Category Archives: Self forgiveness – Purification

The ‘STING’ of Self Judgement and Correction to EQUALITY

Posted on by

First thing I will start with is I was stung in my right hand today, twice! by wasps. At the moment my hand is starting to look like a marshmellow because it has gradually swollen up more and more since being stung. There were lots of wasp nests on the cut-block we were planting today, and I managed to run into two of them. Sometimes you don’t see them because they are underground, and you end up planting your shovel right into the nest…then you run. I have not been stung yet this year, so found it interesting and “out of the ordinary” that I was stung twice on separate occasions in almost the exact same spot, that being the right hand. I hold my shovel with my right hand, so some words to describe the ‘shovel-hand’ would then be ‘power’, ‘force’, ‘masculinity’, and ‘strength’ Today I was working out of the same ‘cache’ (place where the trees are kept) with two of the stronger planters on our crew, so the point of comparison came up, and I used them as a ‘pacer’ where I would pace myself in relation to them and try and plant as fast as them. I took the opportunity to do this to support myself in building up my speed. Its like learning from someone else. Although the ‘problem’ occur when it turns into comparison where I begin to judge or define myself according to how fast I can go/plant in relation to them. When I was initially stung by the wasps I looked at the point of comparison then also and how I could see that within my mind I was busy defining myself according to the fast planters and attempting to build myself up or my personality up as to be a “fast planter” and within this also defining and attempting to place myself on a ‘higher-rung’ or ‘positioning’ within the ‘hierarchy’ of the crew. However now in looking at the point I see the point of weakness’ also from the perspective of when I was slower than the others, that I judged/believed myself to be ‘weak’ or ‘weaker’ than or ‘less than’ them. So from this perspective I am able to relate the ‘Wasp-Stings’ as being the physical manifestation of what I was already doing to myself within my mind – which was attacking/stinging and judging myself and others with regards to ‘strength’, ‘power’, ‘masculinity’.

I have been aware of and applying myself within the correction of this point, although at times find myself slip back into the point comparison.

The corrective application to this point is to plant from the perspective of SELF. Where my attention is on SELF as self discipline in breath and remaining here in full attention of SELF as the PHYSICAL, where I am aware of my breath, and each and every movement of my body, in every movement. I do not accept and allow myself to ‘rush’ as within ‘rushing’ I am attempting to push and move myself with my mind in such a way where I am no longer aware of my physical body in every movement and each and every breath. I do not accept and allowing myself and my application to be influenced in any moment particularly where/when I go into comparison towards others, within my mind.
Rather, I plant/work/live for me and do not accept and allow myself to plant/work/live from the perspective of “being seen in a particular way” – that is personality. I am equal to all beings, thus to believe that I am more than, or unique, through how people see me, is the MIND, and when I see this occur, I stop immediately and correct myself in a single breath, where I, in a moment re-establish my starting point, as SELF, as self movement, direction, discipline, within the principle of equality. I breathe and I continue with full attention here as self as the physical in and as breath.

