Category Archives: Re-Creating Self and this World

Self Forgiveness – Continuation on Dependency – October 14th 2010

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself, within “taking me out of an active environment with lots of people” where I then would have to learn how to occupy myself and satisfy myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to re-create the farm situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that where I am is ‘important’ with regards to how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “not enjoying myself on the farm”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be alone and feel lonely on the farm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in relation to process where I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in relation to “how I am doing” and always wanting to be doing ‘good’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in by going out to this farm that I am setting myself up for regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “lock myself into” regret from the perspective of simply submitting to the idea that “I don’t know how it is going to occur” and within this enslaving myself to the point of not allowing me to actually see for myself how I create my reality and the out-flows of my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear immensely going to the farm location, because I believe that I will be lonely out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not get along with the family that lives out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going out to the farm from the perspective of having to live along side a family and family structure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this experience will be like actually locking myself into a family structure and belief system.

This is one of the points that I am seeing about this job is that is/will be like locking myself into a family structure belief system that I will essentially have abide by. I see this point specifically in relation to this being a family run business that is ‘quite established’ where in they have ‘rooted’ themselves physically with the barns etc, there is quite a belief system around this point I am seeing that because it is so physically manifest that  I will essentially have to ‘participate with’ and won’t be so easily moved. I mean in the city, everything is like smaller moving systems, so to work for a company one is simply required to do the work so to speak. I mean the point of actually living on this ranch is a ‘scary’ part because I see this in relation to living with my family. So this is an actually perception/assumption, reaction, because in am only ‘coming to this conclusion’ through ‘seeing a picture in my mind’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compromise myself in this world in certain specific situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear placing myself into this point than “feeling alone” because it will be so quite and I will see the same people everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I move out to this farm that I will be giving up and have not chance with process, and in a way be stranded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stranded

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be stranded if I go to this farm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can run and hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to hide from my current reality that I have created “around me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my world is ‘not fun’ and that I can go and find something else better in a different environment, instead of applying corrective application to myself from the perspective of me being the source of my correction and the source of my world not matter where I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the place to face yourself is in the system, and that those in the system are those who are really facing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something lacking in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as if there is something lacking or holding me back within my environment from enjoying myself and living fulfilment in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for living fulfilment in my environment instead of me here as breath as simplicity in each and every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a slight depression because I slept because I had a headache and now actually have judged myself from the perspective of believing that I have failed, or was dishonest, or am falling behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is certain that I am not going to make it this life, and thus fear falling or lagging behind because this indicate that I do not have enough will power to walk this process and stop my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with my application and that I should be doing more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am taking to much time to do this process, and that I am not moving effectively enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is going to be a pretty process instead of just applying myself here in that which I can do, and remaining here as breath in the simplicity as myself here as the source point so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to my mom reading my blogs and from a certain perspective will not edit my blogs so I do not reveal to much instead of standing up within this world within equality as an equal being in an equal expression, standing equal and one to all beings and the equalization of all as the priority of myself and walk in what is best for this outcome of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘experience’ inadequacy in relation to others doing desteni process, and see myself just time-looping and not really expanding myself within developing a stable web based application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others at placing links and answering posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others within this process, and in this go into experiences of inadequacies  and less-than, and self defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “end up in” self defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as actually being weak willed and not effectively developing myself within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to make up for lost time which implies that I am in debt and or lacking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the point of simply just not being able to push through and feeling/seeing not results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my application and the assessment on results where I want to see results immediately.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be patient with myself and within this allow myself to simply continue applying myself in consistency day in and day out, and not expect or want immediate results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my application on whether or not I get results instead of simply seeing the common sense that within 1+1=2 equation that the results will come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to race to attempt to catch up to others who I perceive as being more equal than me, and effective in this process, and so I attempt to catch up so that I can experience me as worthy and valid, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that must create myself as worthy, meaning that who I am now is not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by shame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by feeling unworthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by feeling like I have failed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed shame to influence me in my application and direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed unworthiness to influence me in my application and direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed “feeling like I have failed” to influence me in my application and expression.

The point is to simply direct me no matter, what , and not go into despair that it is not working or I am not good enough because I don’t have the results coming in.

When ever this experience of despair or shame or regret or unworthiness or hopelessness come up, I simply do not give it the time of day, I do not participate with it but rather as a correction, allow myself to continue on as per-usual. There is nothing wrong about my application, it simply require consistency, and constantcy. Thus I allow myself to be consistant in my application in self trust. I simply apply the regular actions, and not go into feeling like I am not doing enough, but simply slowing down and going through the motions and freezing each moment so that I can see that I am remaining in the starting point of what is best for all in every moment. This is the point, to stand as what is best for all as self in every moment, not necessarily be the fasted and the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be the fastest and the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the fastest and the best at process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as less than those in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing those in my environment because of the presentation I have presented but cannot live up to because the truth of myself actually in not this presentation I have presented as myself being stable and flawless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a stable flawless presentation to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am actually this presentation instead of realizing that I am just me here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must present myself as some flawless perfect stable being so that I can be liked, respected, and worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into comparison with and towards other beings instead of realizing that this is not necessary and that I can simply remain here as myself as who I really am, and simply walk my process of self forgiveness and self purification and equalizing myself with all that is here so that I stand as equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not up to the task of equalizing myself with all that is here, meaning that I cannot possibly do this, and in this have accepted that this is not possible for me in life, so in a way go into a frequency or exist as a frequency experience/acceptance of myself of not being able to do this, and in effect already sabotaging myself within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making and fearing that others see and believe I will not make it as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel shame about the truth of myself of that I will not make this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everyone already thinks that I will not make this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within the inevitability that will not make this process, and in this experience a sadness of myself in the end being left behind with just myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with standing here with just myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and believe that there is some other point other than self.

I forgive myself for not realizing that in being left with just me, than that means I am still here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being trapped out of existence for ever and that there is nothing I can do about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being locked out and not included.

Finding a Job that is Best for ALL – Writing Myself to Freedom – 2010/10/13

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So looking at my experience today.

Words to Describe/Indicate Experience of myself/my world

Eventful

Intense

Allot happening

Anxiety

Fun

No foundation

Packed

Perplexed

This was quite interesting today. I had just spent the last month here in Calgary, basically working on desteni stuff and kind of just getting myself re-oriented with how to “live in this world” and taking care of paperwork etc. In the meantime, was considering eventual points like getting a job, or education, and making money, and also getting to know myself within this process from the perspective of this being really the first time I have or am placed directly in the system. So here I was also investigating myself within this, and get to know what it means to stand in the system from my current vantage point. This last week I was quite busy looking for a job, and have been busy also since being here in Calgary with exploring the point of applying myself in such things as art, and considering this within the greater context of How I am going to and am currently placed within this world, and looking at how this support what is best for all. I am referring to the last week specifically because is was kind of a ‘drag’ so to speak. I experienced much resistance and was going more into points of distraction. Also the point of “what am I going to do with myself” was starting to become more and more pressurized to speak, and I was noticing that within myself there was more fears, concerns, worries, doubts, and an overall, anxiousness of what all was going to happen. Then there was about 3 days where everything just stopped. It was like no e-mails were coming in, and nothing was moving, like someone put a plug in the system or something, it was like very very quiet I guess you could say. This was my experience anyhow.  Then Last night, I started getting a flow of emails, it was quite an interesting observation actually where all of the sudden “things were now moving” I am not sure exactly what was going on here, but it was like, “the plug was pulled” and the system started moving again. Or like one cycle coming to a halt, and then all of the sudden another one beginning. So I’m wondering if anyone else had a similar experience, or this “movement” was only specific to me – it was quite an obvious observation so this is why I am noting it here. So in things now ‘moving’ again, or starting to come through I have found myself today quite engaged within requiring to move and direct certain points within my world.

