Category Archives: Re-Creating Self and this World

Daily Writing – Oct 2

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Daily Writing – Oct 3

The Point of “Not Having a Job” has come up in a SRA session, so I am going to write about it here, as this has been a prominent point now that has been coming up. Today and yesterday in particular I have noticed more thoughts coming up with regards to this point. The experience in relation to these thoughts as been, ‘heavy’, ‘dark’, ‘black’, Like ‘Tar’ and “Heavy Dark Clouds” I have been ‘fighting’ within this point from the perspective of ‘attempting’ to remain Here as I direct myself during my day, and not go into the experience, but I have found this point is like a point that sits inside of me, like a point of dishonesty. I see this experience as a “Resonant Point”.  The memory of the Farm comes up now, where I was going through a similar experience of “Resonant Possession” which I see as ‘Fear’. Though I cannot recall the exact point I was going through, I simply remember the experience I was having was like a ‘Fear’ or ‘Anxiety’ that just sat heavy in my chest and I could not “shake-it” no matter what I tried, also this is the same point that I had coming up within the Agreement where it was like a ‘point’ that prominently discordant with the rest of everything else and within this cause ‘warble’ in a way that start very small, and expand and expand until I am consumed by this intense energetic fear’ anxiety sitting in my chest. This Experience in relation to ‘work’ and ‘job’ is exactly this point of resonant possession that went through on the farm. So I must look at this point. The point with the agreement I found that I had to direct myself to “make a decision” within the agreement to either continue or not, and found that within looking at the point, that they only way to actually ‘address’ the “inner warble” from the perspective of directing that discordant point within myself was to end the agreement within the decision to “go back to the matrix” So if I look at this point here now what do I see. Firstly that I am experiencing fear because I don’t have a job lined up. I have enough money to last me for about another two to three weeks. So the thoughts and experiences coming up are – “what If I can’t find a job” I mean the experience I am having at the moment is that of fearing running out of money. Plain and Simple, that is the fear. It is not weather what I am doing is effective or not, it is the point simply of fearing running out of money, and not being able to find a job from the perspective of being ‘stuck’ and then having to go back to my parents house, but now this is just getting into projection.

Another point that has been coming up today is the point of SRA, because as I write out this point here, the point of using SRA to look at the point comes up, yet within this there is a frustration because I am so all over the map with SRA, meaning, I still have not established a stable foundation for this application yet. I today have just now signed back up so am busy downloading every lesson from the beginning so that I have Everything Organized as that will be my starting point for starting again with SRA. The last few month have been difficult because I have not know weather or not to Do SRA or to just stop until I signed back up, so occasionally I would do a little bit here in there on my own, but felt “out of place” and ‘disconnected’ due to the fact that I was not signed up for SRA, and did not have a buddy, and was kind of just “on my own” this application was not effective as I ended up experiencing myself that I was not getting anywhere with my sessions. So today when I went onto the Forum I noticed that everyone was doing the lessons in what seemed like an orderly fashion and I just felt overwhelmed and frustrated , like, shit I have to start from the very beginning again to get this point stable and effective, and so just say off into the distance with no end in site so to speak. Ok Self Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am “way behind” with SRA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am lost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust a feeling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust thoughts feelings and emotions of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I did my sessions wrong and that I was ineffective with my SRA structural development and thus have not solid foundation and that my whole process with SRA thus far is pointless and counts for nothing, and that I must start ALL over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealously towards others who seem to have all of their SRA in order.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into frustration over this point, within defining myself and seeing myself as “someone who is unorganised”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not effective with SRA, and that what I have done thus far is irrelevant and not valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to count myself out so quickly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my application of SRA instead of forgiving myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into memories of myself within writing and how I experienced myself as so ineffective within this point.

I see this one memory in particular where I was sitting at the computer and I had been working on an Essay for days then. I have written something like 6 copies of the essay and could just not get the thing to work. I experienced so much frustration, sadness and anger, This is the exact point that I am experiencing at the moment which has/is coming up with SRA. Even as I write this point out here I see the experience of frustration coming up and anger and sadness, particularly because I have not “structure” to place and organize my writing in. I mean SRA is supposed to be that structure and mine is not effective, and I have not established a structure yet to place each point specifically and be able to see and ‘direct’ that point within clarity and within context. So this is a bit frustrating that this point has not yet come through.  Its like I just fucking write, I just write in the moment when it comes up and when its over, its over. Although now, I am lost because I have never bothered to structure the points that come up in a way which supports me so that I do not ‘repeat’ myself which is the point I see coming up here. That I have done so much work, so much writing, so many pages, and I feel as if all of this work is ‘lost’ and that I have to “do it all over” because I did structure myself effectively and all this work that I have done, is now incomplete, and disorganized. Like a mess inside me. And I don’t know weather to continue, or to abandon ship and start all over again.

So these have been two prominent points that I have been experiencing today.

There is also the point of doing to many things, and not actually getting any flow or rhythm in what I am doing because its like I do 100 little things each day, and never get a rhythm and actually get results.  Its like I am spread out all over the place, So I must address this, I see it as I have/am attempting to do to many little different things in one day, and because of this never actually get past the surface of anything and get in a little deeper because I don’t give myself the time a space to do so. So must look at this point. One practical solution would be to Structure my days based on a week rather than on a day, meaning I don’t do everything everyday, but rather spread out the tasks to only certain specific days where i can do this.

So getting back to the job. Ya I experience fear with this point. Like when I sit down to draw, because I actually sat down to draw today, this fear comes up. If someone Handed me 5000 dollars right now, I surely would not rush into a job, this indicates that “it is not the job” per-se that is causing the anxiety and fear within me from the perspective of “what I am doing here at the moment with internet work and some drawing once and while” being not valid and that I must find a job that is more practical and supportive in this reality – The actual point here is cold hard cash. This is the priority point as to why I am experiencing this anxiety resonant point, I mean I look at it, if I had sufficient money, the anxiety and fear, would simply not be here.

Fascinating – So in seeing this point I can stop with the Guilt within doing art, although I see this guilt point in relation to art actually being linked to money – will have to look closer at this.

Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing – Oct 1 2010

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Ok time for daily writing.

So today was day 1 of 21 days of Self Direction. I Started this application as a way to assist and support myself within this process of Standing Up and Standing Stable. The primary reason I ‘placed’ this point was to have a structural support which establish clear application guidelines from the perspective of before placing this 21 day application, I understood the point of applying myself in self honesty, and that within this I was beginning to develop some consistency though I continued to allow “moments of mind possession to take over” and thus have started this application to simply clarify for myself How I will stand, and what I will not accept in terms of actually placing a definitive decision where there is “no mistake” as to what I am doing, how I am applying myself, and the guidelines there-in. And so I walk 21 days of Self Direction. Within this One of the primary focus points is to STOP those moments where before I would allow “mind possession” these moments specifically I am referring to here are those ‘smaller’ moments or moments which I allowed myself participation within the mind due to not having clear definitive principles in place. I simply allowed a certain level of vagueness and obscurity to remain within me, which acted as a “back-door” or ‘vial’ with which I could in moments, quickly slip out of sight and into the mind.  So within this application my attention is Here with Self in every moment where I do not accept and allow myself to justify participating within the mind in those instances that I have clearly seen for myself are the mind, but had not effectively directed yet and continued to “slip into” thus within 21 days of Self Direction, I am taking those points which I have seen for myself as being “the mind” and I am Stopping, and I am simply remaining Here with and as myself as breath. As Silence.

So now looking at any big reaction/energy points I had today.