Money is the SOUL of the Individual

Posted on by

An interesting point has come up of late, On the one hand, you have “this current system” (based in separation/greed/self interest) and on the other hand, you have “A New System” (based in equality/support/bestforall) which is not yet here, but is that which I stand for. As I walk my process in this world each day, I see more and more, the subtleties of “this current system” and how it impacts, shapes, forms, and influences everyone’s lives, particularly relating to the point of ‘money’ being a foundational keystone of this current system and this point specifically influence individuals in this world. I find within seeing the extensive degree of influence and control money has, and how it shapes and forms this world in every way, I become more wanting to speak up. Where I find a passion inside of me wanting to BURN this current system to the ground. I have been finding this point coming up allot lately within my Job in seeing how money influence the behaviours, moods, and experiences of everyone within the job. Where ones entire experience of themselves throughout the day is dominantly formed by money, by the influence and role money plays within this world, which essentially, I have found at my job, is the determining factor of whether a persons day is good or bad. Personal Self Expression is no longer being taken into consideration. In fact, That would be a good question for me to ask some of my co-workers. Whether or not they see or understand the difference between an experience of self based in self expression, and the experience of self based in the influence of money. And what people have to say about spending 10 hours a day every day being moved, being animated, by money, as if money is the blood in there veins, is the energy source which propels them through there workly tasks, which moves their arm this way, which pushes them to make this decision or that, in every moment, The accepted ‘life force essence’ of the individual, has become money to such a degree, that they cannot notice or distinguish this “kind of expression” from actual self expression, where one do something from the starting point of enjoyment.
Yet here I am, participating within this system, as this is the current system in place. Thus, must utilize it at the moment to support myself within this world. But the more and more I participate within it, the more and more I see how this system is not supporting life in a way which support life as self expression, as perfection, as expansion. But rather further and further ‘enslaving’ if you will beings into experiences and expressions of themselves in this world which are now, from my perspective almost entirely void of self and almost exclusively if not entirely those which have money as the soul of this expression or experience. The essence of the experience of a being on this earth is Money.
This is why we require a new money system, to kill the soul of the individual, because at the moment this soul, is money. And equal money system would effectively eliminate this point, so we could “move on” and deal with other points, But until the money point is sorted out, we are ‘stuck’ here. An equal money system would effectively transform the human being, it would rip the soul of the human being, the life essence which is currently money our of the fabric of the human being, Ripping and tearing it out of the centre of themselves, where within an equal money system, the being would/will then only realize the extent of control that money had over them. How it flowed through their veins without them even knowing.

Self Forgiveness on ‘COMPARISON’ and ‘MONEY’

Posted on by

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind within thoughts, ideas, worries, concerns, emotions and feelings related to planting trees from the perspective of “being a good planter” and “making lots of money”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the constructs and networks of thoughts, ideas, concepts, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and emotions and feelings within my mind related to treeplanting from the perspective of “being a good planter” and “making allot of money” instead of simply breathing here in the moment and applying myself in the moment and allowing myself to let go of “that which goes on in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the mind and specific “trains of thoughts” that emerge or come up in my mind, simply because they “do” come up and thus automatically allow myself to participate within them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a good planter
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the energetic experiences that come up within my about “being a good planter” in comparison to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself occupy myself within comparison where in I give my attention to comparing myself to others and seeing myself in relation to others within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want to win”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want to win” from the perspective of “not being satisfied with myself” unless I win, and am better than others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to outperform others from the perspective of attempting to satisfy myself within and as myself
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be satisfied with myself from the perspective of not requiring me to compare myself to others to gauge my satisfaction, but rather simply me being satisfied with me without needing or requiring to compare myself to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that through comparison and creating defining myself according to others within comparison that I will finally be able to be satisfied with myself and there in within this be able to just stop and relax because “I will have arrived” and finally I can rest.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply just “do my own thing” from the perspective of not requiring to perform at a specific level so that others see me within this and as this, so that I can “be comfortable with myself” through having effectively created a picture/idea/personality of myself which is supported by me, and others as a “form” which we all agree on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my attention and energy on “building up” an idea of self, instead of existing here as breath, one breath at a time, and no longer accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my mind where in I create ideas within my mind of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how other people see me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am what others say, believe and see me as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself according to presenting myself in such a way that others agree with, and furthermore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to others, and what others say/believe/see me as in anyway whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘care’ what others think of me from the perspective of shaping/creating/defining/presenting myself in a way which will “make me feel better” based on how others define/see me through what I present to them as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better than me, and within this, constantly attempt to ‘create’ myself within comparison to others who I see/believe are better than me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not plant the most trees for my company than I am less than those that do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not planting more trees than everybody else than I am compromising myself from the perspective of what I am capable of and my abilities, and within this am existing in limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of trees I plant in relation to others is a direct reflection of my abilities in this world and the ‘success’ I will have in the system from the perspective of being successful at painting and other business ventures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others that plant more trees than me are smarter than me, more skilled than me and more disciplined than me, wherein I then experience myself as ‘down’ and “not as good” as them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘connect’ treeplanting to my future ventures within the world and believe that If I am not the best planter or one of the best planters on the crew that I will ultimately be limited in my other ventures to my performance treeplanting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my performance or ‘standard’ that I set here planting will determine my future success in this world, where in I am limiting myself where in I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and agree within myself that I am and will be “locked-in” to what I ‘achieve’ here planting, and thus I must be “one of the best” because this will determine who I will be in the future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that “the amount of money” I make here while planting will “set a standard” of my capabilities which I will locked into and that I will not be able to “break-out of” and so within this I want to do a good job.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply walk step by step, breath by breath, and allow myself expand myself within this world constantly from the perspective of not accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and participate within my mind in relation to money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear, from the perspective of money and what will happen in the future, related what I have set out to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify participating with fears/anxieties/thoughts/emotions and feelings relating to money and the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear failing and “getting stuck” without a job, which in turn will cause my plan not to work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my plan will not work out
I forgive myself that I have automatically accepted and allowed myself to expect my plan to not work out which thus cause me to go into fear and anxiety about the future, where in I simply just believe that my plan will not work out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is ‘difficult’ to set a plan in this world and have it work out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine the success or failure of “my plans” based on the what I have done/experienced in the past instead of allowing myself to walk ‘anew’ each day one breath at a time, and no longer accept and allow myself to define myself according to “who I was in the past” but actually in self walking here in breath, will and rebirth myself into this reality as effective within this world and the system in terms of support and functionality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is difficult to make money within this world. Where in I am arriving at this conclusion without even first walking the necessary steps to make sufficient money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people that are effective at making money to possess something that I do not, instead of me standing equal to them, and giving myself the gift of realizing my equality with them.