The point about a new job opened up which I went for an interview today, which will go into in more detail

As well I am on my way in a few minutes to an interview about my art with a newspaper which came through last night as well

And another point is a potential sale of one of my art pieces that went through over the internet which will require me to actually drive 8 hours to my home town to collect the work.

So things here moving, after months of ‘nothing’ today quite busy, so it has been somewhat unexpected and am not yet seeing exactly how this all came to be in terms of the where and how I have created each one of these points in my reality.

So because things have been previously moving at a slower pace, I find today, I am looking at “ok, how do I ground myself” Breath! This is the immediate point which come up so will apply this. Simplicity.

Ok here I am going to go into specific detail about my experience in relation to “The Job Interview”.

So I applied for this job at a horse ranch. When I first noticed the add, I thought “ok this could be interesting” I mean within the process of looking for a Job I found that due to not having recognized certificates in much of the things, I had to search through many jobs in order to find something that would fit so to speak. So when I came across the description of this add it in a way echoed or outlined much of the points I was taking on with Desteni while at the farm, and so from this perspective I saw that the qualification point was a pretty good match. Although I had not deliberately “thought up” this job, but rather after consideration decided ok I will apply, I mean, I will investigate and see what it all entails. I had not interviews yet in place in my job search so at this point was simply looking at different options. Particularly placing each point within me from the perspective of how it support me within my process of doing what is best for all, what is the skill development, timeline, where will it support what I do with desteni, and things like this. So this had been an interesting process as well to look at and consider each job from this perspective and now here take the opportunity to apply the equality equation as I consider each job, and what the eventual outflow of If I were to take on a particular job would be. So I applied and soon after had a reply back for an interview which I set up for today. I was a bit nervous about the point, due to “not being absolutely certain that I made the right choice” where points like “what if this is not the right thing” were coming up, or “what if I based this decision in self interest” etc.  So as I drove out to the meeting this morning I experienced an offness inside of me. Like “this is not going to work” I could see that many of these points were based on perceptions I had formed within my own mind of “what was going on there” and not actually based on actually real participation with the people there and/or seeing what exactly it entails. I applied self forgiveness on this point as I drove and simply utilized the breath as a point to keep me here instead of going into the experience of anxiety in my stomach, or up into my mind, thinking about all the things, it could be, or might lead to, or may not be. It was interesting because even when I arrived I experienced a doubt inside of me like “this is not going to work” One of my main concerns was that the people would be “totally mind fucked” or Hard Core Christians or something like this and that I would be like a virus in a way, and just cause a bunch of friction. So I simply had to walk through the nervousness that I was feeling and just go to the interview and basically not trust what I was experiencing towards the whole situation at this point because I had not actually really investigated what it all entailed and much of what i experienced was based on only 1 or 2 email exchanges and a fuck load of picture, ideas and concepts I had coming up in my mind. So I arrived there and was waiting for the person that was going to interview me to come by and give me a tour. It was quite cool to see the horses in the field as I drove in to park. Meanwhile points coming up like “this is crazy” “this is not going to work” basically because this job actually entail me to leave the city and actually live out on the farm so that I was “on-call” in a way. I mean this point in itself is actually pretty cool. I remember when I first came back into the city I was considering finding a place that was not directly in the city but ended up here where I am now living in the suburbs of the city of Calgary. From a certain perspective I see a point within me where I have accepted that “I am supposed to be in the city” and that if I go out to this Farm that “I am hiding” this was another point within the overall experience I was having of anxiety, where I was here in also believing that if I am not living in the “heart of it all”, like right in the city, that I am not really taking on the system so to speak and was actually trying to hide from myself. So will have to look at this point in common sense to see what the fuck is actually going on here in this point – where it is valid and where not. I can see the point of polarity here where I have defined the point within “either one or the other” like attempting to find the answer in the extremes instead of placing myself as the point that really matters. As I waited for the interview to begin, these two little dogs came towards me, I was in a way expecting them to start barking at me, but to my surprise they were very welcoming . I was still experiencing here that point of “feeling of place” because I was “not a cowboy” and had defined and created an idea/perception of who these people are or might be, and within this how they would view me based on my appearance. I see here the point of actually fearing a reaction where I had created in my mind the point where they would in a way “laugh at me” or “think less of me” or “diminish me”. When I finally met the girl that was doing the interview, I think we both in that moment were both facing our own preconceived image we had created in our mind about who each other is, and were busy now, trying to “get a gage” on who each other really is. In considering a job like this, I sure both of us are looking at “can I actually work with this person” Let me get into the job here more specifically about what it entailed which I learned through the Interview. The point was that I would initially start “part-time” where I would be getting trained to handle the responsibilities of the stable. Actually what I learned they were looking for is someone to eventually take over after 5 or 6 months when the initial manager there would be leaving where then I would take over as being the primary point there to care and look after ‘allot’ of horses, like she said there was something like 60 horses there at the moment, so shit, allot of horses. Where I would be responsible for making sure there basics were taken care of food, water, health etc…as well as tending to the basic maintenance of the farm. So I have before me quite a decision to make. From my perspective I am now seeing this point as a minimum of 2 years as a point which I would take on in my process. Could even go as long as 4 years. So this is quite a point here before me to now require to decide if this will support me in my process of doing what is best for all. What they do on the farm is breed and raise hunter/jumper horses, as well as board horses for others, so mentioned that there were horses being sold for like 100,000 dollars….that doesn’t sound right…anyways very very expensive.  Obviously here though that is irrelevant from the perspective of the animals are simply equal as life, and thus this be the foundation of how I go about caring for them. So basically this would be quite a responsibility I would be taking on. And will be an ‘investment’ of sorts “if I get the job” So there is a point of fear here in relation to making a decision like this, because this will play pretty influential role in the accumulation of myself so to speak. So in placing this within the equality equation I see that I would actually here have the opportunity to take on quite a responsibility which actually would be pretty cool. It will be allot of work, similar to how the functioning of things were on the Desteni Farm, where there was really no where to hide so to speak, but that one was always Here and ready to assist where ever required and it was no longer about, “wanting your space” and “wanting your time” so from this perspective the point is similar. The Location is about 20min from the city where I am not, so relatively  close but at the same time the Ranch is 200 acres. So after talking to the people there, they are simply looking for someone with common sense who is actually able to see that “ok” the horses require more food or water for example, apparently the person they have working th
ere now is not doing this very well. So it was cool to actually chat with the people there, and actually after/within chatting I began to experience myself more comfortable, and was like seeing the point inside of myself that I could actually do this, I could actually work there. I still experience points of resistance with regards to it being a somewhat new place and people, like fear that there is “some point that I have not considered” that will only reveal once I commit kind of thing. Fuck – Note to self: “look at the point of where I hide things from myself, and keep points hidden so that one moment they jump out when its too late, instead of revealing all the points to myself and considering everything from the get go, like a deliberate deception instead of actually acknowledging all points” I will find out Saturday. They have more interviews to conduct so will see how things unfold, either way this experience so far has opened up some interesting points with regards to considering points within me world which are of “actual value” and placing myself within a point where I will develop real points which will support what is best for all in time to come. Still here I am seeing the point of apprehension in relation to this investment of myself into this point where in the end It actually is not a point that is recognized by the system, so from this perspective will am still not taking on the system in this way. This is one of the points which create unsettledness so to speak, like, am I willing to do this and in the end not have any certificate from the system. I mean at this stage as it is I would not be able to consider doing education until for a least a year, but still this point of “system recognition” come into consideration within this point.

