Category Archives: Life Experiences

My Relaxed is NOT Relaxed- Realizing I have a Fear of People

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An interesting point came up today. My roommates left on Christmas holidays and so now I have the whole house to myself. Some people were supposed to come and stay here though, they are not here yet and I don’t know if they will show up. Anyways, after some hours of being here in the house alone, by myself, with no people, no roommates, and knowing that they will not be back here for at least a week, so just me with myself alone in the house, I noticed something interesting. I was calm, I was relaxed and I was actually enjoying myself. Was quite fascinating to see this, because what it revealed and showed to me was that in fact “I have a fear of/towards people” I definitely was not expecting this point, where all of the sudden I realized, “omg, I am actually relaxed” compared to ‘stressed’, ‘tense’, ‘irritated’, ‘anxious’ and simply not able to relax and be me. I noticed that when my roommates are around, I experience myself as stressed out, and its interesting because over the last few months, I could see this point of “being stressed” all the time, but I though it was because of money, I did not realize to the extent that my experience of “being stressed” over the last few months was actually “being caused/triggered” through having my roommates around, or simply people in general. I had actually completely accepted my experience from the perspective of when I would relax and watch movies here at home while my roommates were around, that I believed I was relaxing, and had accepted this experience of relaxation, not realizing until now, that in fact I was holding onto a point of anxiety/fear/stress, that I had become so accustomed to it that it became a part of my definition of relaxation. I also noticed today that I was actually enjoying myself, this due to the point that I could move freely in the house without fear that someone would suddenly show up, and then I would have to restrict my expression once again. And this is one of the points I am seeing within my experience at the moment, that I completely limit and restrict and suppress myself around others, even if they are upstairs doing there own thing, and I am down here in my room doing my own thing, I still “tense up” and am not comfortable, and relaxed. So was quite interesting to see this point, as I had not realized how fucking rigid and tense I was over the last few months, which is in relation to this point of “fear of people” So I will have to take this point on, as to remain within this point of suppression around people is essentially a point of killing myself literally, as me, as I simply suppress myself and exist within a very limited parameter so as to not offend or intrude or cause any friction from others. And so I spend all of my energy “being aware” of where others are in the house, and how they might react if I do this or if I do that. I see the point is to allow myself to be as relaxed and comfortable with others as I am with myself, as I see this point now which I have not in quite some time, of me actually “letting go” of the point of “holding myself” within a specific presentation, or attentiveness when other people are around. I also painted today with oil paints which I have not done since getting here to Calgary. I painted because “no one is here to be offended” if I “try this out” I can move where I want in the house, which is this little room that “the guy” who owns the house, built and put in a ventilation system, to make “silk screens” – its just down the hall from my bedroom and no one ever goes in there, though interesting connection that today was the first day I actually went in there and tested out painting. I painted a self portrait, and really enjoyed it. I was satisfied with the “technique” I used as I tried something a little different. Though the proportions of the face could have been more specific. All in all, it went pretty cool, I spent maybe around 2 and half to 3 hours painting it. I did the painting as a “preparation painting” for another piece I had in mind, though wanted to first “get warmed up” so painted a self portrait. I have also been busy creating some designs for a women for t-shirts. I have been using Adobe Illustrator and have quite enjoyed getting to know that program, so have had the opportunity recently to do some more art which has been cool. I don’t see art the same as I used to. And so am still busy “placing the point” meaning, it is a point that “Kind of just sits there” and I try to ignore it but at the back of my mind, I am always like “keeping the door open”...ahhh, thats it! I am “keeping the door open” on painting /art. Though there is a chance that “nothing will come of it” . When I left the farm 7 months ago, I was coming back to Canada to do art, though things changed as I “entered the system” so to speak. There was no point in “trying to do this point” meaning, trying, and actually making my life more difficult because of not “taking care of” the practical side of living in this world, like making money and making sure my rent, and food is sorted out first. In the past I would just ignore everything and painted in my studio, and this was not a good recipe for living in this world. I am enjoying now “trying other stuff” and doing different jobs that I would have “despised” doing before. Though I am looking at the point at the moment of “me actually holding myself back from doing art when I have the opportunity to” So am pushing myself to allow me to still do art in my life and is not something I have to completely cut out. Ideally I would like to “work it in” so I can actually “build on the point” and have it be supportive, both as a point of self discipline and specificity, and also as a point of self expression, though my priority is “the desteni process” which is actually simply a point of common sense of seeing that “this world requires some direction and some sorting out” and that it is each and everyone’s, thus, my own responsibility to do this, and so am busy with working on my application to that we take the most direct route to sorting out this world, which at the moment I see and understand to be establishing and Equal Money System – thus, this is my priority and focus. Art is a personal preference and I do not accept and allow myself to place me before all of humanity and all of existence, thus I stand firstly as What is Best for ALL, I Stand as the ALL and direct What is best for all, in my daily living application, not what is only best for me. So if I do art or not is irrelevant. I will continue with the point as the opportunity to do so is here, though if I require to let the point go, I will.