Was actually a fairly ‘even’ day. I got signed up to SRA again today, so looking forward to participating here again. It is a point that I stopped when I left the Farm. Though initially I attempted to continue with it, I eventually had to stop due to my situation requiring to get settled first. Over the last two weeks I have been getting my SRA stuff together and continuing with doing some sessions on myself. I kind of experience myself all over with the SRA, probably due to the fact that I have not been enrolled in the course and thus have not set guideline or direction in this way.

Anyways today I just organized a bit, and did a little of everything. I have been doing allot of that. Like doing multiple things during the day, spending a little time on each one.

I really feel like I have nothing to write tonight. Just cant get the flow here.

When I woke up, I experienced myself as being awake, I got up when my alarm went off and did not lay in bed as long as usual. Perhaps tomorrow I will take on the point of getting up with the first breath. Where in I open my eyes, in on breath direct myself out of bed and into the day, and not allow for that moment where I go ‘oooohhhhhh just 1 more minute’

I took some photos of my Art today, so I can place them on the Etsy Website. I place at least one item a day on there. I am testing out the principle of 1+1=2 where when one apply oneself consistently on a point day in and day out, eventually it will grow. So this has been an interesting process because I have yet to sell an Item. However the point is to apply myself within consistency, and continue to add one item a day, brick by brick by brick, and not go into points of energy in relation to this but to keep it simple, and based on principal of consistent application. I most definitely would have given up already before due to thinking and believing that my work is just not meant to sell. I mean now when these thoughts come up, I simply stop them, and see the point for what it is, it is irrelevant what thoughts and emotions and feelings come up in relation to this point, If I continue to place items consistently 1 by 1 by 1 eventually I will make sales. And so this is a cool platform to test myself in this application of applying self in consistency and constancy and slowly but surely compounding the point. And also it has been cool to see the reactions and energetic fluxes I have in relation to this point, like for example when I see that nothing has sold and the thought comes up “how long am I going to have to wait” and I simply do not participate, I mean for a moment I might go into the thought, but have been quite clear on what is energy and thought and mind, and what is principal. And thus simply stick to the principal and not the mind. So has been cool support in this way to. I Think I have around 30 Items now, or 25 or something like that. So I will just keep placing. This point of applying myself within constancy and consistency I developed since I joined desteni, particularly this point of understanding came through while at the Farm. And this now is the one of the first opportunities I have had to apply it here in the Matrix, from the perspective of applying the principal of consistency and 1+1+1+1…to support myself here in the real world. Pretty Cool. But that’s it for the writing.

Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing – Sept 30th

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Writing out my day.  I fixed a gas leak in my van today. It had started leaking about half a month ago but I avoided fixing it because it wasn’t a “big problem” but it got worse until yesterday and today, gas was leaking all over the place. Though today I planned to direct the point, which I did, which I am quite satisfied about. I have never really done any work on vehicles by myself before, so this was actually a pretty cool experience. I mean it was a very basic job, but I managed to assess the point where the problem was, and then asked around some to get some info regarding how what might be some good options, then today I went and purchased the part and took out the old leaky one and replaced it with the new part. Even though it worked out, I noticed that during the experience of doing this that I was not clam, or stable or constant within my application. I see this point as the survival point which I was writing about last week with regards to the experience that comes up inside me “like clockwork” everyday around noon. Though with this point I also see here the point of “wanting to get done with the dirty work” and get onto something ‘better’ Also within this whole point there came up the point of the “reward system” where that now because I did this “physical labour” stuff today, that I can/could reward myself for this because it is an apparently undesirable point to have done. The overall point here being that I still define and separate activities where in I give them different values depending on what they are and how I have defined myself according to them, instead of me just being here with me, Stable, walking, Here, Constant within my application of myself in directing myself in what is best for all in every moment. So this experience today revealed a layer within my self creation that requires to be corrected and brought into alignment with my self directive process of applying myself here in the moment as breath in what is best for all.  I experience this point as if walking along a pathway and then all of the sudden coming to a point in the road is completely caved away and there is gaping crevasse before me with not stable crossing. So this experience today simply revealed where I am required to be more specific in “getting stable with myself” so back to the drawing board. Some points I see within this.

1.)    I am attaching value to specific ‘types’ or kinds of tasks

2.)    I have limited myself to only being able to “remain here/constant” in specific tasks and specific environments where in as soon as I am removed from my ‘comfortable’ tasks and placed into a new environment, I go into polarity, and energy, and fluctuation.

So within this I am required to sort out the point of ‘moving environments’ where my stability as myself and my application there of, of establishing stability and consistency for myself must be ‘re-considered’ as this point was revealed within this point today to be unstable.

Also the ‘reward system’ came up again where in I allowed myself to go into the experience of believing that I deserve a reward for ‘working’ and now I can relax. I noticed this came up the other day as well when I was working at the furniture store, where when I came home, I had already accepted that I could just relax if I wanted to because “I worked today”. So simply the point of stop defining what I do within the context of allowing myself to go into an experiential value of the task at hand, which then I inevitably must “come out of” which cause fluxuations within my stability and my standing here as breath as stability no matter what, no matter where I am. So because my stability break at these points, I end up going into the mind and just fucking around or procrastinating, and becoming highly ineffective, and actually get nothing done. So it is these moments of where I have defined my tasks within a value system that create a crack so to speak in my foundation of stability as myself, where in I “slip-out” and go into the mind.

That was the main event today. I still am noticing though, that I have allot of lose ends with regards to my “self system” this point I see can be corrected through slowing down. Instead of attempting to plow through every day, rather pace myself, it is a long process, and when I apply myself within a point, place myself there fully.

So yes I noticed today that I have this pattern of applying myself for a day or two than falling for a day or two than applying me for a day or two and building me back up and falling for a day or two, so again here I must re-establish my starting point of my application  to put a stop to this cycle. As the loops are turning over quite quickly so I see this as a point of either stand now or get to the point of falling and staring back over at the beginning. So today is day one of 21 days of Self Direction, where I apply myself within and as breath, and not allow myself to go into “mind points” because I have noticed that “to go into the mind” is a decision I make, and thus see the point, and will use this 21 days as a platform to support me standing up and walking out of this shit. Like for example where I come across a segment in my application/myself that is not clear or stable and come crashing down, it is within these points that I do not necessarily have to simply just crash and go into my mind. I can ‘crash’ so to speak at these unexpected points, but it is to remain here in breath no matter what, no matter how it seems like nothing wants to give, just remain here as breath instead of giving in and giving up.

Another interesting point today came up as I was working on my Art Shop. There is this other shop that people talk about on the art shop that I am currently on, and so I decided to give this other shop a look, which I had once before. They were offering a deal today to sign up and I had already contemplated signing up before, and so today decided to go for it. After doing this I then experienced a kind of guilt, as during this whole process so far with selling my art online, I have experienced this point of guilt in a way from the perspective of seeing myself as being self dishonest, and that this point was heightened today when I paid to now join this other site. I experienced it as if I was/am wasting my money and my time. I actually felt disgusting afterwards, like I had paid for sex or something. So this point of Disgust continues to come up as I work with these art shops, and today it came up quite overwhelmingly when I signed up for this other shop. This is in large part due the fact that now to maintain two shops would be so much time, and actually not an effective use of my time with regards to “doing what is best for all’ Its like I am in a way desperate for money. Which I am. I mean anyone that live/exist in this city, must actually work for money, though I cannot seem to be able to justify this point, with the art shops.

Ok going to sleep now.

Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing Out My Day – Sept 30th 2010

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Writing Out My Day Here.

