Category Archives: Self forgiveness – Purification

Exposing Unnecessary Fears in my Day to Day Living.

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Tonight after work later in the evening I noticed a part of the text that my boss sent me earlier in the day before I had left from work that I did not give direction to. Fear immediately came up within me and my entire experience of myself shifted in that moment from being fine to suddenly being uncomfortable and possessed by the fear related to this point. There was a few different aspects to the fear. I forgot to properly cover up some bags of cement before rain had started to fall and to confirm that that was cool before I left for the day. The rain had already been falling for about 6.5 hours before I noticed that I missed this point so the damage could have already been done. A question that came up within me is, “Is it necessary to participate in this fear that I immediately went into / became possessed by” in that moment of realizing this missed point? The point that I see is no. There should never be any reason why one should accept and allow oneself to exist within fear. No matter what reason I looked at in terms of why I was actually going into fear; they simply were not valid for me to put myself through that experience instead of  letting the experience of fear go. The physical reality facts is still the way it is. It is more a matter of letting go of the fear attached to that scenario. This does not mean that I don't have to be practically responsible for my reality, it just mean that if I make a mistake I support myself to stop all self judgement related to the point and rather just focus on what is required to be directed practically. To fear about it does not fix it or actually make it worse or better. So then what is the purpose of the fear, and is it necessary? This event also showed me how simple it is for one to overlook or skip-over something that is required to be practically done and how that one tiny point could have quite a big consequence. Today’s point would have literally taken me 2 minutes to direct and in not doing this could have let allot of valuable resources and material get ruined. I did not ignore the point, I simply forgot. So this event showed me that I am able to be more specific and thorough within my moment to moment application. Also within this I see that even within the context of this event there is no valid justification for me to “go into fear” or Self Judgement, no matter what the stakes. Fear does not support me at all. The experience of existing in fear is not a cool experience at all and thus there is no reason why I should accept and allow myself to do this to myself. So yes, this event today brought up this point in relation to fear where I have been looking recently at my own experience of myself and that often my experience of me is not that pleasant and yet, it is me doing it to myself, and so investigating why I would accept and allow me to put myself through experiences within and as self that is really not cool, because that is backwards. Refusing to let go of an experience that is causing allot of discomfort. So I have been investigating this and working on actually letting go of these experiences of fear that is really not necessary to be in. So there is just a few aspects that came up today.

Self Forgiveness on “The Soul”

