Category Archives: Self forgiveness – Purification

Resonant Resistance – Back Doors – Establishing Clarity – Oct 24th/2010

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Resonant Resistance - Back Doors - Establishing Clarity - Oct 24th/2010   Hi,everyone. Today I went again to my job on the horse ranch. Today I was going to work with the girl there who , “runs everything” So this would be a good indicator as to see if the job is going to work or not. If anyone has read my previous two blogs I wrote about this point, and in particular the resistance that was “coming up”, that I was experiencing inside myself as I walked through this job each day. Today was much of the same, but in a way even more resistance. What I see is that this resistance is actually in relation to the people mostly, not the actual physical duties of the job, which I see I am effective within and the part with working with the horses, see that I am capable of this and just require time simply to get comfortable. I began to experience a headache, and upper back/shoulder pain nearing the end of the day. I experienced myself within a clenched expression similar to that I wrote about previously. I felt I was not able to speak openly to the being I was working with and at times experienced a “gap”  in-between where I was standing and where she was standing, and that to “close” that gap may not actually be possible, though in a way this is a kind of speculation. I was looking at this point quite intently, looking at the practicality of this job working out, and looking at my experience of feeling closed in, boxed in, suffocated, in a way, and “not knowing” if I would actually be able to express me within this situation/environment, from the perspective of if I actually express me as who I am, and what I stand for, it would cause “to much” friction. I cannot make people change, and I see the point of in order for this job to work, it will require work, and effort, and the resonant experience of myself was quite stressed and strained, and so I simply look within me and see, am I able to walk this point, because in essence I will be walking this point alone, meaning, I cannot expect these beings around me to change. Particularly within observing the context within which I have placed myself, that being a Business, related to and constructed around the “family matrix” so it is quite heavy from a certain perspective. Interesting I experienced this same point on the Farm when I was in the agreement with Andrea. It’s Like a ‘massive resistance’ where I experienced myself as being constantly in a stress, and so we worked with this point from the perspective of understanding, as well has having interviews with our resonances and Bernard for support in being able to ‘move’ the resonances. So this experience of myself within this environment is similar, and now I am alone and have no support as I did on the farm so in this really see this point as not working out. So simply will let this point go. Its quite a fuck up that beings can’t get along, And I mean with this girl I was working with today, it was almost unspeakable in a way what the point actually is, but its just like down there deep there are these two points that are simply not working at all, not aligning , and creating a discord. Eventually this will “blow up” So back to the drawing board to find a job in this world in the Matrix. Now looking at a point which will empower me within this world so to speak. Like a practical skill that is actually required in this world. Oh ya, interesting point here as well in the comparison of this job experience to my agreement I had with Andrea. Fascinating how these two points are so comparable but I experience myself resonantly very similar, and exactly the same on some points, one of them being related to “the back door” I ‘wanted’ the agreement to work. I ‘want/wanted’ this job to work. But when I look “down the road” I see that there is this fuzziness. The same kind of fuzziness I saw when “looked down the road” of the agreement. So I see this as “a back door point” where actually, I have a back door, am not committed to the point, but will actually take the back door, when it arrives. So pretty cool actually to have this agreement point as a reference here, because who knows how long I would have ‘strung’ this job along, all the while knowing inside myself that “I am unable to commit to the point” So now I see here that this is what is going on, that I actually am not able to commit here, but only making myself believe that I am able to, like a point of self delusion in a way. So I am simply going to let this point go, and as mentioned go “back to drawing board” and find a point I can/am able to commit to, so that there is no “fuzziness” so to speak, but certainty, clarity, and understanding.

Finding a Job in this World – Resistances in Relation to Job/People – Oct 24/2010

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Finding a in this World - Resistances in Relation to Job/People - Oct 24/2010 Went to work again today at the horse Ranch. Really enjoyed working with and being around the animals there. I also enjoy the this particular point with the guy who I am working with who actually is getting me to do everything, and really throwing me in the deep end. This is how I like to take things on. Though in a way he is still there as a stabilizing trust point as I walk through the procedures. Like today one of the tricky tasks is leading two horses into the stable at once, where one has to lead them through this single door way and into their stables. And so today as I did this, I arrive at the door to find that it has been deliberately closed so that I can “practice” opening the door myself, while holding two horses. I managed, not to gracefully through I might add. But what I want to look at today particularly is this point I have coming up in relation to the guy I am working with and also towards people and the job in general. I experienced myself as being “closed in” today. I experience this point where I simply “hold myself” within this kind of expression, but find that this is actually a kind of suppression, as I have in a way have taken the role of “one is learning” and so find that in this I don’t actually really express me, but more suppress myself from the perspective of making sure I “do everything right” and also expressing myself within the design of this teacher student construct/scenario where I make sure that within my expression I stay within the point of “being the student” So this is quite a fuck up. A point that I experienced saw today, was the point of my “aversion” towards people, where my experience towards the guy I am working with is like, dead in a way, where I really am just holding and stopping myself from really going into any experiences at all towards this person, or even towards the job itself. Though I allow myself to enjoy the animals. Today at lunch the guy training me, his name is Ricardo, he is from Mexico, asked me if I liked working here, and when he asked he was not making small talk, he wanted a straight answer you could say, which was actually pretty cool because this was actually a point of intimacy as I see it, so cool to see this being able to “go there” In any case, I was afraid to give my real answer. Why, because from a certain perspective, I assume that “it won’t be understood” but might be ‘interpreted’ in a certain kind of way. I mean, I don’t feel like I can really say, that I experience myself “holding myself together” Ok, but got off point here. The question that came up today was in relation to the resistance/experience  I was having. Where I just “wondered” in a way, what the fuck was really going on here. What is this actual resistance I am experiencing? I don’t feel like I am able to express myself within this context and workplace – now this is quite odd, because it is a quite ‘normal’ workplace so to speak, not unlike you would find anywhere else within this world, So the point I see within this is that I actually am just uncomfortable around people, and the resistance I experience towards people, has nothing to do with what I apparently perceive them to be doing, but rather is actually points that I have created within my self in how I have established myself in relation to other beings in my world. Like from the perspective of, if I don’t get close to beings, then I won’t face those points of resistance. Its like I experienced myself today, walking around, and no matter what I said, or did, or agreed with, there was this frequency of detestment, or resentment, or kind of like a bitterness towards particularly this being that was training me. Like a general aversion to the being. I experience this “off-ness” while I am there, like Ok there are some elements that are cool – but what the fuck is this “off-ness” that sits within every frequency of my being, like a disharmonic cord that resonate in every point and every expression of myself while I am there. Even when I am apparently ‘comfortable’ I still experience this disharmonic resonance at the “bottom” of it all. Fascinatingly enough, similar to the point I experience in the agreement I had on the desteni farm. Like a point that is just fucking off, and it is like this tiny point, but yet, there it is, permeating through the entire expression of the point. So I am going to continue walking here within this point and see whats up. I in a way look at this point as being related to “future projections” where I have created expectations and beliefs about how everything is supposed to work out and what is expected of me, and within this – a point of resistance emerge. Where I see myself as expected to do this and do that and do this and do that, and then from within this ‘aversion’ emerge inside me, within this expectation I have created of what is expected of me, which I don’t see myself actually fulfilling. Like I want one thing And they want another And these points don’t align And as such the point will not work So I cannot pretend it will or hope it will But I am going to walk more within this point because I simply want to see what the fuck is going on here, and see if I can push through some of these resistances which I see as not valid from the perspective of they are resistances and reactions, and that any resistance or reaction is not valid.    