I woke up to go to work today. I experienced some resistance to this, and apprehension, which is why I slept in until 9:00am instead of getting up earlier. I used work as a kind of reward system, like my reward is getting to sleep in because I have to go to work, so enjoy the comfort while it lasts. In the morning it was the first time in a while where I actually “had to be somewhere” so I was a bit pressed, like the first time I was obligated to be somewhere. I was a bit nervous and also excited to see what the day would bring. This was my first time giving a hand at this shop ‘for real’. Helped out before but was for very short time. Anyways Firstly I had to “deal with my Van” as there was a gas leak problem and the thing not starting all that well, and my passenger window was stuck down. Because of this I experienced some tightness within myself the night before and in the morning, hoping and wondering that things would work out. As I write this I see’ experience this point of tightness also in relation to my ‘student loan thingy’ where I placed in the wrong digits on the application and then they did like an ‘audit’ thingy on me, so facing this point at the moment as well and walking though. Before work I went to buy some tools, as I thought that I could be able to afford this. I am becoming more selective with regards to what I buy, as I have not definitive stable point of income yet in place, though today was cool because it was a start, although I see that even though it does help, it does not ‘satisfy’ this ‘survival’ point with regards to needing a certain amount of money to survive, and thus see still that there is a point of anxiety in me still that ‘runs deeper’ than what this “helping at the shop today’ ‘covers’ in terms of providing some income. So I purchased some tools and headed out to the parking lot to attempt to ‘jimmy’ my passenger side window up as it was stuck down and they are automatic. But I was at least satisfied that I made it to the hardware shop because I was slightly nervous that this was going to be a big problem and that my van might not even start in the morning, though as I write here I see that this point was primarily a projection of feat of the “expecting the worst” and having bad things happening to my van and me having to pay allot of money and things like this. So Here I was in my van, with the plyers crammed into the window seam and I was trying to yank the window back up but it would not budge, I gave it few attempts and felt slightly embarrassed as a man walked by and saw me trying to do this. I experience a point of self consciousness relating to how I have defined myself where in I saw myself through the mans eyes as being ‘just some kid’ with a piece of junk car. Interesting because I see the point within me where I “don’t want to be see this way” as the person with the beat up car and struggling to get by. From a certain perspective I identify this point of “struggling to get by” as a point that I in a way used to live, and experience emotional turmoil around, like sadness, and low self worth and points like this. So as I came back to Canada, this was one of the points that I was in a way determined not to accept and allow to exist as me and within my world. So in that moment when the man walked by, there was a degree of my expression where I was “attempting not to live that way anymore” where I was trying to ‘pull’ myself out of that was of being as there I was attempting ‘pull’ my window back into place, where I could restore or quickly correct these mis-alignments which I identified and connected to this “old pattern”  So just wanted everything back in place again. Moving on – I checked my watch and realized that I had to be a work in 15 min so had to put the window thing on hold – I hopped in the drives seat and the van started up and I was on my way. I figured I would be meeting some new people today at work, so this would be interesting to see how I experienced myself in relation to meeting new people. I find I still have the point within me where in the “back of my mind” I am wanting to meet or come into contact with a girl that is around my age or is ‘compatible’ with me, which if I look at the point would be any girl between the ages of 18 and 35 really. I see the point of in meeting someone within these parameters I am/would actually be ‘engaging’ mind constructs and systems related to energy that I have created and accepted and allowed as myself. Though I do see the point also of wanting to communicate/interact with someone my age. I mean it is always cool to meet new people, and I find it is ‘More’ cool to meet new people now, because I find I am much more stable. And find it easier from a certain perspective to interact with them or rather where ‘I’ am more comfortable within myself, no matter what they are doing. Its like I can ‘see’ them better, which disarms reactions I may have had before. Less Resistance and More Embracing people. So When I arrived there was this girl working at the shop who I Introduced myself to, Her name was ‘Matti’ – Lol, well I think maybe though it was ‘Maddi’ in any case she was around my age so in a way this put me at ease – Shit! Never saw that point before of ‘being at ease’ with people my age, so a point in relation to why I would want or desire to be around someone my age. I noticed initially when I introduced myself she was a bit nervous, not overly, but rather normally nervous where at first our words kept bumping into each other. Though I found myself to be quite stable and not going ‘into’ any prominent anxiety points, though anxiety/nervousness was there, it was only slight and I found I was quite stable, enough so to be able to give the conversation suitable direction, And not get hung up on any words. This was pretty cool, to see that even though I perceived her as being a bit nervous, that I remain quite stable. The Furniture store where I worked today, moving around furniture, is quite a “High-End” store and the stuff costs allot of money – thousands of dollars for designer furniture. You could tell with some of the stuff as you picked it up and moved it around, that it really had no substance to it, and was purely sold as an idea of value. Quite Fascinating – there was not 1+1=2 equation directing the point at all, and you could see that everything was based on making a profit. So the point of money was quite prominent for myself today as I could see that these people move allot of money around, like LOTS! It was cool to observe the Boss women who came in later, sell to the customers. And for me to observe how she stands in relation to this point of money and value particularly when she was discussing prices with clients, It was actually pretty cool to eaves drop a bit, she seemed quite stable in the point and had little reaction if any when stating a price to a customer that “this couch is 12 thousand dollars” “or this fabric is 4 thousand” I mean, its a freaken piece of cloth. So cool to see here with no/little reaction, and simply Selling stuff for money.   I enjoyed working with the furniture and seeing all the designs and styles and seeing how they run their system. There was actually some pretty cool furniture in that store. Also we were arranging the show room and stuff so actually thats quite cool and “up my alley” as it was like walking or being ‘inside’ of  a painting, and moving shapes and colors as furniture and fabrics and lamps around. So I felt ‘somewhat comfortable’ as I was still reluctant in a few different ways to fully express, obviously, as there is this point of where/when you meet people for the first time, particularly with  a job, I found I had a very specific expression. Very controlled so to speak…not giving to much away, but also ‘constant’ in my application of working steady, and getting things done. Overall it went fairly cool. It was a cool change to actually do some physical work today, working here with my hands in a completely differen
t environment and to see how I experience myself and direct me in different environments, I was quite comfortable within working there. Just walk and breathe and walk. Its really the same with everything where ever your are. I also took some supplies they were going to throw out like some boxes and plastic wrap stuff which I figured I can use to package any art work I sell. Still emotional stuff coming up in relation to this art work point – what if I don’t sell, what if this is a repeating pattern – what if I am unintentionally sabotaging the thing – what if my frequency is not clear, and influencing my presentation of my shop – stuff like this coming up still. And also still not clear with regards to how to place everything. Like today this guy on ‘etsy’ (the art shop thingy) invited me to his group “the men of etsy” and on the group they feature and share the work of the members, I immediately went into uncertainty with regards to how to go about this. I mean I still quite adamantly avoid placing my “etsy stuff” on facebook because that’s like ‘desteni’ turf and I have this ‘feeling’ that I am “mind fucking myself” on this whole ‘Etsy’ point. And as I have been finding that with the “etsy” shop that I ‘advertise’ on sites that are not desteni related, so its like still keeping the two worlds apart in a way. I see a point of shame within me where I experience myself as being dis-honest for doing “Etsy” because it is only being done for money. The primary point is seeing. experiencing myself as only living in self interest, and that if I was self honest I would not be doing etsy – though from my perspective, this point is not entirely clear yet, so I will continue to push the point and see where/if things become more clear with regards to the whole thing. I also see the point of anger and fighting come up with regards to “not being allowed to do etsy” Almost like a mini tantrum coming up here. Fascinating I see this “mini tantrum” come up often in relation to the art point. Like I am never able to simply just express me in this point but that it always has to have these “strings attached” and emotional bullshit coming up.  I am going to MC a Word Here to assist with clarification – Ok so tested out the Word ‘Hesitancy’  So points that come up with regards to this, are firstly the point about hesitating with regards to doing the ‘Esty’ shop, like tip-toeing in, not sure if it is the ‘right’ thing to do. So this cause some frustration within me as I would actually really just like to walk into the point, apply myself and not have to wonder or worry if “I should feel guilty or Not”

Ok going to stop there for Tonight.