Finding A Job in this World – Horses or Hammers? 2010/10/12

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It has been in ‘interesting’ last week. What do I mean by ‘interesting’ ? I faced/am facing myself within the point of “finding a job”. So for the last week have been busy each day scouring the internet for jobs, though having realizing through this process what exactly ‘goes into’ ‘scouring’ Within ‘scouring’ I noticed that I will go through all the adds in like a mad a search to find a job, and just sift through hundreds of adds, looking for jobs that I could/can apply to, at times not actually going about this in the most practical way but seeing that I was moving and directing myself with a point of fear and frenzy much of the time. It was like the point “kicked-in” and I was like “fuck-I gotta get a job” I knew this point was inevitable but just exactly how it was going to unfold I did not know. So, the point is Here now and I am facing myself within this. I have found my application to change over the last week within facing this point, I noticed myself less directive within my days, and actually experiencing tiredness now during the days. A point that was not coming up previously. I see/perceive this point as being ‘big’ which is an indicator towards how I have designed the entire experience of myself around it. I have never been in this position before, where here I am “in my life” and I am required to make a decision now based on the foundation of myself as the principle of what is best for all. Or rather based on the understanding of this becoming my foundation through a process of self realization so to speak. And in a way within looking for a Job and considering this point, I have come to realize different aspects of what it means stand in “what is best for all” As I browsed through the adds, it was like I would place myself in the context of what the add describes, where I would see myself doing the job, performing the task, working with the people, basically for each add I would actually place myself in the experience of myself working in that particular job. Some jobs I experienced resistance, others I experienced myself as “fitting nicely” others I would experience a kind of “hope or warmth about the job” so within doing this looking at and considering “what is best for all” Initially I only thought that I would just be looking for something part time, where I could still work at home with desteni stuff, and not necessarily go “full-out” so to speak into a job. But as I went through the adds I began to ask myself questions like, “why not get a full-time job” “what’s holding you back” As I went through the adds  and I considered each add by placing myself within that point and seeing the outflows of placing myself in such a point, I began to notice and see how certain specific jobs would be more beneficial to “what is best for all” within where I would actually be placing myself in a point where in I could/can develop certain skills, or generate a specific amount of money etc…where all of this has a ‘consequence’ a physical out-flow of events which will accumulate to a specific point. And the consideration/question Here within these options was/is What is Best for ALL.

Why is this point ‘Big’ – As this point opened up more, I realized that this decision that I could/can potentially make here will play a specific role in the development of myself and where I will stand and place myself in the future as a point which support What is Best For All and the Emergence of a World Equality System. So in this I began to experience anxiety from the perspective of now seeing that this decision will actually play “quite a role in my life” and I did not want to “make  a mistake” or base this decision in Self Dishonesty where I “lock myself into” so to speak, I time loop because I “went for self interest” instead of what is practically best for all. Within now facing myself here in making a decision in this point which has/had opened up where in now I am looking at options which could last a year long for example or that now have consequence stretching years into my life and even points that I see will remain with me for eternity so to speak, but to keep in perspective the practicality of what is here to be done within this Life Time in Establishing an Equal Money System, this decision that was now before me is/will play a definitive role so to speak, in where I will eventually “end-up/place myself”

This point in a way “rocked my world” I mean, what am I willing to do. Am I really willing to take action in what is best for all. These points were now coming up in my world in seeing now that I will be getting a job, and seeing now that I will now be getting a job to earn money to pay off my loans and eventually prepare myself for education which is a point I am considering Here in the future.

I mean now Here the “Art” point comes into play as well, where this point in itself has become very quickly invalid in the way that I was considering it before.  Where now I see “Art” as a point which I will do once the basics are taken care of. So this in a way is a shift/transformation in the way I have prioritized myself simply in seeing the common sense of “taking care of the basics” before the Luxuries. I mean the art point has not been stable at all, particularly since coming back to the city here in Calgary. I have done almost no drawing or art at all, and simply experience a point of restless anxiety with regards to how I have been going about the Art thus far since coming back to Canada and now being here in Canada. At the moment I am looking now, how to re-establish this point for myself so that it support equality, so that I can actually slow down within this, and place the point within specificity and stability. Because at the moment, there is a point of restlessness that simply is not ‘creating’ a platform which support art at all. So I have been looking at this point and looking at how to go about actually establishing the whole are point in my world. What role can it play, where can it be most effective, so I will speak a little more on this in a moment. For now I will say the platform within which I was creating my art upon initially has in a way disintegrated and collapsed.

The Two Primary Jobs that seemed most Valid, and that seemed to fit a point that I felt would work and support myself within this process in what is best for all are related to either “Animal Care” or “Practical Labour, building, painting, construction and so on. These two points are the ones that have emerged as a more “longer term solution so to speak” Interestingly enough, I was not actually at all considering the point of working with animals until I came across three adds which “fit my profile” and qualifications.

The First one was a “Dog Walker” – that seemed pretty cool and point that came up here was responsibility as I have realized that to support an animal consistently develop a certain point of responsibility within a being, so within considering this point, this experience and skill in working and caring for an animal is one that I see as something that I would like to develop in myself or that would actually be a supportive point for myself in developing the point of actually “caring for / supporting another being” So here with the “dog walker” job this was the moment when “working with animals” was actually a point to consider within looking for work as I had actually developed some pretty cool experience with this while on the desteni farm.

So as I looked through more adds over the last few days I was coming across many practical labour jobs which I noticed on most of them required specific qualifications as a ‘certificate’ or ‘training’ that was recognized by the system, so this automatically, “counted me out”  or at least placed me below the ‘preferred’ applicant for many and most of the practical labour jobs advertised.  As I went through the listings I realized that doing practical labour and or working with my hands would actually be a point that would support me within this process, so more and more geared myself towards finding something where in I could/can develop these skills to a sufficient level. At the moment though I am not in a position to enter education within one of these fields so would actually have to find work which would take someone on with “no formal training” Here to I began to consider the point the point of actually working “full-time” within this field, and that within considering this point,  seeing “oh fuck” this would “change everything” meaning changing my accepted and allowed world. Another interesting point here also which ‘dawned’ on me was/is that I have never actually had a Full-Time job within this world. LOL, I have to laugh because all these years that I have worked here I have ‘avoided’ or somehow managed to “get-by” without having to ‘Commit’ to a full time job. I Resisted this immensely, so it is quite interesting here to actually now for the first time, actually be ‘willingly’ consider a full time job. So in this actually this is a point that I have never taken-on before in my life, So from this perspective it is a change in who I have always lived as and been.

Another Interesting Add which came up was “Zoo Labourer” this is a full-time position which I applied for where I would work in a zoo as doing practical maintenance around the zoo as well as working on a basic level with the animals. I mean from a certain perspective I see this as pretty cool. As now this is combining these two practical points of Animal Care as Well as Practical Maintenance.

It was when I came across this job that I really began to see the point of “doing what is best for all” Firstly I noticed inside myself like an ‘excitement’ or even a ‘hope’ you could say came up where in I felt that this job would be something “I like” and in seeing this point of this job being something “I would like” I saw that from the perspective of “doing what is best for all” to make or base a decision on “because you like something” as the starting point is self interest, so I was looking closely at this point and seeing if this decision for applying for this job was based on this starting point of self interest or if it is based on a clear assessment of how this point will accumulate within the equality equation in that which is best for all. Here also the point of “doing what is best for all”  opened up where in I could see that to take on a role of this nature, would actually require a ‘commitment’ of self. To actually stand at this point for a specific period of time. So here the point of ‘commitment’ opened up where I could then see the question(s) of How I was actually considering this point of commitment or even if I was at all. I mean the zoo point also opened up future prospects of “working with animals” in the future, and now to look at “what role animals will play in my life within this process, and is this a practical support point for process, and stuff like this now coming up.

So today as I continued to search for jobs I came across an add for a Horse Ranch Assistant. I applied to this add and now will be having an interview this week. This one I feel a bit “off” with still though. It just ‘doesn’t’ feel right, so will be interesting to see what this experience is all about. I noticed that I have this idea and perception within me that these people will be Christian’s or really into God or something, this is a connection I have made with regards to “horse people” being ‘into’ God so to speak, so this is one of the points why I experience this ‘offness’ towards the thing.