Working on Horse Ranch – Daily Writing – Oct 22/2010

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Today I went to work today at a horse ranch. I was up at 6:00am because I had to drive 45min out of town to get the ranch. I am basically “doing a trial run” to see if this job is going to work out for me. So within this point I am ‘deciding’ what I am going to do for work for the future, maybe even for the next year. I have been living here in the city the for the last month and half, and starting looking for and applying to adds for jobs here in the city, mostly related to construction as there is allot of that going here. Though I don’t have any “system recognition” in these fields so not sure if this has anything to do why I have not gotten any strong leads. A few interviews but no call backs. Anyways I also applied to this add for a “Barn Assistant Manager” Which is quite different from say working here in the city, as this job is out on a ranch of about 200 acres, where in I would actually move out and live on the ranch in a place there.  Initially they “went with someone else” but that never worked out so they called me and asked me to come out today to work to see how it goes. I arrived at 7:30 after driving 130km down the highway to get there on time – didn’t realize it was so far away, I was thinking that “that that wasn’t a good sign” I find I have been doing this in a way, like attempting to “read the patterning” of the events, to get an idea of what I am heading into. I mean “knocking  over and smashing a 1000 dollar lamp” at the furniture job I was busy with is an interesting symbol of sorts – Like in a way smashing all possibilities of ever working there again. I notice that I have this fear of working at this ranch related to a point that came up when I was staying on the farm in South Africa. Where I fear, “cutting myself off” from the world, or “not placing myself effectively”  Like in a way where I “go into a waiting” instead of a participating you can say, and so I fear “locking myself into this point again” as I just “got out of this point” when I decided to come back to Canada and begin directing myself here. I have been experiencing this point come up quite a bit in relation to working on this farm/ranch.  Like the whole time thoughts coming up saying to myself that “I shouldn’t be doing this” or that “this is not the right way” or “something is off here”. So today I simply went out to work there and simply see the point of actually just going there and walking within the point and seeing if what is coming up inside me is valid in any way what so ever or if this is simply just fear stuff, where in I will see in the actual real walking of the point that it is nothing like I ‘expect’ I mean, I don’t really have rent and food money for next month also, so here with this opportunity I would actually be placing myself into a more stable financial position than I am currently. Ok, but enough observer shit – I want to get into my daily walking experience of myself. I was nervous because I was 10 minutes late, and not sure if they were waiting for me or if they were going to be ok with me being a bit late. I showed up and Ricardo, the Guy who is training me was busy with the horses and I simply announced myself and we continued with doing the daily tasks- no verbal mention of me being late, maybe a slight resonance friction though coming through, although this could have only be from me. It was nice to be around animals again, and I stepped right in with putting the blankets on the Horses that were in the stable, as we prepared to take them out. I think they have around 50 horses there are the moment. So was cool, here my experience with working on the desteni farm with horses actually provided me with a reference point for this job, quite fascinating actually, without that experience I had on the desteni farm working with horses, this job would not be possible. And the horse industry around the area I am in is apparently pretty big – Hence the nickname of my city – “CowTown”. So I proceeded to go into each stable and put the blankets on the horses. Some of them stable, some a little jumpy, but overall stable. Some where little devious, like this big guy...first thing he did when I got in there is grab the edge of the blanket with his teeth and held on and wouldn’t let go, now obviously this made it so I couldn’t put the blanket on because he had the thing in his mouth. I definitely had to laugh with myself because it was quite funny. Eventually after some tugging he let go, and I placed the blanket on him. I was a bit nervous, because afterall I am now encountering many different animals so start to see reactive points now moving inside of me, points that don’t necessarily come up when one is alone typing in front of the computer. So when with other beings, this stuff comes up. Interesting to, fears and stuff related to being bit or kicked by horses started surfacing as well. I mean We were quite particular on the Desteni Farm with the horses, and here they just threw me right in. Shit we also went out to this big field where this mare and colt were with this stallion and I had to lead the mare and colt out as the other guy distracted the stallion because the stallion would not approve of us taking away the mare and colt. So I led the mare out and the colt simply followed close by, so there was not need to put a harness on colt as it followed closely by its mothers side. I had a reactive point come up today as well in relation to how the animals are being treated there, from the perspective of how animals, in this case horses have been placed according to and within this world system, and current money system. Here the animals are caged and placed in such a way that accommodate profit. I mean what the fuck else do you expect. Obviously this is unavoidable anywhere within this current system as all points are related to, shaped, formed and structured around money, profit and greed. This is why I stand as what is best for all and stand for a new equal money system. So that this scenario will no longer exist where animals are fucking marginalized as points within this world to facilitate the creation of money, and where there actually experience is not taken into consideration or bothered with at all in terms of being equal and one with humans. So I see I had/have a reaction/judgment in relation to this point, though I see that “it is simply this way at the moment” and to actually change this will take some long term movement and dedication and walking as what is best for all. It will simply not change over night. Another reaction I noticed coming up quite prominently in relation to working at this place is the point of “family”. This is a family owned business, and so found myself  reacting to/judging this point extensively where I have actually created quite a reaction inside myself  in relation to this point. Why – Because I see/experience the point of family to represent that of suppression, where a being is not actually able to “think and do for themselves” but always must do “what is right and accepted within the family construct” I see this point specifically in relation to my mother coming up here. Where I see that I absolutely limit myself around my mother from the perspective of still placing myself within a point of “lesser than” from the perspective of seeing it as no-use to attempt to reason or try to change her, but in a way, just accept my expression around her as such, and “wait it out” Today I was introduced to “the mother” of the girl that called me for the interview and immediately when straight into a point of judgment/reaction. See here a point of enslavement, of suppression, where now I will have to limit and compromise myself and twist and hold myself as “being this picture presentation” in relation to “the mother” in so that “she likes me” and allow me to keep my job. I mean Fuck, I was always “such as nice boy” you polite, someone you could introduce to your mother, and I would not cause any friction, saying all the right things. Jezzuss Fuck. What fucking bullshit – So this point came up in that moment, and like experiencing myself within a kind of contraction/restriction coming up. It is quite interesting because as I walk within my world, and encounter people and meet people, like for example my roommates, and new these people at this job, I am always checking to see “what the being is going to face” meaning, I see what I will not accept and allow, and as such this being will face this point within being within my world, and then I ask myself the question of, will the being actually be able to handle this or will there be to much friction. I have been noticing a point similar to what Viktor posted about on the forums in relation to ‘grace’. And that one cannot just simply confront a being on a point, but must actually look and see where that being is within there process, and assist them from this starting point, not simply demanding unreasonable demands where the being is actually not even able to understand what you are talking about. So at this farm, I am looking at these points. Am I able to bring these beings to a point of understanding of what I am doing, and who I am, because I have no interest in suppressing myself, though it may take time to in a way lay the proper foundation for them to see who I am, and not simply see a bald headed cult member. Because I don’t know if there is a situation out there where beings within this process are not faced with the point of standing amongst those who really have no clue what they are about. So it is not to simply dismiss a situation or a being, because one perceive, believe that they won’t , don’t get it. So in any case this ‘family’ point is probably the most prominent resistance/reaction point coming up with working at this farm.  What is interesting here is that I noticed what this reaction I was having actually was. It was a judgement. I was/am actually judging these beings, and not actually remaining here as myself, constant in every moment, but am actually judging beings for how they are currently existing , and in a way “wanting to run from this” believing that “I can run from this” like “oh there is too much friction here, gotta find somewhere else” well, it occurs to me – What the fuck is this friction point! I mean here I am having quite an extensive reaction, which is actually showing me a resistance point /judgement that I have created within and as me, so why not face the point and walk through it, rather than seeing it as “avoidable” and “a good reason to go elsewhere” So here I simply realize that this reaction to the ‘family’ point is a reaction, and is not valid as a point from the perspective of it directing me instead of me directing myself and standing. They were also playing country music – holy fuck, the programming here is extensive, especially in terms of god, religion, family, relationship and creating a very specific picture in relation to how this should all go and what one should attain to in this world from the perspective of having the “perfect life” I mean obviously all music does this currently, but today I was exposed to country music specifically and how it create this very particular image,fantasy,picture  of a desired outcome. Music is like the glue that holds it all together in a way. Creating, and maintaining those specific emotional energetic connections where when a being listen to a certain song, all the pictures light up, now within the melody, one goes into emotional experience as they see the image in there mind, and experience an emotional movement. Fuck Mu-SICK,  simply assist and support holding this system together, and not allow beings to change. One more point we will all have to let go of. So will see how this point goes with the Job. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within energy towards or in relation to any point what so ever. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify or validate a reaction point towards family, seeing this as a ‘valid’ reaction, when in fact it is simply a point of energy which I have not yet purified within myself in relation to what exist here as this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing this point of ‘mother’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘upsetting mother’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is valid reason for a mother to become upset instead of seeing that in fact this is just an emotional reaction charge that the being as the mother has not actually taken responsibility for yet. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mothers are always right, and there is nothing I can do in these situations but suppress myself and agree. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear shattering the mother construct I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “go into the emotional response/reaction point” in relation to the point of mother, instead of Stopping in that moment, and realizing that in fact this is a reaction, and simply stopping ALL reaction points, and realizing here before me, that this is not a mother, but in fact an equal as myself, a being, one and equal as life, and from this perspective I am able to communicate with and interact with the being from this perspective. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions I have, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the perfect situation for me will be one where there is little conflict.