Oh one more point which just came up – Hesitancy in Walking in the Matrix and Making directive decisions for myself, where in I still allow myself to question the point instead of seeing clear what is the practical common sense of the point, and there-in direct the thing. So hesitancy coming up with regards to me trusting myself to see in common sense. So the correction is to actually just walk and apply myself and TRUST MYSELF that I am actually able to see and direct myself within what is best for all and let of the beliefs that I have that “from some reason” I am unable to do this. Which is simply a belief. I Mean I have never directed myself in Self Honesty before in what is best for all – So why would I just assume that I cannot do this if I have never even tried. Ok – that was just a point that came up.

Writing Self To Freedom – Daily Writing Sept 28th 2010

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Writing Self To Freedom – Daily Writing – Sept 28th 2010

Today was a little different than usual, a change in the routine so to speak. I will start from Here and Work Backwards, I just read some forum posts and checked my mail. A quick scan over the basics as I just arrived home. I read a post on the subscription forum with regards to someone experiencing  have this experience of themselves while breathing, as I read through the post I could see contempt coming up within me and jealousy. In a way, hoping that their experience was not valid because if it was then what comes up within me is that I believe then that that being will be seen as special, and in a way distances me further away from “being valid” so this point is in relation to how I see and experience myself within process as being invalid. I began to open this point up yesterday during an SRA session. This point of me experiencing myself as invalid and accepting and allowing myself to submit to that and participate with this construct from a victimization position of myself. Seeing myself as unable to make process, and also the point of accepting limitation, like believing that no matter what I do, I actually believe that I will be unable to change, so see the point as well that I will actually not change until I forgive myself and allow myself to let go of this belief, which is based in comparison and separation, where in I feel like I am competing against others. But I will place that aside for the moment and continue with my “Writing Out My Day” Well I just had a few problems with my Van which cause reaction in me. I see the point of me actually judging myself because “my world is not perfect” Like within process I attempt to keep my world in order so that it is a “nice” reflection to “how together” I am within my process and life, and that if someone is having car troubles or is sick or something than I see that as being “bad” That’s a fuck up, I mean, what am I attempting to hide under the surface presentation of my life. “That I have it all together” “that my life works” “That I am effective” and in a way, even my stability within being able to handle points still as an energetic attachment of “wanting to remain stable as a ‘representation’ of how good I am in process” which is the point still of applying myself for others. So Ya, at about 4:30 my friend called me to see if I could help out at his job for a bit working at a “high end” furniture store. I agreed, and thought, cool “a change of pace” I have noticed that I am quieter of late, like in those moments of silence, where I am driving my van or just in the kitchen or something and it is quite, it is like I am also more silent within myself, less mind chatter, more silent . Pretty Cool. Anyways I mention this because I am now at the point of the ‘my day’ where I drove to work. So it was a welcome change, though I had to walk through some reactions in the moment that came up from the perspective of now taking me out of my comfort bubble, but this was simple, just breath and walk and don’t go into the reactions. I was at the stage where I was about to start on my drawing, but then did not get time for it because I went to help out instead at my friends work. On the way I thought I would record some audio stuff of me speaking as I drove to work. But my cell phone audio only lasted about 2 min, so that idea did not work out. I have been enjoying the Van because when I drive I can speak self forgiveness and also sometimes speak to myself, like explain a point to ‘practice speaking’ though I still hold back quite a bit, not yet allowing myself to “get into it” because I am actually just alone with myself with me and still perceive see the point as being weird – like “what if I am mind fucking myself” kinda question comes up – Actually that was one of the influencing points with regards to why I decided to record myself, so that I would not just be talking to myself. Anyways my Van has been smelling like Gas now for the last 15 days or so, when I first noticed it, I couldn’t really be certain if it was a new smell. SO I kinda just kept an eye…or a noes on it to see if it got worse or corrected. It never got better and eventually in the mornings my Van would not just start right up as usual, it actually would turn over a few times before igniting. “Shit” I thought inside myself, but still was existing in hope within the point. Hoping the Van would miraculously cure itself. It did not, and today when I arrived at the work place to assist my friend, we began working and the boss came out and commented that it smelt like Gas. Fuck, I immediately took the point personally, like seeing myself as irresponsible because we were in an indoor parking facility and now gas is smelling the place up. The “taking the point personally” was in relation to “the first impression” I was meeting this women for the first time, and could potentially work with her in the future, so experienced embarrassment, and a point of inferiority because my van was smelling like gas, and the point came up that now they will remember me as the guy who’s van stunk the place up on his first day. So I was there in the flesh lending a hand, and I was also there in aroma. There was not escaping me. But the Van Point was interesting from this perspective. When I arrived my friend who had called me, you could tell was rushing to get done, and in a kind of anxiety and panic, subtle, but it was there, and also this point was there with the boss as well. And they were pushing to get things done, because it had been a long day for them, so there was this kind of movement taking place that was not done in self presence, and I find when ever one begin to move from the perspective of the mind than one miss details and skip over things. Which eventually compound and cause a problem…like a Gas Leak. So ya I was a bit distraught myself with regards to my Van, like thinking, Ok how did I create this point. Because not only this…but when we went to leave we both hopped in my van and put our windows down, but the passenger side window does not do up and now its stuck down! So it was a chilly drive home tonight, and now the Van is sitting on the street with the Window down. So not only did this Gas Leak reveal itself today, the window point as well. It had been broken for a while but I never have passengers in my van so never bothered to get it checked out. Mainly due to Money. I simply cannot afford it. I Spent some time today doing a job search and just looking at what is out there for Jobs. I applied to one Job as an animal care person, where I would go and live in people’s houses and take care of their pets while they are on holidays. This could be cool. I really enjoy being with animals and also see the point of how it develop cool responsibility within a person to actually be responsible for an animal, and that that takes quite a commitment to develop that point of trust with the animal from the perspective of being stable within the point and “being there” for them in a way. And that one cannot actually fake this point but that it must be an actually physical walking, so this develop cool self discipline. So We will see if I get a return mail. I mean I am searching but everything I see, or allot of things I see as jobs want you to like “make a career out of it” and sign up like full commitment, and I actually would like to first establish a point where I could still applying myself within Desteni SRA and also the etsy website. Though it did “feel good” to get out today and “make some money” even though it was only a little bit, it simply was a nice feeling. Money is a practical point within this reality, so cool to make sure that point is in place as I walk this process.  So ya, now I must figure out these points with the Van, which I have been resisting in allot of ways due to money. Because I do not have a stable job yet, I am watching my money, as to ensure that I can live of of what i have saved until I get the job in place and than can actually “move points” meaning get my van fixed, and do my taxes and
things like this. Also though I am projecting allot with regards to van, like seeing a “BIG” problem instead of just looking at what is actually the case with the van, I mean the problem could just as well be easily fixable. But the point is time and money, also still holding on to the comfort zone point, where in “not really wanting to” take on the point of fixing the van and getting that directed. So within the experience of myself with regards to the van, I immediately saw this point of how I was/am resisting/avoiding facing the point because I would then have to break out of my routine and do something other than what I have been doing. But Now as I write this out, I see the primary point is Money, where in my resistance is more related to not wanting to face this point of fixing the van because it might cost money, and I fear this because I don’t have money to place into the Van at the moment, so that is the point I am avoiding/resisting. There is a guy here where I live that seems to know quite a bit about vehicles and I could just ask him, which I have been resisting doing also over the last few days. “I don’t want to bother him” Lol – Probably because “I don’t like it when people bother me” where I have to “help them out” – So within this the point again is comfort zone, where I am “getting to comfortable, instead of simply being HERE free to move and direct myself in any direction that requires direction. So my world is to precious still, not wanting disruptions, which is not valid because this entire world is a disruption, and that until this point is sorted out, it is not valid to try and hide from it and not face it by just hiding out in my room hoping not be bothered or thrown off course.  It was actually cool to be in a different environment tonight, I realized within this that it is one thing to be alone, but also it is necessary to be effective with people as well, and be able to direct points immediately in the moment, thus while with people to breathe and remain here, as points move fast.