Within this Self Forgiveness I see the point of defining my future success in the world in relation to my performance within treeplanting. In connecting these two points I then went into comparison towards and with the other planters within a kind of “franticness” where I believe that “if I am not the best” here and now, that I will fail in this world, and not make it. So what I see is that I have a belief /fear inside me of failing in this world, and ending up with no money, or stuck somewhere with no money and in this no freedom, but trapped in way. And that this fear/belief was actually coming though or causing me to go into comparison in the specific way that I was/am within my job treeplanting towards others.
When I look closer at this point I see that also when I was in art school I was already participating within this construct of wanting to “be the best” which at that time I has also linked to money and freedom. And that if I was going to make it as an artist, that I had to be one of the best, as this was the only way that I would have enough money to “buy my freedom” in my life. Something that I was already at that time determined to do, to have enough money to “be free” in this world, and not have to struggle to get by.
I always liked winning races and coming in first place in my younger years, but at that stage, I had not yet linked the point to money, but more to the point of people seeing me a certain way, a point of worthiness or specialness or acceptance.
I remember when I was art school, I experienced dominance in relation to art, where I experienced myself as “above” other in this regard, where I in a way “stood over or above them” I liked this experience, as I could then speak with confidence about art and speak to them about there art where they would listen to what I had to say, and consider what I had to say as important, I liked that.
But in terms of a ‘fear’ where I triggered a fear within myself where I then feared about money was what comes up at the moment is my student loan. When I signed the papers to get my loan to go to school. It was at that step when I was around 19 or 20 years old that money was now linked to art, and that I ‘had’ to make money with my art to pay back my loan otherwise I would have to stop making art and do something else to make money to pay back my loan. So it was at that stage where the whole point of dominance I experienced and specialness in relation to others around the point of art, mutated merged with the point of money to give entire construct another layer to it.
In terms of developing a belief that I was/am unable to make money doing art, or be successful within the context of “making money” interestingly enough I see in relation to before art school when I was involved in ice hockey, where the point of playing professional hockey came into play. To play professional hockey meant making allot of money which I was aware of. Eventually it got to the point where it just seemed like “I wasn’t good enough” and in this saw or defined myself as a failure at this point which encompassed the point of “making allot of money in this world” which at this juncture of my life, I saw myself as having failed at. So in a way, believing that I will be unable to make money with my art can be related to “my past” where I failed at making money as a hockey player. Before the Hockey point I had never really considered much, if anything to make money in this world. So in a way, becoming a hockey player was my first attempt, which “in my eyes” I failed at doing, and in this saw myself as “less than” and ‘weak’.