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  Self Forgiveness on Soul. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there existed a soul within me that pass over and continue existing when I die. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “not know” if there was a soul within me or not. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my soul is more pure than me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there can be an aspect of myself that Is more pure existing independent from other aspects of myself, and in this way separate myself from the soul, where in I exist in separation to the soul. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing an aspect of myself to exist independent from me, where in it just kind of does its own thing, and within I do not direct all of myself here, and am also implying a lack of awareness of self in that there is apparently as aspect of me that is all knowing and pure, that I have not actual direct, in fact relationship with at all, but that only exist as an idea in my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my soul is better and superior than me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a soul because this would mean that I live forever and that is what I want. I don’t want to die because I fear dying and I like being alive, and I don’t want to die. And thus hoped that there was soul, and within this actually separated myself from my responsibility to decide for myself if I live or die, but have believed that I have no choice in the matter, as Death is “beyond me” and all-mighty. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place death and the soul in the same category, where in I see the soul as good and death as black and scary. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my idea/perception of what I think death is, where I have created this whole idea of what I think death will be like, and then fear that Idea. And thus am not really fearing death, per-se but more fearing an idea that I have created within myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the soul and things related to the existence of the soul as “higher than me” and within this imply that I am limited and less than, here within this physical body within this life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as limitation which I imposed on myself through accepting and allowing this idea of the soul. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the human physical body as well as this physical world as planet earth as limited and not take into consideration ourselves as limitless beings where ever we are in every moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to such an extent that I believed that I was unable to commune with the soul or anything that was from this realm, and thus existed within a state of limitation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find it hard to believe that we are not limited as/within the human physical body here in the physical I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the soul as the ultimate good, and that in the end “man is good” because the soul is good. And to not really believe in the devil and the bad, because “that stuff can’t exist” because everyone has a soul, and a soul is good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get confused within all this information and ideas about the soul. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am automatically good, as I have accepted myself as having / being a soul, and have defined/believed this to be ultimately good, and within this I forgive myself for not considering that I AM WHO I AM, and thats that, in relation to the context of how I live in my day to day moment to moment application of self here as who I am in every moment where in “A soul is not responsible for me and who I am” I am responsible for me and who I am based on how I live and apply myself day to day, in every moment of my existence here, and also I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself as who I am into2 categories only, either being bad or good. Thus I stop such allowances and acceptances of self. I let go of this delusion that somehow “the sou” defines me, and I realize that who I am, is who I am based on my moment to moment application of self and all of myself as me. That is really who I am. And Thus I face the point that there is “no free pass” which I had accepted and allowed myself to exist within, within believing that there was a soul. There is not free pass, there is not “guiding light” I guide myself HERE in full responsibility for and as myself and I take responsibility for my actions and I realize that my actions have consequences and this is also another way to assess who I am in fact which is not related to something that does not even exist, but that I “hold as an idea only” as my saving grace and guiding light to always guide me out of the darkness, instead of taking back my directive principle and walking Here for and as Myself in and As Total Self Direction and Responsibility for and as Myself, as Who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design an idea that act as my “guiding light” of me never having to actually walk and live for myself, walking into the darkness and trusting myself every step of the way, alone with no guiding light, but only me myself Here with and as myself as self support. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to trust me without the soul guiding me to make sure I do not fall off the path, and thus whenever I walked into a situation, placed my trust in the soul as this ultimate guiding force, instead of standing HERE within and as Self Trust, and developing the ability to walk within and as Self Trust in every moment and every situation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wander endlessly in the dark while all this atrocious shit happens in this world, because I had completely abdicating my self directive principle of myself to some higher force/soul as a guiding light. Where in I placed my trust in this soul or higher force to know whats best for me, and thus I never actually grab the wheel and steer myself and direct myself for and as myself. Within this using practical common sense to sort out the mess that is here as this world and put an end to the abuse and atrocities in this world through simply by directing my actions within common sense instead of floating around where all of my directive power is placed within some higher being to decide for me, to make the right choices for me within my life, instead of me directing me here in every moment, decision and choice that I am faced with in each moment no matter how big or small. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wander within my mind/idea of the soul as my guiding light, and within this never actually learn how to direct this reality that is here as the physical into a world that supports all and is best for all and is an effective reality and supports life, because I was to busy wandering around within this point of just “doing stuff” because the soul as guiding light will take care of all the important decisions in my life, and thus MISS my entire life in where I never actually direct myself within the important decisions, or any decisions and this world crumble around us as we all blissfully stair into the light, and never actually starting directing ourselves within establishing the necessary relationships, real relationships based on practical common sense and supporting what is here as this planet we live in and taking full responsibility for this and stop abdicating this to some higher force or god or soul as guiding light in all of this, where the entire world just existing in disarray within the belief that we are beig guided and directed by something more than us, like an ultimate greater good, instead of all of us here pulling our heads from our assess and start creating our world for ourselves in a way that no longer accepted and allow abuse and that actually support ourselves as life within and as our self expression. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “dream about the soul” where I would know all the answers and do everything correctly and never make a mistake, but not bringing this point back to self and walking the practical step by step application of actually developing the ability to make effective decisions for myself instead of just “wanting this to happen instantly” in terms of how I believed the soul to be. I forgive myself for not considering that if I am a soul than I will still have to direct myself as I do now in this life, and that “things never happen automatically” thus the point is that I simply must walk the necessary steps to become an effective decision maker so that “I know what to do” instead of thinking and believing that this will magically happen to me, without me taking responsibility for myself and leaning to walk and do this for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within believing in the soul and soul construct become passive and non-committal and subdued, where in I am never really active, and engaged within my reality in every moment where I am an active participating within and as my world, due to abdicating this responsibility to the soul within accepting the idea that the soul essentially is guiding me and making my decisions anyways. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never really learn how to commit myself to a decision and follow through with that because at some point I would give up and not take responsibility for my world, because I believed the soul was taking care of this anyways and thus “it would turn out for the best” I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to the soul for answers to my questions about life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because there is no consequence that I see/experience in a moment of actions, that this means its “ok” and within this not consider the consequences that flow-out from such actions and that will in the end create and define my world and who I am. Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because I do not immediately see/experience a consequence related to my actions/self doesn’t mean that there isn’t one. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my “best interest” to a higher power, instead of directing this as who I am in every breath as every moment of my existence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self direction as hopeless I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within realizing that I must move and direct myself, actually go into a point/experience of fear of actually willing myself to move and direct myself in all situations and events in this world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as powerless within this life because I could never get clear answers from the soul. And that I did not trust myself to direct myself in my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as limited through by accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation from life where in I saw/see/perceive life to be “so much bigger” than me and how could I be equal with/as life in order to make decisions that affected life. And thus I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see me as inferior to life, and inadequate in relation to life, always placing myself beneath life and never actually able or capable of standing equal and one with life, and directing myself as life and directing life as myself equal and one. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would fuck life up if I had the responsibility to direct life, and thus never saw myself as capable of having the responsibility to direct “the greater life” that is here, not realizing that I am in fact doing this already in every moment that I am here, in my moment to moment living application of self. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop the idea within myself that “man is useless” because everything that ever showed a high skill level was attributed to “the divine” and so accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to “become better” was to have god or the divine possess me and express through me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that really good art was done by the hand of god, which implied that the “soul” was the ultimate creator/expressor and had some magical meaning or insight and that man is really not capable of this, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “look for the divine” as a point of self improvement instead of developing the trust, courage and will power to do this for myself through discipline practical step by step walking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself so that the soul can exist where in I no longer direct myself as who I am as an equal part of life, but suppress myself in relation to the idea that I soul is apparently directing me and within this wonder around this world with no real, clear, decisive direction of self in my application. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret not learning how to direct myself when I was younger. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there must be some mistake, and that the way that I lived and directed myself was correct, and that how could I have lived most of my life without actually Standing within and as myself and my world as the directive principle of me and my world. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in moments give up on my as the directive principle and want to rest. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping and resting as me as the directive principle because I fear the consequences of this, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not able to actually see the consequences of my actions/self standing in every moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear “going out on my own” and directing myself within and as my world in every moment because I fear facing my world and all the various, variety of situations and events and people that are out there that I must face. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being an active participant within this world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my pre-programming to direct me and shape out my world and how I live, instead of establishing/re-establishing these patterns, the patterns that I have created and developed over time within and as myself, into patterns of support, effectiveness, participation, and patterns that support in bringing forth an effectively functional world equally for all who are here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like the idea of the soul because then I don’t have to do the hard work and actually direct myself then use this “soul construct” as the perfect excuse to be lazy and not direct myself in situations moments that are challenging. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “when things get tough – abdicate my responsibility to something or someone else other than myself directing me here in every moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to direct and move me here in every moment as Life to the idea of a soul. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say to myself “things will be ok” and within doing this, not actually directing each and every single aspect of my world effectively, clearly, and decisively but allowing myself to only direct some points half way or not at all, and then go into a state of hope which is actually delusion where I convince myself that the points will be “ok” instead of remaining here within the realization that I am responsible for ALL of myself and that what i do not give direction to, will simply no move or rather always only move in relation to the direction I give it. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to spend my life seeking pleasure and things I enjoy doing and to leave the rest of the responsibilities of this world to something or someone else. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the soul would take care of all the bigger responsibilities, and thus never considered or gave these points specific definitive direction, and rather just spent my life creating pleasure and joy for myself, while the world crumbles down all around me with me being completely oblivious to it. And thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand equal to life in all responsibilities of and as life. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to establish a relationship of separation where in I have separated myself from life and the soul where in I see these aspects as “beyond me” as “out there” and carry some magical mystical, ultra intelligent, all knowing force, and within this held a point inside myself of someday at some point in the future eventually “being there” and in this simply wait for this moment due to me having defined myself as incapable of understanding or comprehending this ultimate truth, and so just waited for this and lived out my life existing within and as a point of myself as limitation, and thus accepted and allowed a world and life that reflect this idea/belief. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to establish a relationship with some form of a soul/god/higher life purpose/principle, where I am in fact standing within and as a point of inferiority and that this “higher principle” is in a position of superiority, and in this separated myself from my absolute full directive principle of myself HERE where in I am always responsible for my reality and world and self in every way shape or form with my own two hands. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me and in this actually diminish and dis-empower myself through by maintaining  a point within and as myself which believed that I do not have access to myself as the absolute and full creative principle in every moment due to believing that some higher force out there control some aspect or point of myself and thus within this never had stood up as the full complete directive principle of myself and my world IN EVERY WAY, and no more believing that there is some heaven or some existence out there that is wonderful and amazing that one day I will get to experience. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within thinking / imagining / pondering about other existences or worlds, or heavens existing “out-there” somewhere, that are wonderful and amazing and beyond me and beyond my imagination where I am a kind of god and magical important super being and within this ignore, and forget and disregard this reality that is HERE, and myself and my own world the creation of myself and world IN EVERY MOMENT as every breath. I forgive myself for not realizing that I am creating myself and world / reality as what is here in every moment of my existence as every breath, based within my acceptances and allowances of who I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as. And in this not realize the extend and absoluteness of myself as creative principle, and that I never stood as this creative principle as I was too busy abdicating this responsibility to some idea of the soul, or higher power or force out there somewhere. I let go of all desire to experience some “other reality” out the future, and simply remain here within and as breath and realize that if I would like to experience a particular point than I must walk that into creation practically within the physical step by step and actually create the point in this reality in and as the physical, and thus it is important to consider that this creation have no consequential outflow of abuse or harm towards life but act as a mechanism of life support as a common sense consideration of who I am as life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest, bring forth corruption on this planet through the acceptance and allowance of the soul construct within me and within others, where by “looking the other way” become a way of life and thus people begin to deceive with ease, as everyone just get so used to not taking responsibility for their actions as consequence that massive corruption take place that manifest a world of liying and cheating and stealing, and secrets, and basically attempting to live without taking responsibility for your actions . I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fully accept poverty and starvation within this world and that I have accepted and allowed myself to cultivate starvation and poverty within this world by and through believing in a soul, where in I abdicate my self directive principle and not ever take full responsibility for myself and my realty, and thus leave millions to die and suffer as everyone in this world do not take full responsibility for what is here, and in relation to this, develop the ability to “ignore the consequences of ones actions” and thus end up creating and manifesting such points of poverty and starvation where millions die of hunger, that seemingly is not related to what one is doing and how one live, but in fact is a result of this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ok to take responsibility for myself some of the time and others its ok not to. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am unworthy because I have not been able to communicate with my soul which I perceive as worthy.

