this.