Writing Out my Day – Sept 24th 2010 – Writing Self to Freedom

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Writing out my day.

Well, my shoulders and back are sore at the moment, because I have been sitting allot and I don’t have a desk  so sit in various spots, like on my bed, or on the couch and now my back is just sore from this not having a stable back rest. Although I have been also focused allot on the point of foundation, where I got away from a bit today from a certain perspective, so that its interesting that my back is now sore, which is a primary support structure of self. I woke up at 8:30 this morning, and proceeded to make myself a coffee and some breakfast. I was supposed to help my friend out today which I was preparing for this morning. I did not know when exactly I was going to help him, but I was embracing the point because it was some physical work, and would have been a nice break from computer stuff, although enjoying the computer stuff too. Also because of the point of money. When looking at the foundation of myself, I find still that “money moves me” I have this pattern come up daily which Identify with ‘survival’ and money specifically where at around noon, I start getting ‘antsy’ Today was no exception, this antsyness came up again around noon.  The point I have identified is as mentioned money, and survival where the essence of this energetic experience is one of needing to “do something” so that I can survive in this system from the perspective of making sure that I have money. And that if “I am not doing something” that I am in a way moving closer to death, closer to running out of money, so within this  a kind of panic comes over me and cause me to “miss details” to “rush” and “scan” over things. This is essentially why I have been looking at and working on the point of foundation. So that I can stabilize myself Here and that whenever this point comes up, I simply stand here as myself and do not accept and allowing myself to become possessed by this point.  It would be good to take this point apart as this is one of the primary points I have been experiencing within my world. So in the morning I watched desteni stuff and checked out my etsy site which has been an interesting process so far. I started posting listings a few days back and find as I move and post more listings that the ‘content’ I place and the context I give it is moving closer and closer to who I am within my stand in the desteni process which is pretty cool, Initially I did not know how to go about placing the work and from what perspective but this point is coming together as I place.

I had a cool conversation today with a friend of mine. She is doing a course called “3 in one concepts” where there is some congruencies with the SRA material so I have been able to actually speak in detail to here about specific points regarding SRA which is quite cool. This has been cool particularly because I have been spending quite a bit of time with myself alone doing computer work, although I am living now with 5 roomates which I have enjoyed also. Its nice to have ‘random’ encounters and just chat and things like that. I am quite tired at the moment, and struggling a bit with ensuring each word is in place so hopfully  I can get this writing clear. Ok, moving on. After the conversation, I was back on the computer. My Friend told me that work had been postponed so it was the normal routine, as usual so to speak. I reacted a little bit, because that meant no money, and thus far I have not real leads for jobs, except for this etsy point which I have been pushing since I found it 5 days ago to see if I can get some sales moving. Also I signed up for another “Market Collective” which is a craft fair here in Calgary. I was postponing registering out of fear of not having enough money. But I pushed through the resistance and got myself a table. I looked at it from the perspective of “making myself visible” with my art, and although in the last fair I never made any sales, I should not “project” that experience onto this one, so am going forward with having a booth at this next one.  It was quite an interesting day today. I have been with myself allot today. And this has been cool. I have been pushing myself within my application to be more specific with myself. Basically I realized that I have to Start Over, and really get my application established and directed within such a way that actually support me, because I was not really supporting me before, It was more like a hanging on, and a stagnant. Not falling behind, and not moving ahead, I was simply just stuck, and had arranged my self application so that I would just kind of remain in limbo, and thats exactly what I was doing. So I spent today re-establishing my application, and my starting point of that application to one where instead o applying myself to just break even, like doing the minimum, I will apply myself from the starting point of actually supporting me and transforming me. A more active approach, a more directive approach, instead of reactive. Ok I am going to place this post as is – no editing tonight – night all.

Writing Myself to Freedom – Writing out My Day.

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Writing Out My Day.