Wanting to be the Best Worker

Posted on by

I am quite tired at the moment, it is around 9pm but I was up at 6am and my job is physically demanding. Especially when money enter the equation because when money is involved I find myself moving at a pace to make money, not something that is “natural” so to speak, That is one point I noticed about my job, is how money influence the ‘pace’ at which everything moves and “how hard” the people work. For myself I found a few times that I would end up getting hurt if I “moved to make money” then I would have to slow down and move at a pace which support my body, and not necessarily make the most possible money each day at the expense of my physical body. I find this is still quite a point though that comes up daily while I work. This point of making money and also this, in comparison to how much money other people make. I find at the end of each day, my experience of myself goes into a energetic fluctuation being ether positive or negative depending on how much money I made in comparison and relation to the other workers, instead of me simply being here with me, where my experience does not depend or rely or is determined by outside influences, I am aware of this point but find it still comes up daily. One of the points is that I like being seen as good treeplanter, Its like I experience myself as a “good planter” where others see me as a “good planter” and in a way see me as special in a way. Within this I find the experience of myself within my movements is much different, where when I go into the experience of “being seen as a good planter” its like I activate this personality of myself and feel important, and unique. Then at the end of the day when I find out that actually I was just average, and all my specialness is removed, it is as if I can no longer justify me building up myself, through generating a specific energy inside myself through participating with specific thoughts as me being special and unique and thus, I experience a kind of low. Its interesting actually because as I write about it, I actually see that In fact go into a ‘low’ energy where I actually think less of myself, and build up a negative energy of myself though judging myself, as if I am letting myself down, and the only way to ‘feel good about myself’ is to make more money than my fellow employees, so that I am the one seen in the special light. Than I can feel good about myself, but until then, I am just ordinary. I must look at this point more specifically because even though I am aware of the pattern, it has yet to stop, thus I must look at how I created this whole point throughout my life. But as for now I am going to go to sleep, I am tired.

Internet Support Structure for those Standing for Equality

Posted on by

The last few weeks have been interesting as I have gotten back into Canada and have begun establishing myself once again into this world. Reconnecting myself, plugging myself “back-in” to the matrix. This ‘integration’ back into the system has been quite a point I am currently busy walking. One of the dimensions of this “walking back into/integrating” myself back into the system has been the point of “doing this alone” from a certain perspective and experiencing the point of me walking into an environment where what I have come to understand as equality and what I have decided to “stand as” from the perspective of equality is not understood necessarily by others, and that within this, there is certain aloneness. My process of doing this has particularly been one of really being faced with ‘myself’ from this point of aloneness I mention because of the ‘way’ I have begun my integration process back into the system. My focus since returning to Canada has been the point of making money, and within placing this as priority for myself, I have not had the opportunity to “stay connected to” the internet which offers a support structure created by and through the participants of desteni to assist and support themselves and others who have decided to walk and stand as and for equality within this world. So at the moment I have had to let go of that support structure just for a moment as I get myself ‘settled’ within this world from the perspective of ensuring that I have sufficient money to support myself and be able to move and direct myself within this world. In a way there is a fear there as well, a fear that I would lose that support structure, and “get lost” within the system. So I am in a way facing this point also. Facing the point of being able to stand without the support structure which I have in a way had to do for practical reasons related to work as I get myself established.

I must say though it was a very cool experience today, as today we had a day off work and I managed to get myself to an internet connection where I could spend some time on the computer doing desteni related stuff. The ‘cool’ point was to see how the support structure on the internet of those supporting desteni and the point of equality is growing and how much this assisted and supported me within participating within this. I experienced a real point of support there, something substantial that I could/can utilize to assist and support myself in my process of “standing up” within this word. And also to see the point of others also “standing alone” in there processes where I can see that I am not actually alone in this, and that there are others also who are walking just the same as me, and facing similar points of standing up within situations and scenarios where they may experience themselves alone, or misunderstood, or frustrated, or empowered, or enjoying themselves, and in this sharing their experiences over the internet for others to see and relate to, and which may assist another in there process also. So that was a pretty cool point that came up today.