Update on Business and Money – Facing the System

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Hello So at the moment still busy with the "business" (snow removal service) I have found myself to be much more quite inside since taking this point which has been quite cool. I see it as that point of extensive anxiety in relation to money is no longer there. Though the point of money, and fear of not having money and how I have defined myself in relation to money is still here within me, it is simply that point of extensive fear that has been directed within taking on the point of starting the business, so have found within me 'more' silence, which I am grateful for. So slowly but surely standing up and pushing the point of generating money for myself in this world. Today though I did see this "point of anxiety" coming up again as I "started to calculate" if I would have enough money for end of the month rent and bills, and noticed that I would not, and so this kind of 'panic' comes up and I then start looking for/at "how am I going to make this money". Though at the moment am finding I have more trust in myself within this scenario to be able to actually "get the money somewhere" and I see this being directly related to the point of finally taking on the point of "starting my own business" I see also "what it took" to get me to this point. I mean, it took allot of fucking fear to get me to move my ass. If I look at the situation, I was in quite a state of fear and anxiety over the last month or so, but in looking see that this started when I first arrived back in calgary, slowly nagging at me. So at the moment I see the point of me "riding the line" and like "right on the edge" obviously though I am looking to change that so I am not existing at this point of "being right on the edge" from the perspective of having enough money to support me in this world. Rather I am looking at "How can I actually Make some Money" So this has been an interesting point, also in relation to the videos posted about the 'symbolic imprinting' in the movie twilight where it was explained how the move twilight is 'imprinting' males to "become stable in the system" because essentially this is the point that I see I am facing at the moment, is me getting stable in the system. So this business is a start. Though am considering and looking at/for more permanent solutions which can actually "create stability" because at the moment this business is focused only on the winter months. One point I am looking at is Graphic Design as a point of being able to generate an effective income, so have started to push this point also, though the movement on this one is much much slower than the "snow removal" Though am interested in exploring this as well as a means of possible income. So would like to save up and buy a "wacom drawing tablet" which is an expensive digital drawing tablet as I see that I can actually with that actually be able to "compete" within this graphic design field. I actually go my first Graphic Design Client this afternoon - I sent a proposal like a few weeks back, and finally today got the first down payment to make them some t-shirt designs. At the moment I am not getting paid too much, though I see this stuff will take time to build up where I can start offering more though also the point coming up here is consider "how I perceive myself" in relation to money" and definitely investigate "how much I ask for" Again seeing the point of "walking the line" where I design my reality always to "just have enough money" Though I do see this point now, so will check back in a few months to see if I have actually moved on this point or am sitting in the same boat. So yes basically looking at, as well as directing/moving this point of Graphic Design and Illustration - I go under the name "Eternal Design and Illustration" Interesting phrase to "go under a name" - Its like I am hiding behind the name or something. Also I have been really spending much time alone at the moment, and am just busy with the snow removal service and ensuring I have all the of the correct information in order and client info and things like this, and waking up at 6:00am to begin the circuit/route which at the start of Jan will have 8 stops. So yes have noticed me walking alone at the moment, still not allot interaction with beings in my world on a 'personal level' There was a party at my house the other night, I was there a bit and chatted but was in bed early. Ok that's it for now. Just focusing on getting stable within the system - which is basically getting money. That's my main focus atm. within this point of stability everything else "goes to shit" or "never gets anywhere" So first money, as I am looking at this as a point which will also assist and support me in stabilizing my written work and sra and desteni stuff as well as art. So money being the foundational stability point to this other stuff.

Experiences in Relation to Money – and figuring out “whats allot”

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Hello, it has been an ‘interesting’ week. Facing the point of money and the point of standing-up within the system, standing in the system as a participant of the system. “playing the game” from a certain perspective as “the game” is money. That is the main game, to get money. All jobs that exist, exist in relation to money, some you get more and some you get less, and so have been seeing this point as well from the perspective of “who I am” or have accepted and myself to be in relation to money, this coming up in relation to the point of “setting prices” for customers to do snow removal. Today I got a call to do a “one time removal” where I simply go once and remove snow for a customer. I listed a price but explained also in the e-mail that it would be a “bit more” because the described job was a bit bigger. When I arrived I assessed the job and decided to “meet somewhere in the middle” in between the listing price and the price I quoted, although at the end, I was given more than the quite price as the customer perceived the job that I was doing as being “hard work” and so gave me more money that what I was asking. Within this experience I saw a point with regards to how I exist in relation to money, meaning I ‘perceived’, ‘expected’, ‘assumed’ “how the person would react or respond” to the particular price I gave and also “how they would react respond” if I gave a price that was “too expensive” though this point of something being “too expensive” has been/is entirely ‘created’ by me in terms of my relationship with money, who I am in terms of how I have existed and experienced the point of money in my past. In this scenario above I realized that “allot of money” as defined by me, might actually be “not that much money” in relation to how another perceive money, as “the customer” actually gave me more than what I initially asked for – Though this was done from guilt...which is fine by me. Perhaps I should use the point of guilt a little more to get more money...lol. So before I get into that, I wanted to note that, A picture of my father came up within me, when I realized the point that “my definition, of “allot of money” and what I perceive or view allot of money to be, may actually be not very much at all. Seeing this as the customer easily handed me more than I asked for, in a way “in opposition” to what I had created or expected to happen in my mind if I were to ask for too much. Thus the picture of my father, who I have many experiences of have “reactions of anger” in relation to money, and or providing the example for me of “what is expensive” and “what is not” and what is “allot of money” and showing me and imprinting me with memories and experiences of seeing him react in anger and frustration and fear in relation to money, and there in now supporting/making up my relationship and view of money. I have noticed the point this week also of myself doing much “looking at” the point of “how to get more money” within this endeavour, meaning, even tonight as I was shovelling the customers driveway I was assessing Did I quite the right price, should it have been a little higher, Should it have been allot higher What can I get away with. So at the moment investigating how money function and move within this world, through my most recent endeavour of deciding to start a snow removal business as a way to generate income. I actually have been enjoying the point very much and have been quite busy this last week putting everything together. What I find interesting about this whole point of how much of it came together in only a weeks time, where in I have spent many hours “promoting my art” online and the movement with regards to that has been very slow, and now I place only 1 single add within a week have been able to set up a business primarily around that one add. The add Has a Snowman on it and reads SNOWMAN FOR HIRE, also the snowman is smiling and looks friendly, so am wondering what specifically about the ‘add’ is triggering people to call. I mean it is around Christmas time, so the image of a snowman may have more of a trigger point to it at the moment. Another point I have noticed within me is the point of ego. This comes up as a personality type which I access as the “businessman entrepreneur”. So interesting I see that in moments as I walk, this “personality type” will trigger/activate, and I will start moving differently, and seeing myself differently, and then my whole demeanour changes. Its like “me trying to walk as this personality type” and “trying to be this personality type” like how I see it in my mind. Overall though I have enjoyed the point of taking this on and starting to generate some money, Fuck, I noticed another fascinating point – money actually makes me feel warm inside. I noticed that when I get money, or agree to a contract, I experience myself as warm inside, specifically in relation to the point of money. And if I look at the point of having no money, there is an emptiness, and coldness, like money is comfort. So interesting to see this point of money making me experience myself as being warm. A practical support point that I have been using is the point of “Reflection” as this word came up in a tarot reading last week, and again repeating today as the central point . Interesting because when the word came last week, I saw a cool point and immediately applied it to support me within my world at the moment – that being : Place everything in front of me. Meaning, put things where I can see them, and start to place everything out in the open so that I can see it, so this is a point of reflecting me back to me, and placing everything out in front of me so I can see it. Like turning my world inside out so I can see the insides. So I have one of those white boards, and immediately began placing important dates, and phone numbers and daily activities on the board so that I can see me, so that I reflect me back to me all around me so that I can see everything. I also started pining important papers on the wall and organizing more ‘important’ numbers and points and so forth in writing, instead of just keeping stuff in my head, and so have been utilising this point of “Reflection” to assist and support me in world, and so was interesting to see again this word come up bout an hour ago in a reading I did before I starting writing this.