I woke up at 11:00am. I went to bed at 3:00am last night because I was busy with the ‘Etsy’ site which I enjoyed “digging-into”. When I woke up the back of my neck and upper back where quite sore and I had a headache. Sometimes that happens if I “sleep in” but I also looked at the point in relation to the experience of myself the day before, but as I write this, I see the point of also looking further back than to just “the day before” where actually the point of the pain, which I experienced as a built up ‘pressure’ or ‘tension’ in my back and neck and head would have been an accumulative affect of more than just one day, so to look back a few days, and look at what I was participating in, and how I was experiencing myself, and what points of energy or tension was I building up, or accessing. The point I have been walking through over the last few days/week has been, “deciding what to do with myself” and how to direct myself, so the point of ‘Future’ or fear there of. In any case, I had a pain this morning. Particularly in my neck and shoulders. So I had to walk with this pain for the day. I started my day with Coffee. Catlind, one of my roommates, said to me as I walked into the kitchen “you look cold”. I wasn’t, although I did have a headache, and maybe was ‘carrying’ myself into the kitchen, instead of being Here as Breath. I had a headache too. The coffee was delicious. We have an espresso machine so I enjoy calculating the proportions and making a nice coffee in the morning. I Sat down to do internet work and as I usually do in the mornings. I checked to see how the movement was going on the Etsy site. Maybe I had made a sale. This point is quite prominent at the moment with regards to the Etsy site, because I see the potential for me to actually be able to support myself financially with this point, so I am giving this point some serious investigation. I notice that there are people on the site who make regular sales daily and I see the potential of actually being able utilise this point to support myself financially until the Desteni Income Plan starts moving. Etsy is a site for Artist where Artists and craftspersons can create a profile/shop and sell work. From my perspective I simply see the point as an equation, so I simply must calculate all the points, and apply the correct math, and I can actually make money. I will have to be patient with actually getting it going, but all it will take is time, and physical movement. Because of the work I have done with Desteni with regards to buddying and SRA, and Vlogging etc, I have some understanding of how to actually going about linking points together on the internet and establishing a network, so from this perspective, thats all Etsy it. It is simply a point where one direct traffic, and make a certain amount of sales based on how many people visit the site. Its Mathematics and that’s it. So its cool to see this point. Its Actually empowering to see this point. I would not have seen this a few years ago, and would have looked at the whole thing based on Morality, and who likes my work and who doesn’t, then I probably would have “Lost-Hope” quickly. So I will continue to explore this point some more. I then visited the Desteni site and checked in with the subscription forum. I experienced myself as kinda shit today, because of not being satisfied with my application, and going through a point yesterday where I fell on a point for a moment because I was not specific enough.  I wrote about what I saw within the experience and I was satisfied with how the writing went. But normally when I fall on a point, I kind of go into a kind of suppression with regards to desteni and find I participate less. I experience a point of hopelessness within this. Hopelessness that I will fall and not walk breath by breath with desteni. Hopelesness also from the perspective of not changing me and ending up in the future in a position where I have to face the consequence of the decisions I made and the way I applied myself. So at the moment feeling down from the perspective of seeing myself as less than many others walking process who are standing. I also see the point of my being quite hard on myself for whenever I make a mistake. Yet, also more prominently, the point of specificity and what is required of myself within this point to actually get effective with myself in walking this process. Absolute Specificity. Slowing down, and getting fucking specific, and that I have not been specific enough. And that I am faced with points daily, and that it is up to me whether I participate or not. So, I either get really specific with me in walking my/this process, or I simply time-loop over and over until I eventually get it down the road. From my perspective I see the point of simply just doing it Now, and get it done. So Here Now, this point of specificity is emerging  and showing its face and saying – “Look, here I am, more, you need to be more specific” The point that ‘bothers’ me the most, is the relationship/sex/desire point. Because this point exist everywhere, and tempts me in every moment. I am getting more specific with this point, yet at the same time, see that I am not specific enough, and that to effectively transform myself that I will have to take this point apart and completely disintegrate it, meaning, completely re-define relationship and sex and the context of how I existed towards, and participated with women, and how I perceived them and experienced myself in relation to them, and them to me. Everything about the point must stand within the principle of what is best for all and equality. And it is here where I see that I am not specific enough. Until this point no longer exist as a desire inside me. And that I no longer define and associate sex to energy, or within and as energy or the mind but to re-construct it so that it is a supportive point within this world, and supportive point for myself as I walk this process. Where I walk an agreement that is in support of this process and where I do not compromise myself or another through in how I have created and defined sex/relationship in the past in relation to the mind. I see that I still have this picture come up as I write this of being in the perfect agreement, where I actually stand equal with a being. I Sometimes go into desire in relation to agreement with regards to the point of intelligence or ‘being able to see the shit’ meaning, desiring to be in agreement with like someone who is a prodigy at process, and who is clear, direct, no bullshit, effective, specific, but also who just gets it naturally, and can see the mind moving. I desire this because I desire support from this perspective. So the correction I see is to walk that point of self support within developing myself so that I can “see the mind moving” effectively, and get to a point of ‘innocence’ through applying myself in self honesty, and self forgiveness. And actually moving the points and taking away the layers so that I actually see and understand the points. So that that point of Desire no longer exist inside me, but that I change me and transform ME actually into that which I am desiring, I become that so to speak as Myself. I Live that. That Self Honest Walking of process. Its like I go on to many “holidays” Like taking “holidays” from self honesty. So then go into a point of desire with regards to Living Self Honesty, and Humbleness, because I am not actually walking and living SELF HONESTY the way that I would like, where at the end of each day I can actually look myself in the face and simply just let-go. Where I enjoy me, where I stand clear, transparent, nothing to conceal, nothing to hide, but to just simply stop the fucking Mind. This I am not yet effective with. Where at the end of each day I am satisfied with ME. I Got a phone call from the bill collectors today. I am requested to send in my “proof of income” statement which I actually lied on. So now they will probably ‘catch-me’ on it. I was not specific with the application and claimed I had only made 800 dollars
for the month when in fact I made 3000. Although I was not expecting to make that 3000, but in any case, now I must face the consequence of not being specific within this system. I have never been checked in 7 years of doing this, so this was the first time, so a bit surprised. In a way it is simply showing me that I am not considering ALL the points within specificity, and specificity that is and will be required as we walk this process, and to effectively support myself within this system. Banking, and taxes, and loans, and system stuff I never really considered before, it was always an afterthought. But now I am seeing how actually, I want to be effective with stuff, absolute, so that I can support others in getting these points effectively organized as well. So I am busy with really getting to the core of my organizing and structuring of my own personal system of filing and organizing. A point came up with regards to this point of organising and structuring ones world with regards to spelling. And how if one have poor spelling this would be the first place where they as a being begin to learn about structure and organisation. Language. Words have a structure, and an organisation if you will, where they are filed depending on certain variables in relationship to other words to form sentences, and the same goes with letters being ordered and applied and filed based on their character in relation to other letters, all within a big system language, so was just considering this point in relation to my effectiveness in the system, and that those who develop strong language skills from a young age, probably have a more solid foundation with regards to organisation and structure, because they have already learned the filing system of a language.  So with regards to this point, I am busy just getting to that foundational point, and looking at no more allowing my own self organisation where I organize me within my world to hold me back. So from a certain perspective, taking it back to Self. If I cannot get effective with myself and my own system, than I will be hopeless in attempting to expand this into a business.  And this has become quite prominent with the “Etsy Stuff” and just everything really since being back here in the Matrix. I have had enough of “letting things slide” Its time to consider how each and every point move and work together, no more accepting “holes” in the equation.  So the phone call from the bank kinda set me back for a moment. I experienced like a sickness inside me in my stomach. Like a grossness. But I continued on with my day. I was re-organizing my room, and as mentioned, getting down to that foundation point and getting the foundation point of myself in this world clear and sound. Otherwise, spent most of the day alone, as I have had some ‘alone time’ lately, which is fine. Not many friends here in Calgary as of yet. Its 1:00am now. Experiencing myself within a kind of Regret. Its like this regret, is a pattern, a cycle, I mean, I am not standing at the end of each day in Full Self Enrichment of myself, in Satisfaction. To many “slip-ups” during my day – So again the point of specificity, and Self Will, in Simply NOT allowing myself to justify going into the Mind for any particular reason, in any occasion.  So that I can be satisfied with me at the end of the day.

A Perspective on “Weakness” and Identifying what is the “Real Point”

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A Perspective on “Weakness” and Identifying what is the “Real Point”

