Category Archives: Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing

Exposing Unnecessary Fears in my Day to Day Living.

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Tonight after work later in the evening I noticed a part of the text that my boss sent me earlier in the day before I had left from work that I did not give direction to. Fear immediately came up within me and my entire experience of myself shifted in that moment from being fine to suddenly being uncomfortable and possessed by the fear related to this point. There was a few different aspects to the fear. I forgot to properly cover up some bags of cement before rain had started to fall and to confirm that that was cool before I left for the day. The rain had already been falling for about 6.5 hours before I noticed that I missed this point so the damage could have already been done. A question that came up within me is, “Is it necessary to participate in this fear that I immediately went into / became possessed by” in that moment of realizing this missed point? The point that I see is no. There should never be any reason why one should accept and allow oneself to exist within fear. No matter what reason I looked at in terms of why I was actually going into fear; they simply were not valid for me to put myself through that experience instead of  letting the experience of fear go. The physical reality facts is still the way it is. It is more a matter of letting go of the fear attached to that scenario. This does not mean that I don't have to be practically responsible for my reality, it just mean that if I make a mistake I support myself to stop all self judgement related to the point and rather just focus on what is required to be directed practically. To fear about it does not fix it or actually make it worse or better. So then what is the purpose of the fear, and is it necessary? This event also showed me how simple it is for one to overlook or skip-over something that is required to be practically done and how that one tiny point could have quite a big consequence. Today’s point would have literally taken me 2 minutes to direct and in not doing this could have let allot of valuable resources and material get ruined. I did not ignore the point, I simply forgot. So this event showed me that I am able to be more specific and thorough within my moment to moment application. Also within this I see that even within the context of this event there is no valid justification for me to “go into fear” or Self Judgement, no matter what the stakes. Fear does not support me at all. The experience of existing in fear is not a cool experience at all and thus there is no reason why I should accept and allow myself to do this to myself. So yes, this event today brought up this point in relation to fear where I have been looking recently at my own experience of myself and that often my experience of me is not that pleasant and yet, it is me doing it to myself, and so investigating why I would accept and allow me to put myself through experiences within and as self that is really not cool, because that is backwards. Refusing to let go of an experience that is causing allot of discomfort. So I have been investigating this and working on actually letting go of these experiences of fear that is really not necessary to be in. So there is just a few aspects that came up today.

2012: The Concise Version of My Day

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  I was up early this morning to go and do my snow removal route as it snowed last night. I got up at 5:30am because I prefer to get started on it early. I was experiencing a slight anger/depression as I went about doing the route, like a general disappointment within my experience of me. I finished the route in about 4 and half hours to 5 hours. Then I drove around trying to get into this coffee place to get a latte but the freak’n road had no way of getting in there...so I just looked at the shop as I drove by on the highway with no way of getting into the other lane..lol. So I decided to just go home and do the whole coffee thing later. Plus I have been going out to get coffee as a point of just changing my behaviour patterns to not just stay in all day but doing the coffee thing as a way to “get out” more. Though today as I put in the brown sugar and stirred the cream into my Double Americano I was thinking that “I really must actually sit down and stay in the shop a while instead of just getting my coffee and then leaving right away which is what I usually do, because to just leave isn’t really changing my pattern – Staying would be me actually changing my pattern. So I took a seat along this bar table along the window and read the newspaper as I drank my coffee. I have been reading/watching a bit more news lately as I have been wanting to incorporate some of the points in my Artwork. I have rented a studio space for next month and so will for the first time in 5 years have an actual painting studio to work in! So am preparing at the moment and just doing some research of some subjects/contents to base some of the art on, and thus have been investigating some of the current events of the world to base my work on. It is almost disorienting to try and make sense of the news and connect all the dots of how fucked up this world really is. War, Starvation, Oil, Rebels, Bail-Outs, Austerity Measures, Occupy Wall-Street, Income Disparity, Extreme Household Debt Levels, Corruption in Politics, Sexual Assault, Suicide Farmers, Suicide Bombers, Poor Education, Poor Middle Class, Poverty, Obesity, Slave Labour, Holy Wars...and the list goes on and on and on. In the midst of this of course, The Oscars, The Royal Wedding and the Score from the game last night. So The Media I find is like going to a carnival or something. Its like everywhere you look its chaos and you never know who’s side of the story your getting. Its nice to have the foundation point of being aware of an “Equal Money System” as a Solution to Stabilize me as I read through everything because one begin to see how so much is simply based on money and that capitalism as a system is part of the problem, this, not being seen by media, politics, or anyone in the system where instead everyone is looking at it from the perspective of “how do I fix capitalism”  basically trying to come up with solutions to save a sinking ship and not yet seeing an alternative to what is here such as Equal Money System. So being aware of equal money as a solution is actually an anchoring point for me to go and sift through everything and not get lost within it all. I had to laugh as I sat there in the coffee shop because a person pulled a seat up beside me and actually had a sketch book and was drawing. I was only sitting there in the first place to deliberately direct myself to in a way force myself to interact with people more. Turns out this person had just gone back to finish art school after a hiatus from art altogether. So I chatted a bit and then headed home. I was a dizzy again today. I have had this dizziness come up this past week and it came up today again so when I got home I decided that I would lay off the computer screens a bit and I just put on one of the Atlantian Interviews from the Series on Eqafe.Com, turned out the lights and listened to that...well I more just fell asleep but it was cool as I just laid there and breathed and listened to the interview and that helped stabilize me from the dizziness. So that is the concise version of my day. www.equalmoney.org www.desteni.org