Responsibility and Obligation coming through in DREAMS about Quiting my Job.

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I am going to write about a dream I had last night. I haven’t yet been ‘through’ this dream in detail, so will see what comes up here. This is in relation to my experience over the last two months with regards to the job I held at a “Horse Ranch” which I simply could no longer support from the perspective of the “point of abuse” I experienced in relation to my position or role in the system they had going there to keep everything moving as well as how “I was being considered” from the perspective of “what I was responsible for and how much money I was being paid to do it” So I decided to no more continue with the job and go back to finding myself another job. I sent an e-mail last Monday making it clear on my position and that I would no longer be continuing work there. Though last night at about 8:00pm I received an e-mail asking me to work the next day. I was not pleased as I had already let this point go, and this e-mail showed either a continuation of the manipulation I observed going on before, or that they simply never received the e-mail. I at first felt ‘obligated’ to work the next day as if I am the one who was responsible for the situation and that I must work, as it is my responsibility to see that all communication is clear, understood, and clarified which it obviously was not as something was missed. I e-mailed explaining that I had already sent an e-mail, I then re-explained my position and asked them to confirm that they did indeed receive this mail by sending me a return mail. I received nothing and by that time it was already around midnight so did not want to phone. So I looked at the point and decided that I would not go. Though I felt extremely guilty, I decided that in this case it is there responsibility as well to ensure their system is running, where in fact here they were not specific within communication waiting until the very last minute to contact me, and thus I help my initial point of deciding to no more support “the system I found myself in while working there” I wondered if I was even going to able to sleep because of the experience I was having inside my self of the obligation I felt to work for them to no leave me hanging, though not considering my own standing on the point and not allowing guilt to influence the decision. The next morning I after I woke up which I deliberately slept in so that I would not have to face the point if I were to wake-up early, so I slept in, as well the night before watching movies as an attempt to distract myself from this situation. Seeing now the importance of ensuring ones communication is always clear, direct and received, otherwise if one leave points hanging one end up in experiences like the one I experience last night, as well as which come through in my dreams as I slept. The Dreams as follows. There were three scenarios. Each one the same from the perspective of “morning arriving” and me showing up ‘late’ to the farm to see if someone had “taken responsibility” for where I saw myself as having “left them hanging” so experienced much guilt. In each of the scenarios I was actually living on the farm, so basically was right there and able to work, though in real life, it is an hour drive out to the farm, and at the moment my vehicle has a spare so did not want to minimize the driving. So in the dream I approached the barn, and began to peer my head around the corner to see if anyone was in the barn, I experienced allot of nervousness. In the first dream there was someone sweeping the barn. So they had found someone to give direction to the point, I experienced a sense of relieve. It was a women/girl and I walked into Barn I bit hesitant that I would be “looked down upon” or “get in trouble” or “seen as irresponsible” as I approached the girl she had no reaction what so ever. And was actually quite friendly. She actually was a bit new at the job so I offered to assist now that I was there in. So we both worked together to direct the animals and duties and I experienced a point of flow, no friction or animosity or resentment. The second dream was the same in how it started, and it was a girl there tending to the duties that i had perceived myself to have “left hanging” and now had to face. Only this time it was the girl that usually works there, I said hello, and she said hello as she was sweeping the floor then suddenly you could hear anger and resentment coming through in her voice as she began to attack me. This was actually the reaction that I feared inside myself upon approaching. And this is one of the points that in real life I observed within this girl, this point of anger, resentment sitting there below the surface waiting get out, waiting for someone to take it out on, and obviously was in by continuing to work there setting myself up to be that person. A point at which her father was already utilizing within communication with me, showing absolute enslavement to his own inner frustrations, blame, and anger, and taking them out on me because “I worked there” Within this entire experience a point that is now coming through is that I must trust myself in these things I see “under the surface” and not simply ignore them. Also in the dream there was the other guy, Ricardo who worked on the farm and he came walking around the corner and I felt guilty. He represents that point of Responsibility, and always “doing the right thing” So I did not want to look him in the eye because in a way by me not showing up meant that he would have to take up the extra slack, and that he was already overworked. So it was quite a dream / experience. I was ‘startled’ in the morning of how I received an e-mail of no more than two sentences basically saying “ok, sorry I missed your e-mail, good luck in the future” something along those lines, which the event in itself lasted all of 30 seconds and that was it. There was not some “big explosion reaction consequence” that I was expecting or feared to have happen. So seeing here how I completely went into the mind on this point specifically linked here into the point of “Obligation” and “Responsibility” being the two primary points I am seeing that I am looking at here. Other than that, I sent out two Job applications today One to a Dog Walking Company And One two a “water filtration company” looking for a part-time graphic designer. In terms of the Dog Walking, well for both of these jobs for that matter, I am going to take my time. Meaning not simply jump at anything that comes up, but get to know the people individuals I will be working with and ensure that I can actually walk the established time frames with these beings. And not ignore any “red flags” that come up. Like for example a company offering Dog “obedience” – I mean what the fuck – lol but also “walk the point” meaning actually discuss these points with the company to see if my ‘perceptions’ remain or if they were actually just points I created in my mind without any real reference point. Though I mean at the desteni farm and from my perspective you create an environment for your animal so that they can simply live here in support on this earth as well. Its not about making a Dog Obedient, as your slave, thats fucked up Ego Shit. I mean calling your Dog is straight forward, and developing communication with your Dog cool, but anyways that word ‘obedience’ triggers a “master/slave” point inside of me. Otherwise, I am still here. In my world, and am busy looking for work and jobs to earn money for myself. And actually start generating money so I can actually move in this world, instead of always making just enough so that I can survive and break even every month.