I also notice this point coming up of “Im not supposed to do that” like this idea I have formed of how I was supposed to come back and live in this city. I also see within this how I actually had formed quite a solid perception of myself of “having to live in this city” seeing as how this is where I currently am, and in a way because this was where I was before. I am remembering now actually which I had forgot about how in returning to the city that I immediately was looking for places to live that were not in the city as I saw the city as a place where I do not necessarily want to live. And that “what is the actual use of me being there” So in fact I had been considering the point of “not living in the city” which I had forget about, and had in a way accepted life as this where I was living in the city. I Also have developed this idea/perception that these people on the ranch will be “all into family” meaning quite tied into this construct which will cause friction.

Basically this is a 200 acre Ranch with 29 stables where they breed show horses and jump horses. So in this job I would actually move out and live right on the ranch and would be working with horses taking on a similar role in which i did on the desteni Farm. Because I would also be responsible for making sure all the practical points like farm maintenance and directing student workers and such were all running smoothly. So quite interesting really. Will see what unfolds. I emailed them tonight and got a reply for an interview this week sometime. I will keep you posted.

I also have a meeting with someone tomorrow who wants to discuss my “art practice” she is working for a magazine and is interviewing some artist that have been a part of the “market collective” that I am participating in which is a fair type thing where I sell my work. So this should be interesting to see what unfolds here also.

Ok so that’s all the points for now.

Writing Out My Day – October 8th 2010

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Writing Out My Day.

Today was a cool experience, mostly because I changed my routine somewhat so had a different experience of myself in relation to this. I Spent most of the day and night searching for a Job on the internet, and basically giving this point some serious investigation and consideration.

This point of not yet having a job has/had begun to weigh quite heavily on me, and I noticed that in a way I was suppressing myself in not taking this point on and giving it direction. Like I had begun to experience the point of my diminishment. So I spent the day looking into this point. It was quite cool, do search around and really begin to ask myself what I would like to apply myself in from the perspective of looking at the long term implications of the work I chose for myself. Last night as I “wrote out my day” I could see there was lethargy, and a kind of systematic way that that I was writing which I identified as a “time-loop” I was writing about my experience and in relation to Art, and it just seemed to reveal within this writing that there was a point I was stuck on, like a blockage, or dam, there was not flow in the words which indicate no flow in my expression of myself or in my life. So today, I took more specific direction with looking for Job. As I started walking this process and inquiring into different fields, I experienced myself as ‘opening up more’ where I could see that some of the shit I was experiencing the day before was actually just a perception or fear of what I believed would happen if I looked for a job. So I will continue with a more thorough directed search for work until I have the point in place. Because from my perspective this point was not in place and was causing a ‘rift’ in my experience of myself. Creating like an air bubble within me so to speak. I tended today to focus more on the physical labour jobs, as I inquired about some ‘handyman’ stuff and also some interior painting. I also inquired into a “dog walking” position which could be cool for the time being. All in all, I will investigate more and consider what is the direction I would like to take here in terms of “what is going to best assist and support myself and this process of bringing forth equality and how am I going to place myself within what particular skills. I mean it is becoming clear that this is not going to happen automatic. That this process of establishing equality on earth is “up to us” so to speak, and that there will be consequences to the actions and non actions we take. In a way I wanted someone to make this decision for me, in how I am supposed to place myself. What I am looking at now at the moment is tending more towards working with my hands like building up these practical skills. As this is a point which can always assist ones immediate environment. In terms of education this is not yet entirely clear – though with my training in fine art it could actually work to take on doing some kind of courses in technical design drawing so that I can develop blueprint designs for projects. I think one can get certified in this. So for the moment I am directing myself into this point of practical building skills that will support ones living environment.

In a way this actually alleviate some of the stress I was experiencing in relation to pursuing the “art point” I still cannot see any clear definitive way in how applying my time and energy towards “making pictures” will actually support me within this process. If anything I see that in fact it will actually not really support what I am doing. Though that does not mean I won’t carry one with the point, it simply means the “way I go about it will be different” I mean I enjoy working with this point, and it actually offer cool experience in product presentation, and sales, and marketing, so this I very much enjoy, and these skills are practical in what is to come though to devote all my time to this I do not see as practical. I was considering what Cam was doing today with tutoring and thought that that direction he is taking is quite specific with education, and that he in a way is killing two birds with one stone, where he has also the opportunity to work specifically with a point which Desteni Stand by within this process which is Education Development.

So in tutoring he is able to generate money for himself, and also place himself within a priority point of what is required prominently in the bringing forth of Equality.

Although and interesting point that has come up within my world is the point of Equal Labour. Why and How has this come up.  Well when one consider what is actually ‘Valid’ in this world. What will stand the test of time. One of the common questions that come up within addressing the equal labour point is that of “what is considered work, and what is considered leisure” Because for example how does one compare say the occupation of a doctor or a plumber to that of an Artist? I mean it seems that Art and Work are not the same thing. And I am finding that in fact they are not.  My experience in the point is that Artistic Expression like say dance, music, and painting move differently than say building a chair or being a doctor. Its like there are these categories of ‘occupations’ which will be required to be assessed within the point of equality to see where they are to be placed.  I mean, one cannot simply dance all day long for example of play music or paint, one will actually have to apply themselves practically as well. At the moment humanity accept Art as a Valid Occupation, which it is not from a certain perspective. Though it is definitely Valid as an expression, though its practical consequence and outflow must be taken into consideration within the context of how it actually impact reality. From my perspective I simply see the point of one existing and participating equally within a practical point as well as an expressive point.  Where Art is a luxury, not a basic need. So how the world currently exist this expression point is not in balance. It is existing exactly the same as the money system, where only a few individuals get to express themselves within applications of Artistic Expression, where millions have no option to do this at all. This is a fuck up because it also create a point of inferiority among many who have now accepted that they are simply not the “creative” type. And only if they were so lucky to be creative and expressive like the artists. Laughable is what that is. So the point here is where we will establish a world where all have equal opportunity to express creatively if they would like. And that Art will cease to exist within a point of delusional status as an occupation which can be justified to continue within the point we have placed it. From this perspective Art is Equal to how Money Currently Exist. It has been given a “value” that is not actually based on the Physical, but rather an idea that we have created. And thus is not based in physical equality.

I helped clean out a fridge here in my house today, there is allot of moving around going on at the moment. There is Massive Shift taking place here where three people are moving out of the house and two /three more moving in, so many things around the house are in the in-between stage and still in boxes. Quite interesting to see this taking place at the moment. I was discussing some tonight with one of my roommates lauren about different points. I have been specifically been pushing more points with her with regards to self honesty and just sharing some of my perspectives and what I am doing and what I stand for in terms of equality and bringing forth a new world based in equal support for all. I haven’t yet gotten to this much with my other roommate John, but am interested  in speaking more direct with the people in my immediate environment to see what the effect will be like. I noticed tonight that as I was speaking that the being I was speaking with went into a kind of resistance. I observed the point of inferiority come up within her, I mean I have been considering these points now for over 3 years, so to see this when speaking to others, that their context and ability to communicate around the point will not just automatically be there. I experienced myself as being to pushy. And saw that I could be more gentle within my approach in this instance. Not less direct, but rather building up a more stable foundation first before jumping right in and placing the being in a situation where they are obviously not able to have a perspective because they are still at the stage of considering things for the first time, so I feel like I place the being in a situation where I was not equal to the them in where they are in terms of what they are able to express around the point.

Ok thats ALL for tonight. I think tomorrow I would like to take on the point of writing during day, and do a mind construct or something.