Ok, Stop putting off Blogging.

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I have been putting off blogging for a while this month. I Haven’t really known what to blog about but see that this is more related to how I am applying myself in my process, meaning when I am not applying myself and actually working with myself within writing, self forgiveness and self correction there usually is “nothing to write about” where when I am more working with myself it is easier to write blogs. I got a speeding ticket today. That’s the first one I have gotten since starting driving here in the city a couple years ago. There was actually a point of relief within me just to get it over with where now I have finally gotten a ticket and can stop wondering when and if I will get one.  (lol) I had just left my house and was heading out get a coffee. When I got the ticket I was actually “talking out” point about this new phone I got and basically I was looking at this point where since buying the phone  I was finding myself to be very distracted and divided within myself so was looking at what the ‘F’ is going on that when I got this phone suddenly my world is just not stable so I was debating/deciding whether or not to return it as being a possible solution for me to just stabilize myself again...and then I see the flashing lights of the police car. When I got the ticket I actually did not react to much. I was driving 82 in a 60 zone. I found though that getting the ticket pushed me more to have a look at what the fuck is going on with myself in my world. I mean having this whole experience with my phone and experiencing myself as quite disoriented and divided this week, and now to get pulled over by the police and get a speeding ticket, its just like WTF. I really gotta have a serious look at “what’s the point” I decided after I got the ticket “Fuck-It. I will return the phone.” Turns out I can’t because I already used it more than 15 minutes. I actually didn’t want to return it but was kind of stuck in this point of seeing that my instability was somehow related to me getting this phone so just decided to go ahead and see about returning it. After getting home from not being allowed to return my phone I started writing. I usually write each day but some days my writing is not much and does not really do anything, but these events today in a way pushed me to actually write out some of the points that was busy swirling around inside myself and see if I could support myself to stabilize myself in by directing myself to “get in there” more with my writing. I found I was a bit more stable after writing and once again see the invaluable support that writing can be as a tool to support oneself in ones day to day living. I have not blogged much this month and so can even see a link between this point and the instability within myself that had come up this last week. Both in relation to simply not giving myself the opportunity to stabilize myself within writing and also due to having things pile up and pile on top of each other when you procrastinate in doing something where I this point of fear start to emerge within me about “oh no, will I have enough time to get my blogs done this month” instead of just having directed the point so that it is more of an expression instead of an obligation which occur when one procrastinates. Ok I will leave you with a practical support video giving some perspective on what one can expect or sometimes encounter with regards to facing ones world and getting things done.   Time Management – Walking In Space Time Physical-Breath http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNuhdunb1qs&feature=plcp&context=C3b75e47UDOEgsToPDskK_IqYzluqQVsuv1PHniQh-

2012: Convincing Myself That I Have Changed.

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I started to notice/become aware of this point about a year ago, where it was something that would come up more frequently where I started to see this point within myself where I would build up or create an idea of myself/ of who I am, only to realize that this idea was not at all who I really was and thus, was just in fact an idea created and constructed within my own mind.