“Sustaining a Point” – Standing Up is this World

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Sustaining a Point. At the moment I am seeing a point here with regards to ‘sustainment’. This is the point of seeing that in order to ‘exist’ within the current world system. It requires one to actually ‘sustain’ that motion or application. I see that this has been quite a resistance point for me within my life, where in I must ‘sustain’ something, particularly if it had anything to do with the system. But as I am here at this moment, walking through this point of “finding myself a job” in this world to earn money as a practical support point, I am seeing that, If I would actually like to “Stand-Up” within this system that I am going to have to do exactly that which I have resisted doing for many years, that being, actually ‘sustain’ the point. Actually “take-on” projects or relationships in the system which I must then ‘commit’ to. One of the ‘problems’ I had within finding work or jobs in this system, is I simply could not bring myself to commit to them. Mostly because they were ‘empty’ or ‘pointless’ from my perspective anyhow. Though at the moment these ‘excuses’ or any other ‘idea’ or ‘opinion’ I can come up with as to why I am not yet ‘committing’ to a job in this world, are not, within where I now stand in awareness of the point of Self-Responsibility, Valid. My current understanding of Self – Responsibility is actually supporting me at the moment to stand up within this world. I have started to realize that I am alone. That no one is going to help, assist, support, save, provide, motive, encourage, pull me up on my own two feet, but that this must, and only can be done by me. That is not to say that assistance and support from others is not Here. It is a realization that to Stand on my own two feet, that I must do this alone without the expectation, hope, desire, want, or need of others to ‘help’ To realize one is alone is actually empowering, because then one simply stop looking outside self for support and assistance, and really start to support oneself in what ever way possible to Stand-Up within this world and Support a Solution that is best for all. I realize that I must Stand Here under my own steam. I realized that even a belief that “I cannot do it” is no longer acceptable. Any reason I come up with, feel, or experience as to “what is holding me back”, “where I am unable to stand”, “why I am unable to do this”, “what is preventing me,” “where I am limited”, within this process is simply not valid, and I can no longer accept and allow that to direct me, as that is me “giving-up” that is me, saying that “I cannot do it”, without actually investigating these apparent “shortfalls” I don’t have enough time I don’t have enough money I don’t have a car I don’t have the right skills I am not smart enough I am so far behind This will never work Everyone else is better than me and more qualified than me I don’t have enough education. I see the point that all of these excuses simply do not hold up against my awareness and understanding of self-responsibility. Because Self-Responsibility implies that there are no excuses. And within this I see how an excuse is really an accepted and allowed limitation that one can either decide to accept or not. I see that I can no longer accept any excuse or justification as to why “I cannot do this”.

ALL are Walking DEAD – Not One is Alive.