How I am Standing as the Principle of Oneness and Equality.

Posted on by

How I am standing as the principle of oneness and equality.

I stand as the principle of oneness and equality where in I stand, direct myself, live and express myself within establishing an equal system in this world which support all beings to exist equal in all ways. This means that there requires a new world system to be established. One that will support each and every single individual on the planet, as well as the nature and animal kingdom. At the moment this does not exist, not all beings on this planet are being supported equality, many die daily from starvation or war, animals are actually abused, caged and slaughtered to support the very system we have established for ourselves in this world, this atrocity towards animals being committed to support consumerism, or for the entertainment of man, not considering that animals would prefer to be left alone in their natural habitat, rather than balancing on a ball at the whip of man. I no longer support this system we have created for ourselves in this world. A system that obviously does not consider the animals as equal aspects of life. Man does not even consider itself within equality, but rather exist in a world of competition of survival of the fittest. Where man kill, rape, murder, abuse each other to come out the victor. The one on top. Thus my standing is not in support of the current system, and the current world as how it exist at the moment, but rather, I stand in support of an equal in all ways system. In my stand I direct and apply myself to bring about this change until it is here, no matter what. Within this I make myself visible within this world, and stand within this world as a visible symbol which support equality in all ways. I must become visible as to take the place of the current system which at the moment is that which is visible. One point in establishing and bringing forth of an new world system – A world system that support all equally, giving all beings an “equal footing” upon which to stand is the point of an equal money system. I stand in support of an equal money system. A system where every individual on the planet gets, as a birth right, a set amount of money each month to support them with the basic living requirements from their birth to their death. This amount established will be enough to live on, to always have food to eat and a roof over ones head, and take care of the basic needs a human being has within living in this world. Along side this will be an equal labour system where credits/money can be accumulated by working, where one receive one credit per one hour of work, no matter what job you do.
For more information regarding the equal money system please visit desteni.ca.zo
The only ones stopping us from establishing a new system that is best for ALL is ourselves. There is no way one can defend a system and a world that so clearly and visibly abuses life. As can be seen anytime one turns on the TV or computer. The system and “way of life” that currently exist is not best for ALL. In order to bring forth a new system, a new way of life, best for all we must stop existing as who we are currently existing and living as. We must from the perspective of “making room” stop participating in our lives and patterns and routines that currently take up all our time, otherwise there will be no room for anything new, just the same thing that has always existed, thus I realized I must give up my life, to establish a new one, that is best for ALL. I Cannot change if I continue to live the same way that I always have. I must actually stop and change how I live, until I transform my old way of living with a new way of living which support equality for ALL. This process will take time, and as we bring in the new system of equality, we must for the time being use the existing system as a temporary bridge until it is no longer required. Thus we cannot all simply stop working at our jobs or using money, that is not practical – it will be an emergence, a transition, and will require a discipline walk until the new system is in place, no matter how long it takes.