This point has “matured” during the past year where I began to see more and more how I would constantly exist within only an idea of myself (energy)and also particularly an idea of myself as someone who is walking process and in the process of change. When in fact there was very little change actually taking place. From a certain perspective I see this point as being the current predicament we as humanity find ourselves in. We have superimposed an “idea” of who we are and what this world is onto the actual truth of ourselves and this world, which we are not actually able to see, due to us only seeing our projected idea of ourselves and this reality. So for me it has been a process to begin to differentiate between this Mind Projected Self and The Actual Self and to thus stop participating with the Mind Projected Self so that I actually start living Here and working with that which is actually real. This is how I understand it. And obviously all the context put forward by Desteni has assisted and supported me in this process to begin to establish for myself what is actually going on in this reality and how I can approach investigating and working with myself so that it has some actual value. So that it (my life/time) is not just wasted and end up being pointless. So over the last 4 years I have made many many many many changes – But have come to realize and see that mostly all of these “changes” took place only within my own mind. I had believed and perceived myself to be in a process of change but I was really in a process of just first seeing the difference between what actual change is vs perceptual pie in the sky change. Or coming to see what it means to “not change” I simply did not know any better – I had really spent so much time existing as my mind that the mind was the only reference I had in terms of how I had come to assess and make sense of myself and my reality – Thus the mind was where I initially looked to see/assess my process of change. One way to describe it is as the following; “One ‘actual’ change, no matter how small, is worth more than a million perceptual changes no matter how big.” So it took some time for me to actually start to see the actual me. To see that I was not changing for real, but only getting trapped in the mind, within the illusion that I was on the right track Though I guess form a certain perspective I did actually see this “actual me” but I could not put my finger on it. I just felt uncomfortable about the process I was busy with. Because I could see that I was not actually changing, but it was like I was denying that I could actually see the real me and so just attempted to convince myself otherwise, convince myself that I was changing – when in fact there was very little actual SELF Movement and Lots of Mind Movement, Mind Movement having no actual bearing on the truth of myself, on the real self. You can change in the mind a million times and nothing will happen – ‘YOU’ are actually not changing. It is the mind that is busy at work constructing these ideas of Self in this process of change But Self as the physical is Actual Substantial Matter and Form, and to actually transform and work with actual substantial matter is different than simply changing within your mind, or creating / reconstructing the Idea you have of yourself. So this is basically where I am at the moment – Starting to see the actual me down there beneath the layers and layers and layers of perception about who I am that I require to first get through to start to see and work with the actual self. So in a way I have up to this point just been busy getting through these layers and learning how not to get caught up, trapped, seduced, side tracked by these imaginary perceptions of self so that I can more effectively work with “the real stuff” so to speak. So this has actually been quite a cool point to have start coming through because I realize that it does not matter how much I change myself within my mind, or convince myself that I am changing, it is irrelevant. What I must look at or pay attention to is Me as the actual real physical substantial self. And to work with myself at that level, and in a way I have really just begun this or am still even in the process of beginning this. I say this because I still daily suddenly realize – “Fuck I have been in my mind that entire time” I realize that I am a work in progress, that I likely will be working with this “difference” between the Real Self vs the Imaginary Self for some time to come. So I just wanted to mention this point because I have noticed that lately this point has emerged as something that is more tangible and that I am able to “explain” and place into words. Lol – Though I do see how one of the primary ways I have/had ended up trapping myself in the imaginary self is through/within my writing! Where I will go and write something, to discover how I ended up making the writing more about forming an idea or perception in the mind instead of actually assisting and supporting and getting down to and sticking with that actual real substantial Me Here in the Moment within my expression. So also here I am working with this dimension of writing. To  develop more stability in this application so as not to get side tracked by the energy / perceptions of the mind so that when I write I am not just busy constructing some idea about something but that I am really Here with me and actually working with the actual real substantial self /  the physical. And in this supporting myself to become real. I also find one is able to trap oneself in an imaginary idea of self when one is speaking as well as when one is thinking or participating in the mind – Meaning this can happen in writing, speaking or silently – So which is another reason why I wanted to mention this point today because of how “easy” it is...or at least how easy I have found it to get lost within myself in some perception of myself that I constructed either in writing or in the words I spoke or just within thinking/participating “silently” within my mind or any combination of these. So I will continue supporting me within breathing, writing and self forgiveness to make sure I am walking with me during my days and not floating around somewhere in the mind. For Further Expansion on the Point of the "Idea Self VS The Real Self" Please See Video Interview- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B531BWrLN4Y&feature=player_embedded www.desteni.org. www.eqafe.com

The “New Years Resolution Attitude” Towards Self Change.