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So today I am re-organizing a few things. Yesterday I gave notice to “my job” at the Horse Ranch that I would no longer be working there. So today basically starting again with looking for work in this world, in this system, and looking at various ways of generating an income for myself in this world. So also looking at how to utilize my skills within Visual Art to do this, thus also starting with some promotion and research into graphic design, illustration and things like this. Partly because after my last experience working “for others” the question came up of “how long I am going to do this for”, meaning, work “for other people”. I mean the principle in itself is fine, working with others so to speak, though into today’s world and economic system money and self interest is now bread so Deep within the human being, that to “work for another” is in most cases “to become a slave” to those with money who will pay you. There is actually no regard, consideration, or insight into what is actually here on this earth as a System which support the creation of a malicious, deceptive, self interested human being. Money is Power and those with Money use it as such, and simply justify their existence with money and their ability to control others by paying them. I mean who cares what you really do Actions are irrelevant – Actions have become irrelevant Not body gives a fuck about what they are doing What they are concerned with is “How much money do they get” Our Actions within this world are Not in Alignment with Living in and Equilibrium with Earth. We are so fucking blinded by money that one is unable to see that their current day to day actions are actually harming the earth, harming themselves, and others, This all gets “sideswiped” when “the cheque comes in” which allow someone to justify what they do. And in a way “see nothing wrong with it”. Humanity is BLIND. Which allows an individual to justify abusing the earth, themselves, and others. As long as they get paid, or turn a profit. I am also busy today filing out forms for “repayment assistance” on my student loan which I ‘signed’ when I was 19 years old. 10 years later and I have not paid a single dollar back on the loan, even though I have made hundreds of dollars a year in payments on the interest so that I “don’t fall behind” I mean this process alone that I am currently busy with in filing out these forms reveal “the state of this world” the “state of the system” that we as humanity have all collectively participated in. And that we have all allowed, and supported, and created. Thus each one is responsible for how we are currently existing. So I am busy spending time filing out papers so that “I qualify” for re-payment assistance. Processes and Systems that one must ‘spend’ time and attention on, not so they can “live a dignified life”, but so that can “just survive”. Though this is the system we have created, this is the system that I have allowed to exist by doing nothing. By seeing myself as to small, to insignificant, to do anything, not knowing exactly what I should do. And so have allowed this current system to prevail by allowing these excuses and beliefs inside me. And of course, believing that someone else will do it. The younger generation will do it. Those that are qualified will do it. But the fact of the matter is that it is the responsibility of everyone here on this earth to do it. And not simply “leave it someone else” “leave it to some group” while you simply go about living out your life in ignorant bliss. All must stand up and take responsibility for what is here and what we have allowed, and re-educate ourselves so that we can actually each and everyone of us here, support the emergence of a new world. To do nothing, is to simply allow this world to continue existing as it is. I have realized for myself that all must be given an equal opportunity and that it is not about the evolution of self alone amongst the many, attempting to “be all you can be” No. It is about the evolution of ALL, together, where each individual on this earth, Stand as that ALL, and Always, in every moment, act in the best interest of all as the starting point of themselves. To observe what we are doing at desteni from the sidelines and do nothing is deception. Because the truth is – Those who “stand-by” do not actually have a solution for this world. Yet the point is simple in terms of what we are saying. Stop placing yourself before the All. All one has to do is see how they live their lives and see if they are busy working on a solution that considers each and every single human being, plant, and animal on this earth. Or are you just busy with “your own life” Suggest to investigate the Solution Desteni is Presenting – Let go of judgements, and ideas about the point and actually investigate it. Desteni Suggest a World System Based on Equality and What is Best for ALL. And a part of this system will be the Re-Structuring of the Money System. And the elimination of Capitalism and Profit as a System that Governs Humanity and All on the Planet. Where abuse is allowed – where we all have allowed ourselves to “look the other way” at say for example the homeless man on the street or the starving dog in your neighbour hood. I mean do you not find it odd that one is actually not able to “comprehend” the deaths of millions broadcast on the News as casualties of war, where in one moment one can be watching a report on 40 by-standards killed in a suicide bombing then 15 minutes later be watching their favourite entertainment program and have forgotten all about the atrocities actually happening around them in every moment. Desensitized is not even the word to describe it. Obviously this showing that we as human beings are actually really DEAD in this world, the Walking Dead. So suggest to Research the Equal Money System Proposed by Desteni. Because each and everyone of us are responsible for what is Here. And are responsible for ourselves in educating ourselves on the true state of this world – Obviously it is easy to ignore. Interestingly because this world is a chaotic mess, yet we manage to remain oblivious to it. Mind Control. I mean how else can we simply live day to day and think everything is ‘OK’. So Visit www.equalmoney.org and re-educate yourself – pull yourself out of your grave. This life we live is not living – It is Dying, that is plain to see – And fucked-up how people will protect it, like its worth protecting. That is simply ego. So investigate an Equal Money System, a system based on Equality. This will not happen automatically, we must actually, as a Race, Create it. And it will take effort It will require one to re-consider their entire life. Obviously to ignore this is showing that one would rather just live out the rest of their lives placing their lives as that which is important over The Rest of Humanity. If that is not Ego, I don’t know what is. Most are not aware that they exist primarily as the Ego. And think “its normal” to “live your life” and enjoy yourself – Well yes, you are exactly right, it is ‘normal’ for who we have become – for the Walking Dead that we are and have believed ourselves to be. An Equal Money System is “not normal” by today’s standard, as it actually go “against” what we have currently accepted as life, An Equal Money is Based on Life, on Living, on Support of the Earth, on Self Expression, Expansion, Perfection, On a New Way of Living – A way of living that most do not even realize exists or is possible. Thus investigate for yourself and prove to yourself that you are at least willing to consider something “outside” of your bubble of perception which you believe is so magnificent. Its really not magnificent, its actually just suppression, denial, hatred, jealousy, fear, resentment – lol What a Fuck Up. Join us at Desteni in Bringing Forth a Solution for the Fuck-up of a world people are actually unable to see. Thus if you think this world is fine – Than I strongly suggest you research what we are saying at desteni I am One Vote For World Equality and an Equal Money System. www.equalmoney.org www.desteni.co.za

Layer of Depression – There’s no Point to it. – Nov 3 / 2010

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Layer of Depression - There's no Point to it. - Nov 3 / 2010   Ok one more point before I go to sleep. I have noticed that “my life” is like “all depressive” its like such a slight experience of myself but at the same time this “slight experience of depression” is constant, like it is there in the background of my experience each and every day, and in every moment. So have now identified this point in my world and within the experience of me so can now work with it here to no longer accept and allow this point of “depression” to simply exist in my world for “no apparent reason”. Its like I have simply just accepted this point, this way of being or experiencing myself or living within my world. Where there is like a layer of depression around me always, and is like a cloud that exist in my world always, where it is kinda groggy all the time. I mean there is no point to this but at the same time will have to identify specifically how I actually manifest this point within the experience of myself in my world.   At the moment I see the point of fun coming up from the perspective of identifying myself as one who is “boring” and really just bland in my day to day interactions, like pretty basic kind of living. Working on the computer, drinking coffee, writing, like basic shit, though there is not reason why I cannot enjoy and express me within this and be more “light” so to speak, because this “depression” point that I now see coming up in my world is “more heavy” Ok just thought Id write this out before sleeping.   Ok now I am going to bed, and also get up tomorrow in enjoyment, and actually live and enjoy me in this world, No point in being a stick in the mud.