How to Speak and Communicate with Others

Posted on by

One of the more primary points I have faced since returning to the Matrix, to the world and begin setting up and living my life once more, after living two years on the Desteni Farm, is the overwhelmingness of everything, of the engulfing nature of the system, and specifically within this my communication with other beings. Where in the point of ‘Overwhelmingness’ comes up once again from the perspective of being faced with the point of that everyone I speak to does not have the same context so to speak, of what self honesty or self forgiveness or self responsibility or what it means to be equal or consider all life, as I have come to understand and have these points explained and shown to me. In this I have experienced a bombardment of sorts of beings speaking and living so blatantly from my perspective as systems, as predesigned ways and styles of speaking, communicating and interacting that is presented as a means of supporting specific constructs within this reality, such as to get sex, or be seen as cool, or to get attention, etc. So within this I experienced a point of overwhelmingness, and a fear that I would be swallowed up in a way, from the perspective of “how am I, one single point, supposed to stand, to last, amongst all of these other points which are everywhere and speaking the same language. I feared being amalgamated, that I would not be able to stand, and in this I experience an anxiety which comes up in my chest. This anxiety/fear is similar to the other points of fear that I had related to money where I would in a way “jump to conclusions” of what might happen, before giving myself some grace where in I actually assess my standing based on actually space time living, not simply assumptions of what may or may not happen based on nothing but projections into the future and ideas and beliefs of what might happen to me. I have had many discussions since returning to the Matrix. My First step was flying into Calgary where I had a few friends that said I could stay with them for a day or two while I got myself sorted. My experience of myself in Calgary was in a word…unsettled. It was my introduction back into the world in a way, and to friends that I knew in the past yet had stopped keeping in touch with as I began with my process, the reason being, was that they way they lived and participated within this world, was the way I was no longer participating in from the perspective of assisting and supporting myself to change and transform myself to stand as what is best for all, thus I parted ways with these people, as I could not longer live in the world “this way” meaning drinking and partying, and hanging out and not really ever getting to know myself on a level that actually made sense. So when I returned to Calgary I met with these people once again. Everything in the way they spoke I observed as a kind of code, like a fuzzy logic, where each point was preprogrammed and all you had to do was know the program to be able to interact within the group and within the code or language that the group had created for themselves. Specific tonalities were accepted, and kinds of jokes, or phrases, or different levels of sarcasm. Obviously it can be difficult to enter into a new situation and immediately get to a point of self intimacy or a more direct communication with beings, but I found myself, “sitting and waiting” allot, meaning, I experienced at times that very little was ever being said, and that there was very little direction, and so my sitting and waiting was because I usually had nothing to say or include as they spoke about whatever it was they spoke about. So I can say patients has been one of the points that I have required within my application of myself since being back, patients with others, not to expect them to be something they are not, or to understand where I coming from , but that if I was in there shoes, I would have not choice but to accept the group language and join the group to be able to live and exist in this world. So there have been a point of not allowing myself to go into judgement towards others for who they are currently existing as but to see the point for what it is, and that I cannot expect them communicate as anything other than systems as they live in the core of the system, within a big city. I must say though that this to offers one of the most enjoyable points that has opened up since being back, and that is, when the opportunity comes up to explain my perspective and communicate my perspective. I have thoroughly enjoyed creating the context for beings to be able to understand what I am saying and within what context I am speaking within. Because from their point of view they really have almost no context what so ever of where I am and what I have come to understand, it is quite fun to see where I being is and how to communicate to them from the perspective of how to create a context, a picture, a foundation for them to begin understanding and seeing what I am speaking about and where I am coming from. I experience that point as being very creative and very much enjoy that.
When I went out treeplanting this was about a week or so since getting back, I found more of the same, that being, most people if not all of them were very much focused on drinking, partying, and sex or relationship. I spent each evening in my room relaxing after work and beginning with my process of writing to assist and support myself while back in the matrix. After numerous nights of this, I did begin to experience a frustration coming up inside me with regards to “how am I supposed to communicate with these people” from the perspective of I experienced myself as very distant from them, and each night after work when they all met to “get to know each other” so to speak, it was always within the context of drinking alcohol and getting drunk which I had not interest what so ever in doing, thus I found it “difficult” to “get to know” anyone. I felt distant and like an outsider in a way, yet at the same time, had begun to enjoy time with myself as well. I see the point of self trust within this point from the perspective of not allowing myself to trust the thoughts and voices that come up in my mind saying that I a recluse or isolated and just to remain patient with the process of getting to know others, who don’t necessarily stand exactly where I stand, yet are in my world, meaning there is a point of equality within that, within the very fact that these are the people that are in my immediate environment, and within this not to dismiss them even though on the surface it can seem like we stand worlds apart.

