Category Archives: Re-Creating Self and this World

Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing – Sept 19th 2010

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I got up around 8:30. The main point of the day has been ‘application’ . Particularly given my current situation where my days are not structured through and by working a 9 to 5 type job. So at the moment I must structure myself within my application. I have been procrastinating where I am not applying myself in that which is here to be done in that way that I could be, where I will meander about and linger in-between doing tasks and so have not been as effective with my time and space movement within the physical as I would like. I finally got my computer working again today and connected to the internet. My firefox browser would not open youtube,  but every other page it would open, quite odd. I attempted a number of things and finally corrected the point when I re-installed firefox. It was a cool experience to get to know my computer a little more and to organize it and clean it out a bit, and have the applications running clean again. Was like a kind of cleansing of self.  Once up I did some internet work, uploaded a video, and watched some process Vlogs. I have been really finding the process Vlogs to be really cool support. I mean I will watch someone’s process vlog and it will assist me with a point I am working on, and the person who posted the Vlog will never even know.  So I realized that within the structuring of my days, I would like to place a segment of time where I spend time simply watching other peoples vlogs, and basically becoming more intimate with those doing there process and sharing over the internet, so in reading forums etc. And to develop the point of actively supporting people within their process through commenting and replies. Because I see people who are quite effective with this and it is something that I would like to develop within myself as something I “would like to be”. Effective in my communication and support and interaction with others. Just pushing that point of interaction with other beings in all ways really. I noticed that I very quickly in my world go into judgement when I meet new people. Its like immediate judgement, and its a fuck up because I see how when I do that that I completely “cut myself off” from the being out a judgement that I have projected onto them that in actuality, has nothing to do with them. So Also am working on the point of not going into immediate judgement of a being, but rather more of a immediate embrace if you will, where I allow myself to let my guard down and actually interact with the being as equals.

I did some research today on ‘Art Grants’ and also to see what kind of Art related jobs there are around the city. I am at the moment also checking out what is going on in my city with regards to education and looking at different  ideas and options to place myself  within education, whether it be a teacher, or private tutor, or workshops, and also exploring ways in which to form my Art practice and Art into that which will be educational and support the emergence of equality. So yes exploring the Art world a little bit today here in Calgary. Its fucked just like everything else. So just probing it so to speak, to see what’s going on, and where, Artists, and people are placing their attention, and what points they are investigating, and how they are going about doing it. The main point is which I see, is that the Direction of things within this world, which I have been noticing quite prominently also within the direction I see the art world going, is simply self interest. Its like Every fucking Artist, has a different starting point, and heading off somewhere in their own direction. LOL! I understand how this can happen, because I was doing the exact same thing a few years back. Its like no one knows really where they are going. Scattered would be a good way to describe it. The world is scattered, and has not continuity. Fascinating to consider a world where each and every being that exist has the same starting point. The starting point of oneness and equality as that which is best for all.  The point I see also with Artists, is the point of wanting to have the big shows in the big galleries in New York or Where ever, where one in a way is locked into this idea, and there in form their practice around attempting to reach this goal – Like all artists have accepted this as the ultimate goal and have not stopped to actually consider the goal they are chasing. So in seeing these points, I find my experience with regards to Art is kind of like, where do I place myself in, Can I even place myself in, so kind of just like dipping my foot in a little to test to see what people are doing…

Ok I just created a new youtube channel called desteniArt. This way there is a platform for the reformation of Art within this world as simply one point among many that are required to be directed within and as what is best for all.