Writing Self to Freedom – “Hitting the Jackpot!” – October 30/2010

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Today was an interesting day. I was at the “Market Collective” which is Arts and Crafts fair in the city I live in. So basically I had a table with drawings for sale. I decided to not sell paintings and drawings at this market and just focus more on selling the drawings, in particular the “Comical Sense” Drawings as I find with these drawings there is actually “something there” which is pretty cool. I Find my past work is ‘empty’ so to speak, and so find working with the “Comical Sense” stuff more fulfilling and enjoyable, as it is no more just “something to look at”. We as Consumer Society has place so much emphasis on the ‘picture’, on “the surface” that this “something to look at” has become that which we focus on. And the goal of the artist has become to make that “something to look at” as cool as possible, placing all of the emphasis on this, where the practical, functional, useful element of art steadily disappears. I mean even if one look at how we has human beings present ourselves. All of the emphasis is placed on the picture, and we attempt to arrange that picture presentation of ourselves in as many ways as possible attempting to within this find some satisfaction within ourselves. So much of the emphasis gets placed on the picture that we have forgotten in a way, that there is anything inside. So in terms of the age old question of is it art that imitates life or life that imitates art, it is simply irrelevant considering that both are in the same boat anyways – stuck on the surface. I sold one drawing today. Its the first one of the comical sense that I sold, it was titled TOMB-orrow (tomorrow) the guy that bought it like the skeleton imagery. It was quite a release because I noticed this particular thought construct coming up a few times in the day. The pattern/construct would start with the thought of first   -Noticing that I had not yet sold a drawing while watching others sell their work -Then comes like a fear of believing that I have done something really wrong -Like I have an innate mistake built into the structure of me - Like a huge gap or something where I am “missing a point” or “understanding” which is why I have not sold -Then I experience a feeling/emotion experience of sadness mixed with hopelessness/helplessness - Then thoughts of my dad come up, like I will end up living out the same pattern he did which is like ending up as a “starving artist” kind of thing   Its interesting this construct came up a few times during the day, but I was mostly aware when this construct came up so simply did not “go into it”     When I sold the drawing it was like a release in a way of this construct, like   “I am not totally crazy” Which actually indicate that this particular thought exist inside me before hand, like I thought/believed I was being delusional with “trying to sell art” This point of “believed delusion” also being linked with the experience of hopelessness.  Thinking that I am in fact so delusion and that I am not even able to see it.   I noticed also sometimes, the thought coming up of   “Why do I have to do this” Here I see this as a kind of attempting or wanting to escape from this whole experience I am going through of selling art in this world, where so much of the time, I want to just quite, even though I do see the point of what I would prefer is if I was actually able to sell the stuff, like if I actually made some consistent money with it then I would actually not want to quite selling art. So its not actually related to the “ACT” of selling art that I am opposed, just to the point of that I have not made any money or sold very effectively over the years.   At the moment, I am pushing the work I make now to be as educational as possible, where one can actually be supported by that work or piece when they see it and it isn’t just something you “put up because its nice”   This way I can actually not feel guilty for selling it to people, because before this point was quite allot – feeling guilty for selling work to people.   I mean what is real value. Value has become so distorted in this world that it has “lost touch” with reality. From my perspective value is not something “made up” but rather based on equality, meaning, you plant one seed, you get one carrot.   And this value is based on the actual physical movement of this reality, like for example the physical movement of a carrot growing into maturity. Value grounded in the earth.   And so art should be “valued this way” where it is grounded in earth so to speak.   Based in the “Equality Equation” that desteni present of 1 + 1 = 2 Our current money system, the very nature of money is based on deception. Where one is attempting to cheat reality, like saying 1+1=7 or 100 or what ever they can convince another it is worth. There is not actual basis for value these days – it is completely based on an idea – which exist in the mind.   This money system is so fucking tempting – Because essentially value is based on what someone will pay for it – not how much it is actually really worth so to speak. So people “buy in” and play the game, attempting to generate income through distorting value through the current money system where say one person might sell something to someone for 1 dollar, than this person turns around and sells it for 100 dollars – This is completely fucking with planet and the actual equilibrium of the physical earth. And showing the value of a product is not actually based on the actual physical value of the substance related to the earth and how this support humanity to live on this earth in equilibrium.   This is one reason why I support a new equal money system – because it will “normalize” everything, so that we actually start Interacting with our planet on a 1+1=2 foundation.   It is interesting I notice this “temptation” of the money system within myself where I see the point of “if I could only get people to buy my art for ‘x’ amount of money, than I wouldn’t have to worry about getting a job or paying my rent or anything like that, because there is this “jackpot” point that exist within this current money system, like if one could only convince another to pay that “jackpot” amount for their product, then they could really get allot of money for very little work. It is such a fuck up, because Im sure there are many out there who would read this and think – “Well what’s wrong with that”   Well fuck – a outflow of this current manifestation of ourselves is millions dying of starvation, wars, murder, I mean how is that “OK” .   We as humanity have begun to “make things” in the hope of hitting that “jackpot” within the system. Because it is possible for everyone of us to actually do. Like the carrot dangling in front of our eyes just out of reach.   We lose sight of the consideration to actually create something that will benefit humanity. Then the products we create, really don’t consider if they are actually of use in this reality at all but more so – can I make money from it. And this is fucking with our evolution as a human race, as an existence.   This is why I Support and Equal Money System as proposed by Desteni – www.equalmoney.org Because here the principle foundation of our movement in this reality would be How will this benefit humanity, how will this benefit life. I mean what is the actual outflow of the decisions I make and the evolution of humanity. I mean every action we make, every thought we think, has ripple effect, outflow on this existence. Thus the point here is to take into consideration what you actually in do, and what you actually think. And to consider “does this thought or action have the best interest of humanity in mind” Once this consideration is in place and all beings on this planet have placed this point as the starting point of themselves, of there every thought, word, and deed, then we will be actually evolving as LIFE.   Until then we are simply only considering ourselves and not how we actually influence this world. We think or believe that “oh it is just my life”   I mean when you die then what – your life is over? – You did the best you could – Do you really understand reality – do you really understand what is going on this planet – this existence – Is this world we have accepted really the end all be all.   Have we considered what it actually means to change.   Or are we too afraid what our friends will say if we actually change. If we actually consider something so different that it is met with massive resistance.   From my perspective than we at least know we heading in the right direction – because we require a massive change on this earth.   I mean to stop war will take the implantation of a new system, an implantation of new way of being, of living that will be not like what is here now.   Suggest to investigate Desteni and Equal money system for those who are not afraid to actually change.   www.desteni.co.za www.equalmoney.org