Looking at some points related to Communication and Writing.

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Sometimes I experience a blank when I go to write. This has been occurring allot lately. I see that there is a point of self judgement where within judging what I am about to write actually keeps this “blankness” Here, as I judge what I am about to write or what I start writing and then might quickly erase it as I think to myself “no, no, no, thats not what I want to write about”. So I see this in fact a judgement which prevent me from actually moving from the starting line and exploring myself within writing. So rather I must support myself within moving through that which I am writing by not judging what I am writing or what is coming up in the moment. Because in some instances I will do this multiple times to the point where I eventually just close the document I am working on and do something else. So I will open a document and pause for a moment then say to myself in a way, “what shall I write about” Then a point, or sentence will come up within me and I will carry on to write this down but then get a few words in and pause and think, “nawww thats not good enough” and then I try and think of something else to write about. Then I will trap myself within this pattern instead of rather directing myself to just go with what comes up initially and not judge it. So today at work I was working with a co-worker and we were discussing different points related to the money system and human nature and just really touching on a few points and sharing perspectives. But I found myself to be quite frustrated in this because I find that I know actually so very little. Actually today I was pushing myself to speak up and assert myself a little more instead of holding back on giving my perspective, though it did not go that smoothly. I will continue to test this point out of expanding my communication through stepping outside of my normal programmed way of communicating and venture into some less explored waters where I will simply direct myself to speak where I normally would have kept quite. But after today this will require some adjustment already because in speaking up more I realized that “I don’t know shit” lol. Like I will start explaining something to someone and then realize as I start getting into the point “oh fuck, I actually don’t the necessary details to be able to explain the point. Like only having a surface idea of something but when it actually gets down to it my understanding is actually not at all sufficient on so many points that I believed that I had all sorted out. This made me realize that I must pay closer attention when I am reading an article so that when I go explaining a cool article to someone that I read just that same morning I don’t stop a few seconds in within the realization that, yes I read the article, but I do not remember shit about what it was actually about. It was like I wasn’t even reading it really, but only thought I was – LOL. Simply put – Pay more attention when I am reading and ensure that I have the comprehension of what is being presented in place so that if required I would be able to explain the main points of the article and give perspective on it. I asked myself today “what do I actually know” Because, ok, why not I just stick to communicating about stuff that I have a solid understanding about , and so I asked myself “what do I have a solid understanding about” and fuck – there is really not much. Particularly when it comes to certainties. Which is humbling. To see how much of my understanding and comprehension of reality is based on assumption. (ok one more point came up as I was writing my tags for this blog - It is the point of actually re-structuring my communication like for instance one must build the foundation for the house before they can build the house or put in the windows, and so today was like I was getting ahead of myself  instead of establishing building the necessary foundation / context for what I am communicating about.)  