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Today I watched the video “ How Thoughts Create Physical Reality”. This is one of the many support videos that have been uploaded by Desteni as practical support videos to assist and support one to change / transform self and this world. And also initially to give one the opportunity to start understanding and have some actual insight into what it actually means to Change Self The point  I wanted to mention here is about our/humanities current perception and understanding of what Self Change is, which one is able to see within the point of the “NewYears Resolution” As I watched this video today (how thoughts create physical reality)  I was thinking to myself  “how is one actually supposed to change if they do not have the understanding which this video placed into perspective/context, in part along with all the other desteni videos/material and the entire desteni process, including the desteni i process courses, all of which is basically focused on the point of Self Change. This process of self change being in essence a 24/7 application that a being take on for oneself within seeing realizing the extent of dedication required to walk the point of self change. And not just reduce this point of self change into a momentary "nice idea" as a News Years Resolution type approach to changing self. So, it just makes me think about all of those NewYears Resolutions being made out there right now at the moment in preparation for the new year and changing self into a “better person” The Point of the New Years Resolution actually show at the moment our current  limited understanding as humanity of what it actually means / implies to change self. Where one can go literally the entire year without giving this point any attention to then attempt to add it into there lives as a new years resolution - It is really just like making the point of change just another fad like everything else in this consumer culture world. Lol - Next there will be an "App" for that - The instachange app - lol Instead of self change being  understood as a  day to day application of self, walked in dedication and willingness to give up 'who self has become' in order to recreate self, it has become a momentary application that only comes around once a year where there is this kind of build up of energy and one get all excited and decide to make a change in their life, but have very little practical understanding or context of what it is really going to take to change self and further more the degree of change which is in fact required in this world to create a world that is best for all, a world that is actually dignified to live in. So I suggest anyone serious about following through with your NewYears Resolution check out this video  “ How Thoughts Create Physical Reality” to get some perspective on how we have actually come to create ourselves as human beings as this will give some indication of what is actually required to change and transform self; and obviously to support self to realize that life should in fact be a consistent dedicated walking of self change and not just some fad that you can try out once in a year for a month or so as a “New Years Resolution” For information regarding the process of self change visit desteni.org To join the Desteni I Process visit desteniiprocess.com For Self Supportive Merchandise and Products visit Eqafe.com Featured Eqafe Product  

Writing as Self Support – My Fingers have a mind of their Own.