Writing Self To Freedom – DREAMS

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The first point I will write about is with regards to my dreams last night and one of the more prominent ‘themes’ that the dreams consisted of. During my dream(s) last night I had two occasions where I ended up becoming frustrated and angry, where there was this king of energetic rage that emerged from within me that I then acted on/out. I found/find this interesting because this is not a point which I have been noticing within my ‘waking like’ So in a way am surprised by the content so to speak of the dreams. In one scenario I was cleaning up garbage and there were a group of us doing this, and there was also a deadline in place, like we had to get it all done, now as I cleaned up, one of my bags ripped and the garbage began to spill out all over the place – Fascinating what I see now as I write this point out, is the garbage represents the inner self, what is on the inside, that which is hidden, and suppressed, and not seen, because as the garbage spilled out of the bag, it was noticed that I had placed a few things in the garbage that were in a way placed there in haste, and in not really considering points of common sense. In my house that I am living in right now, we have a place where we are supposed to place the recycling. I have been finding that I at times just through stuff in the garbage because I have defined recycling as a ‘waste’ of time, and not practical, so instead of taking the time to sort out what goes where in terms of recycling, I simply just throw it in the trash. Also because I am new to the house so often no one is around to direct me to the what goes where so I simply just throw the stuff in the garbage. Although I noticed that each time I do this, I experience an energetic charge. One point is guilt, where I see that in those moments of simply just throwing something in the garbage, I am being ignorant, and simply not taking the time or consideration to just investigate for myself the recycling system they have in place because I am sure that if I just put in that “extra effort” that I could actually figure it out, and place the garbage in the necessary piles. So the guilt is related to believing that I am being dishonest. That I am not doing “the right thing” by not recycling everything, and that I am “not taking others into consideration. I also have built up quite a belief system about recycling being useless, not practical, poorly organized, and something that people who are mind controlled do and that they are actually not aware of the implications or are in understanding of what the “action of recycling” actually implies or entails, but that they simply do it because they “believe” it is “good for the environment” and that if you don’t do it, “you are bad”  So part of my energetic reaction/experience which comes up in relation to recycling is that I actually see myself as bad where in I have also formed a belief that recycling is “good” and that if I don’t do it I am being harmful to the environment. Or simply that if I don’t do it, I am actually ignoring the obvious common sense of recycling, and then justifying it by “claiming it is of no use” when in fact it is obvious common sense to recycle. So Part of the point is actually “not knowing” actually what the outflow/consequence of recycling or not is, and in fact if it is “Best for All”. The other point within this is that I often just simply throw stuff in the Garbage because I don’t want to spend the time investigating the point, because I am too busy, as if I do not have time for it, like something I have been “putting off” so to speak, or procrastinating on. Obviously, because it represent a point that Is still directing me from the perspective of that “ I do not understand all of the implications of it” Or have even taken the time to consider, or do research on. Some people are insistent on it! And this is another point within my experience of recycling. It is the rules of the house. And within myself I experience a kind of contempt at or towards those for enforcing a “rule” so vehemently but they themselves do not actually understand, and this content kind of emerge from within me for following rules simply to please other. So from this perspective the ‘contempt’ and frustration I can look at in relation to myself where in I am frustrated with myself for allowing myself to blindly follow rules simply to please the others, and satisfy the accepted standards of the system. So I see within this a point of blame where I am still harbouring resentment, like an inner anger, aggression, hostility towards “the system” for implementing arbitrary rules which actually not based in understanding and then enforcing these rules as if they are actually TRUE, and then insisting that they are true, regardless of if they are not, and in this whole process, simply ‘wasting’ the time of myself and the members of this world, by enforcing/imposing rules that actually enslave the human being into spending there time here on earth doing arbitrary acts to satisfy some “rule” which is not even based in common sense – I mean – What the fuck – Our time on this planet is limited, and I simply don’t want to spend my time doing something that in fact is not required to do as measure of equal and one life support in what is best for all. Because from a certain perspective then it is actually a point of suppression not expansion, where the act of recycling is a point of self suppression and life suppression – which everyone seem to believe is actually “supporting the planet and environment” I mean this planet is so fucked at the moment – What the fuck is the point of recycling, So we can make more useless consumer products so the individual can perpetuate their enslavement through supporting products which actually harm life in their creation and  function. The Act of Recycling is actually an Act of Ignorance, because human beings DO NOT actually know or understand how recycling actually work, and how it actually support the planet, or if it even is – What are we perpetuating through recycling and wanting to save anyways – our current way of living.  Who implemented recycling? Is it really an act in what is best for all – Or is it “worth it” – not to save the environment but because it is cheaper for corporations to recycle than to in fact extract the resource from the earth.  The Question – Is recycling an equality equation of 1+1=2 accumulating to what is best for all? Does anyone actually really understand the process of recycling or are you simply doing it because you “Believe” it is good for the environment, and then enforcing that “belief” which is actually ‘ignorance’ upon others, because you see yourself as “doing good” or being “a good citizen” Recycling is MIND –CONTROL, because no one actually really knows why they recycle, and what the act of recycling actually implies. I read an article which I will post here which at the end states “waste is a design flaw” – This is actually a pretty cool point because this is indicating that we have gotten the whole equation wrong and actually refer to the very beginning as the “Flaw” so to speak – I Agree – We must change the starting point, not just of recycling but of the entire system – so that if Supports All life equally and is what is best for ALL – Recycling as it currently exist is simply an outflow of a system that does not have the best interests of ALL in mind.

Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing

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I am going to write about my day today. The first point I will discuss happened as I was walking through town going from point ‘a’ to point ‘b’ as a was busy doing “system stuff” meaning, getting my taxes done, and dealing with banks and things of this nature. As I stopped at the street corner, waiting for the walk signal to appear on the machine across the street so that I could proceed, I noticed that there were two guys standing on the other side of the street representing some “not-for-profit” organization and they were surely going to ask me if I was interested. I already knew that I was not interested, and simply had planned to walk straight through. The interesting point I noticed as approached the two individuals was the way in which I presented myself as I passed by. As I drew closer I noticed that I began to change my posture towards the two individuals and presented myself in a way which clearly demonstrated that “I was not interested” however within this, I noticed that I “went into a point of energy” where I noticed that I experienced myself actually projecting a kind of energy of ‘force’, almost like what you see in anime comics and videos where the being is able to generate a form of energy, often represented by a king of like blue glowing ball of energy in the beings hands which they are able to throw forwards as I kind of weapon. Well this is exactly what I did, I experienced myself as if I was projecting some kind of energetic force field which definitely was not based in equality, meaning this ‘force’ field was meant to “overpower” the two individuals in front of me, where is was to indicate “look out”, “coming through”, “don’t bother me” “Get out of the way”. The whole event lasted 15 seconds. The question that came up within me was , why did I go into this energy kind of projection presentation of myself? Why did I believe that I had to project this kind of energy? Why was I simply not able to walk past in silence where I do not going into a point of energy. If I look at the point now, my intent was to avoid any interaction at all with the beings in front of me, So I presented myself as not approachable. Although from my perspective I see that a correction is necessary, where in I do/did not require to go into a point of energy presentation and projection in that moment, but am actually able to remain here as myself, as breath, as self presence and simply walk on through, or simply face the point without resorting to energy participation. That was that event. I went to the Art supplies store which was pretty cool, I often enjoy going to the art supplies store and purchasing art supplies for upcoming art. I hadn’t been there in a long time, and am acquaintances with the owners of the store, so said hello to them, and spoke to them I little bit about where I was and why I had not been in the store in over two years, as before I was nearly a daily occurrence in the store. I purchased 4 sheets of paper – which they packaged in a large plastic bag against some cardboard so that the paper would not get damaged. I plan to use the paper to make some comical sense drawings that are a little larger in size. I find now that I am in a way restructuring art into my world so to speak. It has been so long since I lived in the city, that I, in a way have not reference point for how quickly it moves, and/or what type of pace it moves at where in I must ensure that my day to day movements and actions are in alignment with being able to support myself effectively within a city setting. So from this perspective I am still in a feeling out stage, Like I mean, can I even spend 3 hours a few nights a week working on a drawing? Or will this cause me to not be able to make my rent at the end of the month, just points like this I am looking at. Because I find now within my life I am busy arranging it in a way where I can be most effective, where my focus is to in essence “lead by example” from the perspective of what I am doing with Desteni, and the Structural Resonance Alignment course, and Standing within “What is Best for ALL” where in my day to day actions bring forth the necessary changes so to speak to create a world system that support all beings equally and support what is best for all life, and until this is in place, And to direct myself in this way until it is done, and all beings are placed within a point of Equality in FACT, where now All beings are supported equally, and have equal access to education, where beings are in a way “free” from this current system of enslavement that we have created for ourselves. Within this point I also was looking at the point today of “Making an accurate assessment” of the ‘movement’ or ‘pace’ of the city and within doing this was observing my own movement and pace, and that I realized that I was rushing slightly, meaning, If I establish my assessment of the “pace of the city” in so that I am best able to direct myself to be most effective on a “movement” from myself that is in fact ‘Rushing’ and based in ‘energy’ which inevitably will balance out, that I in fact will make an ‘inaccurate’ assessment because it will be based on a “pace” is in a way ‘exaggerated’ So from this perspective I see the point of being effective in my world will come from, not where I rush around as fast as possible and attempt to get everything done kind of assessment of how to effectively direct myself within the city, but rather a stable, constant, expression and application of myself, where I simply move, as breath. This will be sustainable and repeatable, and will give me a much more accurate assessment of what specific actions I must take and when, in order to effectively support myself within my environment. Another point I have observed myself participating in is the point of judgement towards others from the perspective of seeing myself within a kind of exalted position in comparison to others, because I apparently know more than them, or have a more expansive understanding or knowledge base of how this reality operation. Within this I see that I am not actually able to see other beings within consideration of where they are in there process, and that in fact I once stood in exactly the same position as them, and yet, here I am seeing myself as ‘more-than’ that being, and kind of presenting myself as a wise wise being. I also see within this point that I am holding others away from me, instead of embracing them as equals. And communicating with them from the perspective of equality where I stand in equality within communication and interaction, instead of kind of “standing off” or not actually allowing the other or myself to participate and interact within equality, which from a certain perspective is more intimate. Its like I form a judgement of the individual first, who I accept as that being, and then interact with them according to the judgement I have formed about them within my mind. And that this judgement actually creates a wall, a barrier in-between myself and that being which create only a very limited type of interaction with that being. Ok some observations on my day.