The Burden of Money – Exploring Emotional Reaction Point – Oct 18th/10

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Ok, I am going to focus Here on a Particular Event which happened today. The event occurred at the furniture store where I have been helping out periodically assembling furniture and assisting with moving items around the show room. One of the cool points about the store is that it is an opportunity for me to “remain here” and aware of myself within my environment as this furniture is quite expensive and I am often moving items around and must be sure not to knock into something or leave a mark on something, so one must be quite focused and deliberate with each movement while moving the furniture. I have also been wondering about a job interview that I was supposed to here back from today, so noticed that this thought would come up while I was working. At one point after setting up some lamps I decided to check my messages, and to my relief I noticed that someone had left a message on my phone and I figured it was about a potential job. So yes there was both excitement and relief coming up in this moment. So I checked my messages and it was related to a construction job in order to arrange an interview with me for tomorrow.  That was pretty, cool, I mean, yes the furniture store is what it is, but was quite temporary from my point of view. So this was a pretty cool point, I could really see myself working in this job, and as I looked at this point I noticed certain experiences coming up inside me, as I observed myself there on the job site SMASH!!!...Back to reality. I was so busy now looking at this point, off in my mind, that I “lost touch” with the moment here and had bumped without noticing one of the brand new glass lamps that I had just set up. No doubt to be sold for around 1000.00. It fell over and smashed to pieces, which brought me back out of the mind instantly only to realize what I had done , being so preoccupied with this new job potential, in my mind, ended up knocking over and smashing one of the glass lamps. Fuck. Was my immediate reaction. I stood there, in a way, seeing that I had done that which I actually feared doing since I arrived at the store, which was knocking something over and/or causing damage to one of the expensive pieces of furniture. This entire point created and focused around the point of money and how it is currently functioning within this reality and inside human beings. I experienced shame/self judgement/I deserve to be punished immediately firstly because I see that I was in my mind which is why I knocked the lamp over. So there exist here the point of how I have accepted and allowed me to define myself as this being something that “is so typical” or “so like me” to do. Here I see myself within this kind of “irresponsibility” and “inevitable fuck-up” like sure I am a good help, but “I come with mistakes” I have judged myself quite a bit around this point of where I see myself as the one that always makes a mistake, so here the point of “not good enough” coming up. Like I see myself as a structure with this “weak point” or “holes” which always come through in everything that I do. A point where I simply “loose focus” and that this point separate me from “the smart ones” “the capable ones” “the ones that can be trusted” and “relied upon” where I am not one of these beings, and cannot be relied on because I make mistakes that cost. I see that I have always kind of seen myself in this light, like I am the one who when things got tough, wouldn’t be able to pull through, and didn’t have the ‘compeleteness’ to actually do something 100 percent. Its like the acceptance of myself as less than complete, as not whole, as missing something within myself, where there is just an empty, space, like a blank out in me– Ok I wasn’t even going to discuss this initial point but now I see that it is also quite a prominent point within my design which was active here. So this is specific and will now take this into consideration as I lay out the next point and look to see where and how they are related or inter-linked. The next point has specifically to do with money. As I now went into a point of fear where I feared how the owner would react. Up until that point my relationship with the owner had been pretty cool, I saw myself as being effective within the job and saw that the owner felt this way about me also. So now here I was, breaking this lamp worth a 1000 dollars and now losing the company money, so there the point of money as how it has been created and designed within this world and within myself and in this case the owner was now playing-out. The owner never reacted much ‘outwardly’ but I am sure had many internal reactions which she refrained from expressing. Although this is irrelevant from the perspective of actually sorting out my own reaction. I got really quiet after this happened and felt as though I had done something really wrong. I could see that my reaction was actually based on the design of money, though I still went into the reaction of, fear inside me of what the owner really think of me, I hoped that she was not mad at me and judging me even through she was not saying anything. I saw inside of myself her judging me, I saw her actually being angry and upset because the vase cost lots of money. Also the point of seeing that she did not want to work with me anymore. I did not speak of my reaction inside myself and actually open up the point in self honesty and express how I really felt. I did not even consider doing this. I saw this reaction/experience I was having, and that it was in fact quite a dominating reaction, which is why I am here now looking at this point more specifically and opening this point up, to see why and how I designed this entire emotional reaction because this point came over me and possessed me completely. The reaction was not an elaborate one in an extroverted kind of way, it was a silent reaction, I experienced an energy wave come over me like a dark cloud , where it just kind “set-in” I would then avoid looking the owner in the eye, as I was ashamed of myself and also now the personality of myself that I had worked so hard to establish as being reliable, ‘shattered’, with the shattering of the lamp, and there I was, vulnerable, and in the open, as I had “made a mistake” The money point is quite prominent here as this ‘mistake’ was in a way quite a “large one” from the perspective of the ‘value’ placed on it through and because of ‘money’. This point was not assessed through the actual physical transaction that occurred but rather defined completely according to money and thus, I did not simply shatter some glass, I had from my perspective, placed another in a point of compromise where in I cost them money, and take money off of their pay. So this was the main reason for my reaction, and could not look the owner in the eye for the rest of the day, Because in a way I experienced the point as if she was now paying for me, where I am like a actual burden on the owner. I experienced myself like an actual Burden on the owner, regardless of what she said or did. This was the experience that I was having inside of me. I felt low, and at the end of the day one of the other employees asked if I was tired. I wasn’t tired, though experienced this reaction point of me being a burden now to the owner and the store, where this point of me being a burden exist in relation to the point of money, and this experience I was now going though was not cool. I see this point in relation to my mother, as in a way my relationship to the owner I see being similar in nature and construct to that of my mother. Where she was like the supportive point and I was like the helper. I sometimes felt like a burden on my mother in terms of money. This “emotional experience” of being the burden though only came up more obviously later in life, and after art school. I am not seeing a definitive point coming here although there is memory of myself as a child being at the laundry mat with my mother. This memory is simply popping up here, although I cannot see this connection of where I would have formed and moulded this point of myself as being the burden from the perspective of money in relation to my mother or another She used to give us money when we went to the laundry mat so that we could go around the corner and buy candy. Still not seeing the connection. How about a point where I experienced myself as a burden or kind of debt in relation to another being where I was a burden for them, and there in formed the idea of myself as being a burden, like a debt, a weight upon them, which eventually play-out in relation to money. This here seem like more the ‘creation’ point of this design, not necessarily in relation to money initially, so to explore this point from this perspective. I am going to stop there for tonight.

The Gift of Responsibility – Oct 17/10

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A Clarification/Self Correction with Regards to Self Responsibility.   I have realized a point with regards to Self Responsibility where I have seen within myself and my world where I was accepting and allowing a point of limitation. This revealed as I was busy searching for a job. As I would go through each listing, and explore different possibilities, I noticed that some jobs in particular “called-for” a certain degree of Responsibility and commitment of the individual. When applying for jobs of this nature, I ‘observed’ the point of where I would think to myself that if I were to do that job, I would really be taking on a point of responsibility and in that I would be able to develop myself within this point of responsibility. What I noticed though was that in doing this I was actually accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the point of self responsibility that exist Here in every moment, from the perspective of believing that I must first have a job which demanded commitment and responsibility before I was apply to be responsible or committed. I had abdicated this point of self responsibility and commitment from myself Here, to a point “out there”, as a job, which if I had, would then require me to be responsible and committed. I have realized within this that I was limiting myself from the perspective of not considering the point of actually taking on responsibility and commitment HERE as Myself in each and every moment, and not “wait” in order to this, in by first having a certain job that allowed me to be responsible and committed. I had abdicated and separated myself from “my power” as myself HERE in the moment. Not allowing myself to Walk Absolute Self Responsibility and Commitment Here as myself in every moment. I do not have to wait for job to do this. Thus within this realization I correct myself in by seeing and realizing that the point of self responsibility is able to walked HERE in each and every moment as myself. No more waiting, so to speak. But rather I direct myself HERE within my world in this point of responsibility that I observed and seen within certain specific jobs. I realize that I do not require a job first to be responsible, and walk dedication, commitment, and self responsibility, but that this is something that Self Must Walk in every moment and every breath. Thus Self Responsibility is Here as Myself and I no longer accept and allow myself to limit myself within the believe that I am not able to develop the point of self responsibility from where I stand in this moment. I give me back my power, and as I see that in waiting, I am only coming up with excuses and justifications as to why or how my current situation is not good enough, or does not have the right aspects to be able to develop me in the way that I want. I no longer accept and allow this abdication of myself as self responsibility and self commitment. I see that I was only limiting myself within my expression and application of self and thus Stand Corrected Here as myself, and apply myself within the ‘absolute’ point of self responsibility and self commitment that I had perceived to be out there somewhere. Thus, this gives new ‘meaning’ so to speak. To getting up in the morning. And no more accepting and allowing myself to exist within a point of not standing up within my world, in every moment of my world as self responsibility, commitment, and dedication, no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, no matter if I am at a job or not, as I see that in not doing this is now only an excuse within self ignorance as I see the point of being able to stand as absolute Self Responsibility HERE in every moment. Self Responsibility is the Gift I give to myself as I will myself to Direct myself within my world as the absolute point of self responsibility and no longer separate me from this possibility, from this Responsibility. And no longer accept and allow the limitation of believing that the “greater responsibility” lies “out-there” somewhere. It is Here as Myself , though it is required to be walked, embraced, and lived as myself where I bring this realization into and as myself as a living application of Self.