Self-Support To Move From Scattered to Stable

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Self-Support to Move From Scattered to Stable I experienced myself a bit scattered today. This is often actually that I experience myself in this way. I had a few things to do today so this broke up my day and found within my day that I was not able to settle myself effectively and really establish myself Here within what I was doing. So I am looking at this point of how to effectively stabilize myself within my world. The first points which come up are: 1.Stop participating in the mind 2.Stick to simplicity 3.Stick to breath With this first point I see that when I participate in my mind, where in I accept and allow myself to engage within the dialogue in my head, that I am not stable, and that if I were to actually Stop participating within my mind that I would actually be stable within my world, and be here, and be able to effectively assess my world with common sense and direct myself accordingly . So I require to be more effective within this point of “stopping the mind” from the perspective of not engaging with the thoughts, pictures, emotions, voices, debates etc, but assist and support myself to remain Here and not participate with the “Back-Chat” that is the mind. I see that my “Back-Chat” is fucking extensive, My mind is automated literally 24/7 and so if I am not Here and aware in every moment and supporting me to remain HERE and be HERE as myself as silence in each and every moment, Supporting me to exist here where there is no "movement" or "energy fluctuations" then it is the mind that is here as me as thoughts, feelings, emotions, as movements and fluctuations within and as self. Thus I require to ground me. To Earth Myself. So I see I must be more effective in actually supporting me to Stop my mind, and stop engaging in the conversations in my head. Thus to support me,  I simply stop  participating with any voice, and thought, that exist inside me / within my mind, and that I must be ruthless within this, as to not allow myself to trick me into participating within the mind Life for example how “positive thoughts” are fucking deceptive as these generally “feel good” to participate in and “seem harmless” but this is mind as a program and so to participate in these ‘positive thoughts’ one is actually supporting the mind, and in this case enhancing my own instability which I mentioned in the beginning of this post, from the perspective of “feeling scattered” So this is where I am going to start to assist and support myself to re-establish my stability of Self, I am going to push the point of Stopping  Myself from Participating, engaging within conversations, thoughts within my mind. Where as soon as I notice that I am actually existing as a voice in my mind as Back-Chat as thought, and as soon as I notice that I am participating within an energetic fluctuation or movement  within me than I stop immediately, as I realize that this is my mind, and immediately bring myself back here. And within this I focus on simplicity. And use breath as a stability point, by focusing on breath, my breathing,  to assist and support me to remain Here in the physical with and as my physical body, and not "up in there" in my mind.

New Job – Preparation

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Before I begin writing this I am going to remind myself here, that what I write, is me. And that what I write becomes me. And what I write becomes my inner structure, and therefore to effectively support myself by writing an inner structural support that Stand as what is best for ALL, and that creates a functionally effective human being within the context of what I am currently facing , what I will be facing and where we are going in process in terms of bringing forth equality, an equal money system, a world that is best for all, and a human being that is dignified, self respected, trustworthy, and self honest. So today I met with my new boss to go over some details of the Job I will be doing this summer, which is Landscaping. I experience excitement and anticipation to “get into the swing of things”, and noticed all sorts of questions coming up inside me that really are only able to be answered in time as I walk the process of the job and see what it is all about, and see where I am effective, and particularly see where I will require to breath and support myself to strengthen my resolve in certain areas. I see one area where this will be required is “afterwork” as the job I will be doing I expect to be quite physical and thus one usually is quite ‘tired’ after work, and so may have to breathe in these moments to be able to continue effectively participating within my written work and desteni process stuff. Other than that I at the moment simply require patients and not get ahead of myself. So Just breath and focus on remaining here and not going into my mind at this stage and creating imaginary worlds of what all will happen in the future to the point of creating anxiety inside of myself. I am looking forwards to the job, and also getting a more consistent routine in place and have money coming in. We have a SnowFall warning tonight for the next day or so, so my “ Snow Removal” job may be going out with a Bang Here, or rather...A Flurry!

Equality Either Lives or Dies by Your Hand.