MONEY = The True ARTIST of this World – And a New EQUAL MONEY SYSTEM

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Artistic Expression in this world is absolutely limited. Why? – Money. We are Slaves to the current money system and our expressions are also a product and are dependant, shaped and formed by this money system.

Originality does not exist, as everything is Dependant on Money.

If you look at Artists in the Past compared to Now – It is obvious that our skill level to express ourselves within painting and drawing is decreasing at a rapid pace. We claim that now we use video and technology to express ourselves – Yet one have to ask the question – How much of that ‘choice’ of Media is determined through MONEY, what people pay for, or what people want to see, and again, which equals ultimately, what they will pay for.

There is not one single Original Artist in this world. Everyone and their apparent unique expressions are determined, and considered within the requirements and parameters of money. The Fucked up part is that Artists – the supposedly ‘creative’ ones in this world are not able to see this! That in fact the only True Artist in the World is Money. Meaning Money express itself as Money, As a Self Expression of itself. We as human beings do not – We do not ‘Self’ Express – That would mean placing ourselves as the starting point of our expression and actually do what we want to do. Currently We Money-Express, And this is what we call and define as Originality.

That is Why I Stand up and Support an Equal Money System, Because I am interested to see what Art looks like as a self expression.

Within an Equal Money System, for example an Individual who wish to express themselves in Art will have the opportunity to do so from the perspective of SELF expression. Where Money will not Influence what they do, or express from the perspective of they will not have to concern themselves with the point of having to SELL the work to be able to make money to lIve, or from a different angle, they won’t have to concern themselves with “spending to much time doing something that doesn’t bring in any money” which will cause them to not be able to pay rent or buy food.

What we accept as an Artistic Expression today is Absolute limitation. We can do better, although within our refinement of ourselves so to speak, we require a NEW WORLD SYSTEM and NEW MONEY SYSTEM that rather than place individuals in a position where their very survival is at risk when they are born onto this planet, It place beings into a position where they are SUPPORTED!. This is Common Sense. That  one should not have to fight and struggle their way through life, because the system that WE HAVE PUT IN PLACE has specific rules and regulations that WE HAVE CREATED OURSELVES. THUS – We must RE-CREATE our Current World and Economic System to one Founded in Common Sense – Where we create a System which has ‘rules’ so to speak – that SUPPORT ALL INDIVIDUALS that are born onto the planet where ALL CAN LIVE A DIGNIFIED LIFE.

Its Not – Just the way things are and there is nothing we can do about it. Its an actual system that we as humanity have created, and implemented over time which now currently exist, and that this system, that we have created – Was simplistically, Not in the BEST INTEREST OF ALL. So the Principle in Establishing a New Money and World System, will be done so from the starting point of EQUALITY – Where ALL beings are considered, and what is best for All is the foundation of the new system. That is Common Sense.