Writing out my Day – Excess Energy – October 16

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Up at 7:00 this morning, I find each morning I experience a disappointment that it is now morning time. Its like the first initial thought/experience that comes up like, ohh nooo, its morning...already. Anyways I never went into the point, I just got up. I did some writing this morning about my job because I noticed still that there was a fear that kept coming up inside me with regards to the job. So I waited today to hear if I would be getting the job or not, and found it a challenge to not go into those moments of wondering if I would or wouldn’t get the job, and how that would out-flow in my life. I never herd back from them so, who knows what the deal is. I experience actually a relief from this, like “I never really wanted the job anyways” It was a similar experience when I decided not to go to the states to do software, like  point of relief. Though I see the point coming up here of it not really mattering where one is and that ones experience of self is determined by self and is not limited to where self is. But I did experience a relief today when I did not get the call back for the job. Mainly because this means that I can still work but, in a way will be able to retain a degree of flexibility for what to do in the future. So I applied for some construction type jobs today, joyfully might I add with much less resistance than a few days ago. I am much more stable within this point now of applying for a full-time job, and I am looking at the trades, like construction or renovation stuff as skills that I would like to become proficient in. So am applying for some jobs like this at the moment as well. I would say I had a slow day, just reading and writing mostly. I went out to get groceries, much of my life has been like this recently like just very basic day to day stuff. My Friend just returned home now, I can here him upstairs talking. I just now had the urge to get up and close the door. The point of Keeping People Locked out of my world. I was looking at this point today of how I ‘react’ to people still and how in a way I have isolated myself in my room and away from people which has been somewhat easy to accommodate due to the fact that I basically have no more friends as I have stopped my participation in what those friendships represented, and so found/find it difficult to form new intimate relationships with others because I have not interest in participating in what is generally accepted as “normal conduct” So in this taking a bit of time to establish – friendships that is- I have much of my time has been with just me by myself, which has been cool, as I have found a certain stability of myself that I had not ever had before. So I am seeing that that is something to build on. Though my pattern in my life has been one of isolation and aloneness and I was quite satisfied with how things were going on the farm in South Africa because I was placed in a situation where there were many people around and within this I become much more accessible to people, where now I see myself as being more closed off in a way. What else. I noticed I have a pimple on my forehead and I was like ‘shit’ because I have to go to help out in the furniture store tomorrow and there is this girl there that is my age, and I see the point of me wanting to be a perfect picture representation to this being. Quite a fuck up this, seeing here that the point of myself as actually walking and living as a Life is not yet in place and far from given that I still react to a pimple on my head, showing the nature of myself as my mind in how I have created myself as reactions, and thoughts, and experiences throughout my life. Still not yet at a stage of actually walking equal to life and equal to the physical where “a pimple” is not seen/experienced as a ‘detriment’ to self but actually a supportive point of the body actually releasing some shit. Another point, I have noticed myself being quite filled with this energetic charge throughout my day. It is actually quite extensive. I experience it like an energetic current that runs through my entire body. Normally I would have went into chewing my nails as a way to ‘cope’ with this but now that I have stopped that, I am seeing that there is this energy current in my body quite a bit during my day, so like when I sit down to write or read or something, this current is like magnetizing my body. And I become fidgety. I see this at the moment of simply the outflow of all the thoughts and constructs, running, and turning, and interacting within me from the perspective of Our world is Our responsibility, in that if I am going to allow this stuff to exist as myself, than I will face it equal and one. There is not escaping. Thus there is this energetic current that has become annoying  that just fills me up. Its like I have committed to stopping the actions which allow for the perpetuation and regeneration of these energies where in certain specific acts I would discharge specific energy related to specific constructs. Now within stopping the actions, I find that I must also along with this stop the accumulation of this energy through actually effectively stopping thoughts and experiences inside of me, otherwise the energy just build up in my body and I become electrified and fidgety. I am going to sleep now, Goodnight.