Daily Writing – October 7th – On Art and Work

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I began my day as usual by waking up to my alarm. I got up and went and made myself a coffee. One of my primary points/thoughts coming up today was with regards to work. I experienced an anxiety in relation to this point because I do not yet have a ‘steady job’ in place. This point seems to be the primary point within my world at the moment, needing and requiring myself to find a Job. I search daily on the internet for work but have yet to come across a Job that I feel will best suit what I am doing. I find there is a point of anxiety that comes up within this where in I experience the question of “am I doing enough”  Since getting back to Canada some months ago now, I have experienced this anxiety/playing out nearly the entire time, as it has become a primary ingredient in my overall experience of myself. And I have not been able to “shake it” From my perspective it seems as though if I were to get myself a Job than this point would actually stop…..Ok enough speculation lets move onto something more solid. I worked with my drawings some today, I began placing them 1 by 1 into plastic sleeves in preparation for selling. This experience that I have been having towards my Art Work has been well…exactly that…an expereince of emotional feeling reactions and highs and lows and doubts etc. Though I continue working with point because it is here and so I am managing the point from the perspective of utilizing it to make money. Here though lies the point of Validity, I have had to push through the experience I have almost daily or even constantly that Art and what I am doing with it is “not valid” fascinating that actually I have been walking with this point for some time now. Another aspect working with Art is the whole side of pricing the work. So within this at the moment, I noticed that my pricing is not actually set within an equation that will actually be able to support me within my world. It has been a bit tricky to establish this price because most of the work I have is past work and in this has already been made, so its easy to place a low price on it because its like as if is already Here, though at the time, I spent many hours creating the piece. I also placed a local add on craigs list advertising myself as an Art Tutor. Will see how this goes. The point that is coming up at the moment is – what if I did not have to fucking deal with this art point. With this fucking game I play weather its good or bad or whatever, trying to hang onto it, like God sometimes I just wish the fucking point would disappear. And I could just get on with other things. Its such a fucking delusion because here I am working with all my old stuff, and looking at and dealing with all my old pictures and never getting around to actually actively working with creating some new stuff, to see if in fact my application within art has some value. Because all my old work is “empty” sure some interesting stuff but just an expression for expression sake, not yet considering the greater picture. Sometimes I think that I am creating the whole point of failure within art myself which is one reason why I don’t want to give it up, because I feel that if I do, it would actually just have been me manipulating myself into believing that I actually am not able to do it and that its worthless. Its fucked up though because then the other side of the coin is me manipulating me into believing that it is in fact Valid. When I say ‘valid’ I mean founded and based upon the principle of “what is best for all”. I really cannot see myself travelling with my work at all. I mean what is fucking point of painting and drawing pictures for money – I suppose there are other sides to “visual arts also” like the illustrative side, or marketing or providing pictures to support in explanations of things. I experience a point of dis – ease inside me when I work with this point because I just can’t seem to “get myself fully into it” Like I think of someone like robert who is doing programming or someone who is going into politics, its like the thing they chose will assist and support them more because it is relevant in what desteni is doing and the emergence of an equal money system. So from this perspective art is fucking annoying. Why? Because what the fuck is the Use. I should take the art outside and Burn it. Just Burn Everylast piece. Then it would be done with. Although I can still see that there within me would be the ‘urge’ to start something new, like make a new drawing. But At least then it would be new. Its Unfortunate that I was not able to sell much of my Art work, I would say maybe 15 percent of it. Its like I couldn’t figure out what to do with then, and I cant figure out what to do with it now. Its like I have to create a like about it in order to present it to sell, and I really can’t think of anything to say about the work. Thats probably because when I made it, I wasn’t really ‘saying’ anything. Basically I am just writing about this shit, that is going on inside of me in relation to this point to see if I can just get the fucking thing directed. Basically I am placing art everyday on this site to sell. I see the point as actually just mathematics where if I am constant in my application and just keep compounding the point that eventually something will sell. And within this principle I will actually be able to make money, just simply keep applying pressure on the point until it moves, Its not a matter of if its good or bad, that’s irrelevant, the application is based on Mathematics.  This point of pushing this equation and working out the mathematics of everything I actually find I enjoy more than the work itself. Although I have noticed that my numbers will not support me in terms of money. Speaking of Mathematics. I should really raise the prices, How I have it placed now, I surely will not be able to create a functional sustainable equation. I see the point of actually fearing raising the price. Which is Odd because I see here that price is arbitrary  as price and value is arbitrary within this world at the moment, and if I actually look at it, I am making about 12-15 dollars an hour considering the amount of time and space it requires to place one of these works.  I am at the moment looking for 20$ per hour job as anything else would be just barely breaking even each month so with the drawings, for some reason I have allowed myself to actually underpriced them, and have justified this. I mean its easier to underprice them because people with think your humble instead of egotistical. And I mean as long as “look good” and retain “my character” thats compete bullshit because that is just personality polarity, and completely based on fear, and worrying “what others might think” Ok I am going to give my price some reconsideration, because it seems with what I have now, if I started to sell them, that I actually would end up selling all my product off and not really have made any money at all.  Fuck – Ok I am going to look at this again.

Otherwise today was alright. I mean I am not going to school or have a job at the moment, so spend each day at the house here with myself mostly, It actually has been pretty interesting in a way I suppose where I am becoming more self honest and directed within my application with myself alone. More consistent and find that I require much less “flashes and whistles and bells” to keep myself moving. I simply move myself within the understanding of this is my world at the moment, so I direct me. And not go into the point of believing that because seemingly nothing is happening that “I am doing the wrong thing” So it has simply been a point of remaining here and applying me within what is here with the internet and forums and the art stuff and the occasional work that I have had here in the city.

I have been busy it seems, daily, up around 8 and to bed around 1:30 2:00 and busy the entire time. Like just focusing on getting the necessary points placed, like forums read, and internet support and placing art on etsy, and SRA, the days have been full and I have been pushing myself to remain focused and Here throughout my day, but there is still that point of “trying to get everything done” throughout the day. Where I Kind of rush at times or experience anxiety of trying to get everything done, and in fact I have actually only created art a few days since being back here, like just being quite busy with Desteni Stuff. I see that I would like to make art, and that I would like to study something, I mean I am seeing many studying at the moment, and this makes me really question my application, and why I am not studying. Obviously at the moment I don’t have the money, unless I take a funded course which would be something like electricity, I think they fund those courses and the person can work right away. But I can’t seem to talk myself into this one. Seems like  life choice to study electricity for some years than work in your own business under another of some more years then finally after about 8 to 10 years have you own thing. I mean is that really how I want to place myself. Fuck this question has actually been a LOOMING question within lately to. Its like sitting there with all the other stuff with Art and Jobs and School, and how I am going to place myself, and there is this fucking point with electricity. Fuck I just can’t see it. I just can’t bring myself to take that direction. I discussed this point on the Farm with Bernard a few times, and Even then I would go into like a fucking shock every time he brought it up. It just seemed so out of place, but I considered it and willed myself to do some research on the point to see what was available and I mean, from the perspective of it being pretty much free to get into and you will get a paying wage right away, its actually pretty cool. But then that would be like my life. Not more Art Obviously, that would be my education. Electricity, not politics or anything like that. SO fuck I just can’t fucking get myself to do it, It just seems so off. Its like the polarity of the Art Point LOLOLOL its like the negative end of the spectrum where there exist a point that “is just off” and then in the positive side, I have the Art which “is just off” although I am actually ‘closer’ to art in a way so I guess from that perspective it is not really the same. But interesting in a way though.

Sometimes I wonder if I would simply let the Art point go that I would become much more effective within my application and could then just focus more on the information processing and communication stuff. Or if I were to get into the art a little more that I would become more effective. This is the kind of shit that has been/is existing inside of me, so I am simply writing it here because I have got to get this fucking point clear and directed with what the fuck I am going to do and stop the polarity debate stuff – It is just not fucking clear yet, so ya, gotta get this point directed.

Living a Lie! – Re-Program Yourself.