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I see that I wanted equality to manifest, to happen, and then YAH it would be here, be accepted and then one would be able to expressive themselves within this point of equality. Yet I missed the point of “how it would get here” I missed the point that this is actually directly related to my participation. I did not see this, even though I have been told this before, numerous times, but this point escaped me, This point as the clear blue sky became clouded and foggy and I could no longer see this point but all I see is the clouds and the fog. So there is a momentary clearing here so I am writing this down as a record of what I see. I see that Equality is directly related to my participation and expression as equality. The equality that I see and have come to understand within my participation in process is a point which not many see, and this “Not Many” is less than what I even perceive I am sure. I see that I was waiting for equality to come. I see that I did not see myself as the one to bring forth equality. I see that my direct participation with and as equality is directly related to if, when, and how equality emerge. Thus if I hold back, if I wait, then equality sit there dormant. Why...My understanding is as follows. Because people do not understand what equality is as it is being shared in process. Equality is not programmed, meaning it has no points to connect to within the current system. It has no place in the current system. Equality does not exist within this world as this world is this system which has no room for equality...why? Because equality will destroy the system. Why would anything make room for something that will destroy it. Lol. This world is designed to make sure than anyone which support life and self expression feels inadequate. As they become inadequate in the system as that which they support is actually not a part of the system, thus it cannot connect to the system, they cannot connect to the system and end up with not system support, no money, no voice, and perceive themselves as inadequate. So yes I see that I had “sat back” and was waiting. Waiting for more people to come forth and support equality, not considering the point that these people do not just “come forth” but that they must be ‘gotten’ meaning, would I have even realized the point of equality if I had not see a desteni video. Unlikely as I see that the context that desteni presented was not something that I had herd anywhere before. It was as if the entire context of Desteni was “out of this world” Equality is not pre-programmed but must be a self-directive Act. Meaning nothing is going to come to me and say “Hey please talk to me about equality” or I am not going to suddenly stumble upon some ‘outlet’, out there in the system that is a match for my equality ‘plug’ Essentially I see that I and that we within the desteni process are the source of equality and thus it is not “out there” anywhere. We are the very edge, the very outside ripple of equality expanding through our self will and self direction into an ocean that has never touched equality before. Like giving birth to equality if those that stand for equality sit back and wait, then equality also sit back and wait. I have yet to take an “active role” in bringing forth equality by introducing it to others, yet I now see that if I do not introduce it, if I do not bring it forward and place it into someone’s life, they will never see it. They will never have the opportunity that I had when desteni place themselves into my world through by placing the website and placing the videos. It seems difficult at times when my entire world do not understand equality, but it is common sense that if I sit back and wait...that, because the entirety of my world is not aware of this point, that there is no point within my world that will bring this point of equality into it. Thus I cannot wait for it. I am the point within my world that must bring forth the point of equality and the emergence of equality is from this perspective my responsibility. The question is. Why do I give up and give in on this point – Do I really want equality in my world. Am I really willing to do what it takes to bring this point forth into my world so that equality does not only exist within my bedroom! But exist also in my household, my world environment, etc. If I do not ‘spread’ equality than thats it, it stops. ‘Spreading’ Equality is not preaching equality. I cannot convince someone of equality, but I can ‘introduce’ it to them. So that is the point I see. That I am able to introduce equality into my world. And that within this context, Equality either Lives or Dies by my Hand

Anxiety Demon – Shoulders and Back Pressure

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I had an interesting point come up today. I could see today that I was experiencing quite a bit of anxiety. I could immediately identify that yes I was experiencing this anxiety but was not able to pin-point exactly why, or what was the point or points that I was working with/ dealing with. So this energetic possession I experienced moving within me was quite prominent, and I did experience myself being possessed by it as I was not able to relax. This was quite strange because there was not “real reason” why I would be experiencing this point today. From a certain perspective it seemed out of context, that is why it was so odd. Firstly because it was out of context, and secondly it just kind of came over me...in fact if I look I see that I was experiencing this point when I woke up this morning. I have been busy lately and having to direct and move many points so I can relate this energetic anxiety to this, though even in looking at/investigating these points today in relation to this experience I was having, it had no affect on this energetic experience take over. I experienced allot of pressure in my upper upper back, in my shoulders. This point did not “move into a headache” as it often does, but rather I experienced a compounding build up of pressure moving into, and in a way being stored in my shoulders which created quite a pressure and pain and strain there. It was a heaviness there also and a tenseness, so like this anxiety within myself accumulating and building up and sitting in my upper back shoulders area. Then at around 9 oclock tonight the point released. I do experience still traces of this , though I experience myself as more relaxed and actually able to stop. As one of the characteristics of this energetic possession I experienced today is not actually being able to stop. Its like I am stuck on auto mode and I just do stuff, though am not able to be here, and to stop. Its like I am unable to stop myself. There was one specific point which I did eventually get to tonight at around the time I experienced this energetic point release, which was the point of writing some content for my website, but in assessing my daily activities today I did not see that I was suppressing this point, but that I would eventually get to it, which I did, though here, to simply consider the point of am I able to be more specific with myself and that as I move within my process I will require to become more and more specific within myself and within my self-direction. The content I did eventually “get to” around the time the energetic possession point released had to do with sorting out basically the “money aspect” business I am developing. I had some reservations and uncertainties about facing this point as I did not know exactly how I would place the content and also see a point of ‘doubt’ or ‘inadequacy’ within this point I was facing where I saw myself as “not equal to the task”. The task being the service which I will be offering in the business and more specifically the money that I would be asking for it. As the service alone I am confident of, it is when money gets involved that I start to go into a reactive state. I see that I did “create the point” to be ‘important’ where I gave it a certain value as I had actually feared it and was uncertain about it so was in my day often looking at the point and so from this perspective building it up and so experienced some nervousness towards approaching it, but also wanting to get it moving as well. Ok well that’s all for tonight. Andrew.

Environment Changing me is Not Actual Change.