An Interesting point came up yesterday with regards to weakness. Firstly, as I walked through my day yesterday, I noticed that I was experiencing myself within a point of anxiety. And that within this anxiety, I was just not able to ‘settle’ myself and stop and be here within breath and within self patients. Now as this anxiety was slowly compounding inside of me, almost as if just sat there inside of me there with me as I walked throughout my day. And as I walked through my day I was busy doing various things, but essentially was looking at and exploring various ways and options of how to apply myself in my current environment so that I can support myself financially as I prepare for the Desteni Income plan point to begin moving. One point I came upon was this website called “Etsy” its basically a website for Artists and Artisans and craftmakers to place their products where they set up a personal shop with the site and begin selling . Now this has something that I have been wanting to explore for a long time, this point of selling my Art Online as a potential tool to support myself financially, although I had not yet explored the point and that now here was the opportunity to do so.  As I started to open the point up and explore what this etsy was all about, I noticed that this anxiety within me was starting to become a little more prominent. Kind of emerging out of me as I walked through my day and applied myself in my process of Standing Here as Breath, and directing myself within the equality equation of what is best for All. I see that this ‘Anxiety’ works on a clock, and is ‘clocked’ into the cycle of time from the perspective of I notice this anxiety pretty much each day, and where it triggers around noon or in the afternoon sometimes and begins to build inside of me as the day moves on.  This anxiety does not exist within me in same way at night from the perspective of now everyone has gone to sleep and I can be silent with myself as now the world has stopped, and I can stop and rest also. So from this perspective a see this anxiety as locked into the 9 to 5 type pattern that this world functions around, and within this see the point of this anxiety being related to Survival.  This is where the point of ‘weakness’ comes in. Where one as a particular point or points of weakness where they often always fall. Although within this point I am looking at now I see the point of out ‘weakness’ actually being a perceived weakness from the perspective of it simply being an ‘excuse’ or ‘distraction’ or ‘escape’ to divert attention to the “Real Point” at Hand. What I mean is I noticed that as this anxiety grew with me as I walked my day, points would come up inside me where I noticed the particular thoughts coming up with regards to “doing something else” or “I should be doing something else” or “watching a movie” or “going out for coffee” or basically anything within this kind of ‘essence’ of a thought which is attempting to, or is ‘presented’ as a “back-door” and “escape-route” to intense me or tempt me “off-track” basically tempting me into my mind, into a point which is a kind of ‘relief’ or ‘procrastination’ point where I will not have to Face Myself within my walking and practically applying myself in this world in what is best for all. As I walk and apply myself in what is best for all, I am ultimately facing Myself within this, where I am not allowing myself to exist within patterns or being influenced by energy, and I simply Walk and Apply myself in common sense, where in doing this one Face Themselves from the perspective of Doing things and Applying Self in ways that Challenge who one has accepted and allowed self to be and become, where one challenge their belief systems and patterning’s and constructs. So what is “Weakness” within this context. I Noticed that as this “tension” grew inside of me as I walked throughout my day, this “Anxiety” And all of these thoughts as excuses and back-doors as the mind presented themselves, In each moment I had a choice. To either participate with one of these thoughts, or to simply Stand, Stop the point and not participate. And this Anxiety did not go away until eventually, I took a way out. I participated with one of the thoughts that presented itself, as a way to distract myself, to kind of just, “go and do this other thing” instead of continuing to walk and apply me in my Day. From a certain perspective I perceived that I fell on my Weakness points, which has to do with Sex/Masturbation/Sexual Energy addiction and so on, where this point actually, “threw me off course” and “dis-tracked” me. I began to go further into this point, particularly as the anxiety grew inside me, and I diverted my attention from what I was doing at the time which was busy with the Website I referred to at the beginning which was the etsy website for selling art. Which From a certain perspective actually represented a point where I was actually applying myself in self support in supporting myself financially with my Art. So for a moment I was “off-track” I took a “back-door” and I began to walk into this distraction point which lead me to a decision I was about to make to simply watch a movie and just relax instead of actually continuing on with the Etsy point. In that Moment I saw what I was doing, I was simply just avoiding self responsibility walking in Self Support, well in fact I in a way saw that that’s what I was doing the whole time, but in that moment it just became more evident so in that moment, I Simply just said fuck that and when back down to carry on with the Art point and investigating this Etsy site more. This is where the Guilt started to emerge, for having ‘fallen’ on my particular weakness point. Where within this guilt, the “weakness” point which I had fallen on, became the “focal point” in a way, where I began to I saw this “weakness point” as the “big problem” the point where I always fall. But then a question came up and a realization. The question that came up was “what point was I avoiding”? Here I was giving all this attention to this apparent weakness point – Yet within this not looking at Why, in that moment did I take this back door. What point was it that I was facing that I could not face, and actually wanted to and did attempt to hide from within allowing myself to go into a point of distraction, into my mind. In that moment I took the “back-door” I was busy with placing my art on the internet, and applying myself within a way where I was taking the necessary steps to practically support myself financially within my world, where I was setting up the point where for the first time I would actually be able to practically support myself with my Art. So what else does this point represent. So I mentioned the point of Self Support within this world financially, so essentially facing the point of money along with my relationship and entire belief structure I had previously existed in in relation to money as well as self support financially with regards to my art, where from a certain perspective I actually believed/belief that I am not able to actually make enough money with my art to support me within  my world. Immediately what comes up is “My Father” He was an Artist and Musician his entire life and never ever made enough money to support himself, so I actually have adapted this belief, like I believe it is actually not possible. That I cannot possibly do this, even though here I am on this website observing practical examples of people who are in fact actually doing this. So in one way this point that I was facing in that moment was me facing this Belief system that I have constructed around this point, and that if I am actually going to direct this point that I will have to shatter this construct so to speak. This now is what I relate to “why and for what reasons the point of resistance, and anxiety emerged as I was facing this point. And it makes more sense that This is actually the REAL POINT, not the point of ‘weakness’
although it does provide more context to how to practically support myself in stopping my “weakness’s” so to speak. Where in when ever the point of weakness emerge as a point which I want to go into to simply consider “What is it that I am not wanting to/willing to face in this moment” So I have applied self forgiveness on this point with regards to Art, although I am also still busy with taking it apart so that It no longer influence me within my world, as I walk and stand in transforming myself into a point which stand eternally as what is best for all.

Practical Example of Self Forgiveness – On Showing/Expressing Compassion.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inadequate within assisting and supporting people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in moments of trauma I will be of no use
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good at working with people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people feel awkward around me, so have come to the conclusion that I make people uncomfortable, and therefore have within this point formed the belief that “I am not good with people”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel incapable of changing a situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I do has not effect and will be of no use.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am weak, and because of this am not able to actually direct a situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be physically big in order to be effective at supporting others and directing a situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to use physical force
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hurt within attempting to direct a situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being overpowered by someone who is stronger than me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being overpowered by another through force weather physical or through yelling or arguing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘cold’ towards people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within shame
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt for not acting sooner.
I forgive myself that I  have accepted and allowed myself to see myself and define myself as a bad person for not acting sooner
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a bad person because I hesitated in that moment today, and didn’t direct immediately
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for how the events unfolded.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would not be able to give proper directions or handle all of the details of the situation today, and so wanted another to step up and be responsible.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into shame after the fact, when I noticed that someone else had stepped in to see if everything was ok.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the Man that came in to direct the situation where in I believed myself to be “not suitable” to direct the situation and that “that man” was more suitable and possessed characteristics that I did not have. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being less than that man and that that man had more respect for humanity, where in I did /do not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up and standing accountable within my world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being accountable in a situation because I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “what if I can’t do it”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of “what if I can’t do it” direct me and stop me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as lacking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as lacking in ability to stand up and be accountable and responsible for humanity, as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it unfathomable that I could possibly be able to do this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be special in order to stand up and be accountable and responsible for what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as “less than” in relation to standing up and being accountable and responsible for what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as “less than” those who are the ones who “make decisions”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ridicule from others when I express my position or stand or point of view on things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as incapable of making decisions that actually are effective and work and are able to direct a situation effectively.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stand equal to this point of standing accountable where in I actually allow me to stand in Self Trust.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to trust myself in the decisions I make and the points I see with regards to simply what comes up in the moment.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see myself as an authority.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see myself as stability.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see me as Trust Worthy
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see myself as capable of being Trust Worthy
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see myself as reliable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always rather look for another to be accountable for situations, because I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself and define myself as inadequate and not qualified to direct a point or a moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself underneath others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push others forwards in situations, because I see that as my role, where I stand back because I am incapable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inadequate in process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must kind of go into the background because that’s where I belong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I belong in the BackRound.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I belong in the back-round because I am inadequate, and don’t have the skills to be up front and making important decisions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is one who belong in the background, and is not able to be “up front”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I belong in the backround because I am not insightful or smart.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I belong in the background because I never was considered one of the smart kids in class.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I belong in the background because I don’t have good ideas, or the ability to place an idea effectively and practically that can be understood by all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within an energetic experience of worthlessness, because I can see that this experience is not Valid from the perspective of this experience is simply based on a perception I have created as myself within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be someone who is accountable and responsible and “up front” that one must have confidence and be a smooth talker, and be good with communication and good with people, all characteristics that I have believe that I do not possess.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not have confidence in myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself define myself as someone who does not possess confidence, and that one require confidence to direct and be accountable for certain situations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be confident.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who “doesn’t have what it takes” to stand up and be accountable and therefore have only accepted and allowed myself to go into “desire” for confidence instead of Living Confidence as Myself.
I am Confidence.
I am Confident that I am able to direct myself and others within accountability, effectiveness and Self responsibility
I Embrace Myself as Confidence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as insensitive to human emotion and human interaction, and thus feel as though I am not able to effectively support and or direct other human beings in a way that is comfortable and supportive of themselves as self expression and expansion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘always see myself as less than” the point of being able to work with a group of people within comfort ability, self intimacy, and Direction, interaction and Unity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see myself as one who separate and break people apart, instead of allowing myself to see myself as capable of actually being effective with human beings one and one and within a group.
I forgive myself for not allowing me to embrace myself as able to and effective with directing and communicating and interacting with all different types of people in a group or one and one, not matter who I am with being able to stand within equality with that being, and actually support them within their self expression and self expansion.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see myself as kindness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people do not like me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone that people don’t like. And there-in never really ever saw myself as able to reach points of Intimacy with others.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see myself as capable of actually creating a cool experience for others from the perspective of simply being an enjoyable person to be around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as “not fun”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being “not fun” and therefore never enjoyed the experience of being around people, as I feared that I would actually make there experience “not fun”
I forgive myself for not embracing myself being capable of really communicating with others in intimacy, and comfortability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself as inadequate when it comes to human interactions.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to embrace me as compassion for others.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to embrace myself as Human Compassion and Compassion for Humanity.
I Embrace Me as Compassionate
I allow me to see myself as capable of expressing and being Compassionate towards others, and supportive towards others in their processes and lives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as insensitive. towards people and their worlds.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insensitive towards people and their worlds.
I stop this definition of myself.
I not longer accept and allow myself to define myself as insensitive, but rather, correct the point within living as and within sensitivity as who I am, where I allow myself to realize and see that I am capable of living sensitivity towards others from the perspective of Supporting them and Encouraging them within specific moments where points of sensitivity is an effective way to support another. And within this I allow myself to live intimacy with others from the perspective that I am actually capable of expressing myself as intimacy and gentleness and compassion, and caring towards others.

Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing, Sept 20th – Wolf Dream and Car Crash

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I woke up this morning from a ‘peculiar’ dream. I use the word ‘peculiar’ because it had wolves in it, an animal that I don’t often have in my dreams. I was out in the forest in a camp area and there were these wolves around, and we kind of like “moving in on me” Like being predatory. I experienced my life being threatened by the wolves and feared for my life. But I also had a gun and bullets, And I was shooting the wolves. They were big grey wolves. And I remember at one point I was quickly loading my gun which was a hand gun, and I remember placing the bullet in the revolver, and then getting it set to shoot, and as the wolf approached I aimed at him and fired. He flinched slightly but wasn’t sure if I hit him, So I fired again, and he slowed up immediately and began to stumble, then collapsed on the ground, but was still alive. I Then walked up close to him as he laid on the ground, aimed the gun right at his head, and blasted. Then immediately woke up. The Points that come up within this is the point of Morality in where I was not “going halfers” on this thing but was going to make sure that that wolf was Dead. So within the Act of Killing the wolf I simply did what I needed to do, as my life was being threatened. So there was a certainty and a determination there, although this was based entirely on fear, fear of death. Where the world (oops meant to type wolf here, interesting typo) represented the predator or pack of predators threatening my existence. From a certain perspective I can relate this point of the Wolf to the mind and the accepted and allowed battle and struggle I engage in within and towards the mind where in I experience myself in a way fighting myself as the mind, and fighting with myself as the mind. So Here the Wolf actually represent me as the mind as the predator, where I have created myself at the moment within and as my mind to be a predator. And that this predator must has a very “single minded” existence, to be a predator, and to kill and survive off its kill. So From this perspective the Wolf also represent the point of Survival, as the World (Wolf, oops typo again) represent also the point of survival where one must be and has to become ruthless and vicious to be able to survive in this World! I watched some Vlogs today of other people in process and did my daily stuff with regards to Desteni and Ratings Etc. I watched Gian’s Vlog on “pretending” where one is always “pretending” to be something. It is a pretty cool point actually, and immediately saw the point within myself of how I am constantly attempting to “pretend” to be ‘Stable’ Because I wish I was stable. I Wish I was stable and directive and effective in my application and direction in my world, and that much of the time I experience myself as “not this” so then must ‘compensate’ by ‘pretending’ to be stable. And also simply how I pretend to be allot of things in my world. Particularly when I am with people, I see that I actually present myself in a very specific way, in how I speak, the tonality, of my voice, and words I chose. The way I move my physical body, what I talk about, everything of myself go into this presentation point of where I present myself as someone of importance, of strength, of knowledge, of Direction, of Knowing, as Disciplined, as Wise. So I ask myself – Why must I ‘present’ or ‘pretend’ to be these things. The point I see with regards to why I must present these points as myself instead of simply just being here as myself, is because I believe I am not these things, and actually desire to be these things. This reveals that I actually believe that I am not strength, that I am not calm and cool and collected about the way I speak, that I am not stable. The one about speaking in particular, comes up prominently here because I see that this is one point that I really want to be able to do. And its a point where I actually judge myself as being not effective at. Communication. And actually as I watched the Video Gian, made a point of jealously came up where I was jealous because I find in my Vlogs, that I am not stable and directive in my words and what I speak. I see the point as well coming up where I imagine others watching the Vlogs I made, or people who have come to know me “looking up to me” or “making note of” my ability to communicate from the perspective of this being an effective point with me that comes through quite ‘Artfully’ I will say. So Yes this point exist within my as a desire, as a point where I tend to go into judgement and criticism towards myself around my ‘ability’ to speak and communicate with others. Another Point today is I saw a Car Accident! It was pretty big I’d Say, like one of the biggest ones I have encountered in real life, though I have not seen many. This One unfolded right before me – (Ouch, sharp pain/pressure in left temple) I pulled over to the side and I kind of hesitated because I wanted to go and see if everyone was Ok, because it possibly could have seriously injured someone because it was quite an impact. Basically what happened is a Truck pulled was making left turn (or in south Africa would be life making a right turn) where you have to pull out into the intersection, and this truck obviously failed to look both ways and a car slammed into the side of the truck. When I saw this this first thing that came up inside me, was “should I go see if everyone is ok” then the thought came up of me just “wanting to be a hero” So it was at this point I hesitated. By the time I had pulled my Van around into a position that was safe for others on the road, there was a Man who parked his truck and was there checking to see if everything was ok. I was kind of relieved that he did that because then I didn’t have to. But I also experienced guilt for not Just Directing Myself Immediately when I saw the point unfold to Assist. Its like a situation that is so different than what I am used to, I ‘wonder’ how I am supposed to Act, and if its normal or not to check to see if everything is Ok. A point I see coming up at the moment is the point of where I actually see myself as being not effective in a situation like this. Particularly in relation to consoling another or comforting another because I see myself as kind of cold or physically distant, and not very good at actually supporting someone in an ‘emotional’ way, yet at the same time, I don’t mean from the minds perspective, but simply being there for support in a moment of crisis. So yes I experienced guilt come up in this moment, like I failed myself life essentially. This Brought up the point of a past memory from along time ago where a fight happened right in front of me and my friend was being surrounded by about 10 people and there was this point which then escalated and he was right in the middle of it. I watched it develop right before my eyes, but did nothing, I stood back, I hesitated. So with regards to this I see that in that moment I experienced a point of shame and weakness. And this point came up today as I saw this car crash unfold and I did not direct myself to assist. It was like a point of fear caused me to hesitate, to question the whole thing first. Fear of not being able to handle the situation. Fear of not being effective with handling the situation, Fear of just getting in the way, and being out of place. Fascinating because I don’t really see the fear of danger within this, so I wasn’t afraid of the danger element of it – it was the social element, the working with people, and the fear of not being supportive or helpful in a situation like this.