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Ok, I am going to pick up on a point that I came across while writing last night which was the point of directing myself in relation to energy from the perspective of “energy” and “experience” of self, being the starting point of self movement. For some context Here is a quote by Bernard Poolman: “your real life on earth move by actual breath as time --from the first breath to the last breath - and breath determines the effectiveness of living on earth. The less you are aware of breathing, the more you will live in a system world where life is not honored and things like money will drive you. The more you live by breathing as timekeeper, the more you will notice the kazillions of nonhuman beings on earth.” So with regards to the point I mentioned above, this quote by Bernard Poolman offers a context for how one “should” direct and move self – That being rather by/within breath instead of as/within the mind as energy. Basically what I was looking at last night was that how there always seemed to be a kind of “anxiety” within myself that pushes me in this direction or that. Within this I found I was much less effective in what I was doing due to what I was doing being subject to this anxiety/energy/experience of myself that constantly push me and influence my moment to moment expression as living application. This point actually showed itself this morning as well as I sat down in front of the computer to write. I was simply sitting down to write as a point of self support. To just direct myself to write as a way to support me to start being able to see myself and become more aware of myself where in writing is a tool to develop self awareness and also self stability. Self stability from the perspective of supporting myself to slow down within and as myself and not spend all my time existing in the mind or in some experience of myself that is influencing me where I end up feeling like I am just along for the ride with no directive principle at all, with no ability to be deliberate and specific and directive within my expression what ever I might be doing, because there is this kind of force pushing/forcing me along and in this I end up skipping over things and rushing things and not being as specific and deliberate as I could and thus within a greater context end up creating and manifesting my world from the starting point of skipping over things, rushing and not being specific – thus this has implications that flow out into the very creation of my life/world/ as my immediate surroundings as well as the world as a whole – lol...Ok getting back to the point. Today as I sat down to write, I shot “out of the gates” like a race horse blasting towards the finish line. My fingers hardly keeping up. It wasn’t long before I lost track of what I was writing and everything became like one long drone or run on sentence where I experienced me as not really supporting myself in the writing anymore due to this point of feeling a bit “out of control” like my fingers and what I was writing had a mind of its own. So this is showing me that how I am more existing in mind in my world and that when I go to write, the mind attempt to assert itself as the governing principle of me – though what I have found is that the tool of writing supports in stabilization of self in by supporting the slowing down of self even though initially “out of the gates” or in other situations the mind attempt to position itself as the dominant directive principle, so yes, it will not be an automatic correction but like anything I see simply requires consistent application for effective support. This reminds me of a conversation I had with Bernard while I was in South Africa. This conversation was quite long, somewhere between 1 and 2 hours. During the discussion one of the points that was mentioned was how when I speak it’s like within myself my mind races way ahead and I end up trying to keep up with mind and in this my communication is not effective. I always enjoy seeing people who are very stable in their communication where they are “Here” within each breath as each word they speak and their mind is not just racing a mile a minute inside themselves going all different directions, but rather it is like they are stable and here and silent. In this their communication is much more effective and stable. So in essence this morning I see the point was “my mind” racing a mile a minute, and instead of stopping and slowing myself down, I ended up initially getting caught up with trying to chase down my mind or keep up with mind as it just races all over the place. For me that is one of the points in using writing as a tool to support me – The point being to assist and support myself to slow down and stabilize myself within me. So I am not constantly running around in my mind. And so in writing I can take the opportunity to slow myself and make sure I am not running/chasing after the mind but that I am here and specific and directive in the placement of my words. So will see how this develops – it has been a point that I have been working with since I started process – which is cool in itself because before process I had never even herd a practical description of this experience that was happening inside myself to be able to support me to even know where to begin to correct the point and become more effective in my communication and writing – So yes, the point I work with is stopping the mind/energy and rather writing from the perspective of being here as Breath. To reference again, this time a segment of the above quote by Bernard Poolman: “The less you are aware of breathing, the more you will live in a system world where life is not honored and things like money will drive you.” So when I started writing this morning I was not aware of my breathing and ended up being directed by the “system world” where I am “driven” by points other than Self.  Which is what I started this document off by writing about – This point I came across last night which was how I was seeing that I always seem to directed or influenced or moving myself in relation to some energy or experience of myself and rarely am I simply here directing myself within and as breath as a point of Self Direction – Self direction does not require energy or experience or some kind of anxiety to push self to move, but is rather Self moving, directing self as a Self Expression. So I can just continue to support myself through writing and developing the point of slowing down and also identifying such moments when I end up “trapped” within my mind, within the system world and being directed by this where there is like this kind of energy pushing and influencing me like pushing me through something instead of me just walking through a point breath by breath with no urge or pressure experience within myself to quickly get to the finish line.   Links: 2012 - New 21 Day Breathing Challenge - Interview done on utilizing breath as practical self support Desteni I Process - Self Development and Leadership Course Desteni.org   Support Products and Merchandise available now at the EQAFE.COM   Freedom Blogs  - Read Blogs by many destonians who have dedicated themselves to practical self support through writing regularly on various differen       No 1. Beginners - Thoughts, Writings, and Self Forgiveness - Covering here the basic points that self will face as one’s Conscious, Subconscious and Unconscious Mind in initially starting walking one’s process of facing the Mind as self      

The longer we wait, The longer It Takes. How Long Will it Take To Change The World