Self Forgiveness – Stop Creating my Self, rather, be myself

Posted on by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to each day believe that I am not doing good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly attempt to ‘be more’ because I have not accepted myself as who I am, and simply express that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting my time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am currently existing as, from the perspective of letting go of the desire to ‘be more’ or do something that is ‘more’ or ‘better’ than who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be dissatisfied with myself as who I am, and how I live my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel each day that I have not done enough, and within this struggle nearly every day of my life, to live in such a way that I get enough done in that day, and I discover points about myself in that day, so that I can be satisfied with myself and accept myself, instead of living in self acceptance NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what I do or do not do, or find out, or do not find out about myself, but simply accept myself in every moment.

Why I am not satisfied with myself.

Because I feel like I am not doing a service to humanity or existence from the perspective of supporting to the degree that I will be satisfied with. Because I do not understand existence, or rather, that I do not accept my level of understanding.

This brings up and interesting point – that at times I find, I want more, I want to know more, I want to be more, I want to be capable of more, yet, I have not even become effective with what I do know, understand, and am capable of.  I have not become effective with who I currently am. So it’s a point of ‘forgetting’ simplicity. From the perspective of taking who you are, or who I am currently, and working with that, and not requiring to know more, or be more, in order to be effective, but first, get effective with who I am currently.

So the point is, I do not have to become something I am not, I simply have to express me. Allow myself to express me as who I am and who I am naturally. Not trying to be better or more, but take who I currently am, and apply that, so to speak. And within this become effective with who I am. So it is not to look “out there” for that ability to “be who I desire to be” in so that I will be satisfied with how I live my life,  but to accept myself, and be myself, and express myself

So what is self expression then!

How I will be satisfied with my life, if I express myself in self honesty.

Because I will be effective in supporting others, Then what I say is not a lie, if it is me expressing myself in self honesty. And I will be satisfied because I will then no longer be misunderstood, because what I express, and what I express is me in fact, which cannot be disputed.

With being myself, I do not have to rush, to be somewhere else, or become something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself within writing, because I am attempting to move as fast as possible to build myself up as fast as possible, because I have not accepted myself. And within this not yet having accepted myself, I strive to create someone better, someone who is satisfied. And thus, within attempting to create this ‘someone’ I ‘rush’ through everything to hopefully, finally arrive a point where I am someone I want to be, and than within this can finally rest for a moment and be here. Instead of stopping, and accepting myself in this moment, and within this allow myself to be here in this moment.

Here as in, not needing to create myself into something better, or more, not requiring to get everything done so I can be satisfied with myself.

You cannot create yourself, you are yourself. So not matter what you do, you are not actually able to create yourself. Thus you do not change, ever, nothing ever changes, change is an illusion. I have always been who I am, and I always will be this.

Life Experience – Looking at my Past – Sept 26/2009

Posted on by

My experience.

I was supposed to do a muscle communication session with Miate today but postponed going to her and setting up a time, and actually doing it. Rather I suppressed the point. I found/find that within this suppression I actually notice I subjugate myself to others, like a lowering myself , and ‘counting myself out’ like, I am not worthy, only I see that I am the one who deliberately does this to myself, where I diminish myself.  So where in my life did I have a similar situation and experience where there was a “task” or “skill” that everyone was learning, and within this, I was not good enough to do it so was left out in the end.

Grade 6 – Problem Solving

When I was in grade 6, there was “brainstorming group” There was 4 of us that were chosen to represent our school in an eventual branstorming challenge event thingy. When they approached me to ask if I would like to be a part of the team, I was very surprised. And at the same time, honored, I was like – “wow, they picked me out of everyone here, that’s so cool, I must be smarter than I thought” – Because I had never seen myself as smart or brainy. I saw the opportunity as, they picked me, even though I wasn’t a smart kid, but in a way I had potential, so I saw them as trying me out to see if I could do it.

The other three kids in the group were considered smart kids.

So we began to have meetings, basically we would work with problem solving. We would do exercises where we would do word association stuff, like one person would say a word and then the person next to that person would say another word in relation to one just said, and we would go around in a circle, speaking what ever came up. I found I would always hesitate when it came to my turn, and felt much of the times like the other kids would have to explain to me what it was we were doing. It was somewhat humiliating, because for some reason I just did not fit, and so I did not really like going to do the exercises, because I just felt out of place.