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Going to start tonight by writing about this point that opened up today in relation to communicating with other beings. I went out today to do a bit of work in the furniture shop that I worked in and so I arrived and spoke briefly to my co-worker who was there and then I continued on my way getting busy with what I was there to do. I have actually never had a “real conversation with this being” but within the particular environment that we are in – that being work related – the conversation has been mostly business. Anyways today when I came in, I was only there for a short while and there was this moment, the moment right before I made the decision to leave, that I was in the moment also considering the point of just speaking a little bit to the being, instead of just leaving. Just simply a point of opening a conversation. And as I walked out the door, I saw how in that moment I actually suppressed myself from communicating, and so in that moment you can say, “this point” of “communicating with others began to emerge” I realized in that moment that I actually had just suppressed myself from the perspective also of simply allowing “old patterns” to direct me in how I “used to be” in relation to others, and more specifically, what I accepted and allowed myself and others to exist within and as in terms of communication and interaction.  In that moment I then “flag-pointed” the experience where if I were to see this point come up again that I would push myself to “speak – up” The later on that day as I was/am now home, I was speaking to my roommate and as I was speaking, I could see the point coming up of “how I was supposed to interact with this person” The point that I saw infolded from the perspective of first seeing the point of How I used to communicate and interact with women in my world, and then also noticing that “my communication” in that moment was actually such due to definitions I had/have placed on how a male and female are supposed to interact. Within seeing this I the realized that I cannot simply continue to allow myself to interact/communicate with this being in this way, as this was not based in equality but rather “how society has created and placed the point of how male and female are supposed to interact” which I had simply accepted within and as myself. So the question then came up, Ok, so how then do I communicate with this person from the starting point of equality and what is best for all. I then saw the point of “myself” simply treat this being the same way that I would want to be treated. So rather than look at this particular being as a women who is talking/speaking to male, address them within equality, as equal to yourself, and communicate with them as equals, How do I like to be communicated with, what do I find ‘cool’ conversation is like. So within seeing this I could see the points of actually I enjoy when people are relaxed and are actually willing to go into a conversation and simply not just remain on the surface of things. Then I turned my attention to my other roommate and realized that there was like a blockage and a resistance there, as in I experienced myself within communication towards him, as doing it in a very one dimensional kind of way. In that moment I place myself as the being from the perspective of “Am I communicating to this being, Equally to how I would want to be communicated with” and I saw the point then, that I was in fact only speaking to him and addressing him from the perspective of how I perceived and defined him to be. So the correction is to Place myself as the reference point, where actually all beings are equal as beings, and so to establish that point of equality with all and each so that one communicate and interact from this perspective. So I place me as the reference point as to “how to communicate with another” when ever I encounter a moment where I do not know what to say or how to interact or that I see I am judging a being – In these moments I simply stop and establish my starting point of communication where in I speak to the being within the point of equality in where I communicate to them equally how I would prefer to be communicated with and essentially “How I treat Me” thus I give to them what I want for myself, in communication. So pretty cool point.  The about an hour ago or so I received a comment by Marlen on One of my Blogs speaking specifically about this point of communication. The Comment was in relation to a Blog post I wrote were I was observing how individuals interacted within this world and how this point of interaction was/is actually based on lies and essentially, very superficial bullshit nonsense to put abruptly. Although when I wrote this blog two days ago I missed one point. That it was written from the perspective of actually accepting and allowing this kind/type of communication to exist, where in, I was/had actually placed myself ‘subject’ to it ‘powerless’ to it so to speak, where I was actually accepting that “this is just the way things are” and had not actually considered the point of actually taking it upon myself to simply STOP this kind of communication by and through me simply Not accepting and allowing myself to remain “on the surface” so to speak, from the perspective of feeling/experiencing myself as subject to “what the other wants to talk about” even though I would rather speak direct, to the point, and actually get the truth and hear of the conversation in every moment, I simply would place myself at the ‘whim’ of “where the other was” and what they wanted to talk about. I mean sometimes I would push a little bit, and kind of open points up some, but I was very tentative, and delicate so to speak in the manner. Doing this primarily from the starting point of fear. Of not wanting to ruffle any feathers or upset someone, or cause a contradiction. Its like I would project into the future what might happen if I speak direct on a point and assume the being will react. And what I did was simply allow myself an others to exist within relationships and communications that were for the most part, pointless, and simply just filling space. No actually substance or direction. What I see now was/is that I was ‘waiting’ “waiting for the write moment” and this being in relation to comfort ability, and just assuming that if I were to actually inquire and question a being that they would close up and the conversation would not go anywhere and they would get uncomfortable. And I was not trusting myself within my ability to facilitate the opening up of a conversation or point where I was/am able to walk through that initial stage of “being uncomfortable” with another, which is not valid anyways, because to be directed by uncomfortabilty is to be directed by the mind. And so ultimately what I see here is that I was actually still supporting “how things are” in terms of “how communication and interaction between beings currently exist” because I was unwilling to actually “ push through the barriers that people place, that I had simply accepted as “Valid” and actually get to some real direct actual communication that will assist and support the being, myself, and the emergence of equality and and equal money system. I allowed “how things are” to direct me. I was tacitly participating with the point of “oh its just the way things are” and not actually Pushing the change, Me Simply Standing Up and Not Accepting this world the way it exists, where in I actually DIRECT myself to change How I interact within this world, and STOP accepting that I am powerless to do anything about it, and within this accepted and allowed powerless, just wait. So pretty cool to see this point.  Its quite obvious now. Its like those “small moments” where I observe what a being is doing, but simply talk to them on a level that is clearly in absolute ignorance, meaning both see the REAL point that is HERE but filter and interact in such a way that it will not, is not getting addressed.  I no longer accept and
allow myself to simply “let this be” A passive approach to this reality is exactly how I created manifested the world around me, I just sat back and observed everything, always observing and seeing much, but not speaking, not saying what I actually see and experience. “what if Im wrong” or even better and more prominent “what if I offend them” Fucking Bullshit. So this point is clear within what I am required to do from the perspective of me directing myself within understanding of why I am/will be directing myself in this manner, to no more accept and allow myself to exist as the mind, as how I have always existed as. I transform myself within communication by speaking up, as a participant, and no more accept and allow me to be an observer, and when I encounter moments where I see a point, and I want to hold back, and “let someone off the hook” I speak up,  I speak about what I see, and simply share my perspective, offering a perspective that may actually assist the being, instead of keeping quite. So quite an interesting point here that has come up.

For me to become visible, I must participate, I must comment, I must engage my world and my reality as a participant. Not accepting or allowing myself to exist only as an observer in waiting. And thus this is what I do, I speak, I comment, I add “my two sense” I participate. Otherwise I simply just disappear.

Letting Go of the Past – Daily Writing – October 5th 2010

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October 5th Writing Out My Day.

First point of reaction that I want to look at here is the reaction I had as I was browsing through Desteni Forums today.  As I was reading the posts I was reading this one post where Robert was inquiring about getting a volunteer visa. The Reaction I had when I first saw this started with a jealousy point coming up first in relation to Robert from the perspective of me being inferior towards other being in this process. This ‘kind’ of reaction within the point of inferior towards other being in this process has been quite allot. I have been noticing that I still react quite ‘strongly’ in relation to “other beings within this process” particularly those who are younger than me, and also those who will be visiting the farm in South Africa. Within this I see that I immediately go to a point of “believing, seeing, experiencing myself as if I “had my chance” or that “the cool part of my life is over” and that I now must go back to my ‘mundane’ existence of simply living out my life. Within this I see the point of actually having separated myself from the point of “having a cool/enjoyable life experience” where I have abdicated this point in this scenario to “the desteni farm” where in I am actually walking around holding onto this belief that “that was like the pinnacle of my life” and also that I myself am not capable of doing for myself the experience I had at the desteni farm. An interesting point – Its like an accepted and allowed idea or perception of myself as being incapable of providing for myself enjoyment, excitement, intrigue. Its like going to the arcade as a kid and holding back on using up all your quarters, because when your quarters are used up, your fun is over. So in a way I have placed myself in a point where I essentially, “have not more quarters” and there is nothing I can do about this. Its like  belief that I am not capable of providing for me that point of ‘coolness’ I will say, in terms of a ‘life that I actually enjoyed’ Also because of the people there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” the idea that I am not capable of recreating for myself a ‘point’ within this world and my life that is equal to that which I experienced at the desteni farm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hold onto’ and ‘fear losing’ desteni from the perspective of it containing ‘points’ which I see myself as incapable of ‘expressing’ for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self value to desteni from  the perspective of believing that without desteni and specific points within desteni such as the portal, that Life would be “back to normal and boring”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on desteni and the portal for “life to be interesting” from the perspective of actually placing value in this point outside of myself where in I “don’t want that point to go away”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” points in separation from me from the perspective of giving them value instead of realizing and seeing value as myself here in every moment, where in I am the source to speak of “my experience”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hold onto anything out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “get upset” because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of me and the enjoyment there-of is dependent on external forces, and that if I do not have access to those external forces or points than my life will never be fun, or enjoyable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement of  – I don’t want to be with just me – where in I am actually implying that I am not enough and that who I am as myself alone, is actually someone I “don’t want to be with”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger over the point of “being with me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a shit experience for myself and never do anything to change that, where in I actually create a cool experience for myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take responsibility for me in creating my own world in self responsibility, but rather want someone else to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “not want” to stand up and create my own reality because then there would never be any surprises.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to entertain me while I sit and do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this point abdicate my responsibility to another to “lift me up”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “place desteni” as that point which “lift me up” instead of me “lifting me up” so to speak.