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The system / the world I live in is all around me. It is the way it is because it is exactly what we have created, either deliberately/ in awareness  or through implication / unawareness. At times I get frustrated with the System / This world and how I must interact with it in what I have to/must do to survive in it. Nothing will ever change unless deliberate physical actions/direction is given/taken by ourselves to change the system. Every moment we do nothing is simply prolonging the moment when we are Free because we have created a system / world that is actually best for us / what we would like. How long will it actually take to transform this system we live in completely and absolutely so that it support and honour all life and self expression. So that it actually support our functionality and existence within such a system, so that we are not “fighting” or “Struggling” with the system where it makes our lives more difficult. A System that makes our lives more difficult shows a lack of intelligence. How long will it actually take to re-create the entire world/system from the perspective of changing/transforming that which is “man-made” into a structure that function in such a way that it allows us to actually do what we all common sensically would like to do with ourselves in our life on earth. That is simply enjoy ourselves here, have fun.  Explore, Expand, Investigate ourselves and the world we live in, Being Free to simply be Here. Take a look at so many individuals in this world living their life, working their job, earning their money. What does their life consist of? When/Where are they taking part in bringing forth a New System That will actually support us on this earth or have they accepted the current system and simply have created Their Life and are now set/locked into their “Life”...Working their job, going on holiday, buying products, buying a house, setting themselves up in the current system so that they can functionally exist until they Die. So many simply live in this system, and have no idea how it is created or how they contribute to this creation. They have simply accepted the general layout and structure of things and attempt to make it work for them the best they can. I see that nothing will ever change if we as individuals do nothing to change it. I would suggest to have a look at your expression/ participation in your day to day living, and ask yourself “where are you going with this” ask yourself “what will this lead to” What are we doing here. What is the point of existing – To exist within a closed cycle within the current system until we are dead? Are we happy with how the System Currently Function? Happy with millions of people starving to death Happy with slave labour Happy with working a job we don’t even like because its “all that’s available” Happy to have “the weekend”  2 days a week where we are  apparently “free” from our lives/responsibilities. Happy to always struggle with, fight with and fear money. Happy to give up our hobbies and what we really enjoy doing as self expression because we must dedicate more time “making money” Happy to live in a world which we are constantly trying to escape. That is the current life that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to live. Lets Rather Create a World that we do not want to escape from = Common Sense. But are grateful and appreciative to exist within. A world where We want to be Here. The longer we wait, The longer we wait. Every moment is a moment to take physical practical direction in bringing forth a new world, a new system.   For more information with regards to understanding how to Re-Create Yourself please visit the Desteni Website desteni.co.za   Desteni also offer a comprehensive course which practically assist one to begin the process of self creation/transformation where one will discover/learn/ become aware of how one actually “create” themselves and this world, thus providing a practical foundation for one to be able to in fact support the creation of a World and a Self that is Best for ALL. Desteniiprocess.com One is also able to Support the Emergence of a New System based on the principle of “What is Best For ALL” by purchasing exclusive products such as Books, Interviews, Music available at the Equality Store. http://store.desteni.org/  Featured Products at Equality Store

My Experience of Me Today

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When I woke up this morning I went upstairs to make a drink before getting into things. Plus I still had to decide what I was going to do exactly with my time before I went to work. I have been getting up earlier recently so that I have some time to do things before I go to work. This has been much more supportive than the pattern of sleeping right until its time to go, then get up and go directly to work. So now its like I have “2 days” in one. Because I had been so long sleeping in the mornings now to be getting up earlier its cool. I find I am much more relaxed also, and am able to just do things at a normal pace instead of feeling constricted in my spare time. I ended up working on my SRA assignment this morning before heading off to work. I left for work and went through the drive-through at Tim Horton’s and got a Hot Chocolate. Perhaps tomorrow I should prepare my own drink at home. Recently on my way to work I have been applying self forgiveness in my car. I also “talk points out” meaning just speak out loud on certain points I am working on. And really just practicing and exploring self forgiveness as I drive to work. When I arrived at work, everybody was just getting there. My boss called me over to carry some stuff but when I got to the truck there was only a small saw to be carried. I reacted within myself at being called over “for nothing” like a slight reaction came up within me in relation to this idea that my boss was only calling me over to do that because “I am a worker” therefore “I must work” and that this point was being considered over practical common sense of the moment in that there was no real practical reason to call me over in that moment. This point also came up of me being a slave, which has been a point that I have been looking at recently and also applying some self forgiveness on. In this moment the reaction point was a point of anger in relation to me experiencing myself as being treated as a slave, one aspect of this being due to me not having money and thus not having any power in this world where I then become the subject/slave of those with money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and blame my boss when I perceive that he is wanting me to work, and do things, because he is paying me and wants the most for his dollar, where within this he does not see me or consider me as his equal but as his worker, and also here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated by the fact that I am in my bosses position making all the money I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry within myself and blame my boss for my situation of feeling like I will never get ahead. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for “never getting ahead” from the perspective of believing that there is something wrong with me or that no matter what I do, I am simply doomed to my programming as the programming that was passed down through my family, specifically from my father, which will inevitably lead to me being poor or remaining poor with only so much money for the rest of my life. I walked up into the worksite to check out what was done the last day I was not there. We got started on a fence, beginning where it was left off the day before. It was a slat fence and so we, one by one, put up these slats building each section of the fence. I worked with this one guy who I find awkward to work with. I find my physical movements become rushed and jerky and I end up dropping things or making allot more mistakes then when I am just relaxed and giving a point direction. With this guy I find I go into this state of anxiety or haste when ever I work on projects with him. I find he as well work this way, and thus always knocks stuff over or makes mistakes, and so it can be a challenge to work with this guy. Though has brought up allot of points within myself to look at/face so that is cool. Lots of fears of conflict and fear of anger and also this point of “being a slave” that I touched upon earlier as well. Oh yes and “blame” Where in I am seeing I am constantly wanting to go into blame towards him, but must correct myself to rather go into a point of Self Forgiveness than blame. We also got another new guy today. I saw him from a distance coming into the yard and shaking hands with my boss. My first reaction to him was that “he was tall” lol. Normally one have a first impression of a being, but I did not have that, I definitely had a first “reaction” as I immediately reacted in a point of judgement/assessment as I observed him from a distance. He was younger, and he was tall. Younger is cool because I find when people are younger they are normally easier to get along with where when you have older people, they have more engrained patterns and thus react allot more, and are more “set” in their ways. We had a break around 11:00am and my boss brought coffee’s and doughnuts, though I had a tea, because I am doing 21 days no coffee which has been quite cool support in terms of just having a point which break apart, or “throw a wrench into” my normal routine / daily pattern. Because now its all different where normally it would just be the same where in “ok now I go have coffee” and simply walk through the point of having coffee without a ruffle at all in my normal flow of things. And because I did this around 2 to 4 times a day, now I have 2 to 4 times a day where things are different, now I go and make some tea, and its just different. Getting the tea bag, and putting in some honey and deciding what tea to have, and then the experience of drinking the tea, so yes, the 21 days no coffee has been cool support so far. So anyways on coffee break I spoke with the new guy to get to know him a bit. I noticed that he looked at the ground when he spoke with me. This was quite peculiar. I wondered if he had an older brother or father that would yell at him or something, because it seemed like when ever he would talk it was being done from the starting point of “shame” like just in speaking he is doing something wrong already. Ok stopping here, I have some files to send to the printer before I go to bed, and so am going to do this now. I am preparing myself for doing snow removal this winter again so am getting some business cards printed. Perhaps I will discuss this in the next blog. And explore some aspects/points of taking on doing snow removal again to support myself through the winter to have sufficient money coming in. Goodnight.