Then one day the teacher had an announcement – the contest was a few weeks away and they were only allowed to take three of the kids, so one would have to be a spare. Immediately I knew that would be me. In that moment I saw the other kids as more capable than myself. I really wanted to be able to do it, but in the end, I even voted myself out. Because we took a vote and when my name came up, I even put up my own hand. I saw that the other kids worked better together, they just fit, because they were kind of similar, I was the odd ball, out.

So I voted myself out, partly because I suspected that I would be voted out anyways, so in a way I was attempting to save myself some dignity by ‘choosing’ to vote myself out, even though the writing was already on the wall.

So within that experience, I experienced myself within a form of humiliation, the kind where, I am completely exposed and it is obvious to everyone that I am ‘incapable’ so to speak. That’s why its humiliating, because its out in the open for all to see.

I felt that I never really expressed myself in the group. That I was afraid to, and that I was tentative. Like I closed up, and was nervous to express myself.

I found much of the time this has been me within groups, afraid to make myself know, and express myself openly.

I find a similar experience happening with muscle communication. I feel incapable of being able to do it, and find that I experience a form of humiliation the entire time. And like the brainstorming group, I feel like I am holding the others back, so in this moment, would vote myself out, because I see the others as more capable.

Its like, there was an opportunity to do it, and I have been unable to express myself within muscle communication, but find more so that I am not willing to open up, and place myself self out there for all to see. But rather contract, and

hold myself back within muscle communication.

So more and more, as muscle communication continues I feel “out of the group” and on the side lines, and dejected.

And now I must make peace with this dejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am less than others, that others are more holy than me, and better than me, instead of realizing that in fact, we are all exactly the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the words other people think, and believe that because they are able to speak words of oneness and equality, that they are “better” than me, instead of realizing the truth that we are all exactly the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be feel dejected from the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I don’t fit into the world, and within this feel dejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better and more special than me, and that they are living there lives in some powerful marvelous way, where in I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others, when at the end of the day, all here on this planet are actually living life in exactly the same way as me, meaning we are all existing within limitation and dejection, no matter what anyone sais.

Self forgiveness – Distance/DIE – STANCE – Sept 24/09

Posted on by

Distance – Die Stance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because at the moment I much more prefer to keep a distance from others in support, meaning, that I feel more comfortable assisting and supporting others through means such as writing and art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and be somebody I am not, because I have not accepted the fact that I prefer to support from a distance.

I forgive myself that for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because I, at the moment, feel much more comfortable and at home when I assist and support from a distance, within such tasks as drawing and writing, for instance, than I do when working up close and personal with another, where I am actually speaking with them and working with their body.

The point I see is that ‘information’ intimidates me so to speak. Where I have found within my life that I have always tended to avoid the use of information, which now has ended up as me being distant from others in that I do not want to use information or specific words to assist and support them, because I have not learned how to effectively use information to assist and support a being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to another one on one, within a scenario where I am actually assisting and supporting them, because I feel I am not specific enough to support them using words/information, thus I fear being embarrassed when the person realize that I am not effective using information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a distance from others, within assisting and supporting them, because I see myself as not yet capable of effectively supporting another within using information words, thus allowing my experience of muscle communication to be one of fear and frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within frustration in and around the process of muscle communication.

I forgive myself that, from the beginning, I saw myself as less capable than other within muscle communication, in that it does not come naturally to me, as in I was not/am not programmed to work with information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a big a thing out of muscle communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I have not been effective within muscle communication.

I used Muscle communication to test out the thought pattern of – “I am not strong enough”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I tested the right point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the point that I tested out because I experienced doubt and uncertainty within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when the experience of uncertainty comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I am, specifically when working on projects for example, when I was in school I was never considered smart or intelligent, which I wanted to be. I found projects  and working with information, such as sorting it, organizing it, gathering it, never came easy to me, and within this I judged myself. This type of work was not a natural expression for me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see when things do not work for me, because I just do not want to accept that I am unable to do something effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to admit to myself when something does not work.