Daily Writing and Looking at a Fear Point – Oct 15/10

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Got up this morning, at 7:30 I experienced myself as more stable than the day before. So I am slowing down and getting back to simplicity. At the moment just focusing on self here and stopping thoughts, feelings, emotions, energies, urges, positive, negative, and just using self here as breath as the reference point. I wrote some this morning about this point of stabilizing myself. I realized that I was quite lost over this last week, and it was an eye opener to see how simple it is to end up going off into the mind, and just getting trapped up there. So I am stabilizing  myself again, getting back to simplicity and getting back to breath. Just me as the absolute simplicity as the reference point. I drove into town today and decided to buy some more display stuff for my art sale coming up in a few weeks. I have enjoyed creating “little products” out of the work, and packaging it up nice and presenting it. Its cool. So I will see what kind of response I get this time at the sale, I never sold anything last time, so see if the “new packaging” as an influence on the people. I made a drawing today...finally. I have not done much drawing at all since getting back into Calgary. I started with a few previously but then just kind of let the point fade away again. So it was nice to sit down and do some drawing. I experienced myself as calm. I will find out tomorrow if I get the job on the horse ranch. That will be nice to have that point sorted, and then I can start arranging for either doing that or getting on and finding another job. Either way it should not make a difference. I have been looking at this point today, of how one place value in certain things, in what one does, and who one is with, instead of living Value as themselves, as who they are as the starting point and source point of their world. I see still that I have placed value in working with animals, and also with being out on a ranch, where it will be quieter. The obvious deception that I noticed is that believing that “this will solve all my problems. What do I mean by this? Well, in my current world, things aren’t just flowing along, all fine and dandy, I am in fact spending much time alone, and still have not really got the art point moving as a point which I am assisting and supporting myself with yet, and I am still finding that there are inconsistencies within my application, as well as energetic points which I have found myself to be struggling with, and also the point of just remaining here, effective within my application of writing, internet work, drawing, reading, and points like this that I have at the moment the opportunity to take on. I saw the point today of how I allowed myself to believe that by moving onto the horse ranch that “things would be different” in a way where I would be able to “get things done” so to speak. I realized that in fact the real point is here, not there, the real point is not in moving to some other location. I inevitably will simply create the same shit, and the same patterns and the same points to deal with. So in this I see that the Solution, the corrective application is actually Here in my current world, where I take these points that look like they simply don’t want to move, and I “apply myself within them” I mean, why wait to direct certain points in my world. Take the art point for instance. It really ‘seems’ like this point is just not wanting to work here and that I have met with some resistance so to speak with regards to this point. Its like there is an energetic block with this point and with others, and so I simply see that this is the perfect opportunity to actually Stand-Up within these points, and give them direction, and push through the resistances and energetic blockages. The will not just go away on there own, I will actually have to direct the points myself. So I noticed that point of where I was existing within a belief that, if I were to move, that I would then, be able to be effective within my world, instead of pushing and directing me here in specificity and self will, and actually get this world, my current world I am in to function effectively, and direct the necessary points so that the world I am in now works. And not try and hide from it and believe and perceive that my fully optimal functional effective world of when I am really standing and effective in my process is out there somewhere. Its not. If I want an effective world, I have to make this world effective, my current immediate world and it will always be this way. Here is the Key, the power so to speak, this is the point that I have been exploring today. The point of HERE the point of Breath, as being “where its at” this moment right now as I write here, is the moment where my power is. So other than that I had a pretty quite day. Phew, Was nice to just stop and see myself again. I see the point also of accepting myself as silence. Its like I am just so used to “having something going on inside of me, that when there is ‘nothing’ so to speak, I believe that there should be something, instead of allowing myself to embrace this point of ‘nothing going on inside me. Like at the moment, there is not allot here to write about, so I will stop here. Ok so this point just came up inside. It rose up from within my stomach area, it came up as an energy, and electrical current charge where I almost wanted to hold my breath. This point was fear. Fear about my job. Fear about the commitment that I would be making. The fear is related to staying on that ranch for two years or even longer. Now I am experiencing like a weakness inside of me. So this fear came up in considering this point. Its related to “how constructive will this be” and its also related to the point of committing myself to something for another. I see the point here of this fear being related to compromise, where I would end up staying for along time out of ‘obligation’ so within this point/memory, It is the point of taking something on, and then even after seeing that it is not working, continuing to remain within the point and not enjoying myself. So its a fear of not enjoying myself and feeling trapped in a way. So what is the core source point of this, Do I have a memory I can reference with regards to a similar point where this occurred in my life. I am seeing this point related to the experience of myself “on a small scale” where I have countless times in my life, committed to say, going out to a party with friends, or going to hang out, only to realize that I really don’t want to be there, and in a way just going along with it and wasting hours of my time, and existing in a kind of guilt because I was not directing myself. I used to have this experience extensively when I used to smoke pot. I used to really enjoy getting high. But I always made sure that I had everything in place first from the perspective of art. I never mixed marijuana and making art, and so if I got high at school, or like my friends were like c’mon come get high, and I would ‘cave’ and be like ok fine, then that entire day would be a write off and I would experience quite a bit of regret because now I had to wait until I was sober again to paint,  so experienced much regret within myself. So with this point of going to the farm I am experiencing the same point, that I cm compromising myself for the horses, meaning the horses, represent that “high” point and that I would then in getting the job, be actually stepping into a time-loop where I would experience a point of regret the whole time that I am not out in the Matrix, where I am now, working a different job, where I feel, like I am actually standing right in the system. I experienced this point some on the farm, and especially in considering the point of staying longer on the farm. I saw the point of regret where I would actually be compromising myself, because I was/would not be standing here in the system. So with the job here, that point of fear I experienced come up inside of me is this same point. I fear of regretting the decision and then having to live in regret. Its like doing something you shouldn’t be doing, then afterwards feeling regret that you did it. There is the point with this ranch that I will enjoy the point of living on the farm, and in a way, it will be a little different than working and living in the city, and actually be more like living on the desteni farm in some way, and it is within this point that I feel like I am ‘hiding’ from responsibility. Also I see the point of that within committing to a point like this, one is taking a very definitive direction, meaning that, this is going to close off some doors that would have otherwise might have been open, so there is a point coming up also here of “what am I missing out on” a fear of missing out. A here again the fear of compromising myself by closing off certain specific doors that otherwise would have been there for the walking through. Fascinating that this point which is now nearly a page of writing and actually contains quite a bit, came up in a refraction of a moment, as an energetic point that emerged as an electrical current charge within me in a split second. It lasted less than one second, yet here it is now opened up and it is quite big I see, it is like the splitting of the atom and seeing the universe inside. So cool to open this point up here so I can direct this energy point of fear that I am still allowing within and as me. The main aspect of this fear I see is it is actually a fear of missing out on certain things. The fear pertaining to education, and or the point of Art. Where in if I go out onto this farm, I basically saying that, I am giving up art from the perspective that I originally discussed the point with Bernard before I left the farm. And I am also saying that I will not be doing education in the near future as a priority point but rather will be focusing on this point with the Working on the Horse ranch first. In writing this out, both of these points kind of make me nervous. The education point I see that I have this linked to ‘process success’ and the point of Art I see I have this linked to ‘breakthrough’ and ‘Self Enjoyment’ So within going to work on this horse ranch I see/feel as though I am compromising on this point of enjoyment. And taking art to a level of application where I had never been before. So the point of fear coming up is linked to these two points. I also see the point here of “letting myself down”. Will have to Do some Forgiveness on this Point.