So for an Apparent Evolving Race of Individuals Let’s Form and Create a Planet that Supports Expression – Let’s Stick to the Common Sense that we can all now see within,  How NOT to create a World System. There is no need or requirement to repeat the past – Let us ‘move on’ so to speak from this – All information around an Equal Money System can be found at  http://www.equalmoney.org  So lets educate ourselves on what we require to do to make this world a dignified life for ALL and a Dignified life for the Children and those we are currently bringing into this world.

http://www.equalmoney.org/

The ‘STING’ of Self Judgement and Correction to EQUALITY

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First thing I will start with is I was stung in my right hand today, twice! by wasps. At the moment my hand is starting to look like a marshmellow because it has gradually swollen up more and more since being stung. There were lots of wasp nests on the cut-block we were planting today, and I managed to run into two of them. Sometimes you don’t see them because they are underground, and you end up planting your shovel right into the nest…then you run. I have not been stung yet this year, so found it interesting and “out of the ordinary” that I was stung twice on separate occasions in almost the exact same spot, that being the right hand. I hold my shovel with my right hand, so some words to describe the ‘shovel-hand’ would then be ‘power’, ‘force’, ‘masculinity’, and ‘strength’ Today I was working out of the same ‘cache’ (place where the trees are kept) with two of the stronger planters on our crew, so the point of comparison came up, and I used them as a ‘pacer’ where I would pace myself in relation to them and try and plant as fast as them. I took the opportunity to do this to support myself in building up my speed. Its like learning from someone else. Although the ‘problem’ occur when it turns into comparison where I begin to judge or define myself according to how fast I can go/plant in relation to them. When I was initially stung by the wasps I looked at the point of comparison then also and how I could see that within my mind I was busy defining myself according to the fast planters and attempting to build myself up or my personality up as to be a “fast planter” and within this also defining and attempting to place myself on a ‘higher-rung’ or ‘positioning’ within the ‘hierarchy’ of the crew. However now in looking at the point I see the point of weakness’ also from the perspective of when I was slower than the others, that I judged/believed myself to be ‘weak’ or ‘weaker’ than or ‘less than’ them. So from this perspective I am able to relate the ‘Wasp-Stings’ as being the physical manifestation of what I was already doing to myself within my mind – which was attacking/stinging and judging myself and others with regards to ‘strength’, ‘power’, ‘masculinity’.

I have been aware of and applying myself within the correction of this point, although at times find myself slip back into the point comparison.

The corrective application to this point is to plant from the perspective of SELF. Where my attention is on SELF as self discipline in breath and remaining here in full attention of SELF as the PHYSICAL, where I am aware of my breath, and each and every movement of my body, in every movement. I do not accept and allow myself to ‘rush’ as within ‘rushing’ I am attempting to push and move myself with my mind in such a way where I am no longer aware of my physical body in every movement and each and every breath. I do not accept and allowing myself and my application to be influenced in any moment particularly where/when I go into comparison towards others, within my mind.
Rather, I plant/work/live for me and do not accept and allow myself to plant/work/live from the perspective of “being seen in a particular way” – that is personality. I am equal to all beings, thus to believe that I am more than, or unique, through how people see me, is the MIND, and when I see this occur, I stop immediately and correct myself in a single breath, where I, in a moment re-establish my starting point, as SELF, as self movement, direction, discipline, within the principle of equality. I breathe and I continue with full attention here as self as the physical in and as breath.