Looking at some points related to Communication and Writing.

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Sometimes I experience a blank when I go to write. This has been occurring allot lately. I see that there is a point of self judgement where within judging what I am about to write actually keeps this “blankness” Here, as I judge what I am about to write or what I start writing and then might quickly erase it as I think to myself “no, no, no, thats not what I want to write about”. So I see this in fact a judgement which prevent me from actually moving from the starting line and exploring myself within writing. So rather I must support myself within moving through that which I am writing by not judging what I am writing or what is coming up in the moment. Because in some instances I will do this multiple times to the point where I eventually just close the document I am working on and do something else. So I will open a document and pause for a moment then say to myself in a way, “what shall I write about” Then a point, or sentence will come up within me and I will carry on to write this down but then get a few words in and pause and think, “nawww thats not good enough” and then I try and think of something else to write about. Then I will trap myself within this pattern instead of rather directing myself to just go with what comes up initially and not judge it. So today at work I was working with a co-worker and we were discussing different points related to the money system and human nature and just really touching on a few points and sharing perspectives. But I found myself to be quite frustrated in this because I find that I know actually so very little. Actually today I was pushing myself to speak up and assert myself a little more instead of holding back on giving my perspective, though it did not go that smoothly. I will continue to test this point out of expanding my communication through stepping outside of my normal programmed way of communicating and venture into some less explored waters where I will simply direct myself to speak where I normally would have kept quite. But after today this will require some adjustment already because in speaking up more I realized that “I don’t know shit” lol. Like I will start explaining something to someone and then realize as I start getting into the point “oh fuck, I actually don’t the necessary details to be able to explain the point. Like only having a surface idea of something but when it actually gets down to it my understanding is actually not at all sufficient on so many points that I believed that I had all sorted out. This made me realize that I must pay closer attention when I am reading an article so that when I go explaining a cool article to someone that I read just that same morning I don’t stop a few seconds in within the realization that, yes I read the article, but I do not remember shit about what it was actually about. It was like I wasn’t even reading it really, but only thought I was – LOL. Simply put – Pay more attention when I am reading and ensure that I have the comprehension of what is being presented in place so that if required I would be able to explain the main points of the article and give perspective on it. I asked myself today “what do I actually know” Because, ok, why not I just stick to communicating about stuff that I have a solid understanding about , and so I asked myself “what do I have a solid understanding about” and fuck – there is really not much. Particularly when it comes to certainties. Which is humbling. To see how much of my understanding and comprehension of reality is based on assumption. (ok one more point came up as I was writing my tags for this blog - It is the point of actually re-structuring my communication like for instance one must build the foundation for the house before they can build the house or put in the windows, and so today was like I was getting ahead of myself  instead of establishing building the necessary foundation / context for what I am communicating about.)  