Fear to Move Out Of Sub-Par Existence – October 29th/2010

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A point that I have observed in myself which has come up in relation to my job, is the point of accepting my own limitation by not pushing myself while I am around others, because I don’t want to trigger the point of jealousy in the other, and so instead I dum myself down, and essentially limit myself, and actually  simply allow those around me to dictate how I live my life.   I noticed this come up at work with regards to points around workplace that I see can be “fixed-up” and organized but have noticed I hold myself back from pointing these things, out or really taking these points on because I get the sense that it is “out of” the accepted way of doing things, and I realized that I actually compromised myself and am compromising myself  through not actually realizing that it is OK to to actually push myself and push others to become more specific and more directive in their worlds, and actually push myself here also to become more specific and directive in my world.   Its like in this one particular moment, I held back in directing myself to immediately take on a point that I saw because I didn’t want to be seen as doing something out of the accepted way of doing things. Specifically I did not want to “diminish” the other being in my presence. Its the point of jealousy, I noticed in a few instances, I held back actually fucking directing myself and directing a point because I do not want to trigger that point of jealousy reaction in other, where in they go into a form of reaction out of jealousy with regards to how I direct or apply myself.   Fuck, what I realized in this moment was that I am actually accepting and allowing myself to limit myself. And realized that this is/was actually how we ended up in this mess. Because we did not want to cause any friction. We did not want to stand up and act in a way that actually pushed people a little bit.   Its like I did not want them to say “don’t do that” and then come up with some excuse or reason why I “should not do that” or how “thats not the way things are done here” .   And what I see is that if I accept and allow this, I am actually accepting and allowing “this current system, and this current world” to dominate me. In other words, I am tacitly stating that I am actually in support of this current system, because I simply just allow it to have precedent over that which I have developed within myself as for example self will, and self determination.   I seen within this how so many squander within this world. Because Sub-Par is the accepted way things are. Everybody fights for Sub-Par. Even those that are effective fight for Sub-Par because this way they seem superior and dominant.  And I realized how in that moment, the “sub-par” remain the standard in this world. Because so many, as I did in that moment, accepted the “sub-par” as the dominating factor, and was unwilling stand in that moment, and actually stand-up and push and challenge myself, and within this actually push and challenge others as well.   In a way its easier to live in an unnoticed way Its easier to never push to hard, as to not make people feel like there not doing enough. Its like the point of supporting laziness.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself as this might cause others to resist me and have friction towards me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to let my fear of other people influence me to not stand up and do anything about this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within that which I have developed within myself as my application and discipline within walking, living, and applying myself in this world because I don’t want to make people feel bad, and react towards me for feeling bad.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people being jealous of me, because within this they may not enjoy me being around, because I push and move them out of there comfort bubble.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an observer in this world, never actually pushing myself to stand up within this world because in doing this it would cause to much friction in other peoples worlds, and there-in, I simply accept the sub-par as how things are, and be sure to remain under or on this line of “sub – par” as to not cause any reaction in another where they might observe within themselves something that requires a correction, and in this may become fearful or not wanting to give up who they are, and thus , lash out on me.   I forgive myself for not allowing myself  to push myself in the work place to be absolutely effective within my direction and actually look at the point from the perspective of a permanent solution.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply just do the bare minimum, instead of pushing and willing myself here to become effective within my application, in particular my practical application.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back within expressing myself within absolute clarity in communication as to not upset someone, and within this not fully honouring myself within creating my world the way I want, where I push myself and my world to the utmost specificity, because I see that this is a point I would like for myself, and thus allow me to give to myself as I see the ‘benefit’ this have on a being