Money is the SOUL of the Individual

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An interesting point has come up of late, On the one hand, you have “this current system” (based in separation/greed/self interest) and on the other hand, you have “A New System” (based in equality/support/bestforall) which is not yet here, but is that which I stand for. As I walk my process in this world each day, I see more and more, the subtleties of “this current system” and how it impacts, shapes, forms, and influences everyone’s lives, particularly relating to the point of ‘money’ being a foundational keystone of this current system and this point specifically influence individuals in this world. I find within seeing the extensive degree of influence and control money has, and how it shapes and forms this world in every way, I become more wanting to speak up. Where I find a passion inside of me wanting to BURN this current system to the ground. I have been finding this point coming up allot lately within my Job in seeing how money influence the behaviours, moods, and experiences of everyone within the job. Where ones entire experience of themselves throughout the day is dominantly formed by money, by the influence and role money plays within this world, which essentially, I have found at my job, is the determining factor of whether a persons day is good or bad. Personal Self Expression is no longer being taken into consideration. In fact, That would be a good question for me to ask some of my co-workers. Whether or not they see or understand the difference between an experience of self based in self expression, and the experience of self based in the influence of money. And what people have to say about spending 10 hours a day every day being moved, being animated, by money, as if money is the blood in there veins, is the energy source which propels them through there workly tasks, which moves their arm this way, which pushes them to make this decision or that, in every moment, The accepted ‘life force essence’ of the individual, has become money to such a degree, that they cannot notice or distinguish this “kind of expression” from actual self expression, where one do something from the starting point of enjoyment.
Yet here I am, participating within this system, as this is the current system in place. Thus, must utilize it at the moment to support myself within this world. But the more and more I participate within it, the more and more I see how this system is not supporting life in a way which support life as self expression, as perfection, as expansion. But rather further and further ‘enslaving’ if you will beings into experiences and expressions of themselves in this world which are now, from my perspective almost entirely void of self and almost exclusively if not entirely those which have money as the soul of this expression or experience. The essence of the experience of a being on this earth is Money.
This is why we require a new money system, to kill the soul of the individual, because at the moment this soul, is money. And equal money system would effectively eliminate this point, so we could “move on” and deal with other points, But until the money point is sorted out, we are ‘stuck’ here. An equal money system would effectively transform the human being, it would rip the soul of the human being, the life essence which is currently money our of the fabric of the human being, Ripping and tearing it out of the centre of themselves, where within an equal money system, the being would/will then only realize the extent of control that money had over them. How it flowed through their veins without them even knowing.

Self Forgiveness on ‘COMPARISON’ and ‘MONEY’

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind within thoughts, ideas, worries, concerns, emotions and feelings related to planting trees from the perspective of “being a good planter” and “making lots of money”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the constructs and networks of thoughts, ideas, concepts, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and emotions and feelings within my mind related to treeplanting from the perspective of “being a good planter” and “making allot of money” instead of simply breathing here in the moment and applying myself in the moment and allowing myself to let go of “that which goes on in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the mind and specific “trains of thoughts” that emerge or come up in my mind, simply because they “do” come up and thus automatically allow myself to participate within them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a good planter
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the energetic experiences that come up within my about “being a good planter” in comparison to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself occupy myself within comparison where in I give my attention to comparing myself to others and seeing myself in relation to others within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want to win”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want to win” from the perspective of “not being satisfied with myself” unless I win, and am better than others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to outperform others from the perspective of attempting to satisfy myself within and as myself
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be satisfied with myself from the perspective of not requiring me to compare myself to others to gauge my satisfaction, but rather simply me being satisfied with me without needing or requiring to compare myself to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that through comparison and creating defining myself according to others within comparison that I will finally be able to be satisfied with myself and there in within this be able to just stop and relax because “I will have arrived” and finally I can rest.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply just “do my own thing” from the perspective of not requiring to perform at a specific level so that others see me within this and as this, so that I can “be comfortable with myself” through having effectively created a picture/idea/personality of myself which is supported by me, and others as a “form” which we all agree on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my attention and energy on “building up” an idea of self, instead of existing here as breath, one breath at a time, and no longer accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my mind where in I create ideas within my mind of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how other people see me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am what others say, believe and see me as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself according to presenting myself in such a way that others agree with, and furthermore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to others, and what others say/believe/see me as in anyway whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘care’ what others think of me from the perspective of shaping/creating/defining/presenting myself in a way which will “make me feel better” based on how others define/see me through what I present to them as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better than me, and within this, constantly attempt to ‘create’ myself within comparison to others who I see/believe are better than me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not plant the most trees for my company than I am less than those that do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not planting more trees than everybody else than I am compromising myself from the perspective of what I am capable of and my abilities, and within this am existing in limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of trees I plant in relation to others is a direct reflection of my abilities in this world and the ‘success’ I will have in the system from the perspective of being successful at painting and other business ventures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others that plant more trees than me are smarter than me, more skilled than me and more disciplined than me, wherein I then experience myself as ‘down’ and “not as good” as them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘connect’ treeplanting to my future ventures within the world and believe that If I am not the best planter or one of the best planters on the crew that I will ultimately be limited in my other ventures to my performance treeplanting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my performance or ‘standard’ that I set here planting will determine my future success in this world, where in I am limiting myself where in I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and agree within myself that I am and will be “locked-in” to what I ‘achieve’ here planting, and thus I must be “one of the best” because this will determine who I will be in the future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that “the amount of money” I make here while planting will “set a standard” of my capabilities which I will locked into and that I will not be able to “break-out of” and so within this I want to do a good job.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply walk step by step, breath by breath, and allow myself expand myself within this world constantly from the perspective of not accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and participate within my mind in relation to money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear, from the perspective of money and what will happen in the future, related what I have set out to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify participating with fears/anxieties/thoughts/emotions and feelings relating to money and the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear failing and “getting stuck” without a job, which in turn will cause my plan not to work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my plan will not work out
I forgive myself that I have automatically accepted and allowed myself to expect my plan to not work out which thus cause me to go into fear and anxiety about the future, where in I simply just believe that my plan will not work out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is ‘difficult’ to set a plan in this world and have it work out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine the success or failure of “my plans” based on the what I have done/experienced in the past instead of allowing myself to walk ‘anew’ each day one breath at a time, and no longer accept and allow myself to define myself according to “who I was in the past” but actually in self walking here in breath, will and rebirth myself into this reality as effective within this world and the system in terms of support and functionality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is difficult to make money within this world. Where in I am arriving at this conclusion without even first walking the necessary steps to make sufficient money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people that are effective at making money to possess something that I do not, instead of me standing equal to them, and giving myself the gift of realizing my equality with them.