I forgive myself that I haven’t taken action within this world and reality to create a system that will actually make interaction expression in this reality cool and enjoyable for ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of creating a scenario that I actually enjoy and that others enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand back and let others create specific events and scenarios for beings to experience themselves within because I fear that I will create something that is not fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vulnerability in actually being able to facilitate a cool experience for myself and others in communication and interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings depend on me, because I believe that I will simply let them down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define creating a scenario, environment, or situation for myself and others to come together and interact as “not fun” because I actually fear communicating and interacting with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my preprogramming to dominate me from the perspective of seeing myself as uncomfortable around other beings, and there in avoid expressing and interacting with others because of it being uncomfortable and awkward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as life believing that I am unable to make a life for myself that works and that I enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my expansion and learning to a point outside of me in and as desteni Bernard and the portal, instead of me expanding myself within such a way that I am intrigued and engaged by this self expansion as myself from the perspective of actually really enjoying each moment of my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “miss” the farm, instead of simply letting the point go within seeing that it is cool to let the point go, and realize that I am not defined, or dependant on ‘the farm’ where in seeing that this ‘experience’ I have within this point is actually simply based on an energetic charge and a starting point of separation, and that rather, give myself the gift of me, through “letting  this point of the farm go” and standing HERE within my life, HERE in this moment with “no reaction to or towards the farm, but Me Standing as Myself where I realize that who I am is only dependant on myself as the source of me.

I allow myself to let go of desteni.

I allow myself to let go of desteni from the perspective of unconditionally letting this point go as this is simply who I was in the past. Yes it is very cool, though to expand this point, I simply ‘let it go’ and expand me.

I stand here within the realization of to let this point of the desteni farm go, that I am actually allowing me to expand where in I am not accepting and allowing myself to place limits and boundaries on what is possible in this life, in this reality, this existence, but that I unconditionally let the past go and remain here as myself, walking this process to bring about practically, a world that is best for all.

In by hanging onto the past I am not allowing myself to see myself as anything ‘more’ than what has already happened,

I allow me to stand here equal to the desteni farm and all that i experienced where in by letting this point go unconditionally I make the statement to myself that I am equal to the point.

So ya, basically I reacted to the point of seeing that Robert was going to the farm. In a way having a desire to once again go to the farm, although Interestingly enough I experience a resistance to the point of going to the farm as well. Where in I see myself in certain experiences I had there, where there were some tough points and experiences that I had to walk through and that I would rather not face these again. So that is the point of resistance coming up there.

Another point that came up in relation to this point is believing that “if I had something useful to offer” I would maybe be in a different position. Like for example Robert is taking on the point of programming, as well as others which is quite a useful point with Desteni. So here I see the point of wanting to be practically valid in that which I ‘contribute’ so to speak to desteni. Like wanting to be an integral part. Like holding a key responsibility. But again I see that within this there is the dimension of simply wanting a “key point” so to “lock myself in” to desteni, as to never have to lose destei. Oh God…lololololololo, thats fucking funny. The Mind is a sneaky fucker. So this aspect of this point is not valid. However, acquiring or developing myself practically to take on a specific role within this process I see as still being valid. Though how I actually perceive myself within where I currently stand in this point, seems to contain a kind of manipulative view I will say, as in still I experience much doubt as to “my effectiveness” and “role” in terms of having the necessary preparation. I Guess the point Here to Consider is that this is not going to happen by itself. That it is not “meant to be” but that I will actually have to place myself within seeing common sensically where and how exactly, precisely to place myself so that I support the bringing forth of a new equal money system and a world that is best for all.

I had a conversation today with a girl that lives here in the house I am living with. I quite enjoyed the conversation as I would say it is the furthest into depth I have went in terms of sharing my understanding of how things are currently going, and how this world is actually functioning and what points being should really be considering within this world – I also realized that within speak to others, instead of being alone in my room, I actually practically open myself up and become more effective at communicating and interaction with actual real beings. Anyhow it was a pretty cool experience because there are not allot of people one come across, or at least that I have come across that actually are willing to listen. It was fucking fascinating to see this being actually considering these points and seeing these points as common sense as I explained my perspective. Its like seeing myself in a way where in it is quite enjoyable to see a being consider for the first time a question or point that they had not before, where in I see me there considering that point for the first time, when it was first presented to me, and how interesting it was to consider such things, and how, my life changed from that point forward, it become funner, to live and be here on this earth, within considering such possibilities, almost like one goes “fuck I knew it” “ I knew there was something more” “I knew it” like a light goes on inside a being so to speak.

So otherwise still facing this point daily of How exactly I am going to place myself within this process. Obviously money an ‘obstacle’. Interesting though I see the point of being kind of relieved that I “don’t have to consider the point of education at the moment” due to money. Or rather this consideration is something I can prepare for in the future, but do not have to directly face at the moment. So what is this point of relief? One point I see here is that I can avoid doing something that I do not want to do, and in a way, hold onto a point of hope that I can actually do something that is valid and relevant within this process. Also seeing that within the education that my participation with desteni would be less, or like “moving away from desteni” so again here seeing the point of ‘fear’ or the point of ‘holding onto desteni’ which is why I am ‘relieved’ that I do not have to consider education at the moment, which actually represent the point of “moving away from desteni” as I have placed it within me.

In terms of education –  the points where I see I require education is politics and economics as these are points that I know very little about. Meanwhile I can begin Educating myself on these points.

Goodnight.

Lies, Lies, Lies – The Foundation of Man

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What we have come to accept as “normal human behaviour” is based and founded on fear. Where we are attempting to make sure all the time that “everything is ok” “Normal Human Behaviour” has become the ‘art’ of “smoothing things over” and attempting to “make a fucking pretty picture out of everything”. “Trying to paint things in the best possible Light”. “Agreeing with each other” as to “not upset anyone”.  Attempting to keep up some kind of ‘equilibrium’  where everything is ‘happy’ and ‘ok’.  No One really communicates at all ‘for real’. No One knows how to communicate for real. And when one try and communicate for real, all that it is met with is resistance “oh my god, this person isn’t talking about the weather” “oh my god, smile and laugh, smile and laugh” all a reaction out of fear. Because within communicating for real, the entire, structure, the network of our world is being ripped apart. Because one integral element we have used to “create our world” to “build it up” is in our communication with others, in how we speak and interact. No body goes and hangs out in a coffee shop and actually discusses the core of themselves and actually talk about Real Shit. Our fabric of our world is woven out of superficial nonsense so to speak. The common foundation of our words is Fear, not an understanding of who we are as equals.  One immediately go into resistance when being faced with “real communication” because it is so rare. One do not know how to respond, or even better, how others will respond. I mean, what is Awkwardness but a kind of fear. Fear of what someone else might think or say, fear of what they might find out about me, fear of exposing all the secrets and lies that I have been holding, what I ACTUALLY think about them. Lies Lies Lies, that is the Foundation of Ourselves and the Foundation of our World. It is how we interact and communicate with each other day to day, That is quite a fuck up. That 24 hours 7 days a week 365 days a year, we exist within our world and our lives, LIEING to each other. That is why it is called LIE-F, No one speak the truth of themselves – Because it is not cool. It is not accepted. The world is messed up and it requires to be changed.