Doing Things Instead of Expressing Self – October 26th

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Well, I made some vlogs today speaking about my experience about work and stuff, but the sound was messed up on some of them and then the other ones I was not satisfied. So now this is a point here which has become a suppression point. This doing vlogs. I have over the last week or so, done probably around 8 vlogs or so, and I have not posted a single one. I often am simply not satisfied with the clarity and precision of myself within speaking. So I am here looking at this point now of why I have created about 8 vlogs and not posted any of them, but erase them, or just leave them sitting there because I am simply not satisfied with them. Sometimes I believe that the vlogs and the information I am speaking is not specific enough or is just mind stuff. Other times its like I mess up on a point, or get lost in what I am saying for a moment or two, or in some I notice I go into knowledge and information that I have not actually lived, and so just have found I am not satisfied with any of the vlogs I have been making. I have also been preparing for an art fair that is going to be here on the weekend. This process I have experienced as quite obligatory for the most part, rehearsed, uninspired, and like, dead! Probably because most of the drawings I am working with are like Old, Old, Old, and there are only a few new ones, so its like all this old dead shit, instead of new alive shit that is now an expression of myself as who I am currently living and walking. Its like I have changed since starting this process with desteni, but have not brought this through into the art work yet. In a way there is an excitement there also, kind of like “saving the best for last” where I hold off and hold off knowing all the while that when I actually do start with making some art, that Im sure I will enjoy the expression that comes through. This has also been a question of mine also – When am I going to start making art? I spend almost not time doing this at all, at the moment relating this point to first getting myself into a position that is more stable in terms of me actually having an income coming in before I start spending time doing this. Though I am curious as to when the fuck I am going to start with making some art. Its like, what is going on with me? In a way my application has become boring from a certain perspective. Like I’m not engaged with what I am doing, and with my life, but I will use this word again which I just used – Obligatory. I mean there are moments of enjoyment, but I really do not experience myself as actually really living and expressing me, where mostly things are routine, and plain, and I really don’t do much, in terms of actually expressing myself in that which I do, its like mostly things are just blaaaand. Even in my writing, its like I kind of just do it and have to push myself to do it, but haven’t really found myself expressing me much, but more just doing things. I have enjoyed making vlogs, even though I did not place them, I did enjoy speaking about certain points on camera. I like speaking and communicating even though I am not always satisfied with that, I cannot deny that vlogs are quite cool to do.   I have decided to take on the job at the farm, even though I do experience fears about this which come up in terms of fearing my self expression. Actually this is quite interesting this fear. I fear that I will not be able to express myself, and I mean to express oneself is fun. I fear that the structure that exist there, will suppress me, and that I will not be able to express myself there fully. That is one of the more prominent fears, that I will be suppressed into a kind of silence and limitation and I will not enjoy that at all, and that I will only be able to really express me with myself alone. Its like people develop these structures as rules and ways of being and interacting that they place within their worlds and then exist within, and that I just find that I have not always been that great at being able to exist within these structures of conduct and parameters and really be able to express myself. Though I have never really been one to be a “people person” but I would like to change this. I found that I actually started to “get to know people more” when I was on the desteni farm, and now simply see the ‘value’ if you want to call it that of actually interacting and exploring, sharing and expressing, and really getting to know others within a self intimacy. Even though I see this, I still tend shy away from it as I always found it so much easier to express with myself alone in my room. And honestly I have lived this kind of alone application enough, where I see, obviously that I must now actually push the point of interaction with other beings, and get over my resistances to doing this, so I can actually be comfortable with others, instead of being uncomfortable. I really don’t like when people get mad or angry or irritated. Its like I tend to try and avoid this at all cost. Especially when they take it out on others, or in particular, me! That is one reason why I do not like being around others, because I really do not enjoy the experience of another being reacting to a point when I am in their presence. Or yes, even more reacting towards me. Fuck I still have to sort that point out. Like taking shit personally. And suppressing anger that comes up. Its like Why? Why would you say or do that towards me. Most of the time I really just want to fucking stand up in that moment and tell the being immediately to simply Stop the bull-shit. Like blatantly point out what the fuck they just did and actually turn the point right back on them so that they see exactly what they did. But normally I just stand there in bewilderment like, what the fuck, this being is blaming me right now or taking shit out on me, or not taking responsibility for themselves, and normally I just stand quietly in anger an “take-it” So when I am alone in my room I do not have to deal with this. Deal with beings reacting in Frustration and Anger. I mostly encountered this point with my father growing up, so if I had to pinpoint where I actually created this point of staying in my room away from people, I would say I created and refined this point in relation to my father. Where I remember experiencing this point of “avoiding” him allot during my life, and just “getting the fuck outta there” mostly I could go to my room and hide, because it was like he was allot of the time irritated and angry and frustrated and would react all the time towards others and it would really just be a shit experience, so I preferred to just stay in my room, like, out of the way of this projection bullshit. From a certain perspective though I did not really understand why he was so frustrated and angry and irritated, so there is point to consider and forgive and stop any points of blame or anger I have towards him. Even around him now I notice in every moment (quite fascinating really) there is this resonant point, like a waiting, an expectation of the eventual point where his anger, frustration, irritation will come out and be directed at someone around him. Fuck, when most recently I was around him, I noticed that each time he would enter the room or come home or something like that, I would like, “take a step back” like a waiting...waiting to see...almost like an expectation of him being angry and argumentative. And this point simply exist inside of me always and constantly. And then there was like a small moment or experience of relief when he would open his mouth and speak, and his words were actually pleasant or simply not angry...then its like..oh, ok its cool to express me here, he is not angry, so its ok if I speak my mind, or can really just let go in a way, and relax, so I see I have developed this resonant point of holding my breath within and expectation of anger in relation to my father, which I simply see as a resonant point which I developed over time with regards to my general experience around him as I cannot at this moment pinpoint a specific event which occurred where this point really “sunk in” So in a way me staying in my room now and wanting to avoid people and their reactions is actually me simply staying in my room and hiding away from my father. So a point here to explore and forgive. And actually stand up and face this anger with people. And face the fear I have inside me of facing this anger and reactions  and what could possible happen. Like being overpowered and diminished.