Within this Self Forgiveness I see the point of defining my future success in the world in relation to my performance within treeplanting. In connecting these two points I then went into comparison towards and with the other planters within a kind of “franticness” where I believe that “if I am not the best” here and now, that I will fail in this world, and not make it. So what I see is that I have a belief /fear inside me of failing in this world, and ending up with no money, or stuck somewhere with no money and in this no freedom, but trapped in way. And that this fear/belief was actually coming though or causing me to go into comparison in the specific way that I was/am within my job treeplanting towards others.
When I look closer at this point I see that also when I was in art school I was already participating within this construct of wanting to “be the best” which at that time I has also linked to money and freedom. And that if I was going to make it as an artist, that I had to be one of the best, as this was the only way that I would have enough money to “buy my freedom” in my life. Something that I was already at that time determined to do, to have enough money to “be free” in this world, and not have to struggle to get by.
I always liked winning races and coming in first place in my younger years, but at that stage, I had not yet linked the point to money, but more to the point of people seeing me a certain way, a point of worthiness or specialness or acceptance.
I remember when I was art school, I experienced dominance in relation to art, where I experienced myself as “above” other in this regard, where I in a way “stood over or above them” I liked this experience, as I could then speak with confidence about art and speak to them about there art where they would listen to what I had to say, and consider what I had to say as important, I liked that.
But in terms of a ‘fear’ where I triggered a fear within myself where I then feared about money was what comes up at the moment is my student loan. When I signed the papers to get my loan to go to school. It was at that step when I was around 19 or 20 years old that money was now linked to art, and that I ‘had’ to make money with my art to pay back my loan otherwise I would have to stop making art and do something else to make money to pay back my loan. So it was at that stage where the whole point of dominance I experienced and specialness in relation to others around the point of art, mutated merged with the point of money to give entire construct another layer to it.
In terms of developing a belief that I was/am unable to make money doing art, or be successful within the context of “making money” interestingly enough I see in relation to before art school when I was involved in ice hockey, where the point of playing professional hockey came into play. To play professional hockey meant making allot of money which I was aware of. Eventually it got to the point where it just seemed like “I wasn’t good enough” and in this saw or defined myself as a failure at this point which encompassed the point of “making allot of money in this world” which at this juncture of my life, I saw myself as having failed at. So in a way, believing that I will be unable to make money with my art can be related to “my past” where I failed at making money as a hockey player. Before the Hockey point I had never really considered much, if anything to make money in this world. So in a way, becoming a hockey player was my first attempt, which “in my eyes” I failed at doing, and in this saw myself as “less than” and ‘weak’.