COOL to be CRUEL

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I want to communicate about communication. About this world’s normal accepted way of communicating and interacting with one another, and how this “normal” accepted communication and interaction, what we call funny or entertaining or harmless is in fact extensive abuse towards life. This abuse often gets hidden behind or masked with sarcasm or joking/humour or laughter but what is actually being implied by and through ones jokes is in fact quite cruel and does not in any way support another human being to become a empowered confident expression of life, but simply diminish the other into a position where one then see believe oneself to be inferior and then judge oneself. Basically what I am saying here is that the way we have come to communicate with one another on this planet is within a suppressing, diminishing nature, instead of a supportive encouraging one. I mean for instance when one go to the shop and bring home a nice plant that they want to set on their kitchen table or window sill and have it blossom and grow and live there in the home with them. They do not firstly take it outside and dump it on the pavement and then crush it under their foot, stamping on it until it is trampled and dead. That would be considered stupidity – Yet this is exactly what I see being done as and through our normal accepted way of interacting and communicating with each other in this world. Strangely it is not even being noticed. So I suggest the obvious commons sense of giving the plant some water and within the context of this discussion, communicate with other beings from the starting point of SUPORT. We are Here to support the development of self and others equally as life to grow and become a dignified expression that support itself and all life with the utmost care and direction to ensure the expansion, growth and expression of who we are as life. This is definitely NOT! Happening at all, and all you have to do to see it is observe what has come to be our “normal” accepted and allowed mode of communication and interaction with each other. This particular point has come up quite a bit at work, where I observe my co-workers interacting and joking around though what I see is utter abuse and diminishment of life. Making fun of or diminishing other human beings as a joke? Ridiculing another human being as a joke? Calling another human names as a Joke? The word that came up the other day after a few months of observing this type of “regular” communication between my co-workers is CRUELTY. At the core of the communication which is all jokey and sarcastic on the surface is in fact Cruelty. From my perspective my co-workers have not encountered any other way or type of communication to replace humanities overall accepted way of communication. I mean even listen to what is being pumped and impulsed onto/into us through your cities local popular radio stations…where being dumb and impractical is actually considered cool and something that if one aspire to they will be seen as cool. I do not support stupidity and impracticality. I rather support being practical, functional and pushing self to develop into an effective human being. It is a TRAP. What you here on the radio and what your friends are talking about. Its like everyone just agrees that these types of things are supposedly funny and cool. Buy WHY? Who come up with this ridiculous idea. Aspiring to be dumb is dumb Homer Simpson comes to mind. This character made being dumb funny and something to aspire to. Quite fascinating actually. And currently we have evolved and really what we laugh at and aspire to be today makes Home Simpson look like a Genius. If I look at why this kind of communication is actually becoming more and more and more in this world, and this is in relation to the point of it “being cool”. Thus then A point of motivation for why  someone would ridicule another is because “that is what is funny” and or “Cool” Thus they are not doing to be cruel per-se. They are doing it be funny and cool!  It just so happens that it is F-ing Cruel. But that is overlooked because “it is funny” and “people are laughing at what I am doing” and so “I feel good and important” and so the this viscous behaviour of cruelty and diminishment towards life is perpetuated. When I was on the Desteni Farm this was where I experienced first hand the affect of communication and interaction that is actually done from the starting point of Support. The point was no longer to try and catch someone doing something so you can embarrass them or laugh at their expense so that you look better. Nope. It was to look at how in any situation you can actually support another being through how you communicate and interact with them. From this perspective then something like embarrassment will in a way begin to disappear within bringing forth communication done from the starting point of Support within a principle of equality and oneness. Because if one fuck up or make a mistake it will not be like it is now where one is so afraid to make a mistake because they know that there “friends” will be right there to “give them a hard time” which actually means ridicule and diminish them under the guise of sarcasm and “joking around” But it is really not. It is in fact extensively cruel. This is why I support an equal money system as within the emergence and development of an equal money system we will also change the way we communicate and interact with each other so that our words are like water that encourage the growth and expression of life in every moment and stop being like a boot that crush the life out of a being to only empower ones ego and own self importance. Stop the abuse within communication and push self to always communication from the starting point of equals and in a way that support and encourage life, as this will bring forth a truly empowered human being. Here is a Vlog done by Sean Sharing his Specific Experience in relation to this point : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMYAkv0t0ak&feature=share www.equalmoney.org www.desteniiprocess.com