Daily Writing – Oct 14 – Where is My Stablity

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Where is my Stability. Over the last week I have experienced myself as anything but stable. Existing in fears, worries, concerns, judgements, self judgements, wonder, speculating, projecting, wanting, desiring, hoping, helpless, scattered, basically, I was just not stable. It was as if I was not able to “ground myself” and end up getting carried away in what ever it was I was doing. The Solution which comes up in relation to this point is Breath. Breathing and focusing on Breath as a stability point to support me in coming back to earth. I experienced myself at times as if I was slipping, and or scurrying to keep up with those that were ahead of me up on the mountain top, and I simply was sliding way down the mountain side frantically attempting to get a grip somewhere and grasp onto something to be able to just keep up. I found that I simply was unable to calm myself down, to keep myself stable and would end up going into these energetic experiences as well as experiences as if I was speaking about specific things and even though the words were coming out of me it was as if they weren’t grounded in anything. Like I simply could not get to the bottom of myself. A point of Stopping. So why is it that I have not yet been able to establish a foundation for myself and an application of self that will actually stand stable no matter what happens in my world, so that I do not get carried away. It would be a cool point to do an SRA session on this point to look at the priority point of fear which is causing or the core point at the moment as to why I have been not able to earth myself or ground myself here in every moment where in I am silent with myself. There was much going on within my mind with regards to work and how things were/are going to unfold. Though the point I am looking at here in this moment is establishing myself as Here, so that no matter what happen, no matter what occur I am Here, I am stable, I am Here as myself and can simply direct myself in common sense, instead of getting caught up in knowledge and information, and fear, and thoughts and pictures etc. So I am going to explore this point of breath, and of simplicity. Because I see that I really require to find a stability point within myself, one where I do not go into comparison, into wants, into needs, etc, a point which will support me in earthing myself and remaining here as Breath. I was reading Viktors blog and he mentioned a point about the earth “not having a judgement about a particular decision that one make” the earth is simply here. And also in discussions with Marlen where she was mentioning the point about establishing oneself in the moment, in each and every moment, where ones application is here in the moment. What I see within what she was saying was that the solution so to speak, is always here, is always available, and that that solution, that stability, and ability for one to remain here in common sense clarity of self in simplicity is Here where one focus on what is here in the moment and not go into projections as such and that who one is is their starting point in every moment, so to simply look at this, and trust oneself within this. I mean I have watched countless videos and heard many times the point of ones ‘power’ being in ones breath, in the moment. I mean I noticed that I attempt to create systems and structures to attempt to stabilize myself and have not yet gotten to the point of actually establishing myself within the breath as an actual real support point where I can actually stand stable. I was forced into a kind of silence today. I simply crashed. After I woke up I had a headache and so decided to sleep it off, after 3 hours of sleep, I woke up and proceeded to work, but the headache was still there, so Laid back down, it was quite uncomfortable, after another hour or two I got up and the headache had released, I was grateful and experienced myself simply within a silence, I had in a way just stopped. Just gave-up on trying to “get everything done” So that was cool to experience myself as silent and stable for a moment where I had stopped. A cool reference point. So the question that came up was, How do I remain here in and as this silence, where I am actually here and present in that which I am doing, and not caught up in my mind where in I am really only half here, and simply am unable to slow myself down to a silence to actually be effective with what I am doing and how I am applying myself. I mean I was ready to carry on, to just keep trying to plough ahead, and not realizing to the extent that I was completely lost in an energetic experience of a kind of frantic, survival application and just not able to slow myself down. I see this point being related to money. Where a fear emerge within me and take me over and direct me, even so that I am not able to anymore make a practical decision. Its like I just lock myself into this fear, it is quite extensive. So simply forgive myself for the point. I am here now so I can start again. I also experienced allot of comparison towards others, and judgements towards myself like I was not doing good enough, so here too also is another kind of survival lock-in mode. So the point here is to stop. So I am grateful for the headache from the perspective that it ‘forced’ to just f-ing stop. My body assisting me here. So now to reconsider why and how it was that I was so easily carried away. It was like a striving and pushing just took me over, there was no real slowing down, but rather day by day a kind of ‘getting lost’ and just attempting to grasp onto some point that is stable. Ok so the Breath, why the Breath, Because the breath is simple. The breath is simplicity, and so there is no attempting to become something or achieve something, or wanting or yearning, or speculation. It is just breath, a physical breathing in and out. There is no right or wrong in breath, there is just breath. Within this point also I see the point of “The Physical” where again, there is no judgement within the physical. It is simply Here, and I am here too as the physical as my physical body, though I have created an idea about myself as “being something” other than this, when if I look from the perspective of the physical, I am equal to it and to all others as the physical as we are all physical bodies here as an extension of the earth and this universe as a physical existence.

Self Forgiveness – Continuation on Dependency – October 14th 2010

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself, within “taking me out of an active environment with lots of people” where I then would have to learn how to occupy myself and satisfy myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to re-create the farm situation I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that where I am is ‘important’ with regards to how I experience myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “not enjoying myself on the farm” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be alone and feel lonely on the farm I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in relation to process where I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in relation to “how I am doing” and always wanting to be doing ‘good’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in by going out to this farm that I am setting myself up for regret. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “lock myself into” regret from the perspective of simply submitting to the idea that “I don’t know how it is going to occur” and within this enslaving myself to the point of not allowing me to actually see for myself how I create my reality and the out-flows of my decisions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear immensely going to the farm location, because I believe that I will be lonely out there. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not get along with the family that lives out there. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going out to the farm from the perspective of having to live along side a family and family structure. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this experience will be like actually locking myself into a family structure and belief system. This is one of the points that I am seeing about this job is that is/will be like locking myself into a family structure belief system that I will essentially have abide by. I see this point specifically in relation to this being a family run business that is ‘quite established’ where in they have ‘rooted’ themselves physically with the barns etc, there is quite a belief system around this point I am seeing that because it is so physically manifest that  I will essentially have to ‘participate with’ and won’t be so easily moved. I mean in the city, everything is like smaller moving systems, so to work for a company one is simply required to do the work so to speak. I mean the point of actually living on this ranch is a ‘scary’ part because I see this in relation to living with my family. So this is an actually perception/assumption, reaction, because in am only ‘coming to this conclusion’ through ‘seeing a picture in my mind’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compromise myself in this world in certain specific situations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear placing myself into this point than “feeling alone” because it will be so quite and I will see the same people everyday. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I move out to this farm that I will be giving up and have not chance with process, and in a way be stranded. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stranded I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be stranded if I go to this farm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can run and hide from myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to hide from my current reality that I have created “around me” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my world is ‘not fun’ and that I can go and find something else better in a different environment, instead of applying corrective application to myself from the perspective of me being the source of my correction and the source of my world not matter where I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the place to face yourself is in the system, and that those in the system are those who are really facing themselves. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something lacking in my environment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as if there is something lacking or holding me back within my environment from enjoying myself and living fulfilment in every breath. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for living fulfilment in my environment instead of me here as breath as simplicity in each and every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a slight depression because I slept because I had a headache and now actually have judged myself from the perspective of believing that I have failed, or was dishonest, or am falling behind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is certain that I am not going to make it this life, and thus fear falling or lagging behind because this indicate that I do not have enough will power to walk this process and stop my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with my application and that I should be doing more. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am taking to much time to do this process, and that I am not moving effectively enough. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is going to be a pretty process instead of just applying myself here in that which I can do, and remaining here as breath in the simplicity as myself here as the source point so to speak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to my mom reading my blogs and from a certain perspective will not edit my blogs so I do not reveal to much instead of standing up within this world within equality as an equal being in an equal expression, standing equal and one to all beings and the equalization of all as the priority of myself and walk in what is best for this outcome of what is best for all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘experience’ inadequacy in relation to others doing desteni process, and see myself just time-looping and not really expanding myself within developing a stable web based application. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others at placing links and answering posts. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others within this process, and in this go into experiences of inadequacies  and less-than, and self defeat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “end up in” self defeat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as actually being weak willed and not effectively developing myself within consistency. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to make up for lost time which implies that I am in debt and or lacking. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the point of simply just not being able to push through and feeling/seeing not results. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my application and the assessment on results where I want to see results immediately. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be patient with myself and within this allow myself to simply continue applying myself in consistency day in and day out, and not expect or want immediate results. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my application on whether or not I get results instead of simply seeing the common sense that within 1+1=2 equation that the results will come. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to race to attempt to catch up to others who I perceive as being more equal than me, and effective in this process, and so I attempt to catch up so that I can experience me as worthy and valid, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that must create myself as worthy, meaning that who I am now is not good enough. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by shame I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by feeling unworthy I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by feeling like I have failed I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed shame to influence me in my application and direction I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed unworthiness to influence me in my application and direction I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed “feeling like I have failed” to influence me in my application and expression. The point is to simply direct me no matter, what , and not go into despair that it is not working or I am not good enough because I don’t have the results coming in. When ever this experience of despair or shame or regret or unworthiness or hopelessness come up, I simply do not give it the time of day, I do not participate with it but rather as a correction, allow myself to continue on as per-usual. There is nothing wrong about my application, it simply require consistency, and constantcy. Thus I allow myself to be consistant in my application in self trust. I simply apply the regular actions, and not go into feeling like I am not doing enough, but simply slowing down and going through the motions and freezing each moment so that I can see that I am remaining in the starting point of what is best for all in every moment. This is the point, to stand as what is best for all as self in every moment, not necessarily be the fasted and the best. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be the fastest and the best. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the fastest and the best at process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as less than those in my environment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing those in my environment because of the presentation I have presented but cannot live up to because the truth of myself actually in not this presentation I have presented as myself being stable and flawless. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a stable flawless presentation to others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am actually this presentation instead of realizing that I am just me here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must present myself as some flawless perfect stable being so that I can be liked, respected, and worthy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into comparison with and towards other beings instead of realizing that this is not necessary and that I can simply remain here as myself as who I really am, and simply walk my process of self forgiveness and self purification and equalizing myself with all that is here so that I stand as equality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not up to the task of equalizing myself with all that is here, meaning that I cannot possibly do this, and in this have accepted that this is not possible for me in life, so in a way go into a frequency or exist as a frequency experience/acceptance of myself of not being able to do this, and in effect already sabotaging myself within this process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making and fearing that others see and believe I will not make it as well. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel shame about the truth of myself of that I will not make this process. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everyone already thinks that I will not make this process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within the inevitability that will not make this process, and in this experience a sadness of myself in the end being left behind with just myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with standing here with just myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and believe that there is some other point other than self. I forgive myself for not realizing that in being left with just me, than that means I am still here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being trapped out of existence for ever and that there is nothing I can do about it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being locked out and not included.