Wanting to be the Best Worker

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I am quite tired at the moment, it is around 9pm but I was up at 6am and my job is physically demanding. Especially when money enter the equation because when money is involved I find myself moving at a pace to make money, not something that is “natural” so to speak, That is one point I noticed about my job, is how money influence the ‘pace’ at which everything moves and “how hard” the people work. For myself I found a few times that I would end up getting hurt if I “moved to make money” then I would have to slow down and move at a pace which support my body, and not necessarily make the most possible money each day at the expense of my physical body. I find this is still quite a point though that comes up daily while I work. This point of making money and also this, in comparison to how much money other people make. I find at the end of each day, my experience of myself goes into a energetic fluctuation being ether positive or negative depending on how much money I made in comparison and relation to the other workers, instead of me simply being here with me, where my experience does not depend or rely or is determined by outside influences, I am aware of this point but find it still comes up daily. One of the points is that I like being seen as good treeplanter, Its like I experience myself as a “good planter” where others see me as a “good planter” and in a way see me as special in a way. Within this I find the experience of myself within my movements is much different, where when I go into the experience of “being seen as a good planter” its like I activate this personality of myself and feel important, and unique. Then at the end of the day when I find out that actually I was just average, and all my specialness is removed, it is as if I can no longer justify me building up myself, through generating a specific energy inside myself through participating with specific thoughts as me being special and unique and thus, I experience a kind of low. Its interesting actually because as I write about it, I actually see that In fact go into a ‘low’ energy where I actually think less of myself, and build up a negative energy of myself though judging myself, as if I am letting myself down, and the only way to ‘feel good about myself’ is to make more money than my fellow employees, so that I am the one seen in the special light. Than I can feel good about myself, but until then, I am just ordinary. I must look at this point more specifically because even though I am aware of the pattern, it has yet to stop, thus I must look at how I created this whole point throughout my life. But as for now I am going to go to sleep, I am tired.

Internet Support Structure for those Standing for Equality

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The last few weeks have been interesting as I have gotten back into Canada and have begun establishing myself once again into this world. Reconnecting myself, plugging myself “back-in” to the matrix. This ‘integration’ back into the system has been quite a point I am currently busy walking. One of the dimensions of this “walking back into/integrating” myself back into the system has been the point of “doing this alone” from a certain perspective and experiencing the point of me walking into an environment where what I have come to understand as equality and what I have decided to “stand as” from the perspective of equality is not understood necessarily by others, and that within this, there is certain aloneness. My process of doing this has particularly been one of really being faced with ‘myself’ from this point of aloneness I mention because of the ‘way’ I have begun my integration process back into the system. My focus since returning to Canada has been the point of making money, and within placing this as priority for myself, I have not had the opportunity to “stay connected to” the internet which offers a support structure created by and through the participants of desteni to assist and support themselves and others who have decided to walk and stand as and for equality within this world. So at the moment I have had to let go of that support structure just for a moment as I get myself ‘settled’ within this world from the perspective of ensuring that I have sufficient money to support myself and be able to move and direct myself within this world. In a way there is a fear there as well, a fear that I would lose that support structure, and “get lost” within the system. So I am in a way facing this point also. Facing the point of being able to stand without the support structure which I have in a way had to do for practical reasons related to work as I get myself established.

I must say though it was a very cool experience today, as today we had a day off work and I managed to get myself to an internet connection where I could spend some time on the computer doing desteni related stuff. The ‘cool’ point was to see how the support structure on the internet of those supporting desteni and the point of equality is growing and how much this assisted and supported me within participating within this. I experienced a real point of support there, something substantial that I could/can utilize to assist and support myself in my process of “standing up” within this word. And also to see the point of others also “standing alone” in there processes where I can see that I am not actually alone in this, and that there are others also who are walking just the same as me, and facing similar points of standing up within situations and scenarios where they may experience themselves alone, or misunderstood, or frustrated, or empowered, or enjoying themselves, and in this sharing their experiences over the internet for others to see and relate to, and which may assist another in there process also. So that was a pretty cool point that came up today.