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I was looking at the point of what we as human beings require consequence to change. Or why we has beings, as individuals require consequence to change. Now the reason I place it this way as I have noticed this point within me where I rather than actually will myself to change my nature I rather let it play out until I hit a consequence which will then bring me to a point of actually making a ‘serious’ consideration to change my application, my participation, my nature, my behavior, myself. I place the work ‘serious’ in quotes because even though when there is a consequence I must face which then “push me” to consider change ‘seriously’ I see that I have/had not yet gone deep enough or taken this point seriously enough because what I find is that I don’t actually change. But “forget about it” until the con-sequence come around again and it is the same point over again. So no matter how hard I look or take seriously the point of change, I end up forgetting and back to the same ol’ patterns. And even saying to myself to watch out for forgetting because I have been through that before, yet end up forgetting. When I left the Desteni Farm I was a different person. And what I have found is that since being back in Canada I have really faced myself. Because now from a certain perspective I am in the “Matrix”, lol, that sounds so epic, lol. So Here is how the story goes. I create myself within and in relation to and along with my environment for 26 years. Then, I am taken from that environment and placed into a completely new environment on the Desteni Farm. Then I start to apparently change which is all fine and cool, and I spend two years in this new environment and experience myself differently in that for this two years I participate within the world not like I had previously. Ok cool so now there is some “change occurring”. Then take me out of this new environment and place me back in my old environment and what do you suppose happens. I go back to how I was living before – So what does this show me. That I in fact had not changed. From a certain perspective there was a process of change occurring but within looking at the point I see that this was more of an external change where I was more changing in response to my environment as a kind of from the outside moving inward kind of change. So when the Environment changes then I change, seeing as how the “Change” I experienced on the Desteni Farm was largely from the outside in. I mean if would have taken a point on from the very centre core of myself and changed, more from the perspective of changing me from the very starting point of me...well not “from the perspective of” but rather had actually in fact gotten to the very beginning of me then it would not matter where you place me, and what environment I am in as the change that would be occurring would be from the inside out, and thus the change would be actually be a Self Change. So in many ways this is the point I am seeing with regards to how I have attempted change and that no matter how serious I am about it that I always end up forgetting, as the change is more of an idea and the one Key Factor I see that I am missing is Knowing who I am and actually living and existing as myself here within breath. Because if I am Not Here, then how is change supposed to happen if I am no where to be found, how then am I supposed to change. So from a certain perspective the point I am busy with now is not “changing” per se but rather ‘getting to self’ and being here with self, living and walking that self in every breath, so I can actually walk a point of change. And all it takes is one second and one moment to flee, to abandon myself and off into the mind, and actually not even realize it. I noticed even today I was not Here, yet I was almost Here – lol. Because when I am Here, I know it, but today there exist within me this “point off in the distance” like “what is that” and so I go just looking out over there, just trying to see what it is out there, and in this slight diversion I miss ME all day. So specific.

FREE PARKING and FREE TRANSIT to Cities with EQUAL MONEY SYSTEM.