Applying Self Forgiveness – Dependency

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to fear doing something in this world, anything in this world, that I do not know exactly how it will go. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not capable of possible of making effective decisions I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up ‘myself’ from the perspective of who I have created myself to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never “break through” and that every decision I make will only further enslave me as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a slave to myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply believe that there is something innately wrong with me, and thus fear being trapped with me as me, as I believe that I am not able to make effective decisions, or create a life that is enjoyable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving into a “new life” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trapping myself in my own deception. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the idea that “I am deceptive” power over me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of belief that I am not able to know who I am and actually see each point clearly when directing myself in my world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the point that I am less than others in my application, and will always be this way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want’ to be equal, which is actually just indicating that I have already accepted my inequality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need, want, and desire someone else to show the way, or explain what is up with me instead of embracing myself as self direction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with receiving assistance and support from another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if someone point something out to me that I am weak and that this is a confirmation of my weakness and their superiority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is always something innately wrong with the situation so am constantly existing within and experiencing myself from this perspective of believing that I am doing something wrong and that I must fix the situation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in how I direct myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to make decisions that support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the idea that we are all slaves, all lost, and not capable of standing up for what is equality and best for all. I forgive myself for not allowing me to apply myself in simplicity and actually looking self honestly at my situation and getting to know myself, so to create  a foundation of support and stability for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what see as having made a mistake. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be perfect in this process instead of just realizing that I am me within this process, and to not judge me for that. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to show others that I can do this, and how I can support myself and stand within equality, and in this missing the point of myself, of doing this process for me, and using myself as a reference point where in I develop self trust from the perspective of seeing to the core of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “create a problem” where there is none. I forgive myself for accepting defeat in something that I have not even walked yet, from the perspective of simply believing that “any decision I make will not be the right one” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must make the perfect decision every time and not make one single error. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to fear regretting not doing art. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will ultimately compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will ultimately compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in someone else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my trust in something outside of me instead of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in others outside of me instead of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience and what I will do according to who is involved, and within this place my trust and dependency on others instead of standing as the point of self trust and dependency where I am the source of myself, my self enjoyment, my self reliability and stability in all moments, in all situations, in all events, I am the point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to find myself in something outside of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, and that my experience will then be miserable because I will have not one to depend on to make my experience of myself better, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate and place my trust in another and others outside of myself. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and embrace the point of equality, where all beings and points are equal to myself and thus it will not matter who I am with or what I am doing, as within equality one simply stand stable, here, with no matter who, in all situations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire others to provide for me the experience I am looking for. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope to meet someone to provide for and give to me, a particular experience of enjoyment, and excitement and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility of myself actually doing this for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define other by according to how the look as a picture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire satisfaction within communication with another in through who they are as a picture, and thus look for communication with those who “fit a certain template” of a picture presentation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a picture, who only communication and interact with other pictures that look like me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a picture and within doing this limit myself within my world extensively be believing that my communication and or interaction with others will only “give my what I want” or “be enjoyable” with those who look like me or are similar to me as a picture of what I have accepted and allowed myself to represent as a picture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in self intimacy within communication/expression with others to only be able to do this if the other person fit into a specific ‘type’ of person instead of seeing myself within equality with all beings, and thus being able to interact and communicate in self intimacy with all beings equally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I am ‘intimate’ with another who does not ‘match’ my idea of my “personality type” than I am somehow diminished. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within a position of superiority over other beings. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to embrace the point of actually being able to be intimate in expression and communication with all beings equally not matter what they look like. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the point of equality within all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self intimate with all parts of myself, but hide in fear and shame with regards to some. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and go into shame with regards to who I have accepted myself to become, instead of forgiving myself and allowing myself to communicate equally to all parts of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face all parts of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto judgements of parts of myself.