For a World Solution and Support on how to Communication For Real Visit –  http//:desteni.co.za

Writing Myself to Freedom – Writing Out My Day – Oct 4th 2010

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Writing Myself to Freedom – Writing Out My Day – Oct 4th 2010

I worked today so I decided to get up at 7:30 instead of 8:00 so I had some extra time. I did experience myself as ‘more tired’ but got up and began my day. I arrived at work, which was actually someone’s house whom we were fixing a table that had been delivered there during their home re-modelling. This is actually quite interesting because at the moment I am working “very part time” meaning filling in for a friend who is out of the city, at this “high-end” furniture store, where I go in and put together the furniture to be displayed on the floor. I find this interesting because while in South Africa, I spent allot of time building furniture, so in a way I am actually a good fit for this Job. So see what comes out of it. So Anyways while I was helping with the fixing of this table today, there was this other guy there also who has a business called “furniture Medic” where he has clients around the city and basically he fixes furniture. It was pretty cool to see that this job actually exist, and so when I saw this guy doing this, I saw myself doing that as well, and see that as something that I actually would enjoy doing and would be a way to practically apply myself within the skills that I have. I mean, at the moment I am looking for various job potentials so just placing myself in the shoes of different occupations to see what that would entail and if it is something that I would like to pursue. Basically I saw this Furniture Medic thingy as pretty cool. Though still I am also seeing that something like that would take time and expertise to develop. But I am quite satisfied with this Job thus far. Though it is very temporary perhaps, will see what comes of it. Its also interesting from the perspective of money. Because this is an expensive store so lots of rich people coming in and buying furniture for thousands of dollars. Obviously the value of things is so fucking arbitrary, and not based on equality in any way what so ever. Like some of the stuff in the store is like 1000 dollars for a stool that you could get, in better quality from some farmer for 10 bucks. Its astonishing that we have gotten to the position where we are unable to see the value of things anymore and have bought into the current money system so deeply and are now blind to our actually practical physical reality. Its like everyone just “plays the game” and attempts to “build themselves up” by buying expensive things to “pad their status” or should I say buying expensive ‘couches’ to ‘cushion’ their status. So quite interesting to observe this point, and this money interaction taking place. Its like the point of money for many who come into the store is almost of “no importance” like they have this paper which they have allot of and just want to spend it, and not really considering the context of this world, or where that money actually come from because simply, they have it! I Dressed in black and grey today with nice black shoes so I fit in. So I took care to ‘present myself’ within the system. Black Jeans, Grey sweater, and black shoes, I matched the furniture! While I was at the this woman’s house who was remodelling she had this one massive painting and a few other contemporary pieces as well in her kitchen, interesting to see. In seeing this I considered the point of how people buy Art as a ‘statement’ of who they are and ‘what they are worth’ meaning it adds to their status, which is entirely based on money and nothing else. So for example they would not consider buying the work of an artist who sells their art cheap, no matter how skilled the work was, because it would ‘devalue’ their status from the perspective of making them ‘worth less’ (interesting worth less = worthless) So they rather buy something expensive so they retain their value, So from this perspective if you had two works exactly the same, they would buy the expensive one as to ensure their status remain “upper-class” I always get the urge to start marketing my work to these people, but just cant get myself to do it. Its tempting but I fear that I would eliminated another market by doing this, not that I really sell much work anyways. Sometimes I think that I have priced my work in no-mans-land like just can’t seem to find the right point with it. Speaking of which, when I was done work today and got home to check my e-mail, I had received a mail notifying me that I had Won a Draw and will receive a 25.00 gift certificate to an art supply shop here in town. I remember the thought that I had as I filled out that form a few weeks back – that I had good odds to win because if everyone felt as I did in that moment with regards to filling out the form to qualify for the gift certificate, nearly no one would do it, because I didn’t really feel like it, but I remember in that moment I simply pushed through the resistance and took the physical actions and filled out the form. And now won the prize. That’s cool. This whole art point is interesting. I experience the point as quite irrelevant at times. Today I placed one of my paintings in this frame that I had bought a while back and simply wanted to test to see what the painting looked like in it. As I did this, its like I have many thoughts of the complete irrelevancy of the ‘whole thing’ the whole thing being the art thing. Well obviously, this entire world is irrelevant. The functionality of society and social participation is irrelevant. What we spend our time doing here on earth, our daily actions day in and day out are irrelevant, yet people just go along with it, attempting to find some satisfaction, some joy, attempting to make it “worth while” mostly just accepting that this is how it is completely and simply signing on the dotted line to make the “best of it” But I have realized that it never goes anywhere. The mathematics do not accumulate to that which is best for all, do not accumulate to that which will stand for eternity. This is a simple equation and I will share this, what I have found and seen for myself unconditionally, because within now what I have seen, I actually experience myself as having some purpose, some substance to myself and my experience, that “it isn’t all a waste” and so if anyone who is reading this line, who is not considering the point of equality, within the context of an equal money system, and considering “what is best for all” in every moment, I suggest doing so, as within this you will see, that everything you do and have ever done, was/is actually nothing. And that you have simply just been and are trapped in meaningless cycles over and over and over never adding up and accumulating to anything. You will see that your entire participation within this world in irrelevant. And that what you have been doing the whole time is figuring out ‘cute’ ways to explain, and ‘joke’ away the reality of your actual existence which is meaningless, abusive, and suppressive. We have created an entire, language, way of communicating, and interacting with each which only hide and vial the truth of what is actually going on. Our entire communication/language/interaction is just one elaborate justification and excuse to simply trap ourselves again and again, into abusive patterns and behaviour of alcohol, drugs, hatred, anger, sexual abuse, inequality – An Absolute FUCK-UP. This life is a Waste of Time. Though from a certain perspective I cannot blame anyone or expect anyone to “see the point” as from where I am standing the foundation perse, is built out of that which has been shown and communicated to me from the perspective of I did not initially see how I was existing until it was pointed out to me. So once again people – THERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO LIVE, IT IS POSSIBLE, A COMPLETE NEW WAY OF LIVING AND EXISTING FOR ALL AND EVERYONE, WHERE THE STARTING POINT OF OUR ACTIONS AND WORDS AND EXPRESSION IS BASED WTIHIN THE CONSIDERATION OF DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL, Meaning we see and understand that we are inseparable from everything that is here, and that we take responsibility for ALL that is here equally, as each one
take responsibility for themselves as one who take responsibility for ALL, thus ALL and Each Considering ALL and EACH in every way, this will end abuse, war, starvation, suffering, as we realize that those who stand before us is one and equal to ourselves and thus we ‘treat’ them as we ‘treat’ our self. Such a simple mathematical equation to End All Abuse. A world where we stand together, express together, walk together –Within A Common Principle, like a thread as an Understanding that extends through each and every point/being in existence, unifying ALL within this Principle, this Understanding of Who we are as Equals. This Thread, the foundation of Our New Way of Life. A Life that is Dignified, Where No one has to stand in Fear of Abuse, where we actually support each other in expression instead of judge each other. I can see nothing in this world that is worth keeping. I suggest Stand-Up for Equality, and a New Equal Money System, and World Equality System that is based in Equality thus ensure that all beings are respected equally, and that no one being is valued less or more than another, so that ALL can stand eye to eye as equals.