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Free Parking For ALL. I don’t think so, though with and Equal Money System, having to pay for parking will become obsolete as paying for parking is just another way the government enforces fees and fines onto its people as a way to siphon as much money as possible. This is due to the way the way the current capitalistic system is set up and functions around the world. What happened to “flow of Society” meaning a system which actually support the ‘creativity’ and ‘functionality’ and 'expression' of the human being the society and the world. There was an article in the local paper today discussing the new amendments to the structure of pay-parking within my city. Nowhere was there any discussion or consideration of making parking free for the community nor any indication of the government even being aware that it is in fact possible to do this. Why not just make parking free – Within an Equal Money System there will be no need to pay for parking nor will there be a need for all the other various fees and fines around the city that are set up to suck money from the people at every corner – Literally as this can also be seen in traffic cameras placed at each corner/intersections to fine speeders which has very little to do with safety and more to do with making more money. (Traffic fine revenues which totalled $36.4 million in 2010. The total fine revenue for 2010 is broken down as follows: $18.9 million – officer generated enforcement citywide; $10.9 million – photo radar and $6.6 million – speed on green.) I mean the way a society is set up is quite startling when one see it is like one big vacuum which is designed to just fucking suck the money out of the pockets of the people. Obviously this is necessary within a capitalistic system. And paying for parking is one of those methods. Also paying for transit. Within an Equal Money System the point/requirement to ‘generate’ money to live will be eliminated and thus along with it all the points which in fact inhibit our functionality and expression as a being on this earth, which are solely placed to generate money. Don’t you find it strange that one must require to have money to live in this world. I mean look at this point, it does not make sense. A plant or a tree does not require money to live, it simply lives, it grows. The necessary requirements for the plant or tree exist is given unconditionally! In our world we have taken what occur naturally and imposed a fee on it. I mean you do not have to pay a baby to grow. It is a process which occur naturally – Though what we have done is imposed a system that in fact Suppresses this natural growth, this natural expression of life, as we have Placed and Structured Money in such a way where you Require It to facilitate the best possible growth of yourself as a being on this earth, where IF you have money you are able to have a home, and clean water and good food to eat, so that you grow effectively and your physical is supported, and if you do not have money you are not able to have these things to support/facilitate your natural physical expression. Now that is completely fucked up. Thus one can look at an Equal Money System from the perspective of it being more like how nature operate where the necessary survival points are “given automatically” rather than have to be paid for. Like for example Sun. I mean as humans we require sun to survive it is a basic physical requirement, just as we require water, just as we are unable to stand outside when it is below freezing without proper material support, ie: Jacket – The simple points which support our physical expression. At the moment our system is set up where these points are not unconditionally provided but rather one require money first, and that not all have access to money. Thus within an equal money system all will be given a “Basic Income” in so that they can acquire the necessary basics to grow - food, water, shelter, etc... Within an Equal Money System the Design of money will be re-Designed there will be new “rules” so to speak as to how money will function. It will now simply exist as a unconditional point, like how the sun unconditionally give enough energy for all to grow. Money is the point at the moment which we use to facilitate our movement within this reality and buy our basics of life. Thus within an Equal Money System money will be designed so that it is an unconditional point and issued to all equally. It will be administered equally and unconditionally as we recognize that all require the basic physical points to Live and Grow, such as food, water, shelter, and that at the moment money is what one require to get these basic 'survival' points otherwise their expression is suppressed and will ultimately die if they do not have it – So to say some can have money and some can’t is absolutely deluded and show the lack of 'love' that actually exist in this world. It is in fact playing God and Denying LIFE, I mean what kind of God do you want to be - One that Denys life to some and allows it for others - what a complete fuck up - Or a God that give to all life equally and nurture all points of this existence. Thus an Equal Money System is a System which facilitate the expression of life to all equally so that all have what they require – Not how the current system which is in place as the capitalistic system works, which is in fact a System that Deny Life to Some, and allowing it to others. Suggest to get on board with an Equal Money System as we require a system that Nurture Life, not Deny it. We require to re-create ourselves as Gods which which provide for all that is here and not just for part of what is here www.equalmoney.org

Investigating What it Means to Be Here and to Be Self Present.

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So I was looking at this point of “slowing down” today. Also the point of how I only have so much ‘tolerance’ to do certain tasks for only so long and then eventually I have to take a break. I have been noticing that my attention span is quite short in that I often “take breaks” and work in “bursts of energy”. What I understand, and am working on correcting is not to apply myself within ‘energy’ which is clearly being indicated that I am doing, seen within requiring to take frequent breaks or only having so much ‘tolerance’ or ‘focus’ to perform a task. Instead of rather applying myself within a point of constancy and consistency where I remain stable and consistent in ones application so I do not crash, or run out of energy or existing within jumping back and forth between the two polarities of getting lots and lots done and then going to the opposite polarity and get absolutely nothing done. Rather I am exploring this point of Consistency as to direct myself into and as an application that Stands, and that doesn’t crash every few days, as so far this has been the case. I have always considered myself to be disciplined which to me meant being able to “get tasks done” and not giving into laziness. Though at the moment this “way that I have always considered myself” is not coming through, but rather only existing as a hope at the moment instead of a living application. So one aspect within exploring this point of how to direct and apply myself in my world so I stop ending up in the “crash” is the aspect of slowing down. So what do I mean exactly by slowing down. One dimension of this is “not rushing” interesting I have written about this point quite a bit and yet here I am again writing out the point again. I find this point of slowing down to be one of the coolest points of my process actually because of the moments where in I do actually apply myself within this point of slowing down, and how I see the absolute power that exist within this point of slowing down and remaining here. It is a point of Self Presence where one is Completely Here in what one is doing, and so for myself have found this to be a point or thee point which I see would really support me within my world, within this reality, and within process. I also see that I have gauged my day where in there is only so much possible within a day, and that from a certain perspective I see that I attempt to do waaayyyy to much, and then there is this “holding my breath” that takes place as I move through my day not wanting anything to interrupt me or get in my way because if I step of track for even one second then I won’t be able to get everything done – I see that this is not Self Presence and Self Here and that this is not supporting me to become effective in my day. So I require to direct myself in such a way that I have ample time to direct each point as if comes up and remain effective and “up to date” within the system where the bills are paid and I am feeding myself properly and things like this. I remember in art school and when I used to make lots of art work that I would eat not very much. And that today as well at the end of the night I was starting to feel hungry and realized that I was in fact neglecting this food point and not effectively feeding myself because it just takes to much time and I am attempting to “save time” by not eating as much or by eating out. So Even Here I see this as a problem and that I should not be within such an application where I am trying to “Save time” as this is indicating that I am behind and within an application of energy instead of just being here within breath.